Lola
“Hunter! Hunter!” I shook him, trying to wake him up, but there was blood gushing from his head and he showed no signs of waking any time soon. I started to shake uncontrollably. This was really bad. I hadn’t been able to get ahold of Derek and now Hunter was down, which left me. I usually wouldn’t be scared of the situation I was in, but nothing had gone right so far with this detail. Everything was fucked up and I was sure that this was going to be the job that killed me. It was a feeling that had settled deep in my gut.
After checking Hunter one last time, I stood slowly, making my way to the back door. Peering in the window, I saw Derek passed out in the corner of the room against the wall and Alex huddled down next to him. I moved my hand to the door, but something hard smacked me in the head and I saw stars swimming in my vision. An arm wrapped around my throat and a knife flashed in front of my face. Fear paralyzed me and I couldn’t move. That sinking feeling in my gut was pulsing uncontrollably, making me feel like I was just moments away from death. I kept screaming at myself to do something, but I couldn’t make myself move.
“Don’t move or I’ll kill little Lexi before we get to the good stuff.”
He kicked the door open and shoved me forward, keeping a tight arm around my neck. My blood was dripping down my face from where he had hit me. Dizziness was making it difficult to walk in a straight line at this point, but I wasn’t sure if the dizziness was from fear or my head wound.
“Why don’t you drop the gun, Lexi? I would like to play a game with you, but I’m afraid you can’t have a weapon. So, here’s what’s going to happen. You are going to put down your weapon and I won’t shoot your friend here. Of course, if you don’t want to, I’ll just shoot her anyway and you can watch her die. What’s it going to be?”
I shook my head, trying to tell Alex not to give up her weapon. I knew I was going to die anyway. Better to make it fast. I didn’t particularly want to know what this psycho had in store for either of us. But at least if she held onto her weapon she had a chance. Anger washed over me when she obeyed his orders and put the gun down.
“Come closer and pull up a chair.”
Alex walked toward me and I was shoved from behind. I stumbled over my feet, feeling like I would collapse at any minute. I was terrified and wanted to take a nap all at the same time. My brain just wouldn’t come online no matter how hard I tried to think of a way out of this. Fear was taking over and rendering me useless.
“Tape her hands to the chair back.”
This was the end. I knew there was no going back now. I could have died a thousand times overseas fighting for my country, but I was going out at the hands of a serial killer because I was too weak to fight back.
I sat up in bed, a scream lodged in my throat. The terror of knowing what was next had woken me from my dream. I closed my eyes and laid back down on my wet sheets. I had sweat so bad that there was a ring of water on my sheets. I hadn’t had a dream like that since…since I had started staying with Ryan. I had worked past all this bullshit, so why was it coming back now? Did I really need Ryan to chase away my nightmares?
Knowing I wouldn’t get anymore sleep, I got up and put on some coffee. Waiting for the sun to come up was worse than watching paint dry. I couldn’t get the images of my dream out of my head. I thought about calling Hunter, but what good would it do? We weren’t sleeping together anymore and the last thing he needed was to be called over in the middle of the night for my craziness, even though I knew he would.
What I really wanted was Ryan’s arms wrapped around me. I needed to feel the comfort of his body stretched out beside mine and the soft cadence of his breathing lulling me to sleep. Life just sucked since he decided we were over. Granted, tonight was a first for my dreams returning, but he gave me so much more than an escape from my dreams. He gave me love and hope for a future. He was a man that saw me and didn’t care about my scars, but knew that they tormented me. He gave me a different world from the one I was living in, something normal and completely different than what I was used to.
When the early morning light finally broke through the sky, I decided to head out for a run. When that didn’t help to clear my mind, I went to Reed Security and pounded on Knight. Still, nothing helped clear my head or the pain in my heart. Everyone could see that I was struggling. Knight was yelling at me the whole time, telling me to get my head in the game, but I just couldn’t focus. Hunter gave me a look of concern that he used to give when I was falling down the rabbit hole. Sebastian eyed me, like he wondered if I was really capable of doing my job. And Derek pulled me aside for a talk, telling me that he was there for me, no matter what I needed. The thing was, none of them could help. Whatever was torturing me, I couldn’t even comprehend it. So, how could I explain it to them and ask for help?
When I got to the locker room, I decided to see if my therapist had time for a session today. He didn’t have an opening until next week and I spent night after night fighting my demons, trying to keep my sanity when I thought I had gotten it back.
✯✯✯✯✯
“So, why are you here today?” Dr. Penwarden asked.
“Because the nightmares are back. I worked through them. I worked through my issues at work and everything was fine.”
“What’s changed?”
I looked down at my fingers and picked at my nails. “I was seeing a man. I think he was really helping me, but then he broke up with me. He couldn’t handle how dangerous my job was. You see, his wife died after they were only together a year and he was left to raise her son.”
“How did his wife die?”
“Car accident. The thing is, I think we were kind of healing each other, but…”
“But then your job reminded him of his loss,” Dr. Penwarden finished.
“Yeah. So, he ended it, and I can’t blame him. He’s scared and my job isn’t a desk job.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“I hate it,” I said quietly. “I love my job so much. It’s something I’ve always loved, but I love him too. I never thought I would fall in love with someone after what happened. I was just moving day to day. But then he came into my life and he took away the chaos. He gave me normal.”
“Let me ask you this, you describe your life as chaos, but you say you love your job. If you love your job so much, why do you crave what he can give you?”
“It’s not something I’ve ever known. My dad taught me to shoot at a young age. Joining the military was all I ever wanted. Being in security is all I’ve ever known. I crave the rush of excitement and the meaning my job gives me. But being with Ryan and his son gives me peace and calm. They play paintball, but that’s about as violent as it’s ever gotten. They stay home and have movie nights and read together. With him, I want something more than the life I have.”
Dr. Penwarden nodded thoughtfully. “I think the question you need to ask yourself is if you love your job more than Ryan.”
“You think I should give up my job?”
“I didn’t say that. But it’s obviously something you’ve considered. You need to think about your time in the military and at Reed Security. Think about what that represents for you, what it gives you. Then think about your life with Ryan and his son. If your work gives you more satisfaction than Ryan, then you need to walk away and accept that what he could give you isn’t enough. But if Ryan is what you need out of life, then you need to decide which you want more.”
“What about the dreams?”
He shrugged. “Dreams can mean a multitude of things. They may have returned because you’re no longer at peace with yourself. They may have returned because your life has been disrupted. Ryan was there at the same time you were seeking therapy. It could be that you’ve associated him with healing. They could also represent fear returning. Fear of the unknown. Fear of not being in control anymore. Or, it could simply be that you found peace with Ryan and you were healing. The dreams may come and go your whole life. I can’t tell you fo
r certain that they’ll ever stay away. We all have triggers that set us off. I think that once you make a decision about your future, you’ll feel more at ease and they’ll lessen.”
“How do I know that I’m making the right decision? I mean, he said that he didn’t want to ask me to leave my job because he thought I would regret it someday. What if he’s right? What if I start to resent him?”
“Lola, I can’t tell you what to do here. All I can tell you is to follow your heart and stick with it. You need to be at peace and be happy with yourself. As long as you’re not, you’ll continue to feel like you’re spiraling out of control.”
✯✯✯✯✯
I thought about my talk with Dr. Penwarden for a week. I weighed the pros and cons. I made lists and avoided talking with Derek and Hunter. I didn’t know what to say to them and I didn’t know how to explain to them what I was feeling. I had been struggling for the answers until this morning. When I woke up, I rolled over and saw no one beside me. My house was quiet and there would be no arguing between James and Ryan or debating over who was better at paintball. My world would continue as it was and I would stay in this house, forever by myself with no lazy Saturdays. This was my life.
I went into work and found myself outside Sebastian’s office first thing. He was on the phone, but waved me in. I took a seat and looked around the room at all of the things I would miss about being here. I wouldn’t see Caitlin running into the office anymore. I wouldn’t see my friends that I had made over the years. But I was going to have the man I loved, if he agreed to take me back. That was the one uncertainty. I needed to show him that I was serious, though. The only way I could do that was to hand in my resignation. Otherwise, Ryan would always wonder if I really wanted this.
When Cap got off the phone, he leaned back in his chair, running his finger across his lip. “You’re leaving us,” he said bluntly.
I nodded. “I am.”
“For Ryan?”
“Yes. If he’ll still have me.”
“What if he won’t?”
I swallowed hard and looked away. “I don’t know, but I have to try. I love him.”
“You know, you don’t have to leave. Knight doesn’t go out into the field.”
“But…what would I do?”
“There are a few options. There’s the administrative side of things, which I know you love. You could help Knight with training. Looking at new hires, security installs, research, mission planning,” he rattled off. “The list goes on and on.”
“But, do you actually need me to help in those areas? I mean, Cazzo and Derek are part owners of this company.”
“And they help grudgingly. They never wanted to do the administrative side. I know it’s not exactly what you want to be doing, but you would still be with the company. We don’t want to lose you, but if you feel like you need to step away, I won’t try to stop you.”
“Are you doing this because Ryan is your friend?” I questioned.
“Partly. Not the job part. Believe me, if it was any other man, I would fight tooth and nail to keep you in your current role, but I’ve seen how you and Ryan help each other. I’ve seen how you’ve pulled him out of a hole he’s been hiding in for almost five years.”
“What about my team?”
“We’d have to find a replacement, and that’s something you’d have to deal with. You would no longer be on your team. But if this is something you really want, we’ll get started on it right away.”
“I need to talk to Ryan first. I need to know if working for the company in any capacity is a problem.”
“That’s fine. Talk to Ryan and let me know as soon as possible. In the meantime, talk to Hunter and Derek and let them know what you’re thinking.”
“I will.”
I walked out of his office, hoping to slip away for a minute and gather my thoughts, but Derek and Hunter were standing right outside his office door waiting for me. I looked to the elevator for an escape, but Hunter stepped to the side, blocking off my exit.
“Are you going to tell us what’s going on any time soon?” Hunter asked.
I sighed, knowing there was no way to get out of talking to them now and motioned for Derek’s office. They led me down there, probably not trusting me not to run away. When we stepped inside, I took a seat on Derek’s couch and they both pulled up chairs facing me.
“I’m leaving the team.”
Shock and then betrayal crossed Hunter’s face. Derek nodded like he knew what I was thinking.
“I want to be with Ryan and Ryan can’t handle my job.”
“Fuck him,” Hunter snapped. “If he can’t accept you for who you are then you need to walk away.”
“This isn’t about him not accepting me. He does accept me for who I am and that’s why we broke up. He can’t live with my job and he didn’t want to ask me to change. This is my decision because I don’t want to live without him. He gives me something that I never thought I would want or need, and frankly, if it’s a choice between him or my job, I choose him and I always will.”
Hunter shoved back his chair as he stood, pacing and swearing at no one in particular. Derek leaned forward and grasped my hand. “If this is what you need, then do it. I would do the same for Claire in a heartbeat.”
“This is absolute bullshit. We refuse to let you leave the team,” Hunter said as he paced.
“We’ll support you in your decision no matter what. I know it’s been hard on you for years and I could see how much better you got when you started seeing Ryan,” Derek assured me.
“There’s no way Cap will accept this,” Hunter promised.
“I already talked with Cap,” I told Derek. “He assured me that he could still give me a position at the company if I wanted it, but I need to talk it over with Ryan first. He has to be my first priority.”
“Hell, Knight will kick your ass for even thinking about leaving,” Hunter growled as he continued to pace.
“You can take over my part of the administrative job. I never wanted it to begin with.”
“What the hell would you do anyway?” Hunter turned to me and asked. “Take up sewing and be the good housewife?” He turned before I could say anything and started pacing again, running his hands over his bald head.
“Well, I appreciate the support, Derek. I’m going to talk with Ryan and when I’ve got it all figured out, I’ll let you know. It won’t be long though.”
“We’ll definitely miss you on the team, but I had a feeling you would eventually want to get out,” Derek said. “I’ve seen the way that night affected you for too long. I’m glad you’re finally getting some peace.”
“I think I’m really ready for a change in pace. I’ll miss it, but I have to admit that it’s nice to take it easy with him and his son. I never thought I would want that, but it’s just different with them.
“And let me tell you something else,” Hunter pointed at me. “That guy will make you so fucking bored if you stay with him. You need this job because you crave the adrenaline like we all do. You’ve never been one to sit at home and lounge around.”
I looked at Derek and smirked. “Well, I guess you’ll have to tell him all of this after I leave. I’m heading out to talk to Ryan now.”
I stood and so did Derek, leaning in to give me a hug. We weren’t huggers, but this was different. This was goodbye, or at least, goodbye to our team. Things would be a lot different after this, but after talking with Derek, I knew I was making the right decision.
“Good, you’re hugging it out,” Hunter slapped Derek on the back. “I knew you could talk her out of it. Now, let’s go train.”
I shook my head and turned for the door, walking toward the elevator as Derek started to tell Hunter what he had missed with his ramblings. I got in the elevator and pressed the code, only to see Hunter racing to the elevator and staring at me in devastation as the doors started to close. I held up my hand in a small wave and watched as he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at the
ground. Some things were going to be hard to adjust to.
✯✯✯✯✯
This was so fucking ridiculous. I was standing outside of Ryan’s work, debating whether or not to go in. All I had to do was walk inside and ask him to take me back. Just one simple request. The problem was, I was scared shitless that he was going to tell me no. That he didn’t want to take the chance on me. What would I do then?
I blew out a harsh breath and made my way inside. I was a strong woman. Nothing could bring me down and nothing scared me. I could do this. I went to the receptionist and asked to speak with Ryan, but he was in a meeting. I told her I would wait and forty-five minutes later, she was leading me back to his office.
My heart thundered in my chest as I stepped inside and saw him sitting at his desk. He was just as handsome as I remembered, though maybe a little more tired looking. He looked at me curiously, but didn’t say anything.
“I came to talk to you about something. Can I sit down?”
He nodded and I turned, closing the door so that no one would disturb us. When I sat down, I could see the questions swimming in his eyes, so I didn’t wait.
“I want to be with you. I know that my job is a problem and I decided that I was going to step down from my position. I already talked with Sebastian and he told me that I could take on some administrative rolls around the office. I don’t want to lose you. You’ve become such a big part of my life and I’ve missed you so much since we broke up. I want you back.”
I waited on pins and needles, thinking he would say something right away. Anything. But he just sat there staring at me with lifeless eyes. Tears pricked my eyes as I realized that this wasn’t going to happen. He didn’t want me. All that I thought I was doing to make this work between us was for nothing. I dropped my gaze, not needing to see the look on his face when he said it.
“I’m sorry, Lola. I just can’t. I’ve been fooling myself into thinking that I could do this; that I could move on and try for love again. But I can’t do it. I’m not ready and I don’t know that I ever will be.”
Lola: A Reed Security Romance (Reed Security Series Book 8) Page 22
