by Sarah Noffke
“Oh well, that’s too bad, but maybe it’s just your perspective. You’re with your family. It can’t be all bad,” Trey says.
“It’s day three of me wearing the same clothes, so I’d say my perspective isn’t the problem. Girls who can’t close bloody doors are the problem. Goats are the fucking problem. Dahlia’s incompetent shopper is the problem,” I say.
The douche bag who Dahlia obviously overpays wasn’t able to have my suits delivered to the hotel in Monterey before we left. The personal shopper is having them transferred to our hotel in San Francisco. Like a fucking pioneer I had my tattered suit laundered by the losers at the hotel who obviously have no idea what they’re doing. Now my suit feels stiff but at least it’s clean-ish.
“That sounds rough. Your vacation has hit a few snags?” Trey says on the other side of the phone.
I look at Dahlia, who is probably going to drive us into the bloody ocean. Taking the hairpin turns through the coastal towns has nearly given me gray hairs, which I always thought I’d like because they’d mask the obnoxious red. However, I didn’t want to earn all those grays in one sitting. I’m fairly certain the state of California wants its residents to die. Why else make curvy roads with no guardrails on the side of a cliff with zero shoulder? One false move and we’re plummeting over the edge and into the rocky Pacific. Yay for bloody vacations and adventures.
“Anyway, enough about this farce of a trip. What’s going on with the Strategic Department? Any level five cases come in while I’ve been gone?” I say.
“Trent has it all covered,” Trey says and then nothing else. We both go silent.
“Ren,” he says after a long few seconds. “I recognize that you prefer to work.”
“Well, I’m not a lazy drain on resources,” I say, throwing a glance at Adelaide in the backseat who returns it with a hateful smirk.
“But you haven’t taken a vacation in over twenty years,” Trey says. “This is good for you and although it will take an adjust—”
I switch off the phone, tired of listening to his unsolicited advice.
“Well, that was an abrupt ending to the phone call,” Adelaide says.
“Stops eavesdropping, loser,” I say.
“So Trey didn’t have any use for you,” the pain in the ass continues.
I remain silent, unsure if it’s the constant proximity or the gross clothes or the lack of work that’s driving me fucking crazy.
“Maybe the Institute really doesn’t need you anymore,” Adelaide says, again searching for my buttons. “Maybe you should retire, grandpa.”
“Do you know how many cases I’ve successfully overseen the strategy and solution for?” I say.
“You’ll no doubt tell me,” Adelaide says because she wants to be strangled.
I stayed focused forward and say, “Over one hundred and twenty-six million people owe their lives, livelihood, or mobility to me and the work I’ve done.”
“Is that all?” Adelaide says. “Gosh, after twenty years of service you think you’d have more of an impact. Maybe this guy Trent will have better results as Head Strategist. He can’t do any worse than his predecessor.”
She’s trying to get to me and it’s working. But I attempt to cover up my frustration. “Do you realize that the pyramids were supposed to be destroyed ten years ago? Flattened. Completely and utterly destroyed. But I prevented it. And three U.S. Presidents were going to be assassinated in the last two decades. And the Grand Canyon was supposed to be fill—”
Cold wind rips through Adelaide’s window as she lowers it completely.
“What?!” she yells up to me. “I can’t hear you.”
I shake my head and turn away from the ungrateful heathen.
***
“You’ve got be kidding me,” I say, staring at the gigantic building in front of me.
“I’m not and I don’t see what the big deal is,” Dahlia says, grabbing my hand and tugging me forward.
“The big deal is you expect me to trudge around a rinky-dink aquarium and compete with a bunch of Middlings for a chance to see a fucking sea horse. Next thing you know I’ll be waiting in a queue and standing next to a worthless bloke while I take a piss. What kind of man do you think I am?” I say.
“A changeable one, who is open to new experiences and adventures,” Dahlia says. “And this isn’t just any aquarium, it’s the world-renowned Monterey aquarium.”
I size up the lobby, taking in the mass of people staring at their dumb phones and talking in their outside voices. “Dahlia, you know I don’t do public places. That’s for everyone’s health and benefit.”
“Ren, your grandson wants to see fish. And this is important to me that we do it all together.” Then she gets that look, that almost pitiful one that’s been plaguing her. She’s close to really dealing with this all but for now it’s still fresh, and until then I know she will struggle to reinforce her soon to be indomitable spirit.
“Oh, fine,” I say. “But stop calling it that.”
“You mean calling Lucien your grandson?” Adelaide says, pushing a giant stroller half the size of the SUV.
“Yes, that. It makes me feel old and sound like…” I trail off, not sure what it makes me sound like.
“A real person with a real life,” Dahlia says, hitting the nail on the head.
“Shut up, diva who knows zero about being a real person,” I say.
“I want to see the sharks,” Adelaide says, holding up the map of this blasted place. She’s just exchanged one map for another. It’s like a bloody obsession of hers.
“Lead the way, little life-ruiner,” I say, holding up my hand.
She pushes Lucien in the stroller through the crowd of people. They are every bloody where. Most stand in the thoroughfare with zero clue that other people need to get around their fat asses. People are so unbelievably oblivious. “Coming through. Move to the side,” I say loudly.
People jerk their dumb faces in my direction as I yell. And the fuckers grimace at me, but they indeed move out of our way.
“Why can’t we just use mind control to clear the space?” Adelaide says.
I regard the ceiling that has life-sized sea creatures hanging from it. The lamest shit really entertains these dumbasses.
“Because the last time I checked I can only simultaneously control three to five people at a time depending on their IQ. And you’re about as messy with the skill as a dog eating powdered donuts. Besides, why the hell would I want to drain my reserves so you all can see a bunch of goldfish? I’m only here to appease the pop star since I’m still in the doghouse for abandoning her for a few years,” I say.
“Nineteen years,” Dahlia chirps. “And you’ll probably die in that doghouse.”
“Well then I might as well just teleport back to Malibu where I’m sure my lovely armchair is missing me,” I say.
“Do it, Ren Lewis, and that death of yours will be sooner and rather unnatural,” Dahlia says, her eyes scanning although I can’t see them behind her big glasses.
“You know I secretly love your threats,” I say.
“You’re awful at keeping a secret then,” she says, tucking her hair back into the shawl around her head. She looks about like a pop star trying to walk around in disguise. It’s so bloody obvious.
“Wow,” Adelaide says when we arrive in a large dim-lit half-enclosed area. The aquarium is easily two stories tall. Bright blue reflects off the dark faces gawking at the sea life swimming around the golden seaweed. A large school of minnows earns a few gasps from the crowd when they skirt across the glass, moving like a single beast instead of ten thousand separate creatures.
A kid in the front slams his hand on the glass. “Come here, sharky,” the little shit hollers. “Come here now!”
The black-eyed monster, graceful and with a deadly air about him, shoots across the tank, almost like answering the call. In all of my travels I’ve never seen a shark. Never much cared to, I guess. My dream travels have taken me all over, b
ut I’ve always been concerned with studying people because the human condition is the least understood and the one in need of fixing. Animals have never been the problem. But now to see this menacing creature in front of me brings a rush of competing thoughts and also with it a wave of anger. Watching these animals behind closed glass is a vastly different experience than observing the elephant seals. There we were the ones held back by a fence, and they were free to the entire Pacific ocean. They made the choice to lounge on that beach. But here we are the free mammals and the sea life in front of us held captive behind glass.
“Woohoo,” a guy beside the boy yells. “Right on,” he says and slams his palm flat on the glass. The shark, who had turned its tail and was swimming away, turns around and darts for the glass, spinning downward just before careening with the glass. He must be used to the perimeters of his cage. Then the shark swims away and, as though he’s called the tuna and other giant fish to follow him, the tank wall empties in front of us. They’ve probably only retreated to the other wall where fuckers who paid too much to get in here are antagonizing the animals. This whole situation is too fucked up. I’ve never considered myself an advocate but to watch animals being put on display for our entertainment and education flips a switch in my head. I get that many are living better lives than they would in the wild. I get that some are rescues going through rehabilitation, but how often do we tell ourselves that when it’s just a caged animal. Zoos and aquariums with glass walls serve a purpose but they also teach ignorant fuckers that they are better because they aren’t the ones being held captive. When was it ever our right, because we have opposable thumbs, to put God’s animals on permanent display in every major city in the world? We might be saving a few, but we wouldn’t have to save any if we weren’t fucking up the whole planet. And believe me, I know what humans are responsible for. I stop half of the fucked up stuff they do.
Billy or fucktard or whatever shitty name his parents gave him jumps in the air trying to spy where the shark went. “Hey,” he screams, slamming his hand on the glass. “Where’d he go? Where did they all go?”
“I don’t know, buckaroo,” the man beside him says, and he’s about to slam his hand on the glass too. I’m certain the staff here wouldn’t allow this. However, they are probably too busy dealing with all the other fuckers who are creating havoc in the aquarium because they are all hyped up on ego, thinking they are the biggest fucking fish in the ocean. I teleport just in time before the man’s hand slams down on the glass. I land just in front of him. The man freezes completely, stunned by my sudden appearance.
“Don’t,” I say.
“Wait,” the fool says, looking behind him and then spinning around to look at me. “Where’d you come from?”
Behind him the fifteen or twenty people in the area gawk and begin to point at me.
“From your worst nightmare, and you better back up unless you want me to send you straight to your personal hell,” I say, sticking my probe in the wanker’s mind to understand its workings, which are unsurprisingly simple and full of useless bullshit.
“That guy just appeared out of nowhere,” someone says. Then it becomes a chorus of whispers.
“Hey, buddy, what’s with the threats? We are just looking at fish,” he says, still in shock.
“You want to see fish? You are a fucking sardine, look in the mirror,” I say.
He cups his son’s ears. “Watch your mouth. Don’t you see there are kids here?”
“I won’t watch my mouth. And I see the kids, but my saying words like ‘fuck’ isn’t the worst thing they’ll witness today,” I say, and then point out to the crowd. “You all gawking at imprisoned fish while you chomp on sugary snacks and contribute zero good to the world is the biggest injustice. You fuckers drag your imbecile asses around this planet, sucking up resources, terrorizing, and leaving your bloody trash for others to bury. You came here to see a shark or whale or a rattlesnake. Well, go out in the bloody world and see them in real life and not imprisoned for your enjoyment. And while you’re at it stop fucking around because I’m tired of watching the repugnant shit you all do,” I say. And I’m not sure where this explosion has come from, but it feels overdue.
“Who do you think you are?” the guy says.
“I’m the man who is responsible for you being alive, you good for nothing son-of-a-bitch. I’m the very reason any of you are breathing semi-passable air. I’m the man you all should be thanking, but you don’t even know it. I’m the biggest fucking shark you’ve ever met.” Then I spin around and throw a finger in the little boy’s direction. “And if you ever slam a hand on the glass of an aquarium I will haunt your bloody dreams, got it?”
Chapter Eleven
“Well, that was fun,” Dahlia says, not meaning it.
“You could have stayed,” I say, slamming the door shut.
“No, I think after a crowd witnessed you teleport and then throw a fit that it was time we all got out of there,” she says.
“I didn’t throw a fit,” I say.
“What are we calling what happened back there?” Adelaide asks from her familiar place in the backseat.
“I made a stand. I’ve just had enough of human stupidity. This is your fault,” I say, pointing at Dahlia. “Take me to a crowded tourist attraction and I’m going to explode.”
“I take full blame and should have realized you’d never be able to behave yourself in a situation like that,” she says.
The old Dahlia never would have admitted a mistake here. She would have teased me incessantly. Found another way to provoke me.
“Is that why we couldn’t fly? Because you’d take people out if you were locked in a small compartment with mindless blokes?” Adelaide says.
“Well, if that was the reason then you wouldn’t be with us anymore,” I say.
Instead of responding to the insult she says, “Hmmm, that’s not the reason, huh? Flying is easy, convenient, and would have cut our travel time and therefore your torture. So—”
“Would you shut up about bloody planes,” I say, my anger at a new level since I haven’t had a chance to cool down after the aquarium.
“Why? What is your deal with planes?” she says, her tone playful.
“I don’t have a deal with planes, so cool it,” I say, my voice sharp and about to break.
“Hmmm,” she hums. “Is it possible, just maybe, that you’re afraid to fly?”
I press my head into the cushion behind me. “No, that’s not possible, you worthless detective.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’ve gotten pretty good at observing based on your instructions and I noticed a few micro expressions in you that are linked to fear responses,” Adelaide says.
To hell with this girl. Why do I ever teach her anything? “You’re wrong,” I say.
“Then why did you just lie? I saw that micro expression too. Wow, this training you gave me is super valuable and helpful,” she says.
Fuck! “Look, I have zero reason to fly. I can teleport, remember. Something that will make you combust if you try it,” I say.
“But there’s also the fact that you, the man afraid of almost nothing, are obviously afraid of flying,” Adelaide says, and she’s using that voice. My voice. The one I use when I’ve figured someone out against their better efforts to thwart my invasion.
“I don’t get it though. If a plane started to go down you could just dream travel away,” she says.
“Apparently you’ve never had to dream travel under incredibly stressful factors. It’s about like trying to fall asleep at a rock concert,” I say.
“So you may not be able to get away. And then you would plummet to your death like a Middling,” Adelaide says.
“I never do anything like a Middling,” I say in response.
“But you are afraid of flying, aren’t you?”
I snatch the magazine that Lucien was chewing on earlier and Adelaide left on the center console. “Flying is unnatural. And planes are a bunch of daft technolo
gy,” I say.
“They’re built using science,” Adelaide says, enjoying this too much.
“Enough said,” I say.
“Well, it looks like we’ve found your weak spot. You’re afraid to fly. A Dream Traveler who can soar through space and time as long as his toes don’t leave the earth and he has to depend on science or technology or anything besides himself,” Adelaide says.
I turn and scold her with a single look. “You may think you’re being cute, little girl. However, when you find yourself on the side of the road, and that burden you’ve bestowed upon yourself your ball and chain, ensuring you can’t dream travel away, you may not be laughing so loudly,” I say.
“You wouldn’t desert Lucien,” she says.
“No, but I may make him endure an hour or two alone on the side of the road with your grouchy ass to make you suffer. And just imagine that people can’t pass a stranded woman and child. You’ll have truck drivers lining up to help you. So many your tiny brain will explode trying to use mind control to get them all to bug off,” I say.
She slides down in her seat. “It’s not any fun to tease you when you act like that.”
“Like what? The person with way more power?” I say.
Chapter Twelve
“She just quit,” Dahlia says, disconnecting the call. “After twelve and a half years, Monet, my personal shopper, just quit.”
