“Yeah, that stupid smile on your face gives your feelings about her away. I’ve never seen you look dreamy-eyed before, but it suits you.” Chuckling, Braun tapped his finger on the neck of the bottle. “Let’s say that you didn’t tell her anything about the CNC scene, that you disappeared for a few hours tonight and did your thing, then went home. Alicia’s none the wiser, it gets archived into the great nights at Avalon file, and it’s done.”
Att grunted softly.
“Six months down the line, you and she decide to explore her fantasies a little more, take a trip to Avalon. Someone inadvertently raises the topic of CNC, and your night with Jasper and Anarchy becomes the sole focus of the conversation. Alicia works out that this night occurred in the fledgling stage of your budding relationship, and you haven’t said a word to her about it. What’s her reaction going to be?”
“She’d think I betrayed her, cheated on her. Worse, she’d think J and Archie did too.”
“Got it in one. Right now, you haven’t done anything but be truthful with her. You’ve drawn a line in the sand and shown her that honesty and communication are as important to you as she is.”
Maybe his worry over hurting her had blinded him to that angle, Atticus admitted to himself. Braun was right, he’d been proactive in maintaining his honesty creed. “That helps. Hopefully the girls will have come to that same conclusion by the time I get home.” He waggled his jaw slightly, recalling the shock of impact from Connie’s punch. “I need to tell you something that can’t go beyond these walls. I don’t doubt Connie will find out soon enough, but when she does, it needs to come from Alicia. I think it would be best if Bodie doesn’t hear about it at all, for the moment.”
“I’m an air-tight vault.”
“Abraham raped Alicia when she was fifteen.”
The silence that dropped over them was reminiscent of the quiet that fell before a bomb exploded. Braun’s fingers tightened on the bottle hard enough his knuckles turned white, and Atticus feared it would crack under the strain. Glass had no strength against fury.
“That fucker,” his friend hissed, his features hardening into a granite mask. “That man knew no fucking bounds.”
“No, he didn’t. Yesterday, I took Lisha to a friend of mine. Do you remember Julia Moss? We had a few rounds of sex, burned off some steam a while ago.”
“The doctor? Sure, I think. The name is vaguely familiar. Neurologist?”
“Neurosurgeon, top of her field. Alicia can feel sensation in her legs, Braun. Has been able to since the accident. I got Julia to run some scans, and it looks like raping his disabled daughter wasn’t Abraham’s only sin. He and the doctor who took initial care of Lisha manipulated her. There’s no damage to Alicia’s spinal cord.”
Incredulity flickered in dangerously hot blue eyes. “But if there’s no damage, then she’s not paralyzed.”
“Exactly.”
“And if she’s not paralyzed, then everything she’s been put through in the last fourteen years has been completely unnecessary.” Braun shook his head slowly, processing the information. “Why would she stay in the wheelchair if there’s nothing physically wrong with her legs?”
“Because they drugged her—at least, that’s my theory. Doctor Fielding would know which meds would have the desired effects, and Lisha’s parents were narcotics dealers. Between the three of them, the drugs, and some psychological conditioning starting at age ten…Alicia has been helpless all her life. They took advantage of a child for sex and money.”
“Took advantage? Fuck, Att, this goes well beyond that. Jesus, she was a fucking pawn.” Hands shaking with anger, Braun downed the rest of his beer. For an instant, Att thought his friend might launch the bottle against the wall, much like he had, but Braun’s control was superior to his temper. “What can I do to help? Whatever she needs, however much it costs, it’s covered.”
“I don’t know. Julia is going to call us back into her office next week, so I will know more then. At a guess, they’ll assess her, see if the drugs have done any permanent damage to her nerves. From there…physical therapy and sessions with a psychologist to try and reverse the conditioning.”
Braun groaned. “It never ends for her, does it? All right, well, you keep me updated and you let me know what she needs. Are you going to ask Connie to take Alicia on as a client if she needs a psychologist?”
“Con would snatch her up before I finished the sentence, but it might be that we need someone with experience in conditioning. At this moment in time, I’m just waiting to find out what the next steps are.”
“Is Alicia strong enough to wade through this shit?”
“No one knows that but her. Like any recovery, it takes its toll.” In his opinion, she was more than strong enough—she’d survived hell several times over, and this…the reward at the end of this was freedom from that fucking chair.
And if she wasn’t, if she floundered, he’d just drag her up and fucking haul her through it. Failure was not permitted, not with this.
“What about you?” Braun asked carefully. He twisted the bottle in his hands around, measuring Atticus’ response. The man could see through the thickest bullshit.
“Me?”
“Alicia isn’t your normal submissive, Att. By society’s standards, she’s shunned because she has physical flaws she can’t hide. That is not my opinion,” he added quickly as Atticus’ hackles rose, “and you know it isn’t. But this situation doesn’t fall under your usual area. There’re no crime scenes to clear up, no one to rescue from the jaws of death. The pressure on you is going to be a lot different than what you’re accustomed to.”
All right, fair point. A valid point, Atticus mused, with a simple answer. “She’s a human being with a physical disability. She is still a woman with needs, with desires, with dreams. Regardless of whether she gets to a point where she can ditch the wheelchair or not, she’s still a vibrant, smart, funny woman. Yeah, this situation as you call it doesn’t land in my expertise as a mercenary, but it sure as fuck falls into my skills as a Daddy.”
Braun managed a smile. “That’s why you have my blessing, Att. Nothing fazes you.”
Oh, there were many things that did. Braun and the other Masters had no idea what made him tick, or the fears that kept him awake at night—turning into his father being nightmare number one. But the façade he wore had become more of a part of him than those fears, until he met Alicia.
She made him human.
“I need to go check on sleeping beauty upstairs. She’ll be furious if she wakes up and finds out she missed you. Want to come say hello?”
“Absolutely. I’ve missed that little firecracker.”
“Trust me, not as much as she’s missing everyone.”
*
Mr. Bear was drunk.
Giggling, Alicia held her empty glass of wine to his fuzzy face, then tipped the last few drops into her own mouth. “Daddy is gonna be so mad at you, Mr. Bear. Undersaged bears are not allowed alchmohol. Maybe we’ll get ‘nother shpanking.”
“Let me take that.” Connie plucked the glass from her hand before it dropped onto the games room floor. “You’re a real lightweight, sweetie.”
“I had a whole glass of grape juice!”
“No, Lisha, you had a quarter of a glass, and now you’re sloshed, I’ll be the one getting a spanking. Thane, can you see if there’s anything she can eat to soak up some of the wine?”
Eyes wide, Alicia turned her head toward the tall, dark, limping man Connie had introduced as Thane. He was one yummy guy, but he couldn’t hold a candle to her Daddy. Atticus was the candle and the flame, and he did funny things to her insides when he called her princess. “Shnacks?”
“Jesus, Connie, she’s three sheets to the wind.” Thane smiled at her. “Aren’t you, sweetheart?”
Alicia blushed and gave him a little wave, then her attention dropped onto the remote in her lap. The cartoon characters on the big screen wavered; she blinked her vision clear and pulled up
the channel menu. The plastic box felt clumsy in her fingers.
Or were her fingers clumsy in the plastic box?
Laughing quietly to herself, she offered the remote to Mr. Bear, but he declined to pick something to watch. “Oooh, can we watch the porn?”
“No!” Two resounding shouts replied simultaneously.
“Aw.”
“Change of plan. Thane, you get the remote and keep it out of her reach. Getting her tipsy is one thing, letting her watch porn is a criminal offense.” Connie ran her fingers lightly over Alicia’s scalp, making her giggle. “I’ll go make her a sandwich. Bread will soak up the wine, then if we give her some ibuprofen, a glass of water, and put her down for a nap, maybe she won’t wake up with a headache.”
“He’ll know,” Thane replied ominously.
“It’s Atticus. Of course, he’ll freaking know.”
“I like this plan. Go for it.”
How sweet, Alicia thought, watching her friends kiss like they never wanted to be apart. Her head cocked as she studied their form, noting the way Thane’s hand supported Connie’s head as he tipped it back, and how Connie’s arms came around her man.
It wasn’t the longest kiss, but it was emotive.
It made her long for her Daddy, until she reminded herself he was going to be otherwise engaged that night, being intimate with another woman and her guy. Three of them, she thought with a shudder. All that pain, and for what?
She rubbed her cheek against Mr. Bear as the couple broke apart and Connie hurried out of the room. Thane watched her leave, love—or what she thought must be an expression of love—softening his face.
That would never be hers.
“Okay, sweetheart, why don’t we see if there’s something on with less nudity than porn?” He limped across to her, crouching beside her and plucking the remote from her weak grasp. “Atticus might get real mad if he comes home and finds people copulating on his screen.”
“Have you ever been in a ‘chair?” she asked bluntly.
“A wheelchair? A time or two.” Pain flashed through his eyes as he stood and shifted to sit on the couch next to her. “I was on crutches mainly, which were a bigger pain in the ass than the wheelchair.”
“Do you think Connie would still love you if you lived in one?”
His dark eyebrows lifted in surprise, but he didn’t try and change the subject. “Well, I guess that’s a question you need to ask her, Lisha. I hope so, because she’s my entire world. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her, and I think she’d say the same. A wheelchair doesn’t make the person in it any less of a person.”
Some of the warmth of the wine faded. “What about if she was in my position?”
“Alicia, there is nothing that could stop me from loving that woman with my entire being. I waited my whole life—almost fifty years—to find the woman who made me feel like this. She could tell me she’s an alien wearing a human skin, intent on destroying the planet and enslaving mankind, and I’d probably help her do it.”
That made her smile. “Really?”
“One hundred percent. What’s got you thinking along these lines?”
She shrugged, feeling a little sick. “Sex.”
“Hmm, sex is good. It doesn’t always equate with love.” Thane reached out and set his hand on her arm. “You’re upset about Atticus meeting with Anarchy and Jasper later?”
Lip trembling, she ducked her face into her teddy. Atticus’s scent filled her head, almost making her cry. “I know I’m not enough for him, but it hurts that he’s going to go be with someone else.”
“Fuck. He’s gonna kick my ass for this,” he muttered. “Can I tell you a secret, sweetheart? Absolutely top secret, and if your Daddy finds out I told you, I’m going to need you to protect me, okay?” He gave her a wink.
“I’m good with secrets,” she mumbled.
“Me too, usually. Atticus cancelled the scene, Alicia. Some things are more precious in life than sex, and you’re one of them in his eyes.” Thane’s amber eyes were warm and sincere. From the moment they’d landed on her, she’d forgotten to be scared of a stranger—she’d been too fascinated by the similarities he bore to Atticus, in a softer fashion. “Don’t stress yourself out over it. That’s what your Daddy’s for.”
Alicia stifled a yawn, frowning as tiredness sneaked up on her like a mouse. She was still cruising along on the wine, although the silliness had burned off and left her mellow. If she hadn’t gotten overwhelmed with the tampon talk, she never would have touched the stuff—Diane had been a lush, preferring wine over anything harder, but anything alcoholic would do in a pinch.
Abraham had liked gut-rotting whiskey with his smokes, and it had made him ten times meaner.
“He’s not my Daddy,” she replied automatically, even though her brain insisted that yes, he actually was. Hadn’t she called him Daddy several times in her thoughts? Brain Daddy equaled real Daddy. She sobered quickly, feeling the jagged shard of pain spear her between the ribs. “We kissed goodbye to trust when he arranged to fuck another woman.”
“That’s a shame,” came the nonchalant response. He shot her a curious glance as he piloted the remote, flipping down though the menu on screen. “I guess you won’t mind if Connie asks him to be her part-time Daddy then? She can be a brat when she’s submissive, but I’m not much of a Daddy myself. Atticus is a lot more—”
Alicia wrenched her arm from under his hand and glared fiercely enough to set his perfect hair on fire. The noise she made was half-growl, half-whine. “No!”
Thane leaned back and smirked, crossing his legs at the knee. The asshole looked incredibly pleased with himself, and Alicia cursed herself for falling into the dumbest trap in the world. “No? Are you sure?”
She saw the trap, she recognized it as a trap, yet she still stepped on the trigger plate like an idiot. “Connie can’t have him. She already has you, she’s not allowed two!”
He chose a channel, then tossed the remote aside and shifted to face her fully. His big hands—not as big as the ones she was used to—rested lightly on top of hers, reassuring her with the knowledge she could pull free at any time. “Your trust is bruised, Alicia, not broken. You can fix it between you if that’s what you wish.”
“Maybe he just knows no one else wants me.”
“Bullshit. Keep with that line of thinking, Alicia, and I’ll spank you myself. One bad habit Dominants won’t tolerate is a sub, little or otherwise, putting themselves down.” He squeezed her hands firmly, ensuring her attention was on him. “A man like Atticus goes out of his way to help people; it’s his nature. He doesn’t stake a claim on a woman unless he means it.”
She couldn’t cope with any more of this, she thought sadly. Sure, it gave her a sense of relief to hear that Atticus wouldn’t be banging women around the block that night, but way down deep inside, the wounds he’d sliced in her wept blood.
“I think I’d like to go for a nap now,” she said abruptly, effectively ending the conversation before she came apart at the seams. It was inevitable. “I don’t feel very well.” She tucked Mr. Bear down the side of her thigh, pinning him securely in place, then gripped the hand rims. “Thank you for being here this afternoon, Thane. It was nice to meet you.”
“Don’t give up on him, Alicia. He’s in it for the long haul.” Thane gave her a sympathetic smile. “Go take your nap and sleep off the wine.” When she hesitated, his head tilted. “Want someone to tuck you in, sweetheart?”
She shook her head, keenly missing the long locks of her hair. Once, she could hide behind them, use them as a shield. Curtains she could peek from behind to make sure the coast was clear, the monsters gone. Elliot had stolen that from her, among other things.
Sniffling quietly, Alicia pushed herself carefully between the pieces of furniture toward the doorway. Maybe she’d feel like a new person after a quick nap. A different, better one than she was now. She might wake and discover the world had become a magically wonderful place where the lowe
st of the low actually had something to strive toward.
She met Connie at the threshold. Her friend carried a tray, and Alicia’s stomach rumbled at the smell of grilled cheese. Gray eyes perused her face, darkening with displeasure at whatever she saw. “Everything okay, sweetie?”
The sweetly innocent part of her crawled away into the dark, unwilling to play anymore. She was too tired, too emotionally fraught, to enjoy that side of herself. Instead, she forced a strained smile. “It’s been a long day. I’m going to lie down for a while, try and get some sleep. I had a fun time,” she added, meaning it. “I missed you, Connie.”
“I’ll take this to your room for you. Thane, I’ll be there in a minute,” she called out, then turned around and backtracked towards Alicia’s bedroom, with Alicia rolling along slowly on her heels. “I found the ibuprofen, so take a couple once you’ve eaten. They’ll help with any after-effects of the wine, and keep those cramps at bay. You remember what I told you about the tampons?”
Lisha shuddered. She didn’t need any reminders about the small invader sitting, taking up residence inside her—she could only hope the removal process was more pleasant than she was imagining. “Change them every few hours otherwise I could get sick and die.”
“Very good. Toxic shock syndrome is nothing to get complacent about, Alicia. It’s a killer.” Radiating confidence the way Alicia remembered, Connie disappeared into the bedroom.
She maneuvered herself through the doorway, but instead of pushing herself over to the bed, she detoured into the bathroom for a moment alone. She peed and washed her hands, gave brief consideration to throwing up while she was in the toilet’s facility, then simply splashed cold water over her face.
It wouldn’t clean the weariness from her pores, but it did make her feel more awake.
When she returned to the bedroom, Connie had pulled back the covers and drawn the blinds against the late afternoon sun. Only the faintest lines of sunlight passed through.
It took longer than it should have to situate the wheelchair beside the bed and transfer herself onto the cool sheets. Connie’s help was gratefully received, and in just a few minutes, Alicia was leaning back against the pillows, with a grilled cheese sandwich in her hand.
Walk For Me: Club Avalon Book 4 Page 23
