‘It’s... I can’t change how I feel, Flora.’
‘I know. I’m not asking you to. Mette’s lost a great deal, more than any child should have to. All she has left is you, and you owe it to her to take care of yourself.’
Aksel thought for a moment, trying to get his head around the idea. ‘It sounds...as if you have a point to make.’
He heard her laugh quietly, and a shiver ran down his spine. ‘My point is that you feel so guilty that your lifestyle kept you from her all those years that you just want to throw it all away. I can understand that, I’ve felt guilty about going out and doing things when Alec was ill in bed. But my mum used to tell me that if I didn’t go, then I couldn’t come home again and tell Alec all about it. You can share the things you’ve done with Mette, too. Don’t be afraid to give her the real you.’
‘And that’ll make my shoulder better?’ Flora might just be right.
‘Maybe. I think the massage and exercise might help as well.’
She gripped his arm, rotating it carefully, seeming satisfied with the result. Then she handed him his T-shirt and Aksel pulled it over his head. The movement felt easier than it had for days.
‘That feels better, thank you. Can we have that glass of wine now?’
She hesitated. ‘It’s not something I’d usually advise after a physiotherapy session. Water’s better in terms of reducing inflammation.’
‘Noted. Since I’m going to ignore your advice and have a glass anyway, you can either send me back to my cottage to drink alone, or join me.’
‘In that case, I’d say it’s my duty to keep an eye on you. I might need to save you from yourself.’
Aksel chuckled, getting to his feet.
* * *
The Advent candle burned on the mantelpiece. Another nineteen days to go. Aksel was sitting next to her on the sofa, and although they’d left as much space between them as possible, it still felt as if they might touch. Christmas was coming, and at the moment all that called to mind was mistletoe.
‘Tell me about your family.’ He sipped his wine, his tone lazy and relaxed now. He’d obviously forgiven her for forcing him to face the facts that he’d been so assiduously ignoring.
‘There isn’t much to tell. There’s the four of us, and we travelled so much when I was a kid that we didn’t see much of the rest of the family. Just at holiday time.’
‘Where are your parents now?’
‘They’re in Italy. Dad’s going to be retiring in a couple of years, so I’m not sure what will happen then. He always said he wanted to come back to Scotland. But my brother’s married and lives in England, and they’re trying for a child. I can’t see my mum wanting to be too far away from a new grandchild.’
‘What does your brother do?’
‘He’s a university lecturer. He fell in love with English literature when he went to Durham University, and then fell in love with his wife. The cystic fibrosis has slowed him down at times, but it’s never stopped him from doing what he wants to do.’
‘That’s a nice way of putting it. It’s what I want for Mette.’
‘She can do more than you think. One day maybe she’ll be leading you off on a trip around the world.’
The yearning in his face made Flora want to reach out and touch him. ‘I’d like that very much.’
‘My brother’s never compromised...’ Flora shrugged. ‘It’s caused its share of heartache, but we’ve faced it as a family.’
He nodded. There was never a need to over-explain with Aksel. He understood her and she understood him. That didn’t mean they necessarily had to like what the other was saying, but the connection between them meant that neither could disregard it.
‘So... You already know what frightens me. What are you afraid of?’
It was such a natural question, but one that was hard to answer. ‘I’m afraid that the in vitro fertilisation for my brother and his wife will fail. They can’t get pregnant on their own because of the cystic fibrosis. They’ll deal with it, if it happens...’
‘So that’s a fear that you can face.’ He was dissatisfied with her reply. ‘What about the ones you can’t face?’
‘I have everything I want.’ That must sound as much like an excuse to Aksel as it did to her. She had everything that she dared reach out for, and that was going to have to be enough.
‘Having everything you want sounds nice.’
‘I have a fireside, and a glass of wine. It’ll be Christmas soon...’ And Aksel was here. But however much she wanted to add him to the list, she couldn’t.
‘And...?’ He reached out, allowing the tips of his fingers to touch hers. Her gaze met his and in an exquisite moment of clarity she knew exactly what he was asking.
She wanted to but she couldn’t. Flora couldn’t bring herself to trust any man enough to give herself to him. And the froth and excitement of a no-strings affair... It seemed great from the outside. But inside, when all the longing turned into disappointment and frustration, it hurt so much more than if it had never happened.
She moved her hand away from his, and he nodded. ‘I’m sorry. I forgot all about my patient ethics for a moment.’
Flora couldn’t help smiling. ‘I thought I was the one who was supposed to be professional.’
‘Oh, and I can’t have ethics? I’m sure there’s something in the patients’ handbook about respecting your medical professional and not making a pass at them.’ He grinned, his eyes dancing with blue fire.
He acknowledged the things that she didn’t dare to. And he made it sound as if it was okay to feel something, as long as they both understood that actions didn’t automatically follow.
‘Fair point. Would it compromise your patient ethics to top up my glass?’
He chuckled. ‘I don’t think so. I’ll do it anyway.’
This was nice. Sitting in front of the fire, drinking wine. Able to voice their thoughts and allow them to slip away. It was the best kind of friendship, and one that she didn’t want to lose. Taking things any further would only mess it up.
CHAPTER EIGHT
FLORA HAD UNDERSTOOD his unspoken question, and Aksel had understood her answer. Maybe she’d also understood that in the electric warmth of her touch, he’d got a little carried away.
She wanted to stay friends. That was fine. It was probably the wisest course of action, and it was just as well that one of them had kept their head. Making love with her might well have turned into the kind of explosive need that had no part in his life since he’d found Mette.
Friends was good. It meant that he could seek her out at the clinic the next day and ask her about the trucks that had been arriving on the estate, wondering aloud if she was interested in accompanying him and Mette on another voyage of discovery.
‘The Christmas carnival is a bit of a fixture here. They set it up every year. There’s usually an ice skating rink.’ They were walking across the grass, with Mette between them, each holding one of his daughter’s hands so that she didn’t fall on the uneven ground.
‘I want to skate!’ Mette piped up, and Aksel swallowed down the impulse to say no. The clinic was proving as much of a learning experience for him as it was for Mette, and he was beginning to understand that, Yes, let’s make that happen was the default position.
‘That sounds fun.’ Flora’s answer wasn’t unexpected. ‘Perhaps you can skate with your papa.’
Okay. He could handle that. Keeping a tight hold on his daughter and guiding her around the edge of the rink. He doubted whether Kari would be all that happy on the ice.
It wasn’t hard to orientate themselves as the carnival site was a blaze of light and activity. Most of the attractions were set up, apart from a few finishing touches, and Aksel recognised a few of the clinic staff using their lunch hour to try out the skating rink. The booth for skate hire wasn’t open yet, and Mette was
mollified with a promise that he would take her skating as soon as it was.
‘We could take a look at the maze.’ Flora gestured towards a tall hedge, decked with fairy lights, which lay on one side of the carnival booths.
‘There’s a maze?’
‘Yes, it was re-planted a few years ago, using the plans of the original one that stood in the grounds. They decided to put it here so it could be part of the Christmas carnival.’
It looked impressive. Aksel bent down, explaining in Norwegian what a maze was, and Mette started to jump up and down.
‘I want to go. I want to go...’
‘Let’s ask, shall we?’ Flora approached a man standing at the entrance, who Aksel recognised by sight as having come from the village. He turned towards Aksel and Mette, waving them towards the entrance.
* * *
It was entirely unsurprising that Aksel forged ahead of them into the maze. The paths were slightly narrower than last year, the hedges having grown since then, and they were tall enough that even he couldn’t see over the top now. They were all walking blind.
‘Where do we go, Papa?’
He stopped, looking around. There was a dead end in front of them, and paths leading to the right and the left.
‘I’m...not sure.’
‘Why don’t you lead the way, then, Mette? We have to try and see if we can find our way to the centre.’
Aksel shot her a questioning look, and then understanding showed in his face. ‘Yes, good idea. Why don’t you tell us which way to go?’
He stepped back behind Mette, who stretched out her hand, finding the branches to one side of her. Kari watched over her, walking by her side, as she carefully walked ahead, following the line of the hedge right up to the dead end, and then turning back and to her right.
‘I think she’s got the right idea.’ Flora fell into step beside Aksel, whispering the words to him.
‘Will this work? Following the wall to your right...?’ he whispered back,
Flora shot him an outraged look. ‘Of course it will. We’ll get there if we just stay with Mette.’
‘Papa...?’ Mette hesitated, suddenly unsure of herself.
‘It’s okay, Mette. Just keep going, we’re right behind you.’ He reached forward, touching his daughter’s shoulder to let her know that he was there, and she nodded, confident again.
Mette led them unerringly to the centre of the maze, where a small six-sided structure built in stone was decked with fairy lights. Kari guided her towards it, and she walked around it until she found the arched doorway.
‘We can go inside, Mette.’ Aksel was right behind her, patiently waiting for Mette to find her own way, and he’d seen the notice pinned to one side of the arch. ‘We can climb to the top of the tower if you want to.’
The tower at the centre of the maze had a curving stone staircase inside, and from the viewing platform at the top it was possible to see the whole maze, the walkways picked out by sparkling fairy lights. Mette might not be able to see them, but she could still climb, and still feel that she was the queen of this particular castle.
Aksel guided her ahead of him, ducking under the arch and letting Mette find the handrail and climb the steps. Flora followed, Kari loping up the steps at her side. The four of them could just squeeze onto the small viewing platform at the top, bounded by crenellated stonework.
‘Papa! I found the way!’ Mette squealed with excitement, and Aksel lifted her up in his arms.
‘Ja elskling...’ He was hugging the little girl tightly, and he seemed to have tears in his eyes. ‘I’m so proud of you, Mette.’
‘I’m an explorer too, Papa.’
Aksel seemed to be lost for words. Flora wanted so badly to put her arms around them both, but this was their moment. Mette had used some of the techniques that the clinic was teaching her, and they’d worked for all of them in the maze. And Aksel had found that for all his height and strength, and even though he could see, he’d not known which way to go any more than Mette had.
Flora waited while they savoured their triumph. Then she reached out, touching Mette’s hand to catch her attention.
‘Are you going to lead us back out again now?’
‘She’d better. I don’t know the way.’ Aksel’s voice was thick with emotion still.
Mette regarded him solemnly. ‘What if I get lost, Papa?’
‘You won’t.’ He set Mette back down on her feet, turning to guide her carefully down the staircase.
* * *
By the time they’d navigated their way out of the maze, the stallholders had almost finished setting up for the opening later on that afternoon, and the proprietor of the village tea shop was pleased to sell them sausage rolls, warm from the small oven on his stall, and made with homemade beef sausagemeat.
They wandered between the lines of stalls, and when Mette had finished eating, Aksel lifted her up onto his shoulders. Then he caught sight of it, stopping suddenly and staring at the open-sided tent.
‘What’s that?’ He couldn’t take his eyes off the large blocks of ice under the awning.
‘You want to go and have a look? I’ll stay here with Mette.’ Flora had a feeling that this was something that Aksel would like to explore on his own.
‘I...’ He turned, but seemed unable to find enough momentum to walk away. Looking back, he nodded. ‘Yes. If you don’t mind.’
‘Of course not. We can go and get some doughnuts to take back with us.’
‘I’ll be back in a minute.’ He lifted Mette down from his shoulders and Flora took her hand, watching as Aksel strode across to the tent. She’d be very surprised if he was back in a minute.
They chose and purchased their doughnuts, and Flora looked back towards the tent to see Aksel deep in conversation with Ted Mackie, the estate manager. Ted was eyeing him up, clearly deciding whether it would be okay to let Aksel loose with a chainsaw. Flora resisted the temptation to run up to Ted, take him by the lapels of his coat, and tell him that if Aksel could be trusted to get to both Poles and back, he could be trusted with power tools. And that he really needed to do something like this.
‘What’s Papa doing?’ Mette was unable to see her father.
‘He’s right over there, at one of the other stalls. Shall we go and see?’ Aksel had taken the pair of work gloves that Ted had proffered, and was passing them from one hand to the other as he talked. He was tempted. Flora could see that he was very tempted.
She walked slowly over to the tent, wondering whether that would give Aksel time to give in to the temptation. She could see him checking out the chainsaw and running his hand over one of the large blocks of ice. Ted was nodding in agreement to something he’d said.
‘Hi. We’ve got doughnuts.’ Aksel jumped when Flora spoke, too immersed in his conversation to have noticed them approaching. Flora tried hard not to smirk.
‘Oh... I suppose...’ He handed the gloves back to Ted ruefully. ‘I’d really like to give this a go but...’
Ted flashed Flora a glance. ‘Shame. It would be good to have something to show people. It would give us a start.’
‘I’d like to but...’ Aksel turned, masking the regret in his face with a smile. ‘We need to get you back to the clinic, Mette. You’ve got a play date this afternoon.’
One of the well-organised play sessions, which would help Mette to make the most of her limited sight. They were very well supervised, and Mette was already making friends at the clinic. Aksel really wasn’t needed.
‘If you’d like to stay here, I can take Mette back.’
‘We bought you a doughnut, Papa. So you don’t get hungry.’
‘Thank you.’ He grinned down at Mette, taking the paper bag that she was holding out towards him. ‘I should come back with you, though.’
Ted had bent down to Mette and took her hand, leading her over to
the blocks of ice so that she could run her hand over them to feel the icy coldness beneath her fingertips. Aksel looked about to follow, and Flora caught his sleeve.
‘She can do that by herself, Aksel. Ted’s looking after her.’
‘I know, but...’ His forehead creased into a frown. ‘I’m crowding her, aren’t I?’
‘You’re spending time with her, so that you can make a relationship. That’s great.’ Aksel shot her an unconvinced look. ‘And, yes, you are crowding her a bit. She’s learning how to explore her world.’
‘And this is what the therapists at the clinic are teaching her.’ He looked over at Mette thoughtfully.
‘That’s our job, all of us. We may have specific roles, but we all have the same aim.’ Everyone who worked here on the estate was a part of that. Ted took the children on nature walks during the summer, and Mrs Renwick, the cook at the castle, held regular cookery classes for both adults and children.
‘All the same, Mette’s far more important than this...’
‘Yes, she is. She’s important to all of us, and she’s just starting to feel at home at the clinic. She has a play date this afternoon, and she’s going to have a great time. You can either interfere with that, or you can stay here and make her something nice.’
He narrowed his eyes. ‘Are you just saying that because you know I want to stay?’
‘I’m saying this because staying’s okay. Mette has other things to do this afternoon.’
Aksel was frowning, now. ‘I was rather hoping that she’d learn to need me.’
Flora puffed out an exasperated breath. ‘She does need you, Aksel. She needs you to be her father, which means you’re always there for her. It doesn’t mean that you have to follow her around all the time. The whole point of her being here is to learn to be independent.’
Most people would have hummed and hawed about it a bit. But Aksel had the information he needed, and it was typical of him to make his decision and act on it.
Festive Fling with the Single Dad Page 8
