Impassioned: A Salvation Society Novel

by Lea Coll

  “Deployments don’t affect me.” When she stared at me without answering, I shifted in my chair, unease shot through my chest. Either she didn’t believe me or maybe I was lying to myself. “I mean, it sucks, but—”

  “I saw you at the airport.” She was quiet for a few seconds as if she was remembering. “You were vulnerable with him. I get the impression that wasn’t usual for you. Be like that with him more often. Show him it’s normal to express your emotions. Somewhere along the way, he was taught to bottle everything up. That’s why he’s acting out. He probably has no idea that’s what he’s doing. He’s so out of touch with his emotions.”

  Her implication that I was out of touch with my emotions hung heavy in the air. Was I repeating what my parents had done? How many times had my parents told me to suck it up and to get over something?

  “I know this won’t be easy for you, but I’m here to help in any way I can.” She placed her elbows on the desk, leaning toward me. Her eyes were earnest.

  “Thank you. This is why I wanted to meet with you.” I relaxed into my chair. I didn’t want to admit that anyone was important to me. I wasn’t used to depending on anyone but myself, but I was glad she was here. I was glad she cared.

  I’d moved to a new town, fresh off a deployment, and recently discharged. Everything was uncertain. It hit me that Mia had been our constant. An unfamiliar sensation skidded over my skin—longing. Not necessarily for a woman in my bed or a good time, but someone in my life.

  As soon as I acknowledged I wanted her, I dismissed the idea. She wasn’t a one-night stand kind of woman or someone you work out of your system. She was the real deal. She was warm and friendly, open and inviting. If I went there with her, she’d want everything—a family and love—things I couldn’t provide.

  I’d screwed up my marriage and Everett. I’d do the same with her. My eyes drifted to the picture frames behind her. In every one, she was smiling and happy. She deserved more than I had to give.

  Mia stood as if our meeting was over. “Opening up to him will be a challenge, but I know you can do it.”

  A sense of loss coursed through me. I wasn’t ready to leave her office, her confidence that I could do this. I needed her.

  She touched my shoulder, calming me, before I stood.

  She wanted me to tell Everett what it was like to leave him behind for six months, to miss so much of his life. In the beginning, I missed a lot of his firsts. The first time he walked, his first word, but as time went on, I missed bigger things. I tried not to think about it. If I did, the feelings would crash like an avalanche—everything coming at once, piling one on top of the other, with no way to stop it, burying me under its weight.

  “Will you let me know how it goes?” Her tone was sincere.

  “You mean, like text you?” We’d communicated only through the Messenger app. When she’d met me at the airport, we exchanged cell numbers. I’d used Stark as an excuse, but I wanted to maintain that connection with her when I didn’t have an excuse for late night video calls anymore.

  She smiled as if she sensed my hesitation. “Sure. Have you gotten a place to live yet?”

  Happier to be on more even ground, I said, “I had an interview today and I’m going to visit some houses later today.”

  “I didn’t ask to rush you. I love having Stark but I was thinking it would be good if he could live with you guys.” Her expression was wistful yet sad.

  I looked forward to taking the next step as a family, moving into our own place. I wanted Stark with us.

  “It’s time we adjust to our new reality.” One without his mother and his grandparents. When I first realized Rebecca wasn’t coming back, I was worried I wouldn’t be enough for Everett. I still worried I’d screw him up, but I was excited for the challenge, the bond I hoped we’d form.

  “Everything will work out. You’ll see.”

  Her soft smile, her confidence that I could be a good dad, flowed through me. I wanted to reach out and touch her, like she had me. I wanted to be closer to her.

  We stood, facing each other. It was close enough I smelled her citrus shampoo or lotion. It was a happy welcoming scent—just like her. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t one for false platitudes or pleasantries. I called things like I saw them. This adjustment would be rough. “How can you be so sure?”

  “All you need to do is show your child love. Everything flows from there. It’s when you withhold your love or withdraw it, that the wounds become gaping holes.” She looked away from me, drawing in a shaky breath before she pulled the door open. “Anyway, thanks for coming in.”

  I tilted my head to the side, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. It sounded like she knew exactly what it was like for a family to withdraw love. Was that something she’d experienced? It was hard to reconcile with her happy smile in the pictures. Was that a front she put on or was she speaking as a counselor?

  No. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes unfocused, and she smoothed down her hair as if she were flustered. She was talking about herself.

  I blinked, wanting to ask follow-up questions. My old instinct was to ignore it. To pretend she hadn’t revealed a personal wound. Her personal life and her history were irrelevant to helping Everett, yet I wanted to know her. I wanted to help her like she was helping me.

  Did she identify with Everett? Had one or both of her parents abandoned her? Or was she speaking of a boyfriend? While I was deployed, she’d mentioned something about falling in love with guys too easily, being hurt. I hated the idea of someone taking advantage of her sweet and trusting nature. I didn’t voice any of the thoughts running through my mind. “Thanks. I’ll be in touch.”

  She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. I wanted to touch her arm to provide comfort. Instead, I walked down the hall and out of the building.

  I shouldn’t be helping her. She wasn’t a friend.

  I didn’t want to be attracted to her. She wasn’t even my type.

  I liked women who were confident and strong. Not ones whose emotions played out over their face like the scenes in a play. They wanted more than I had to give.

  Chapter Ten

  Mia

  Mason was usually so stoic and confident. In our meeting, I could see the struggle behind his eyes. The desire to help his son overriding his need to keep his emotions and desires in check. I wanted him to connect with Everett for both of their sakes. Everett was crying out for attention. He needed his father.

  I saw myself in Everett. We’d both experienced the highs of a loving family and the lows when they withdrew that love.

  Mason’s military career deepened his instincts to lock any emotions down tight, but his

  parents laid the foundation for it. The same things that probably made him an excellent sailor and pilot were contrary to him fixing things with Everett. But he was here now. Most of my troubled kids never had a parent in here asking questions.

  If I could guide Mason in the right direction, maybe things would be better for Everett. He’d

  make better choices.

  I’d jumped from one temporary position to another since I’d received my master’s degree. Each time, I told myself to step back, stay somewhat detached, it didn’t work. These kids drew me in. I wanted to help them. The reality was, there were very few parents like Mason, who were ready to admit their faults and shortcomings. Rarely did a parent request a meeting to discuss their flaws. The prevailing attitude was that the kid learned the bad behavior at school, so the school needed to fix it.

  That’s why I refrained from telling Mason why Everett’s pain from his situation resonated with me. Had his mother loved him and then left or was she like Mason and his parents, devoid of emotion?

  “Hey, who were you meeting with?” Hannah appeared at my doorway.

  “Everett’s dad, Mason. He just returned from his deployment and wanted to discuss how things were with his son.”

  “Is he a single dad?”

  “He is.” I didn’t go
into any details because unless we were discussing Everett misbehaving in her class, it would be inappropriate for me to share.

  “Well, from what I saw he’s a hot single dad.”

  That was something I tried not to notice. He was sweet with Everett when he saw him at the airport. The fact that he was a guy who could admit when he was struggling and needed help was even more attractive. Those qualities superseded the way his biceps bulged when he’d leaned forward on his elbows.

  “He walks like a man who knows what he’s doing in the bedroom if you know what I mean.” She sat in the chair Mason recently vacated.

  “He’s a Navy pilot. Or was. He discharged earlier than he wanted, to be here for his son.”

  Hannah placed her hand over her chest. “Swoon. He sounds irresistible.”

  Helping him was my job. I shouldn’t get personally involved with the father of one of my students.

  “Wait. Is he the one whose dog you’re watching?” Her eyes narrowed on me as if I kept the connection a secret.

  “He is. I’m still watching him until he can get his own place.”

  “Nice. So, are you into him?”

  “He’s one of my kid’s parents.” The last thing I needed was to be caught dating one. It could affect my position here, or a recommendation for a job somewhere else. Dating Everett’s father might derail the tentative trust we’d developed.

  “You aren’t doing anything wrong by caring about those kids, you know. You just worked with a principal who couldn’t see anything but parent complaints. It’s different here. You’ll see.”

  I wanted to believe her. That the administration and the parents would appreciate my brand of help. “Even if it was, my job here was temporary. Cassie will come back after her leave is up. I’ll have to move on. I need a positive recommendation.”

  Hannah’s shoulders dropped. “You’re right. It’s just I want you to be happy.”

  “I am happy.” My words rang hollow. Ever since Thanksgiving, my life felt empty. I was unfulfilled. The idea that I hadn’t found a permanent position made me think the school system wasn’t the right place for me. Was there something else out there that might be a better fit?“No, you’re not. You’ve surrounded yourself with friends, but you haven’t dated anyone who deserves you.”

  Did Mason deserve me? They say opposites attract but a sensitive emotional person dating someone closed off was something else entirely. It wouldn’t work. I’d be frustrated with him and he’d be annoyed with me. “You think Mason is that guy?”

  “His name is Mason?” Her lips tilted up.

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes.”

  “Maybe. Or he could be a good time.”

  I sighed. “No. I promised myself I wouldn’t jump into relationships with guys I know won’t be good for me. Mason Arrington is all wrong for me. He’s closed off, he’s cocky, and—”

  “Hot. Don’t forget hot.”

  “He is.” I threw up my hands. “He’s not remotely interested in me.” I’d thought he’d make a move when he came back. It had only been a week, but he hadn’t called me outside of school. I missed our messages and video calls. I hadn’t even realized how much until he was home, and it stopped.

  Hannah pursed her lips.

  “No matchmaking. Stay out of it.”

  She shrugged. “We’ll see. Maybe he’ll come to the spring fling and you can hang out with him. Maybe he’ll volunteer. Or you could ask him to visit with the dog at a dog park or even better your house. You could make dinner while his son plays with the dog.”

  Excitement coiled in my stomach. The idea of Mason Arrington sitting at my table in my small yellow kitchen while I cooked and Everett ran around the yard with Stark. It was domestic and everything I’d always wanted. “As amazing as that sounds, it’s not a good idea.”

  “Not every guy is going to suck up your love and not return it. Maybe this man needs you as much as you need him. Love, a family—”

  “You’re getting way ahead of yourself. He’s one of my student’s dads. That’s it.”

  She stood but turned to look at me in the doorway. “You’re watching his dog. You’re helping him with his kid. You’re getting in deep with this guy whether you want to or not.”

  Uncertainty spread through me. Was she right? I hadn’t even told Hannah how I’d talked to his parents and driven Everett to the airport. I was repeating the same old patterns. Getting too involved, falling in deep.

  “It’s not a bad thing, you know. Loving people isn’t bad.” Hannah’s tone was careful.

  “It is when they don’t return that love.” From my aunt and uncle to every boy and later man, I dated. At first, the guys liked me and the things I did for them, but eventually it was too much. They’d complain I was smothering them or too demanding. I’d grab on to whatever crumbs they offered me, but it was never enough. I had to have more.

  “I need to fix myself before I date any other guys.”

  Hannah’s eyes were sad. “You don’t need to be fixed. You need to find someone who appreciates you for you.”

  “Well, Mason isn’t that guy.” He’d never want to date me. There was that moment at the door when my emotions overtook me, and I thought he was about to say something. His eyes filled with concern, but when I pulled open the door, his eyes were blank and polite again. I’d seen him do the same thing at the airport.

  “We’ll see.” She smiled before she left.

  No. Mason wouldn’t be good for me. I needed someone sensitive like me. Someone who needed love just as much as I did. Someone who’d been abandoned, who’d been left out in the wind to fend for himself. The uncertainty swirled in my stomach until I covered my stomach with my hand to settle it.

  Everett’s photo was up on my computer screen with his file. He had his father’s blue eyes, haunted and full of pain. Everett and Mason did need love. Neither of them was ready to accept it yet, and I wouldn’t be their guinea pig.

  When I was near Mason, my blood pumped harder causing a whooshing sound in my ears. His presence was overwhelming. If he ever turned his attention on me, like he had during our phone chats when he was deployed, I’d be lost to him.

  Unfortunately for someone like me, the idea of being lost in someone even for a few weeks or months was addicting.

  My hands shook as I typed notes into Everett’s file, reducing our emotionally charged meeting to clinical details and facts. That’s what Everett was to me, my student. I had to accept that I was doing the best I could, but it was mostly up to Mason and Everett to work it out.

  Hannah’s suggestion to invite them over for dinner popped into my head. My fingers paused on the keyboard.

  Why couldn’t I have everything, a boyfriend, a family, and a dog? When I bought my house, it satisfied something inside me, but not everything. I still had this hole, begging to be filled up. I mentally shook my head, closing out Everett’s file. No one filled me up, but me.

  My phone dinged. My friend, Sierra, sent an image on our friend thread. I opened it, hoping to distract myself. It was a picture of her manicured hand, pink nails, and one sparkling diamond.

  My phone kept pinging with congratulations, OMGs, and praise for the ring. I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears. I was thirty-one, I thought I had a few more years before my friends paired off and had kids. I was obviously kidding myself. I tried to still my clumsy hands so I could type out a similar message. As I pressed send on my upbeat message, I wondered if this was the beginning of many similar exchanges.

  Texts came through about going out to celebrate, figuring out a time and a location.

  I waited for there to be a determination before I responded I’d be there. I strived to be the friend you could count on and this was one of those times. I’d be supportive, be the bridesmaid, maybe even the maid of honor, but would I ever be the bride?

  This highlighted why Mason was completely wrong for me. He’d been married and divorced. He was probably jaded. I needed someone younger, more optimistic, lookin
g for love just like me.

  The last thing Everett needed was someone trying to replace his mother. He needed to be the sole person in his father’s life for once.

  Chapter Eleven

  Mia

  I survived the night celebrating Sierra’s engagement, but it was the first of many events for a wedding. An official engagement party, a wedding shower, bachelorette party, and of course, the wedding was discussed. Sierra asked me to be a bridesmaid, so I’d be expected to be at everything, helping her with each step. I was happy for her, but the melancholy persisted.

  I’d left early with the excuse I needed to take Stark out. I didn’t, but I couldn’t put on a happy face anymore. I didn’t want to bring Sierra’s evening down by talking about my own frustrations in relationships.

  When I opened the door, Stark barked once and then circled me, his tail thumping. “Hey, boy. Want to go out?”

  I walked to the back slider, pulling it open for him as he bounded out. I stood on the deck watching him circle the perimeter before he peed. When Mason got a place, Stark would be gone too. I’d come home to an empty house. That used to be something I looked forward to at the end of the day, but not anymore. Not when Stark had been living with me for months. I was used to how happy he was when I came home. He needed me.

  I sat on the kitchen chair, pulling out my phone to scan my contacts. I hovered over Mason’s number. Should I invite him over to dinner to see Stark like Hannah suggested or would the dog park be a more neutral location. I could say it was just for Everett and to check in with Mason to see how he was doing. It would be a nice thing to do—not a date. Before I could change my mind, I typed out a message to him.

  Mia: Would you like to meet at the dog park tomorrow to see Stark?

  Would he read between my words and know it was a purely veiled excuse to see him?

  Mason: Saturday morning?