Hell Becomes Her (The Midlife Goddess, #3)

by Tee, Marian

  If Mira ever got wind of this, I'm sure she'd think I was being too approachable. I supposed we simply had to agree to disagree on this matter, especially with how sweet everyone was being. Apparently, all of them had seen today's news, and they wanted me to know they found my reaction completely understandable.

  Zeus is not acting himself, a skeleton with an old-woman's-voice said comfortingly. Why would anyone not be scared?

  And honestly, I was tempted at first to simply let it go at that, but instead I eventually heard myself say, "Underworld Times had it wrong, though. It wasn't like that at all." Because at that moment, I realized I hadn't anything to lie about, and more importantly, I mustn't lie at all.

  "I fainted that day because I have menopause." My voice became rather awkward in the wake of their sudden silence, but I forced myself to go on. "It's a side effect of the deification process, and the god of medicine has advised me to prepare for the worst kind of symptoms."

  "But..." A female skeleton shook her skull in confusion. "Aren't you too young to have menopause?"

  "I thought so, too," I admitted, "but sometimes life just works that way."

  "What other symptoms have you experienced, milady?"

  "Anxiety attacks, hot flashes, and I was warned about possible memory problems...but...oh...sorry...who are you again?"

  The crowd laughed, and I found myself laughing with them even as a part of me reeled at how surreal things had turned out.

  Not so long ago, I was terrified of having people find out I had the Big M, thinking that my condition would only create more barriers between me and Hadrian's subjects. But instead it turned out to be the key to making them see for who I really was: a work-in-progress goddess, and one who would rather be approachable than infallible.

  The impromptu meet-and-greet with a side of Q&A went on for fifteen more minutes, but after that I had to make my excuses or risk being late for my rendezvous with a certain Greek god.

  As I hurried to our meeting place, I couldn't help humming Destiny's Child's Survivor under my breath. I had always thought I'd one day find myself in the league of Tay-Tay and Bey, and I was right! Wait until Hadrian—-

  Aaaaah!

  As soon as I stepped inside the canal house, a hand covered my mouth from behind, and my surroundings turned into a blur as I felt myself whisked up the stairs by my unseen assailant.

  Another moment, and I found myself in a room completely bare of furniture as the hand covering my mouth loosened. I prepared to knee my assailant in the balls, but a shadow fell over me—-

  I stumbled back in shock when I realized who my assailant was.

  "You."

  I threw myself into Hadrian's arms, eyes squeezing shut so I could savor, even for a moment, how seriously good it felt to see and feel him. And after that, the words just came rushing out—-

  "Are you okay? You're not hurt?"

  We actually ended up asking each other the same questions, albeit in different tones, with Hadrian's voice edged with tension while mine was worried and shaken.

  His arms loosened just as I made a move to step back, and I felt his gaze swiftly and thoroughly check over my body.

  "You're truly fine?" he demanded.

  I nodded. "And you? You're not hurt anywhere?"

  Hadrian shook his head. "We haven't had any trouble from Zeus' thunderbolts as expected, but I'd rather be prepared all the same."

  "How are things on the surface?" I asked anxiously.

  "Hypnos, the god of sleep, finally managed to knock him out with one of his potions, but it's unlikely to last. Let's just hope someone finds a cure before he wakes up."

  "Or a vaccine like..." I was supposed to say SR-41 but when I saw Hadrian's gaze narrow, I could've bitten my tongue off.

  Me and my big mouth...

  A stern expression hardened Hadrian's features, and I couldn't help squirming. "I can explain," I said weakly.

  "I'm all ears, milady," he said politely, "and please do not leave anything out."

  Five thousand words later, and I was still squirming while Hadrian looked even sterner. "Whatever happened to your promise of keeping yourself out of trouble?"

  "Uh...menopause?"

  "Did it not occur to you to at least speak to me first about your quest before taking off?"

  "Menopause?"

  "And when you realized that Mira had chosen a Gorgon to be your companion, did this not seem even the slightest bit dangerous?"

  "Still menopause."

  Hadrian took a deep breath.

  I held my breath.

  And when he finally looked at me—-

  The sternness was gone, and instead he simply looked resigned and exasperated.

  Yes! We're back to normal!

  "Is that your equivalent to the Fifth, milady?"

  Since he still sounded a little serious, I answered just as seriously. "Tis a universal truth in life—-"

  Hadrian rolled his eyes, but I ignored this.

  "No man has ever the right to upset...a woman with the Big M." I looked at him hopefully. "Right?"

  But this time, it was Hadrian who pretended not to hear anything. Smart man. If he had said yes, we both knew I'd totally use that to my advantage and be on menopause forever.

  "Did the Gorgon try hurting you in any way?" Hadrian asked rather abruptly, and I could only blink and shake my head, taken aback by the anger in his gaze.

  "I was scared of her at first," I admitted. "I mean, who wouldn't? But in the end, I think we've gotten along quite well, actually. Although she'll probably deny that. And I think she likes me, but she's probably going to deny that, too."

  Hadrian was staring at me with a frown.

  "What?"

  "You sound as if you're fond of her."

  "Are you trying to trip me up?" I asked suspiciously.

  "You can't trust her, Saoirse."

  I frowned back at him. "It's not like you to judge a person by her hair. Just because she literally has snakes on her head doesn't mean she's also a snake. She—-"

  "—-was responsible for the death of at least two thousand men in her time," Hadrian interrupted, "back when she was living on the surface."

  "Ha!" He had to be joking. "Yeah right." Any moment now, he'd tell me he was joking.

  But Hadrian only gazed at me rather stonily. "Two thousand men, Saoirse."

  "Maybe they were all bad men?" I asked weakly.

  "Priests, reverends, monks, imams, and even an altar boy. Do those sound like bad men?"

  I looked at him helplessly.

  "She's a notorious misandrist, and even more notorious for worshipping the ground Mira walks on," Hadrian said curtly. "Would do anything my cousin asks her—-" He suddenly stopped speaking, his head sharply turning towards the door.

  I couldn't blame him.

  I heard it, too.

  Someone slithering up—-

  And then it was our door creaking open—-

  Sssshit.

  I mean, shit.

  A cold and mean-looking Ssssusssan now stood before us, and as her gaze slowly turned to the Lord of the Underworld, I saw her lips open.

  "Watch out for her tongue!"

  But nothing happened.

  Instead, the Gorgon simply spoke.

  Huh.

  In Greek.

  Because...Like mistress, like servant.

  To which Hadrian answered, also in Greek, and just like that, they were no longer at each other's throats. You could literally feel the violent tension inside of the room disappear in an instant, and I could only look at Hadrian and the Gorgon—-

  "What just happened?" I blurted out.

  If you were not ssstupid, you would know.

  And my boyfriend actually cracked a smile.

  The Lord of the Underworld only smiled at my jokes.

  Never anyone else's.

  So this could only mean one thing.

  "Is Susan your ex?" I demanded accusingly. "She is, isn't she? And you only made up all those s
tories about her so I'd never want to speak to her again, and then your secret about your secret affair will always be safe—-mmph."

  Hadrian had pulled me close and covered my mouth with a long, deep kiss. I tried struggling at first, but Hadrian only deepened the kiss in response, his tongue pushing in, and...I was lost. And easy. So much so that by the time he lifted his head, I cried out in protest and pulled his head back down for another kiss.

  He chuckled against my lips before indulging my silent plea.

  The Gorgon started making retching sounds, but we both ignored her.

  When Hadrian lifted his head again, I tried to protest once more, but this time he only shook his head. "I have to go, love."

  "You can't," I said quickly. "You...you...you need to stay here to protect me."

  "Actually..." His lips twitched. "I think you've never been safer."

  My jaw dropped. "So all of that earlier...you really were lying?"

  "No."

  "Then—-"

  "In fact, I'd go as far as saying she's even more evil now."

  The Gorgon was a fanatic who killed men for fun...and Hadrian thought it was safe to leave me in her company?

  My head just started hurting when I tried making sense of it, but before I could ask Hadrian to do another ELI5, he had already kissed me goodbye, and I was left sighing in his wake.

  "I'm kinda missing him already."

  Disgusting.

  "I just love him so much. He's so—-"

  The Gorgon's tongue snapped out towards me, and I jumped back with a yelp.

  Get moving, sssstupid. Or are you sssso ssstupid you forgot we had a thief to catch?

  Chapter Nine

  Little Iron sprang energetically into flight as soon as he took in another drop of my blood, wings flapping so fast I soon found myself in a mad dash just to keep up. I took a peek at Ssssusssan and felt rather disgruntled that she didn't seem out of breath.

  It's probably the air, I tried comforting myself. Underworld's air might be so hot it could burn the flesh off your bones, but it was pure and clean. Zero pollution, and so it figured residents like the Gorgon had stronger lungs while my poor lungs, weakened daily by smog, felt like it could burst at any moment.

  We are here.

  I nearly wept in relief at hearing the Gorgon's words, not because I was unfit or unhealthy. I was just very, um, excited to get to our next clue and catch our thief.

  Little Iron dove back into the pocket of my dress while I lifted my head to see where the partridge had taken us. A red-and-black tent had been erected on a grassy field, and flashing on top of it was a hologram of a woman dressed in a colorful robe and holding a shimmering crystal ball in her hand.

  I turned to the Gorgon, incredulous. "Is this for real?"

  Those are the colors of the Oracle of Tyche, ssso yes. It is...for real.

  The Gorgon hissed the last words out like they tasted foul on her tongue, and I almost rolled my eyes until I remembered what Hadrian said about Sssusssan.

  "Thank you for the clarification," I said instead. I'm sure Hadrian had his reasons for thinking I'm safe with Sssusssan, but I'd rather not take my chances. One wrong word could trigger her next murder spree, and guess who was comfortably within reach to serve as her first victim?

  Can you read that?

  Ssssusssan pointed at the Greek characters that were now swirling inside the hologram crystal ball.

  It's in Greek, duh, I almost retorted, but then I remembered - thousands dead, and just one snake-haired woman to blame.

  So I opted for the high road once again. "No, I do not."

  It sssays they are closed for lunch.

  I usually hadn't any problems with L-words, but that one hurt. Empty-stomach-suddenly-hurting-and-growling kind of hurt, and when the Gorgon grimaced at this rather uncouth expression of hunger, I said defensively, "It's been hours since I last ate!"

  And that was how we ended up in a nearby cafe, with the Gorgon sipping tea while I demolished the local meat dish she recommended. "This tastes so good," I gushed. "What is it exactly?"

  Cccentaur.

  I almost threw up.

  I was joking, ssstupid. That's just sssteak, with ssspecial Underworld spices.

  "If I find out you're lying, I swear to G—-" I almost said 'God', caught myself in time, and said instead, "I swear to Gaea, I'm going to..." My voice trailed off. What could I say that would scare a Gorgon like Sssusssan?

  I ssswear it by the river Ssstyx.

  Since that was the equivalent of having her words notarized, I relaxed in my seat, relieved that I didn't have to make up some lame-ass threat to a Gorgon who could probably drain my blood with a single hiss. And honestly, this steak was to die for.

  What do you know about Gaea?

  "Nothing much," I answered after chewing another slice of steak. "I didn't even know she and her boyfriend were living here until Hadrian mentioned it." I was about to feed myself a spoonful of mashed potato when a question occurred to me. "Do you know anything about them?"

  What do you want to know?

  "Anything," I answered eagerly. "Why they came to live here, who's their favorite Kardashian...anything."

  I heard that their powers proved terribly destructive on the sssurface. Too much ssso that they decided the risk was not worth it. Sssso they moved here, where their powers have less impact.

  Since Cronos was the god of time, did that mean time worked differently here? And what about Gaea, the earth goddess? How were her powers affected now that she was in the Underworld?

  I heard you with Hades' sssubjects earlier.

  The Gorgon's words startled me out of my thoughts. "I didn't notice you." I stabbed the last slice of steak with my fork and popped the morsel of meat into my mouth.

  You did not have to reveal your weakness to them, but you did. Was it to gain sssympathy?

  I was staring rather morosely at my empty plate, trying to convince myself I wasn't still hungry, when the last of Sssusssan's words sank in. And this time, I really did roll my eyes at her. "Of course you'd think that."

  Ssstupid people can also be ssshrewd at times.

  "Sorry to disappoint," I said wryly, "but I wasn't able to think that far. I just didn't think it would set a good example to be scared and ashamed for something that's entirely natural."

  You are ssstrange.

  Coming from her, that almost kinda sounded like a compliment, but since I wasn't as stupid as the Gorgon liked to think, I only shrugged and acted like it was just another insult.

  On our walk back to the fortune teller's hut, I asked Sssusssan why our missing thief would risk wasting time and getting caught, just to have his or her fortune read.

  I cannot think of any sssane reason either. The thief must be as ssstupid as you are.

  "Very funny." We had reached the fortune teller's hut by now, but when I glanced up, I was surprised to see the same Greek characters still flashing green.

  Sssomething is wrong.

  "You betcha." I shook my head disapprovingly. It was already half-past three, and they were still closed for lunch? How in Hell did they manage to stay in business like this?

  No priestess would close her doors for this long.

  The Gorgon's rather dark tone sobered me up. We had to find out why the thief came here, but to burst into the hut without a plan...

  An idea occurred to me then, and I said rather excitedly, "Little Iron."

  The Gorgon, bless her reptilian heart, understood right away.

  It is worth a try. The inventions of Perdix are always more than what they ssseeem.

  I took the partridge out of my pocket, and it was still a magical treat to see the iron bird slowly come into life, eyes drifting open as if waking from a sleep of heavy metal (pun intended).

  I brought my other hand close to its beak, and Little Iron nipped my middle finger open to feed itself. "Good boy," I whispered. "And now, if you don't mind doing us a little favor...can you check inside and see wheth
er it's safe for us to enter?"

  The partridge actually bobbed its head in answer just before taking off, and I turned to the Gorgon in amazement. "Did you see that?" Like seriously, I think I had the world's best pet ever, never mind if it also happened to be a bloodsucker.

  I once heard Perdix say that while it is blood that gives these creatures life, it is the owner's care that ssshall teach them what it means to truly live.

  "I think that's true—-"

  How very predictably, sssentimentally ssstupid of you.

  "You might think it's stupid," I argued, "but Perdix's words are basically the equivalent of a user's manual. So if he says that's how things roll, then—-"

  Little Iron had come flying back, diving so low that I couldn't help ducking in case he lost control. Hadrian liked to say I could be hard-headed at times, and while it was probably true, I doubted my skull was hard enough to survive a head-on collision with a bird made of iron.

  A part of me had expected the partridge to come back clutching a piece of clue with its talons, but instead it started drilling holes into the ground with its beak.

  Oh my God!

  Little Iron was communicating with us, and as the lines and swirls started taking shape, I realized that the partridge was writing a message...in Greek.

  "Oh, come on! Seriously?"

  The Gorgon was cackling so hard she had to hold on to her scarf to keep it from falling.

  "Not funny," I grumbled. This partridge better had a language option I could choose from or Perdix's customer service was so going to hear from the new LOTUS in town. It just wasn't fair—-

  The sound of flapping metal wings distracted me out of my thoughts, and I realized belatedly that Little Iron was done writing and had dived right back into my pocket as if needing to recuperate.

  I turned to Gorgon, resigned to the need for translation, but just as I was about to ask, I heard Sssusssan hiss, the sound so full of outrage...you just kinda knew after that.

  My stomach curled with dread as the Gorgon spun around without a word and stalked inside the hut. My heart started pounding as I followed her inside, and cold sweat enveloped my skin as I took in my surroundings.

  There were signs of struggle everywhere. And blood. So much blood that the shattered pieces of the crystal ball on the ground had turned dark with it.