“I … can’t explain it exactly.”
A pained look flashed across his face, and for a brief second, her gut clenched. “Can’t? Or won’t?” she spat. When he didn’t answer, she laughed bitterly. “I thought so.”
“You don’t have to … what I mean is.” He took a step forward. “Does it hurt?”
“Hurt?”
He took another step. “Does it hurt you? When I come closer?”
He was about three feet away from her now. She didn’t even realize that he’d been inching toward her. “I … no.” Her fox eyed him warily, yes, but it didn’t claw at her.
He let out a relieved breath. “Okay.”
“Okay, what?”
“Can I come closer?”
She bit her lip. Her fox shook its head. “No.”
“But you’re not hurting?”
“I said I wasn’t,” she snapped. “Please, can we just get on with this? What do you want, John?”
“It’s my fault you’re like this. That you’re not healing. And you can’t see color. And everything … everything you said … I know it now.”
“Know what?”
“What I did. I broke you. I broke us.”
The pang in her heart came unexpectedly. “There is no us.”
“I know, and that’s my fault.” His expression softened, then turned to determination. “And I’m going to fix you.”
Was he serious? Her jaw went slack. He sure sounded and looked serious. “I don’t know if you can.”
“I’m going to do it, Dutchy.” His hands curled into fists at his sides. “I don’t care how long it takes or what I have to do.”
“I—”
He moved so quickly; he was practically a blur. She thought he’d disappeared, but she could feel his presence behind her. “I swear to you,” he whispered as he leaned down close, though he didn’t touch her. “I’m going to fix us.”
And with that, he was gone, leaving her heart pounding in her chest.
“Miss?” Muriel asked as she rushed to her side and placed a hand on her forehead. “Are you all right? You look pale. Should I call the doctor?”
She spied Angela’s Ford Focus rounding the corner. “No.” She didn’t want to go back into the hospital. And if she were honest, her racing pulse had nothing to do with feeling sick.
I’m going to fix us.
Hope threatened to flower in her chest, but she didn’t dare nurture it. When he’d first left her that day, she’d daydreamed of something like this. But now, months later, she didn’t want to get her hopes up again. He’d already crushed her hopes once and she’d paid for it. She wouldn’t be able to survive it a second time.
Chapter Nine
A few more days had passed since Krieger saw Dutchy leaving the hospital. While he was glad she was out of there, seeing her looking so frail and vulnerable only drove him and his bear to the brink. He tried to stay away from her initially because he’d been so afraid of hurting her, but found he couldn’t, so he went back. Her aunts, however, forbade him from getting near her room, so he waited outside, getting news from Anna Victoria when she came to visit and hoping to catch Dutchy when she was finally discharged
Her fox … he’d only felt that animosity from his worst enemies. He knew the pain of a broken animal, how his own bear ripped him up from the inside, and he didn’t want that happening to her.
It didn’t matter that he had worked on himself all these months so he could be good enough for her. He hadn’t considered how his actions would affect her. Did he really think that he could just walk away without explanation, then stroll back into her life like nothing had changed? That time had stopped for her, and she would just be waiting in the wings until he was finished making changes to himself?
And he knew, he knew he had to fix her. It was his fault she was broken, so he had to be the one to do it. He fixed himself, so why couldn’t he do it for her?
Failure was not an option.
He had to fix her.
But he still didn’t know how he was going to go about it.
The knock on the door made him start. “Come in,” he said. Not that the person on the other side needed an invitation. After all, only one person came to visit him up here in his cabin.
“Hey,” Damon greeted as he strode in.
His former commander entering his cabin reminded him of how he’d started on this path those many months ago.
You know, forgiveness, it’s not just something another person has to ask for. Sometimes … sometimes we have to ask forgiveness of ourselves.
He would never forget those words Damon said to him after he came here to thank him for saving Anna Victoria. That—and the changes he had seen in his friend—was what set off the chain of events that led him to want to change himself, so he could function normally in society and not be trapped here.
“Krieger?”
“Yeah.” He blinked away the thousand-yard stare he knew was on his face. “What’s up, Chief?”
Damon pulled out a chair, turned it around, and straddled it to face him. “How are you holding up?”
He shrugged. “Same old, same old.”
“I came up here to check up on you … and also, to talk to Milos.”
“Milos?” He knew Damon sometimes checked in with his neighbor when Milos’s friend couldn’t come up. “Is he all right?”
“Yeah. But I wanted to give him a heads-up about Oscar. The raccoon shifter.”
Shit. “Sorry, haven’t had time to look into it, Chief.”
“No, no, I understand, Krieg. I told you to take all the time you need.”
“The raccoon hasn’t turned up yet?” It had been … fuck, over two weeks now since that night?
Damon shook his head. “’Fraid not. Then I remembered our wolf friend, so that’s why I went to see him. He says he’d be happy to keep an eye out for the raccoon and even patrol the area. God knows, you’ve earned any time off you want. Just give him a heads-up if you need to be away.”
His bear chuffed as it considered this area their territory to guard, but then again, that would give him time to figure stuff out with Dutchy. “Thanks, Chief.”
“So, Anna Victoria’s out with the girls tonight. Do you wanna come down and get a drink at The Den with me? I could use the company.”
His first instinct was to say no, but the fact that Damon was the one asking to come out to a crowded place was a big deal. “Sure thing, Chief.”
“Good, let’s go.”
The trip down from his cabin to town was a long one, but both of them sat in comfortable silence. Or perhaps, they were girding themselves for the noise and crowd they were about to face since it was a Friday night. As they entered The Den, Tim signaled to them and nodded to the private room in the back. When they got there, he was surprised that there were three other men already waiting in the lone occupied table.
“You’re here,” Gabriel Russel greeted.
“Chief. Krieger.” Daniel Rogers raised his beer to them.
“Finally.” Anders Stevens rolled his eyes.
Something about this whole thing felt like a set-up. “What’s this about?” he asked Damon, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Relax, Krieger,” Damon began. “When was the last time all of us were together? Over five years ago? Back in training?”
“Yeah, the year of hell,” Gabriel groaned.
“You’re still salty because Simpson wouldn’t let you keep your hairdryer in the barracks?” Anders said.
Daniel was in the middle of sipping from his beer when he snorted, then choked, sending a spray of liquid forward.
“Dude!” Anders jumped back.
“S-sorry!” Daniel wiped his nose with a napkin. “I was just thinking about that first hike we went on and that bat got caught in Gabriel’s hair and he had to cut two inches off of it.”
Everyone except Gabriel burst out laughing, and even Krieger couldn’t stop himself from smiling.
“Fine, be tha
t way,” Gabriel grumbled as he sipped from his glass, though the corners of his mouth tugged up.
“I thought it was time we all got together again,” Damon said. “And I think we could all use some good news.”
“Hell yeah!” Anders slammed a palm down on the table. “I’m glad you asked us to come, Chief, because you all should be the first to know—you’re now looking at a mated man.”
So, Anders finally bonded with his mate. Envy stabbed through Krieger’s chest, but he said nothing. Anders had been in a terrible state right after they rescued his mate from her kidnappers, so he was glad they worked it out.
Daniel glowered at the tiger shifter. “Oh, I already know all right. You really should put on some pants when you answer the door in my house.”
“You were cramping my style, Rogers,” Anders shot back. “Or should I start calling you ‘bro’ now? When can I move in?”
The bear shifter groaned and slapped his palm on his forehead.
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Anders laughed aloud and slapped him on the shoulder. “Besides, though your McMansion’s pretty big, it’s gonna get pretty crowded once the baby—” All of a sudden, blood drained from Anders’s face, and his arms fell down to his sides. “Fuck.”
“Anders?” Gabriel waved a hand in front of the tiger shifter’s face. “You all right?”
His jaw dropped. “I’m gonna be a dad.” He grabbed his glass and knocked back the contents. “Guys, I’m gonna be a dad!” he shouted, as if he had just realized it now.
Gabriel and Damon slapped him on the shoulders and congratulated him. Daniel stood back, looking smug as he obviously already knew.
“Congratulations,” Krieger said and offered his hand.
“Thanks, man.” Anders shook it vigorously.
There was something about Anders … a different air to him that Krieger could not quite put his finger on. In his previous encounters with the tiger shifter, there had been a simmering anger bubbling there, a chip on his shoulder that was permanently buried there. But now … he couldn’t describe it accurately, but there was an underlying peace under the tiger shifter’s boisterous demeanor. Was this what it was like to be bonded and mated? The envy twitched inside him once again.
“And really, thank you.” Anders continued. “If it wasn’t for you … I don’t even know if she would …”
“Are you crying, Stevens?” Gabriel asked incredulously.
“No!” Anders denied as he cleared his throat. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Damon sighed. “All right, all right.” His lips quirked up. “Now, that wasn’t exactly what I meant when I mentioned good news, but I’ll forgive you this time for showing me up with your news before I could share mine.” There was a twinkle in the chief’s eyes that Krieger had just noticed.
“Showing you up—” Gabriel’s eyes widened. “No. Really?”
A rare smile broke out from the chief. “Really. We’re having a baby. Anna Victoria’s out with the girls to tell them tonight.”
“Oh man!” Gabriel engulfed him in a hug. “Damon … I’m so happy for you guys!”
“Here, here.” Daniel raised his beer bottle. “Congrats, Chief.”
“Fuck yeah!” Anders clinked his glass to Daniel’s bottle, then slapped Damon on the back once Gabriel released him. “Hey, we’re gonna be dads! Let me get everyone a drink. What do you want, Daddy?” he asked Damon, then winced. “Wait, that didn’t come out the way I wanted it to.”
To his credit, Damon barked out a chuckle. “A beer would be fine.”
“And you, Krieger?”
It took him a second to answer. “Same.”
“All right.” Anders gave them a thumbs-up before he strode out to the bar.
“You okay, Krieg?” Damon asked.
“Congratulations, Chief. To both of you.” Envy twisted deeper in his chest, but he managed to swallow it like a bitter pill.
“Thanks. I’m glad you came down here so I could give everyone the news at the same time. Anna Victoria took a home pregnancy test a couple days ago and we confirmed it at the doctor’s office today.”
“When’s she due?” Gabriel asked.
“Late April.” Damon now, too, had the same look of panic Anders had earlier. “Geez. A baby. I mean … we decide to try, and she stopped taking her birth control as soon as they ran out, but … I didn’t think it would be quite this soon.”
“Hey, it’ll be fine, Damon,” Gabriel assured him. “We’re here for you.”
“Yeah, whatever you need, Chief,” Daniel added. “Right, Krieg?”
“Of course.” That, at least, he could be sure of. He would protect these men and theirs with his very last breath.
“Here you go guys,” Anders said as he came back, carrying four mugs of frothy, ice-cold beer, and handed one to each of the men around the table. “Again, congrats, Chief.”
“Same to you.” Damon grabbed one of the mugs and raised it. They all followed suit and clinked their glasses together. Damon cleared his throat. “There’s one more thing.”
Once those words were spoken, all four gazes zeroed in on Krieger. For the first time in his life, he suddenly felt like prey. “What the hell is goin’ on?” he growled. It seemed his earlier suspicion about this being a set up wasn’t unwarranted.
“Krieg,” Damon began. “It’s not what you think. Please, stand down.”
“We wanna help,” Anders continued.
“Like you’ve helped us,” Gabriel added, and Daniel concurred with a nod of his head.
“Help you?”
“Don’t think we haven’t noticed,” Gabriel said. “You’ve been watching over us these past months. You took out that asshole who nearly burned Temperance.”
“And you helped me when those anti-shifters caught me,” Daniel reminded him.
“Like I said, if you hadn’t been there, that bastard would have hurt Darcey,” Anders added.
“I wasn’t doing it for you,” he huffed.
“We know,” Anders said somberly. “You were trying to be a better man. For her, right?”
“And we understand,” Damon said. “I do, most of all. So, let us help you.”
Though he had not seen a lot of these men in the last five years, that one year of training they had all gone through together had forged a bond between them that could never be broken. Each of them had made a mark on him in their own way. Damon had been the one to bring him here, despite the state he was in. Gabriel was the first to reach out and try to befriend him even though his efforts didn’t prove fruitful. Daniel never judged him or pried too much, but rather, had been a silent source of strength and inspiration. And in Anders—the real Anders, not the one he made himself out to be—Krieger had seen a good heart, despite his inner and external struggles.
It was Damon who broke the silence. “What can we do, Krieg? To help you win your mate?”
“I … I don’t know if you can help me. If anyone can help me.” And because he trusted these men, and they trusted him back, he told them everything. “… I know. I’m the bastard who left her. I just … I didn’t know it would end up like this. If only I went to her right after I realized … and I didn’t wait—”
“Shoulda, woulda, coulda.” Gabriel shook his head. “You can’t do anything about the past. You can only decide on what you want to do now.”
“But what?” He raked his fingers through his scalp. “I’ve been racking my brains out tryin’ to find a way to fix her.”
“Hmmm.” Anders rubbed his chin with his thumb and forefinger. “What do you know about her?”
“Excuse me?”
“You know … what does she like? Dislike? Hobbies, favorite movies, stuff like that?”
“Uh … I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” Anders asked. “I thought you spent all that time alone with her?”
“Yeah, but … we didn’t do much talking.”
For the second time that night, Daniel sprayed beer
through his nose.
“Jesus, Rogers, if you can’t hold your drink …” Anders tsked, then turned to Krieger. “Sarge, you dog!” he chuckled. “I knew the rumors about you weren’t an exaggeration.”
Not wanting to go there, Krieger said, “But why are you asking me about her hobbies?” Dutchy designed clothes, that was all he knew about her.
“You gotta woo her,” Anders said. “And win her over with things she likes.”
“Like with flowers and shit?” He gnawed at his inner cheek. “I don’t think that’s gonna cut it.”
“The bond hasn’t formed yet, right?” Daniel asked.
“No.” He was at least sure of that.
“Maybe that’s the solution there,” Anders said. “Claim and bond her, then everything will work out.”
Would that really work? “But how do I do that?”
Daniel scratched his head. “Hold up. To fix her, you need to bond with her, and in order for that to happen, you both need to be open to it. To want it and each other, without any barriers.”
“But if you’re saying she won’t even let you near her,” Gabriel continued. “Then how can you even form the mating bond?”
Now he was confused. “Well, what should I do now? How did you all claim and bond with your mates?”
No one said a word, but they all looked at each other. Krieger rapped his fingers on the table impatiently until finally, Damon spoke up. “I think … I think everyone had some good ideas. But Dutchy is her own person, and there are going to be some things that might have worked for us that might not work for you.”
“I thought you were here to help me,” he snapped, then quickly added, “Sorry. I just … I don’t know what to do.”
“Hey, it’s all right man, we’ve all been there,” Gabriel placed a tentative hand on his shoulder. “And … well I can’t believe I’m saying this, but what Anders said has some merit.”
“Oh, ha ha, thanks rich boy,” Anders said sarcastically.
Gabriel shot him a glare, then turned back to Krieger. “If you don’t know her, then maybe it’s time to get to know who she is. Get to know the real her and figure out why she’s broken. You can’t fix something if you don’t know why it’s broke.”
Blackstone Ranger Guardian: Blackstone Rangers Book 5 Page 8
