by Sofia Grey
What are you doing today? Anything exciting?
He replied straight away.
Yeah, something important to do 2day. BTW, there’s something I want to ask you.
Sure, what is it?
The last thing you said to me. Did you mean it?
My cheeks heated. I took a second to pour hot water into the coffeepot and stir the grains while I sought a reply. He couldn’t have heard me. What else did I say?
About giving us a chance?
Nope. You said you were falling in love with me. Did you mean it?
Holy shit, he had heard me. My knees trembled, and I had to sit down. What did I say to that? Pass it off as a spur-of-the-moment thing? Or be brutally honest and risk scaring him off completely? I closed my eyes briefly, sent up a quick prayer to any god that might be listening, and then replied.
Yes, I meant it. Every word of it. It’s ok if you don’t feel the same. I understand.
The next seconds that passed in utter silence were the longest of my life. And if that wasn’t bad enough, when my phone beeped softly again, I couldn’t bear to read the text. I had to brace myself before I opened it.
You still have my paua shell?
I wanted to beat my head against the table. Physical pain might go some way to numbing the agony that gripped my heart. A big, salty tear rolled down my cheek, and I watched it drip onto my hand.
Yes. I haven’t taken it off. Do you want it back now?
Silence. My eyes filled up, and I dropped my head. I’d cried myself out days ago. I was wrung dry, there couldn’t be any tears left inside me.
It’s lovely outside.
Huh? I wiped my face with the palm of my hand and glanced at the windows. Sunlight poured in. The sea sparkled a perfect blue in the distance. It was indeed lovely outside. The only place I felt like going was back to bed, to pull the covers over my head and block out the world.
I have something for you. Come outside, Cass.
I stared in disbelief at the phone, my fingers rising to stroke the sliver of paua. Come outside, he said. Not go outside. Hope flared, and I shoved back my chair and lurched for the door. My heart raced, banging so hard against my ribs that it made me feel sick. I opened the door and stared out at the deck. Everything stood as it was. Everything except the large paua shell on the table.
I sucked in as deep a breath as I could manage and stepped forward to pick it up. Shaped like an oyster shell, the colors on the inside swirled in a cascade of blues and purples. I hadn’t seen a half shell before, and I lifted it to the sunlight, watching as the colors shimmered. Beautiful.
“Cass.”
I spun around, the shell tight in my hand. Jonah. There he was, sitting on the padded bench, phone in hand and a devastating smile on his face. His dimple flickered. Every drop of moisture disappeared from my mouth. All I could think was, He came back for the necklace. I stood frozen, dying inside.
His smile widened, and he stood up, opening his arms to me. I don’t recall moving, but I must have. Next thing, I was in his arms, holding him tight and burying my face in his chest.
“Aww, Cass. Don’t cry.” I didn’t realize I was. I tried to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, but he beat me to it. Jonah sat down again and pulled me onto his lap to straddle him. “I told you I’d come back.” His voice was gentle.
I stared into his dark eyes and tried to breathe normally. Every part of me wanted to kiss him, to hold him. To have the chance to love him. “The shell,” I managed to whisper. “Thank you. It’s perfect.”
He cupped my face with both hands and dropped a gentle kiss on my lips. Warm, soft, and tender, it made my soul sing. He had to feel it, too. I wasn’t imagining this connection that we shared. “I screwed up. I’m sorry.” His eyes were serious. “Let’s go out. We’ll do that breakfast again. Properly.”
****
We sat at the same table, in the same rustic café overlooking the sea, but this time I couldn’t even think of eating anything. When the waitress came to take our order, Jonah asked for a few minutes longer. My skin tingled, and my pulse quickened as I waited to see what he’d say. My stomach had turned into a washing machine on the spin cycle. I didn’t dare even take a sip of water.
With an awkward smile, he caught both my hands on the tabletop. “Last time, I told you I had to go back to work.” He spoke carefully as usual, and his voice soothed me, settling some of the awful churning sensation. This wasn’t bad news, I’d stake my life on it. “I told you I lived in Sydney.” I nodded. “Well, I’m moving.” I couldn’t suppress the surge of hope, and I squeezed his fingers.
He licked his lips. He’s nervous, too. I gave him an encouraging smile. “I’m moving back to Wellington. I’m,” he paused and glanced away, his eyes focusing on the sea for a moment before coming back to me, “I’m falling in love with you, Cass. I want to give us a chance.”
Was it possible for a smile to actually crack your face open? I gazed at my lover and wondered if I’d ever tire of looking at him, already so dear to me. “I’d like that very much.” My voice was just a croak, but he heard me. The anxiety left his eyes, and he grinned, his dimple flashing at me.
“Yeah, that’s good.” He lifted my hands to his mouth and pressed kisses to my fingertips while I melted inside. I was so proud of him. He freaked out at flying, yet he’d come back to see me. He hated living in Wellington, but he’d move back there for me. There were so many things I wanted to ask him, to know about him, but they could all wait. For the moment, I was happy to sit in the sunshine with my lover, my Jonah.
Chapter Seventeen - Loving
Five months later
I gazed into the full-length mirror in the bathroom, and tried to see myself as though I was a stranger. As Jonah’s parents would see me.
Christ. I’d changed outfits three times already. From the business-like skirt and floral blouse, to jeans and a casual shirt, and finally to loose-fitting linen trousers and a silky top. No matter what I wore, or how I fixed my hair, I looked like a cougar. A woman ten years older than their son.
Jonah didn’t care about the age difference, and his brother was fine with it, but his parents were a different matter. If they didn’t like me, it would make things a thousand times more awkward.
I was still smoothing over the cracks with Dylan. My son thought I was crazy to consider a relationship with Jonah, but here we were, months later, and still going strong. The last few weeks had been a flurry of activity. Two long weekends in Sydney, staying in Jonah’s tiny apartment, and more texts and emails than I thought possible.
His move to Wellington was complete. For the time being he’d stay with his parents while he figured out where he wanted to live. He was looking at apartments in the quieter of the city suburbs, but none appealed. I knew how that felt. Colin was buying my share of the house, which meant I needed to move out. I planned to wait until Jonah found somewhere, and then start looking in earnest. I could live anywhere as long as I had decent internet access, but close to Jonah was my preference.
That could wait though. I had to get through lunch with his parents first. At their house.
I offered to drive, but Jonah insisted on picking me up in his car. Not his motorcycle today, thank heavens. Much as I loved riding pillion with him, I wanted to look tidy, and not windswept for this meeting. That and the weather was foul. It was a typical Wellington winter day, with a howling southerly gale, and intermittent showers. Not good biking weather.
My phone chirruped with a text from Jonah, and I grabbed it.
Hi. I’m early, but there’s somewhere I want to go first. You ready now?
Ready now? Holy crap. I thought he was going to be another half hour at least.
I hovered my finger over the keypad, and wondered about asking for more time, but that would be silly. I hadn’t seen him for a few days, and didn’t want to wait any longer.
Yes, of course. See you soon x
A minute later, the doorbell rang. I grabbed my jacket and phone, picked up m
y tiny shoulder bag and the tub of homemade cookies I baked this morning, and went to meet my lover.
“Hey.” His hair was damp and windblown just from walking up the path to my door, but his smile was undimmed. He held his arms open and I snuggled against him, enjoying the moment.
“Hey, yourself.” Lifting my head, I claimed a kiss. “I missed you.”
“I’m here now. There’s somewhere I want to show you.”
“What kind of somewhere? A place to live?”
“Maybe. I want to know what you think.” The wind chose that moment to spiral a flurry of dead leaves around us, and Jonah grinned. “Come on.”
I expected him to stay in the city area, but he hit the main highway north, his shiny SUV purring as we covered the miles. He was every bit as cautious behind the wheel as he was on his motorbike, and I felt safe with him. Happy, too. Jonah could make my gloomiest day bright again.
We were twenty minutes north of the city, when I gave in to my curiosity. “How far are we going? We’ll be back in time for your parents, won’t we?”
He flashed an amused glance at me. “I warned them we might be late.”
“What?” I chewed on my lip, uncertain what to say. “Jonah, won’t that be a bit rude?”
“No. Why?”
“Well. I’m meeting them. I want to make a good impression.”
He chuckled. “You will. Don’t worry.”
We continued our drive north, through the coastal village of Plimmerton, and then further up, along the beautiful coastal road that wound along the very edge of the land, hugging mountains on one side and the ocean on the other.
Jonah hummed to himself, fingers tapping the wheel, and I watched the waves crashing onto the sand. Don’t worry, he said. Hell. I’d not been this nervous since our first date, when I wondered if he was really coming to see me, or if it was all a mistake.
Finally, he turned off the highway and drove into the quiet seaside town of Paekakariki, or Pie-kok, as the locals called it. It was a short distance to The Parade, the winding lane that looked down onto the beach, and Jonah pulled into a little parking area.
He turned off the engine, and twisted in his seat to look at me. “The city is too busy.” He gestured to the surf, crashing a few yards away. “I like it here better. I could live here, but I want you to see it before I decide.”
Houses dotted the length of the road, in all shapes and sizes, but well spaced out. It had a wildness, a windswept appeal that called to me. It could have been a hundred miles from the city, but was only a half hour drive. I reached into the back of the car and picked up my jacket. “Let’s go.”
It was still windy, even if the rain had stopped for the moment. Jonah reached for my hand and tangled our fingers together, before lifting them to his mouth. He placed a gentle kiss on my knuckles, and then gave me a brilliant smile and led me to a double-fronted white clapboard villa.
The front garden was laid with sun-bleached gravel, clumps of hardy pink flowers adding a splash of colour. A climbing rose sprawled over a pergola and the steps were lined with seashells. Pretty. Jonah dug into a pocket and produced a key, then opened the door and ushered me in.
With the door closed, the noise of the sea was muted, and he immediately pulled me close. “I hope you like it,” he said. “Just don’t say anything yet, okay?”
I nodded, intrigued, and then followed as he led me through the furnished rooms. A long living space ran down one side of the house, with huge picture windows looking out to the ocean. Double-glazed too, I guessed, judging by the quiet inside. Open-plan kitchen and dining room, and then he led me to a series of rooms at the back. From here, I saw a gravelled courtyard and two small cabins, and a large garage.
Jonah slipped one arm around my shoulders, and turned us to look at the garage. “That could be my workshop. And these,” he pointed to the cabins, “could be studios. I can soundproof them.”
“You’re going to start recording again?”
He shrugged, his gaze never leaving my face. “I could. Or do session work.”
“I think that would be amazing.”
A smile tugged at his lips, but then he guided me to a set of stairs I missed. “I think you might like this bit.”
I loved it already, but I went upstairs, and found another cluster of rooms. A large bedroom overlooking the surf, and a second room, fitted out as an office. Light poured through the windows, and a skylight set high in the ceiling, and I gazed at the view, mesmerized. “I could look at this all day.”
“Would you like to?”
What? I spun on my toe, and saw Jonah leaning against the doorframe. “What do you mean?”
He dangled a set of keys from his fingers. “Move in with me.”
“Move in?” My voice squeaked on the words, and I clapped a hand to my mouth. Was he serious?
“I love you, Cass.” He spoke slowly, each word careful. “And I know better than anyone, how fleeting life is. How easy it is to lose everything.” He crossed the floor to my side and caught both hands in his own. “These days I want to enjoy every moment, and you make every day better.”
I saw anxiety in his face, a worried furrow on his brow that I longed to kiss away.
“Cass? You don’t have to decide now.” He squeezed my fingers. “Just think about it.”
I could use the office for writing. I could go to bed every night with Jonah, and wake every morning wrapped in his arms. What if things didn’t work out between us? I looked again at my lover, the trust in his gaze, and the way he waited for me to make my own decision.
I could think about it all day. All week. There were a dozen reasons why this wouldn’t work, but one incredible, beautiful reason why it would.
“I love you, Jonah. And yes, I’d love to.”
I’d barely got the words out when he grabbed me, lifting me off the floor and spinning me around in his arms. Slowly, with infinite care, he let me slide down his body, until my toes touched floorboards again.
We kissed until I couldn’t tell where I ended and he began. I’d never been kissed by anyone so thoroughly as Jonah did, as if I was the reason he drew breath. With the same detailed precision as he spoke, he pressed his lips down my throat, leaving a burning trail in his wake.
Something nagged at the back of my mind. Something I’d forgotten.
Lunch.
I pulled free, and cupped his face in both hands. “We’re supposed to be at your parents.” And would they hate me even more now?
“They’re going to love you.” His smile was intoxicating. “They know I do.”
I could worry about them, or I could do as Jonah did, and live in the moment. This perfect moment. I preferred that idea.
****
I finally got around to giving Tami and Joseph their happy ending too.
Joseph had gone home early, unable to watch Tami with Daniel any longer and needing to get away from the poisonous Lena. God knows what her hidden agenda had been. His head felt as though it would explode, and his only option had been to retreat, to get the fuck away while his friendship with Daniel was still intact.
He threw himself into work and to making new friends, and as the weeks crawled by, thoughts of Tami lessened. They didn’t go altogether, though, and would emerge when he least expected them. She crept into his dreams at night, ambushed him in the shower and once when he spilled orange juice down his shirt. There seemed to be a natural separation from Daniel, now busy with Digger all the time, and Joseph allowed himself to mourn the loss of that friendship. People moved on. He would, too.
Summer had moved into autumn, and winter beckoned when he heard from a mutual friend that Daniel had split with Tami and was now heavily involved with Lena. Joseph resolved to keep his distance. Not going there. The same friend told him Tami had gone home, to France, and maybe that was for the best. He might be able to get her out of his head. Yeah right. He suspected she’d always occupy a corner of his heart.
The e-mail was unexpected.
> From: T_Beauchamp
Subject: Summer holiday
Hi, Joseph. I don’t know if you heard, but Daniel and I broke up a while ago, right before I came back home. I’d been planning to move back for a while, so the timing was good.
I don’t know if you ever thought any more about backpacking round Europe, I know you mentioned it one time. It’s summer here, and I have a couple of months before I start back at Uni, and I wondered if you would like to come over?
I had fun going out with Daniel, but I find that I miss you more. Now that we are both single, maybe we have a chance to see if there is anything between us?
I’d love to hear from you.
PS – I’m studying modern poetry at the moment, and I want to share my favorite with you. I think it says everything that I’m too scared to.
WB Yeats – “He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven”
Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams
Tami
X
Epilogue
Zack
The silver links sparkled in the late afternoon sunshine, and I gazed at the name engraved on the bracelet. Marnie. My sister.
She’d never see it.
Pain dug into my chest, and I closed my fist around the cool metal. I was too late.
It’d taken weeks to find the right birthday present for her. Something small and lightweight, that might survive the dodgy international postal system from a military base in Afghanistan, all the way back to New Zealand. I never expected to accompany it. She wasn’t supposed to die.
My phone pinged but I welcomed the distraction. It was a text from my mother.
The hotel is full, so I’ve rented a beachside cottage for you. Address follows. I’ll contact you with the funeral details later.
