Adventure, January 18, 1920
AIN’T figured none on making it a
“I fear me that this meeting will soon
personal holiday,” says old Judge need legal or medical assistance,” announces
“I Steele, shifting his position on the Judge Steele, blowing his long nose sidewalk. “I’ve been thinking about taking
apologetic-like. “There ain’t no use skating so myself plumb out of range of earthly things on
near to air-holes, folks. There ain’t a danged
said date. A man of my age has got to look out
one of you what ain’t moved your guns
for his health.”
around to the front. What for kind of a way is
“The Lord giveth and, also and this to arbitrate?”
moreover, He taketh away in His own time,”
“You unbuttoned your vest, judge,”
states “Old Testament” Tilton pious-like.
reminds Magpie. “Don’t you wear a shoulder
“Gospel fact, Testament,” nods the holster?”
judge. “But there ain’t no use of a fellow
“Patriotism, Magpie. It ain’t because
trying to force the issue. I know Piperock.”
I’m belligerent. Any old time these snake-
“Needs tempering,” orates Mike Pelly.
hunters from foreign parts belittles our shining
“Piperock is all right for a little town and she city I can only remain cool and collected up to plumb exhibits energy beyond her capacity,
a certain point. I hadn’t ought to wear a vest.”
and that is one of the reasons I’m trying to get Me and “Dirty Shirt” Jones listens to
you pelicans to see things my way. Paradise
this elevating conversation in disgust. Me and
will act as an anchor. Sabe? You Piperockers Dirty are not with the meeting nor a part of it, would be lost in a place like Paradise.”
except being as it’s pulled off out in the open
“Too true,” nods Magpie Simpkins, we can’t help hearing it. Magpie represents sheriff of Yaller Rock County, caressing his
Piperock, Mike orates Paradise’s opinions and
long mustache. “Great place to lose things,
Hassayampa is there to lay Curlew at our feet.
Mike. I had two horse-thieves stolen from me
Old Judge Steele has to horn in to add
in that city.”
dignity to the affair and little Scenery Sims
“Curlew is a comer,” proclaims “Has-
adds his squeaky voice, which detracts from
sayampa” Harris, who owns what there is of
any dignity the judge might add.
the town. “Why not come to Curlew? She
“Now about the religious attractions—
stands to welcome you with open arms.”
” begins Old Testament, but Magpie gives him
“Any time she does I’ll hide my a look and he sets down.
money in my boot,” squeaks “Scenery” Sims.
“This is a Fourth of July meeting,
“Open ——! The only thing what is
Testament,” states Magpie. “We may need
open in Curlew is the jail.”
you later on to proclaim ashes to ashes, but
Adventure
2
right now you better pass the hand. Sabe?
“Hurrah for history!” yelps Dirty and
You’re all the sky-pilot we’ve got around we both went out and sat on the hitch-rack.
here, and for the good of our soul I asks you to
“Dirty,” says I, “which one was right?”
keep out. You’re all right for what you’re
“Ike, I’m —— if I know. As soon as
intended.”
the convention is over I’ll ask the judge. He
“Come on, Ike,” says Dirty. “These
ought to know.”
hombres will frame up something awful, you
Maybe he did. He comes walking a-
can gamble on that, and the less we has to do
long stiff-legged like a bear and Dirty accosts with it the more chance we has to get shot by
him thusly—
accident and mourned by few.”
“Judge, who is responsible for the
Then we went over to Buck’s place
Fourth of July?”
and leaned against the mahogany.
The old pelican stops, peers at Dirty
“Committee come to a
over his glasses and clears his throat.
understanding?” asks Buck.
“I’m surprized to find anybody so
“As usual,” replies Dirty. “They’ll danged ignorant,” says he, pained-like.
mistreat each other for a while, stop by mutual
“Yeah? I didn’t ask you to display
consent and celebrate as they see fit. There
oratory over my ignorance, judge. You might
ain’t no sense in having a community at least express an opinion. We won’t dispute celebration, Buck. Ain’t it bad enough for
you.”
each community to kill off of their own
“The Fourth of July was started—was
without joining up to make it a wholesale
started back in—let’s see.”
slaughter?”
The judge scratches his chin and peers
“If Lincoln knowed what he started
at the ground.
when he made the Fourth a holiday he’d wish
“Back in 1492—seems like that’s the
he’d kept right on splitting corral poles, date. Anyway, it was along about that time—
believe me,” grinned Buck.
—”
“Robert E. Lee,” corrects old Sam
“I asked you who, judge, not when,”
Holt, looking up from his solitaire layout.
reminds Dirty and just then Magpie strolls up.
“Lincoin didn’t have no hand in it, Buck.”
“What’s the argument?” he asks.
“Yeah?” grunts Pete Gonyer. “Is that
“Who started the Fourth of July,
so? Let me tell you both something: If General
Magpie?”
Grant hadn’t hankered to march to the sea,
“Which one, Dirty? This one, the last
where would your old Fourth of July be, I’d
one or the one before? Be definite.”
rise to inquire?”
“There you are,” grins the judge,
“I said Lincoln,” reproves Buck, “Magpie’s a scholar. Your question was too dropping his hands below the level of the bar.
general, Mister Jones.”
“I can prove it.”
Him and Magpie locks arms and goes
Pete hitches forward in his chair and
into Buck’s place, while me and Dirty sets
rubs the palms of his hands on his hips.
there on the rack and registers disgust. Know
“I said Grant—U. S. Grant! Sabe? ”
what Dirty looks like when he shows disgust?
Old Sam Holt yawns and slips his hand
unconcerned-like under the shoulder of his
DIRTY is so cock-eyed in one eye that he has
coat. Then he spits out into the middle of the
t
o shut it in order to see straight. His eyebrows room.
grows so high up on his forehead that he looks
“Robert E. Lee!” he snaps mean-like.
plumb astonished at everything, and he walks
Ike Harper’s Historical Holiday 3
like somebody was prodding him in the back
ears. “Washington crossed her north end,
of the knees. When Dirty registers disgust on
Buck. She’s a long river.”
his face, he’d make a bee-stung grizzly stop
“Sure,” agrees Pete. “River was too
scratching to laugh.
long to go around. I knowed that Lincoln
Pretty soon there comes a yelp from
didn’t have no more to do with it than—than
the saloon, a shot is fired, and Pete Gonyer
Grant did.”
comes out like a comet. He’s looking back as
“Speaking of Fourth of July,” states
he exits and he slams right into one of the
Sam Holt, “I’d admire to say a few words
porch posts, takes it along with him and acts
about Robert E. Lee.”
mean-like over it, like it was alive. Then he
“I’m going home,” says Dirty Shirt. “I
sets up and looks around.
don’t care a whoop who did start it. All I
“Who started the Fourth of July, know is this: It might been a wise man who Pete?” asks Dirty.
started it, but a lot of danged fools have
“U. S.——” begins Pete and then monkeyed with it until she ain’t no good for glances up at the bunch crowding the door.
man nor beast.
Buck has got a shotgun in his hands.
“I may attend in a body, but I hereby
Pete scratches his chin and says—
states that I won’t be part nor parcel of
“Lincoln!”
celebration and I won’t act as pall-bearer on
“What Lincoln?” asks Buck sweet-
July fifth, nor the day after nor the next day. I like.
won’t do anything that might carve ‘Died July
“Nebrasky,” grunts Pete and Buck Fourth’ on my tombstone. Adios. ”
nods like he’s satisfied.
Dirty Shirt rode out of town and I went
Just then Chuck Warner, a freak from
up to our cabin. I say “our cabin” meaning the
the Cross J, rides in. He’s got a long, tired
place where me and Magpie hangs out. We’re
looking face and short legs. He comes over
pardners in everything, except when I declare
and leans against, the rack.
myself out, when Magpie declares me in and I
“Chuck,” says Dirty, “who started the
ain’t long winded enough to argue it.
Fourth of July?”
Magpie is sheriff of Yaller Rock
“Well, you might say it was George
County, which is something to be proud of—
Washington and again you might say it was
like being a target—and any time he feels that
the Delaware River,” replies Chuck, wise-like.
I ain’t going fifty-fifty with his troubles he
“You see, Washington wanted to get across
swears me in as a deputy. He comes home
the river, which was full of ice, so they put
later on and sets down to our table, where he
him in a boat and rowed him across. Sabe? In does a little work with a pencil.
honor of said voyage, which was on said day
After while he yawns and rolls a
and date, they sets same aside as a holiday.”
smoke.
“Ice!” squeaks Scenery. “On the
“Ike, it is better so,” says he.
Fourth of July, Chuck?”
“It always is, Magpie,” I admits.
“Beyond the shadder of a doubt,”
“Curlew won’t go to Paradise,” he
replies old Judge Steele. “I’ve got a picture of states. “Paradise won’t go to Curlew. Curlew
it in my office.”
won’t come to Piperock and Piperock won’t
“The Delaware River don’t freeze in
go to Curlew. Paradise won’t come to
Summer,” objects Buck. “She’s sort of a south
Piperock and Piperock won’t go to Paradise.
river, if I reminds myself correct.”
See how it is?”
“In
spots,”
grins
Chuck, wiggling his
“Uh-huh,” I admits “There ain’t
Adventure
4
nobody going no place. Good!”
“Who do I have to have contempt for,
“Wrong,
Ike.”
Magpie?” I asks.
Magpie hists his boots upon the table
“Well, Judge Steele and—uh—me, I
and twists his mustache.
reckon.”
“We’re going to have a community
“Put me in,” says I. “Thirty days for
celebration. This is going to be a hum-dinger
one contempt, Magpie? Better hurry up,
and entirely out of the ordinary. Paradise,
’cause my contempts are growing so fast that
Piperock and Curlew are going to have a one lifetime won’t begin to cover the case.”
three-corner celebration and we’ve picked Magpie ain’t a man of his word, so I has to Dancing Prairie as the celebration center. How
suffer freedom. I permits myself to be sworn
does she strike you, Ike?”
in as a deputy to a sheriff but nothing nor
“Ker-bump!” says I. “That sure is a
nobody can swear me in as a deputy to a
fitting place, Magpie. Following an Injun Yaller Rock celebration. I sets down in the precedent, we can dance the scalps. There’s an
office and lets nature take its course.
old Injun graveyard on the river bank which
could be put in shape and would save the
I SEES Hassayampa and Magpie waving their
trouble of hauling the casualties home. Yes’m,
arms in arguments, which don’t never seem to
you picked a grand spot.”
be settled. Then I sees Mike and Magpie
“Aw, this ain’t going to be no hip-
imitating windmills, as they thresh out the
hooray celebration, Ike. We’re getting details. Delegates from Paradise and Curlew civilized on celebrations, Ike. There ain’t no
seem to mingle free like with the gentle folk
hot heads on the committee, so she’ll all come
of Piperock, but as yet there ain’t no great lot off cool and collected-like.”
of gun-play. I feel that there is plenty to come,
“Said committee is?”
so I don’t deplore to inaction.
“‘Chuck’
Warner,
‘Hassayampa’
Lumber and all such needful things are
Harris, ‘Doughgod’ Smith and Mike Pelly.”
hauled from Piperock, but I sets there in the
“Yeah?” says I. “Some class! A liar, a
office, with my feet on the table and sorrow in thief, a fool and a bartender. What are you
my heart, ’cause I know—man, I know there’s
going to be, Magpie?”
going to be sorrow somewhere.
“Me? I’m going to be the boss of the
Cometh to me “Sad” Samuels of
whole works. I’m the hombre what sees that Curlew, sets him down at my table and looks
every thing is pulled off as per progra
m. I may sorrowful-like.
need an aid.”
“Ike,” says he, “can you give me a
“Then you’ll pick him from the description of Custer?”
rabble,” I states. “I will be far away and going
“Horse-thief?”
I
asks.
farther on that day, Magpie. Three days from
“Fit Injuns,” says Sad. “Remember
now I’m going to have a hundred miles him, don’t you?”
between me and Dancing Prairie and the
“Not from your description, Sad.
distance will grow farther as the day goes on.”
Think you seen him?”
“Hold up your right hand, Ike,” he
Sad rolls a cigaret and looks sad-like at
snaps. “Swear to do your duty as deputy me. He’d look sad if somebody left him a sheriff, so help you Gawd? Huh! Now, dang
million. I seen him cry over a straight flush
your bow-legged soul, you stay hitched to the
one night. He wets that cigaret and then drops
law for four days! You run out on me and I’ll
it on the floor. Too sad to smoke.
get you thirty days for contempt of court.”
“Ike, do I look like Custer?”
Ike Harper’s Historical Holiday 5
“Want me to say yes, Sad?”
“With brains,” I admits.
“I’ve got to be Custer.”
“You know, don’t you, Ike?”
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