“It says self defense on the report.”
She scoffed. “It’s not wrong, but it’s not right either.” She shook her head. “Let’s just say, Sirus got his punishment as well. Chances are you didn’t start hearing rumors until after he came back.”
I had to put down everything I was working on because I was at that point where I needed to know details. Sirus will keep all the rest of the secret to himself so Alya is my only hope.
“Don’t tell him I told you what I think happened.” She sat up. “But, you don’t think he just really lost it in that one second, do you?”
Does she think... When it clicked, my eyes widened with shock. I knew what she was saying.
“You think it was premeditated?”
“I’m not saying that to be a bitch or anything, but I know Sirus, and when he’s in a situation he doesn’t like, he will find ways to get out of it.”
That’s true, but...
“Don’t tell him I said this. After all, its not like I have all the facts.” She sat back again.
“And you can only say this because you’ve known him for so long...”
“Yeah, Sirus and I go way back. So I saw the change when it happened. Now he’s just...him.”
“I feel wrong trying to get answers behind his back.”
“It’s not like him to talk about personal things.” She said and looked away. “Speaking of personal things though, I heard you’re modifying tablets to help with the rebellion.” She glanced at me, waiting for me to make up a dumb excuse.
I just sighed.
“Sirus loves to brag, but when it comes to anything else, his fucking mouth is always shut.” She was angry about that part.
“I can’t...” As much as I wanted to tell her that I won’t do anything for her, I just reached a point where it doesn’t matter. “Fine.”
“I also heard about the white lights on his bike-” When I shook my head, she stopped talking, only to start up again a second later. “But those pesky tracking devices though...”
"That I can’t help you with.” I said quickly.
“Why does he always get the cool stuff?” She pouted sadly and stood up. “You two really must be together.” She said as she began to walk away.
“Hey! Don’t go spreading that around.” I just about yelled at her but she waved her hand and ignored my comment as she left.
I sighed to myself and looked around.
People are talking, which means the rumors about the rebellion will make its way to Janus. And if he finds out that I’m the root of all this, I won’t have anything to say. The plan wasn’t for me to go behind the system, I’m just here to help those who need the help. I am not part of the rebellion. I am only helping.
What am I going to do to keep people quiet? It’s like every day more and more people know. My involvement is too deep. I’m modifying devices, making things to identify people, and I’m about to get someone to help me control the gas situation. I just want to understand how someone can talk about things like this and spread it like it isn’t a deadly secret.
There was a lot more for me to worry about.
For a long while, I was staring off into the distance, slowly being eaten by my fear of being caught and the fear of not being able to help anyone. This is what its like to suffer. I know how to take steps to solve the problem but actually doing it is what’s difficult for me. I’ve been sitting in my seat for what seemed like years, only to be around fifteen minutes. And I watched the wall as I thought to myself.
“Hey,” Someone said beside me but I just shushed them on impulse.
I needed a moment to remind myself to breathe, so I wanted it to be dead silent. I need to collect myself.
When I had control over how I felt, I turned to look at Taurus who took a seat beside me.
“Okay?” She asked.
“I’m getting there.” I sighed and tried to resume working on assignments.
“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?” She asked since she got the feeling like I wasn’t going to survive long.
I wasn’t.
“Because then I wouldn’t have anything to take my mind off the stress.”
I didn’t plan to take the day off.
“Tell me I’m not crazy.” I sighed.
“That would be lying.” She said, and I know she meant well, but deep down I think she wants me to know that I might be crazy. “You need a day off.”
I need time to think my plans through.
“Want to go out after our shift is over?” She asked.
“Yeah. I could use a few hours of not all of this.” I motioned to everything in front of me.
The rebellion is kicking my ass. What am I supposed to say about that? Every time I explain it to someone, they just shrug about it and join along like it’s nothing. It’s not as easy as everyone makes it seem. I’ve already gotten myself in trouble with what I’m doing.
I have no one that will understand that I’m slowly falling apart.
I need more than just a few hours.
I need days.
Chapter 8
I sat on the bathroom counter, waiting as Sirus did his best to put the contacts in by himself. These aren’t regular contacts anymore because of the modifications so it feels heavy on the eye. It can only take so much amount of fluid as well. Where regular contacts need to be moisten, these can’t stay like that for long. I pushed the sleeves of the sweater I wore up and pulled Sirus towards me after watching him struggle for five minutes.
“Anything special for today?” I asked as I took the contact from his finger. Today can’t be random since he wanted to wear these contacts out.
It also looks more like he might be going on a serious mission today. Does Janus finally have him doing something he wants to do? Sirus doesn’t necessarily put effort in until it’s something he’s dying to do. I wasn’t as curious as I should be.
“Just thought it would be a good chance to use them.” He said. But there was more to it. Is he lying?
“Okay.” It’s none of my business. As long as he doesn’t break them, and I don’t get in trouble, I don’t care what he does.
My hand moved under his chin so I could lift his head a little more to see. He kept his attention on me, and just for a second I thought he would say something demeaning and rude. It’s just with the way he looks at me. My fingers didn’t drop from where they were on him.
It’s been way too long and I shouldn’t be nervous.
Though, being this close to Sirus and not hearing him ask for something sexual puts me on edge.
“I’m surprised you’re not snooping around to find anything else about the problem.” He said and smile at me as he noticed my slight discomfort.
“I’m good for today.”
It’s eight in the morning but I’ve already had enough. I’m tired. I woke up to the worst nightmare this week so right now I’m not in the best position to go out and find shocking truths. I like to sleep and I want to be able to do that again.
I fixed the contacts in for him and I prayed that he won’t show off to everyone in the world. Sirus just has this habit of showing how he is better than everyone and I would be fine with that if it didn’t include me, but the contacts make me included.
“Please-”
He groaned and rolled his eyes. “I won’t break them.”
That’s not the only thing but I guess I don’t have to say it.
There’s going to be some surprise later knowing Sirus and how he does things. Someone will find out about the contacts, the surprise is who. I wasn’t going to lecture him about it, he’s grown enough to know that it will be his fault if anyone finds out about this.
He didn’t move away from me and I couldn’t get off the counter because he was between my legs. It seemed like he didn’t plan to move either.
“Sirus.” I was about to warn him when he put his hand down on my thigh. “No...”
Technically I wasn’t going to mind if he did anyt
hing but I can’t let him know that.
Not saying anything else when his other hand moved underneath the black sweater I was wearing was enough for him to know that I really wouldn’t try to stop him. I guess this morning was that morning.
His fingers trailed my skin slowly as he brought the sweater up.
“Bored?” He asked.
It’s not like I had anything specific to do today. In fact, I had nothing to do. And when that happens I just stare outside until there is something to do.
So I guess I was bored.
I didn’t say anything as he came closer to me, waiting to see if I would meet him half way and I did. The thing is now that I don’t care, it’s much easier to do whatever I want.
His hand pressed on my chest as the other began to pull down the sweatpants I wore.
I didn’t want to ask him to touch me, he would only make me beg for it. In my mind though, I desperately wanted him to get right to the point if he planned on doing something. The words were about to leave my lips but I stopped myself.
I’m not much for all the foreplay and I tell him this every single time; I don’t understand what he gets out of taking his slow time. All it is for me is feeling awkwardly impatient and wanting him to get it over with.
When he touches me incredibly slow or softly, it makes me feel like I have to ask him to be rougher; I know what he’s into and being gentle is not it.
My hands yanked at his long sleeve shirt, already lifting it up so I could get it off him. The urgency I felt made him laugh.
“You know exactly what you’re doing.” I said quietly as he moved to kiss my neck.
“And what’s that?” He was amused.
“Being unnecessarily gentle.”
“You like it better when I’m gentle-”
“No, I don’t like it when you pull my hair or put bruises on my skin for absolutely no reason.” I complained to him, though I know he doesn’t care. “I also don’t like when you talk to me like I am as “slutty” as you think I am. Plus-” I definitely had to add, “I’m not flexible so stop it.” I told him.
How long have we been together? I would hope that Sirus understands that I do have my limits, especially when it comes to things like this.
But he laughed and placed his hand on the mirror. “I’ll never be sorry about any of that.” He said lowly in my ear.
I closed my eyes and took a breath.
“Think I don’t know that?”
“I find myself reminding you a lot.” He said and began lifting my shirt; I brought my arms up so he could take it off me. “You don’t have to pretend you don’t like any of it.”
If only I wasn’t pretending.
“I see the face you make every time. And don’t get me started on how you always mark up my back.” He said. “You’re a little touchy on your good days. And my God, on your best days, you are a squealer.” He began to smile.
I pulled my lips in and looked away. Unfortunately, I couldn’t deny him. I’ve caught myself having some of those problems.
“Squealer is not the right word.” I wanted to correct him.
“Hm.” He didn’t believe me. “You’re not much of a screamer, like I really have to work hard for that. But begging is something you’re good at.”
I rolled my eyes but I didn’t have anything to say to that.
I guess on occasion, I might’ve gotten a little out of hand but that’s not my fault. When Sirus isn’t gentle, neither am I. Shameful as it is to admit but there are times where I do indulge in the fun.
I guess.
I sighed and sat up straighter on the counter, wanting to avoid Sirus’ gaze on me. There were a lot of things he could be thinking at the moment. One thing for sure was what he was going to do to me. My fingers pressed down on the black marble counter and I had to remind myself that I shouldn’t give in unless I find it necessary to do so.
“Come on, Aurora.” His hand moved under my chin to lift my head up. “Stop pretending.” He urged.
I bit my lip as I looked away, the blush rising to my face. There he goes again with the teasing. I don’t usually lie to Sirus because he can figure it out when I’m doing it, just like I can do the same to him.
Today I couldn’t pretend.
“Fine.” I groaned.
“It’s not hard to tell the truth.” He said and moved his hands under my thighs.
He knows how I hate being lifted. I was resistant as he pulled me up.
“Come on, be good.” He said when I wouldn’t cooperate.
My arms moved around his neck and my legs wrapped around his waist so he could carry me into the room. I know what this is about to lead to and I had to keep the little excitement I had to myself.
This morning bothered me, just because of my nightmare. I’m tired and don’t really want to be alone. Here Sirus is thinking I’m more interested in sex.
If I can keep him here then I won’t say anything.
He put me down in bed and was just as about to take his shirt off when I stopped him. I don’t want him to get too excited about this. I took his arm and got him in bed too so I could move on top of him.
This way, he doesn’t grab too hard on me. Well, unless he’s into it.
It’s not everyday I take the chance to...take control. It’s fun, I guess, but Sirus is always watching and that’s what makes it more embarrassing. Today I was going to deal with it. I was bored, tired, and soon lonely because he’ll have to leave.
“So can I-”
“No.” I stopped him. “You know how this works, Sirus. Please do not get overly excited.” I reminded him like I always do.
It’s going to be a fight to stay in control today. I can feel it.
But I can keep him for an hour or two. I’m sure no one will even notice that he’s not around yet. I’ll give him up when I’m done.
It wasn’t even two hours in to my quiet day when I could hear loud voices coming from outside. I paused in the kitchen, listening to the sound of my name coming up in conversation. It was like an argument with a group of people.
And unfortunately, I knew all of those voices.
What’s coming next was something I couldn’t avoid.
“I want contacts, too, Aurora!” Alya was the first one to whine when she walked inside the house.
Why would she...
When Sirus finally showed himself, I glared at him.
He brought four more people with him and he didn’t seem so shameful about it. It hasn’t been more than two hours! I knew this would happen. How could I expect more from him?
“You had one fucking job, Sirus.” I yelled at him as I banged my hand on the counter. Multiple times.
“It’s not my fault with the way they’ve been spying on me for the past week!”
“That’s not my problem!” I said over him. “I told you not to say anything-”
“And I didn’t, like I told you I wouldn’t.” He yelled back at me. “It’s not going to be my fault if they start digging around for answers.”
He just lied to me. Those four asked questions and he answered them. I don’t care if he initiated it or not. The problem is that he talked and that’s what provoked me more.
“Why can’t you just listen to me for once in your life, I swear, you just never understand anything, it’s like talking to a wall!” I shouted at him.
“Christ, Aurora, it’s not even that big of a fucking deal-”
I hate when he says that. I hate when everyone says that. Because when I’m freaking out, of course it’s a big deal. I wouldn’t be freaking out if it wasn’t a big deal!
“But here I am pissed off anyway.” I said with an intense sarcastic tone to my voice. “Do you think I would be yelling at you if it wasn’t a big fucking deal, Sirus?” I asked him loudly, my hands hitting the counter from the anger.
While Sirus and I continued to yell at each other, which probably won’t stop unless someone shuts one of us up, Orion made his way over to me and put his arm around
my shoulders so he could lean on me. That’s what made me stop shouting so loud. My face was still hot and I felt the anger pulse through my body. It definitely wasn’t helpful with the others closing in on me.
“What?” I snapped.
“Whoa there.” Orion put his hands up and backed away a little. “Just came to ask for those cool pair of toys you gave Sirus-”
My eyes widened and I took a step back from him. I couldn’t control whatever anger bubbled over.
These are not toys for them to play with!
“You just don’t get it!” I just about lost it. “They are not toys, okay. This isn’t some game. And it sure as hell isn’t something I can just do because I have free time now.” I yelled at them.
“Aurora-”
If another person interrupts me I will start throwing things.
“Can you listen to me for once?” I’m not even in charge of them anymore and I still have to demand that they just listen to me. “I cannot give you everything.” I emphasized every word so they would understand.
I have no idea what they expect from me now but I will not dedicate my life to this. I don’t want to. I can’t make everything for everyone. And I was hoping Sirus would get his shit together and keep this a secret like he promised me he would.
The other contacts I have aren’t for these four but I guess I have no choice but to give it to them.
The stress of fighting was going to destroy me and I didn’t want to go through it.
I sighed and gave up, shaking my head and stomping off to get the other boxes with the contacts in them. I am no longer making anything. I give up. I’ve done my part to help and now I’m done. There’s nothing else I will do. I grabbed the boxes I had hidden and set them on the counter.
“Don’t ask me for anything ever again.” I said and walked back into the room, slamming the door shut.
I’m just so tired of everything that’s going on and I hate that this is happening to me. More and more people keep finding out, now they’ll just demand more from me. What am I supposed to do about that? I already have enough to deal with. I can’t keep control of more people if they get involved with the situation. That’s just more pressure on me.
Insurrection on New Planet Page 11
