by John Lithgow
Copyright © 2019 by John Lithgow.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
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Illustrations by John Lithgow.
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“I know words. I have the best words. But there’s no better word than stupid. Right?”
DUMPTY, DECEMBER 30, 2015
CONTENTS
Introduction
Trumpty Dumpty
The President’s Pageant
An Ex–Lieutenant General
My Favorite Lies
Dancing with the Star
Scaramouche
Rub-a-Dub-Dub
The Gentlemen of the Defense
The Little Man Who’s Not All There
Reeb-a-Deep-Deep
Trumpty Dumpty: Part 2
All at Sea
Sic Transit
My Lucky Day: August 21, 2018
The Ostrich’s Lament
You Are Old, Father Wilbur
Kavanaughty
The Mortification of Elliott Broidy
The Walrus and the Kleptocrat
Jared and Mohammed
A Liberal’s Complaint
Seven Days in November
Trumpty Dumpty: Part 3
The Moscow Circus
Individual One
Acosta Agonistes
Hentsy Pentsy
Another Owl, Another Pussycat
The Four Horsemen of Foxpolitics
Trumpty Dumpty: Part 4
To a Rat
Rank-a-Dank-Dank
Afterword
About the Author
INTRODUCTION
I always knew I’d be preaching to the choir. Slap the title DUMPTY on a book of political humor and your bias is glaringly obvious. From the beginning I have intended these verses for people who oppose our current president, hoping to briefly yank them out of their chronic depression at his persistent grip on executive power.
But I’m a professional actor as well as an amateur satirist. When I act, I never restrict myself to preaching to the choir. I want to please everybody. I try to make audiences laugh, cry, or scream and to occasionally make them think. I’m an equal opportunity entertainer: if I’m onstage and you’re out front, I’m your man.
Alas, with political humor, pleasing everybody is impossible. Show your bias and you’re guaranteed to piss off half the crowd. So as an introduction to my first book of political satire, let me briefly turn away from the choir and address myself to all you Friends of Dumpty out there. You FODs may have already judged my book by its cover and refused to even open it, but if you’re reading these words, read on: I’m talking to you.
My dear fellow citizens,
Though I myself can’t fathom it, I acknowledge your sincere devotion to Dumpty, that strange, splenetic man. I see you on TV, laughing, cheering, and chanting at his rallies. You stand in line beforehand for hours on end, primed for the time of your lives. In your eyes, Dumpty’s bullying is courage, his bigotry is patriotism, his vulgarity is authenticity, his cruelty is unbridled fun. Your support for him springs from sheer infatuation, and like most infatuations, it’s incomprehensible to everyone else. It’s certainly incomprehensible to me.
But let me ask you a few questions, and promise that you’ll answer truthfully:
Given that Dumpty is such a crude, paranoid, petulant, cowardly, vicious liar, con man, and crook, would you want to work in an office where he was in charge? Would you want to join his downtrodden White House staff or the weird cast of characters in his cabinet? Would you want him to invest your life savings for you? Would you want to sit next to him at a dinner party, picnic, or sporting event? Would you want to carpool or (God forbid!) drive cross-country with him? Would you hire him to babysit your toddler or fix him up with your best friend’s daughter? Would you ask him to speak at your own memorial service?
If you answer no to all of these questions (and how could you not?) then why in the world would you entrust your country’s future and the future of this fragile planet to him? Pause for a moment and contemplate your own contradictory leanings.
Crazy, right?
Now. Hopefully I’ve jostled your state of mind just enough for you to take a peek at my poems. Don’t worry: if you honestly think that my politics stink and I flout your redoubtable strictures, then kick off your shoes, mix your favorite drink, screw the words, and just look at the pictures.
JL, June 9, 2019
TRUMPTY DUMPTY
Trumpty Dumpty wanted a wall
To stir up a rabid political brawl.
His Republican rivals, both feckless and stodgy,
Succumbed in the end to his rank demagogy.
Dumpty’s wall made no earthly sense,
A boondoggle built at enormous expense.
But he promised, in speeches despotic and shrill,
He’d make certain that Mexico footed the bill.
Trumpty Dumpty kept insisting.
More and more citizens started resisting.
Sadly, there won’t be an end to this tale,
At least until reasonable people prevail.
In January 2017 , DONALD J. TRUMP became the 45th president of the United States .
THE PRESIDENT’S PAGEANT
In his oval-shaped snuggery, Dumpty reclined
On a break from Fake News and sharp censure.
He had waited all day for a chance to unwind
By recalling his flashiest venture:
An evening in Russia, 2013,
That he’d scarcely dared even imagine.
Each nation had chosen its own beauty queen
For his Moscow Miss Universe Pageant.
Dumpty’s grandest pet project had come to fruition,
His gaudiest spectacle yet.
And those hookers displaying their bold micturition,
Was something he’d never forget.
“I’ve got it!” cried Dumpty while bolting upright.
“A reprise of my old avocation!
A President’s Pageant held right here on site!
And the East Room’s the perfect location!
“Miss Universe? No! Not this time around.
I’m done with Macron, May, and Merkel.
America First! One of ours will be crowned!
And perhaps from my own inner circle.
“For starters, Ivanka’s superior air
Can’t obscure her demure sensuality.
And Tiffany, too (though she hasn’t a prayer),
Is a lock for Miss Congeniality.
“Picture Hicks in the spotlight! A radiant vision!
That body, that hair, and those eyes.
And Hope would mop up in the Talent Division
With her skill at inventing white lies.
“Louise Linton, Mnuchin’s voluptuous bride,
Would love to compete with this set.
She’d appear like an empr
ess, with Steve at her side,
Flown in on a Treasury jet.
“Omarosa’s a looker who’d light up the stage
With diversity, danger, and sass.
She would hopefully deal with her issues of rage
Once we’ve reactivated her pass.
“By rights, Kirstjen Nielsen should join the parade.
She’s blonde, statuesque, and beguiling.
But the toll of the cold-blooded role she has played
Tends to prevent her from smiling.
“Kellyanne comes to mind as another suggestion,
Though not in the interview portions,
For she’d bulldoze her judge in the midst of a question,
With alternative facts and distortions.
“Two contestants at last would stride onto the green
To a fanfare performed on a bugle.
Their fame is gigantic (though not squeaky clean):
Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal.
“One would certainly win, one would take second place,
With the others all clustering around them.
But in spite of her usual coolness and grace,
The first lady’s unlikely to crown them.”
Dumpty savored this fantasy, sighing out loud
As the fire flickered out in the grate.
The dazzling beauties and sparkling crowd
Had eclipsed all the burdens of state.
He banished all thoughts of the Washington scene,
Of his poll numbers rapidly falling.
Of Manafort, Cohen, of Rod Rosenstein,
Of the deafening roar of the Mueller machine.
In producing a pageant and picking a queen,
He had finally found his true calling.
Donald Trump produced the 62nd Miss Universe pageant in Moscow in November 2013, the same time the salacious “golden shower” incident involving Trump allegedly took place at a Moscow hotel .
HOPE HICKS was the White House communications director from August 2017 to March 2018 . OMAROSA MANIGAULT NEWMAN is a former political aide to President Donald Trump .
KIRSTJEN NIELSEN , appointed U.S. secretary of homeland security in December 2017, is known for enacting the family separation policy along the Mexican border. After Corey Lewandowski and Paul Manafort left Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign , KELLYANNE CONWAY became campaign manager, and later, in 2017, presidential counselor .
The American pornographic actress, stripper, and director STEPHANIE CLIFFORD , known professionally as Stormy Daniels, alleged she had an affair with Trump in 2006 and was paid by Michael Cohen, Trump’s former lawyer, to keep quiet ahead of the 2016 election. Former Playboy model KAREN MCDOUGAL allegedly had a nine-month affair with Trump .
AN EX–LIEUTENANT GENERAL
(AFTER GILBERT AND SULLIVAN)
I am the very model of an ex-lieutenant general.
Although my reputation is decidedly ephemeral.
In spite of all my service in remote Afghani-stin afore;
No officer has screwed the pooch as much as Michael Flynn-afore.
When President Obama made me head of all things clandestine,
He realized he’d brought to life a governmental Frankenstein.
But then I made a killing in a case of public pillory
By shouting “Lock her up!” in my harangue opposing Hillary.
So Dumpty made me National Security Advisor-y
Until I let the crafty Russian secret service hire me.
Then I became the target of a Special Counsel crime report,
A fate I shared with Cohen, Donald Jr., and with Manafort.
I plead the Fifth Amendment when the arbiters of law attack
My meeting Jared Kushner in a room with Sergey Kislyak.
Although my reputation is decidedly ephemeral,
I am the very model of an ex-lieutenant general.
MICHAEL FLYNN is a retired U.S. Army lieutenant general. He served as Donald Trump’s national security advisor from January 2017 until he was dismissed in February 2017. In December of that year, he pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI .
MY FAVORITE LIES
(AFTER RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN)
Muslim festivities on 9/11,
Barring the Russians has screwed the G7,
China makes none of my cheap merchandise:
These are a few of my favorite lies.
Records were smashed at my inauguration,
I nailed Korean denuclearization,
I’ll be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize:
These are a few of my favorite lies.
I, only I, am the working man’s savior,
Knew not a word of Mike Flynn’s misbehavior,
Comey infested my campaign with spies:
These are a few of my favorite lies.
When The Times bites,
When The Post stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite lies
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Collusion with Putin’s a Fake News aspersion,
Tahoe was merely a golfing excursion,
Justice was served with those Central Park guys:
These are a few of my favorite lies.
Anarchy reigns on the streets of Chicago,
No taint of corruption befouls Mar-a-Lago,
Earth is unharmed when the temperatures rise:
These are a few of my favorite lies.
Hillary once had a fling with Osama,
A stork from Nairobi delivered Obama,
Things are improved when democracy dies:
These are a few of my favorite lies.
When the Law bites,
When the Truth stings,
When I’m feeling blue,
I simply remember my favorite lies
Then I can con all
Of
You.
Among many of Donald Trump’s “alternative facts” documented by the media, Trump claimed to have had record-breaking crowds on the National Mall during his inauguration, despite photographic evidence to the contrary. During one of his rallies in 2015, Trump claimed that thousands of New Jersey Muslims celebrated the 9/11 attacks; there is no evidence to support this allegation. While President Trump advocated for the importance of “made in America” goods, many Trump-branded products are manufactured in countries like China, Indonesia, and Turkey .
DANCING WITH THE STAR
“Please, Mr. President, keep to the point,”
Said the POTUS’s weary advisor.
“We’ve been waiting for weeks on your cabinet picks
And no one is any the wiser.”
“Winning was fun,” Dumpty said with a scowl
As he muted the sound on Fox News.
“But if I had known how much work this would be,
I’d have probably chosen to lose.”
The aide drummed his fingers and knitted his brow.
“Throw out some ideas,” he said.
“Just picture, for starters, the person you’d like
As Department of Energy head.”
“Rick Perry!” cried Dumpty. “I saw him last week!
Dancing cha-cha on network TV!
He’s tremendous! And frankly a beautiful choice
For livening up D of E!”
“Him?” gasped the aide. “But didn’t he claim
That he’d have the department disbanded?
He’d be like an admiral plotting to sink
Every ship in the fleet he commanded.”
“Tremendous!” said POTUS. “A beautiful scheme
For cutting out waste and expense!
We’ll use it to fill all the cabinet chairs!
(Though perhaps not the one for Defense).”
“But sir,” the aide stammered, “the press would go ape.
The announcement would spark pandemonium!
The department’s in charge of our missiles and subs,
Of ou
r nukes and our stolen plutonium.”
“Well, sure,” Dumpty grumbled. “Rick’s not quite equipped
With a nuclear physicist’s brain.
But you’re looking for Energy? Check out his moves!
He struts like a rutting Great Dane!”
“I’m afraid,” said the aide, “there’s too much information
That Perry can’t possibly know.
And besides, your opinion is based on his stint
On a cheesy reality show.”
“Screw it!” barked Dumpty. “I’ve made up my mind!
Your help is no longer required.
I got where I am on account of TV.
Reality series are my pedigree.
When you shit on Rick Perry, you’re shitting on me!
We’re done here! I’ve had it! YOU’RE FIRED !!”
Former Texas governor JAMES RICHARD “RICK” PERRY was eliminated from ABC’s Dancing with the Stars in September 2016. While campaigning for president in 2012, he promised to abolish the Department of Energy. In December 2016, President Trump made Perry the fourteenth U.S. secretary of energy .
SCARAMOUCHE
The Italians created a classic buffoon
Who was cowardly, boastful, and louche,
A scoundrel whom everyone else would lampoon:
That slippery scamp Scaramouche !
In this day and age, should this rascal appear
With his posture both craven and brash,
He would probably choose the political sphere
After piling up mountains of cash.
The White House might possibly find him a place,
Making use of his tart turn of phrase.
But alas, Scaramouche would then fall on his face
After only eleven short days.
For he’d shock us with language beyond indiscreet
Like a sailor or potty-mouthed jock.
For example, he’d boast of the unlikely feat
Of “not trying to suck my own cock.”
Scaramouche would depart to perfunctory applause,
An absurd tragicomic creation,
Recalled, if at all, for his colorful flaws
’Til he mugs for the next generation.
In fact, he was here! We all caught his act!
All that cocky and crass hootchy-kootchy.
His creaky old antics are all still intact:
For Scaramouche, we’ve had Scaramucci!
ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI is a financier and entrepreneur. He served as Donald Trump’s White House communications director for eleven days, before Trump fired him on July 31, 2017 .
RUB-A-DUB-DUB
(AFTER MOTHER GOOSE)
Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub,
