Benjamin collapsed into a heap. Odie sank with him, his thick arms wrapped around him. Tears puddled on Odie’s large hands. Benjamin reached up and touched his cheeks. They were wet. He turned. Odie’s face was smeared with tears as well.
This man, who was father to all, did not exist. Benjamin did not have a father after all. Lies, the father of lies. Lies twisted into shapes by his mother. Hot rage bubbled up in his chest and formed a hard fist. He felt it punch out toward the man who sat on his mother’s bed.
“No! No!” Benjamin fought to stand, shaking his head violently. Odie’s arms tightened around his chest. “It’s all just lies! It doesn’t make sense!”
The Lieutenant pulled his eye patch down, letting it slide around his neck like a noose. He blinked in the light and looked up. A dark, dark eye—almost black—looked back at him. The ghost of Black-Eyed Barnaby locked eyes with Benjamin.
“You are my son,” the Lieutenant breathed more than spoke.
Benjamin Black closed his eyes and slumped into Odie’s large frame and felt Odie’s warmth against his own cold, dead body. Benjamin had to be dead. He had to be dead. Surely one of them was dead. In this world one of them was dead.
+ + +
Benjamin sat in the corner, the walls holding him upright. He clutched a warm cup of something in his dead fingers. Rebecca insisted he sip it while she rambled on about something or other. She wrapped a blanket around him.
The brothers sat on his mother’s empty cot and watched Benjamin through sidelong glances as they pretended to admire the sparse furniture. The Lieutenant paced around the room, looking at things, remembering.
Awkwardness had bonded with the dust in the room, making it difficult to breathe. Odie opened a few windows. Unfortunately, there was no breeze. Finally, it was too much, and the Lieutenant excused himself to find more water.
Denny stood up and strode around the cot and, in a stroke of courage, attempted conversation. He asked Odie about the horse. Odie just looked at him blankly and shook his head.
“The Lieutenant always pointed this place out to me when we were in the area. We never got close. I think this was…is…a painful place for him.”
She wrung a kitchen rag in her hands. “I never knew, I swear, Benjamin. He rarely speaks about his past unless you ask him direct questions. I never would have known to ask.” She wiped the table with the rag and collapsed into a chair. She shook her head, bewildered.
Knowing they had never actually set foot here before comforted Benjamin somehow. Why, he couldn’t say, but it was something.
Benjamin nodded at Rebecca and realized that wasn’t enough. “You’ve done well today.”
Her cheeks flushed “Yes, thank you for the knife and…for believing in me,” she said as she leaned in closer.
Denny jostled a chair up against the table. He probably wanted to forget about the whole thing.
Benjamin looked at each of them. “Did you know about me?”
Rebecca looked at Denny. He stared at the chair he gripped with white knuckles, his lips pressed tightly into a frown. Rebecca turned to meet Benjamin’s eyes.
“I knew that the Lieutenant thought he might have a child, but he didn’t know for sure. Last I knew, he had given up the idea.”
Rebecca peered back at Denny, who confirmed her words with a single nod. Odie stroked the blankets of the bed until they were smooth, trying to blend into the background.
“We didn’t put it together until he told his story. Please believe us when we say that we didn’t know anything about you before we met.” Rebecca reached over and adjusted Benjamin’s blanket. “I don’t think he meant to tell you so abruptly. If the situation had been different—”
Benjamin flipped away her response. He couldn’t listen to more. Things were not different. He wanted to ask this man where he’d been all his life, but he knew. He was taking care of the king, Rebecca, Denny, and his brothers. Isn’t this the sort of information that should make everything better?
Well, it didn’t.
He felt as if the Lieutenant had ripped all the scabs off his secret wounds. This new truth was the rot that fed the infection in his heart. He felt like he was dying from internal injuries.
“All of us here have lost our parents,” Denny said. “My brothers and I—”
“But I thought my father was safely lost!” Benjamin blinked through his angry haze. “Who’s the liar? My mother? My fa—I mean, the Lieutenant? The very books I studied in school? My mother never wanted to let people know who my father was. Was this why? All the lies that made up her life, she passed on to me.”
Denny sat down, and the room went quiet. Everyone became very concerned about the state of his or her boots. Odie scooted closer to the wall, hoping to disappear into a shadow. Denny set a hand on his brother’s back in a comforting gesture. The silence stretched on.
The Lieutenant came back a few minutes later. He looked miserable. He didn’t press Benjamin in any way, but he didn’t seem to know where to sit or where to look. Finally he began to look through cupboards and packs to make dinner.
Benjamin stood up, letting his blanket fall to the floor. He stepped out into the fading light of another day’s end. He couldn’t think of how to get out of this. He had nowhere else to go. All his troubles had lodged themselves into his place of sanctuary.
A spike of gut-wrenching ice—akin to blind fear—nearly brought him to his knees. He wanted to run until the ice bled from his soul. While his panic was strong, his physical body was exhausted. He settled for roaming outside the little hovel that had been his hideout his whole life. Thistles with expired blooms clustered in the yellow grass as he felt the pokey heads of weeds burrow into his socks. He didn’t care. He just had to keep moving. He stumbled over a camouflaged rock and was brought to his knees in front of a broken tree that had collapsed on itself and died. Before it had lost all of its leaves, he had sheltered underneath it when his mother had pushed him too far. She never found him there. He could just make out her third-hand boots and the torn hem of her skirts from inside. He’d hold his breath until she stomped back inside. He waited until he was ready to face her. It was too small for him to hide in now, so he sat on the rock instead.
A plate of food appeared just under his nose. The Lieutenant set it down between his feet, and then gazed into the collapsed tree and sat down. Benjamin stiffened. The man said nothing for a long time. Silently, he gave Benjamin the time he needed to get used to his presence.
“When I realized who you were, at the graduation, I was in shock.” The man’s voice was surprisingly soft. “I didn’t know what to do. I had before me an answer that I had been seeking for over fifteen years. I couldn’t just leave that alone.”
The Lieutenant rubbed at his newly exposed eye. A painful knot formed in Benjamin’s throat. He furrowed his brows together to keep the tears back. He did not want to cry in front of his father.
“I should have told you from the beginning, but I didn’t want to drive you away. I wanted to give you time.” He rubbed his hands slowly back and forth. “You are free to do whatever you want, but you are welcome to work with me. I see potential for greatness in you. I’d like to be a part of that, as your father, or in any way that you will let me.”
Benjamin looked up, dazed. He could see the Lieutenant was earnest, but Benjamin couldn’t pry his mouth open to say anything. He stole glances at the Lieutenant, not strong enough to face him straight on yet.
The Lieutenant stood up and dusted off his pants. He turned and demanded eye contact, his one black eye sucking Benjamin’s attention.
“I’m sorry,” he said. He waited for Benjamin’s response.
Benjamin nodded quickly and wiped his sleeve under his nose. He’d never remembered anyone apologizing to him before. He wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he kept nodding as he chewed on the Lieutenant’s words.
The Lieutenant patted Benjamin on the shoulder. Benjamin met his father’s gaze for a second before he returned
inside. Benjamin pulled out his little book and let it fall to the ground next to his plate. Two blank pages looked up at him.
He sat there for a long time without thinking. He should have said something, but even now he couldn’t think what. Too many words tangled in his mouth, down his throat, and back into his head. Hunger churned his stomach, but he could only stare at the plate of food.
The light was beginning to fade when Rebecca’s feet appeared next to the plate. She knelt beside him, picked up the plate, and set it in his lap. His hand lifted the food to his mouth, and he ate. With some food in his stomach, his body relaxed. He drank from the cup she offered. The rock he sat on felt hard. When he’d finished the food, Rebecca slid her arm under his and stood. She led him inside to his mother’s bed. She removed his boots and then pulled a blanket over him.
“It’s been a hard day. Tomorrow will be better,” she whispered.
The only thing he felt as he dozed off was the heavy beating of his heart against his breastbone.
TWENTY FIVE
Rebecca had slept miserably. She had taken the bed next to Benjamin’s, and Denny had wedged himself into the narrow space between the two beds, his pale locks tangled around his head.
She was getting a little tired of his close proximity. It was a bit much to deal with first thing in the morning. She tried to figure out the best way to slink past Denny. Perhaps that was why he slept there. He was afraid she’d disappear in the night, though the Lieutenant had probably ordered him to. Their combined vigilance was grinding on her nerves.
She rubbed her right shoulder as she sat up. The soreness was a small price to pay for being alive. The wide eyes of her assassin flashed before her, and she shook him out of her head. When her breathing returned to normal, she climbed down the back of the small bed, bypassing Denny all together.
She tripped over a rug and was surprised to find the Lieutenant had slept there all night. He blinked up at her with two eyes. That black eye was unsettling. Rebecca swore it saw all things hidden, including her feelings and thoughts. She mutely apologized and gestured to her bed. Sleep in my bed. I’ll make breakfast.
Rebecca tiptoed around him to the stove. She opened the hatch to check inside. It hadn’t been used for a really long time. She saw evidence of mouse nests. She locked the hatch and thought about a cold breakfast. A warm bowl of porridge would have to wait for another day. The Lieutenant stretched as he stood up and raised his eyebrows with a question.
“Mice.” She shook her head. “I guess Benjamin doesn’t cook much.”
The Lieutenant frowned in response, and Rebecca bit her lip. He would probably blame himself for that. It was hard to tell with her guardian. He took responsibility for too many things. Maybe guilt became like air for some people. They had to seek it out to keep living.
“It’s just as well.” The Lieutenant dipped some water out of the bucket to drink. He shrugged. “Our smoke might be visible from the road.”
Rebecca nodded at this. Questions welled up in her chest and pressed against her tongue. She didn’t trust herself to speak yet. The Lieutenant always said that she went too far with her words. How did she ask the Lieutenant if he was okay? Benjamin hadn’t taken the news joyfully; it had been too huge of a shock. It must have been hard on her guardian, though he’d never let anyone know. Yesterday was the first time she’d seen him not know what to do. She thought he could swim in any depth; perhaps the weight of the lives he left behind was too much. He was the one who needed rescuing now. She wished she knew how.
She set several packs on the table and began to hunt through each for a breakfast of dried meats, apples, and hard rolls. The packs had been forgotten on the floor and were still covered in dust.
What if she’d found out that her parents had just been playing dead and showed up one day to claim her again? She’d had several daydreams where her parents miraculously showed up alive. They would hold her in their arms and cry. They would then explain how they had been captives all these years and hadn’t been able to escape until now. In her dreams, it was a happy reunion with kisses and hugs. But now she wondered if that would be an accurate reaction. Somehow the pain of their loss would have to be accounted for. The sudden change of what her life had meant would be flipped on its head. The sudden shift might break everything inside her.
“Torrin,” she whispered.
The Lieutenant stiffened at hearing his real name. “Benjamin just needs time.” she said. What do you need?
He turned and glanced to where the boys were sleeping. She hadn’t used his real name in ten years. He met her searching look. His expression was naked; it unsettled her to see that he was a fragile person like everyone else. He then he turned away and nodded. She remembered his powerful embrace yesterday. He did get scared sometimes, but he didn’t let the fear stop him from doing what needed to be done. I need to remember that, she warned herself.
Odie opened the door, yawning. He insisted on sleeping with his goat outside. Rebecca was sure that wouldn’t work at the castle. Odie nodded shyly at Rebecca and then made his way to examine the stove. He grimaced and closed the hatch, picked up a pot, and headed outside. Odie was probably the one with the most experience cooking on the road. He was easily the best cook out of the brothers as well. They would all have a good breakfast with him in charge of the food.
“We should probably discuss how you’re going to get to the castle.” The Lieutenant tried to adjust an eye patch that wasn’t there.
“We can’t just walk down the road now, I suppose.” Rebecca crossed the room to look into a mirror by the wardrobe. Her face was puffy and streaked with dust, the restless night evident on her face. Stray hairs looped around her head. Her blouse was worn thin and stained with sweat. She unbound one braid and combed through it with her fingers. She braided it and attacked the other side.
The Lieutenant watched her with both eyes, but his mind was somewhere else entirely. Was he remembering Brynn, his sister and Rebecca’s mother? Was her hair this yellow? Did she wear her hair in braids? He rested his hands on the table with a sigh. “I haven’t done much to prepare you for court life, have I?”
Rebecca chuckled at this. “No, but you taught me how to stay alive. Isn’t that better?” She sat across from him and took his hands. They were rough and warm. “You and Aldo both agreed that I needed to hide until Mouthrot’s conspirators among the nobles could be found. You made the hard choice. I’ll figure out the rest. Somehow.”
The Lieutenant squeezed her fingers and looked out the window. We should probably discuss how you’re getting to the castle. His words echoed back in her head and she dropped his hands. “You’re not coming, are you?” Her voice shattered the morning silence. She stood and stared down at him, pressing her fists into her hips.
He shrugged and looked past her to where Benjamin and Denny bolted upright, bewildered. The Lieutenant motioned her to be quiet. She waved off the boys behind her.
“Where exactly are you going?” She scowled down at him. Her guardian’s main concern had always been to keep her safely tucked away. He must be plotting something. “This trip is dangerous. I would think you’d want to see me personally to the king.”
“I do,” her guardian said in a low voice, hoping that would calm her down. How wrong he was!
“But?” She flicked her heated glare at Odie as he walked through the door carrying a steaming pot of porridge. He nearly retreated outside, but the Lieutenant urged Odie in as if there were nothing wrong. The Lieutenant gave her a warning look that urged her to keep stray hostility away from Odie’s tender heart. She sighed and sat back down.
“Benjamin was ordered to see you to the castle,” he said as he shrugged an apology. “He was forbidden from taking any direct action against Mouthrot or Shreb, not me.”
Rebecca slapped the table so hard that her scream was more from the sting in her hand than her outrage at what her guardian intended on doing. “That’s because he thinks you’re in a dungeon!”
/> Odie set the pot down and slipped out the door. She pressed her hand into her skirt, hoping to squeeze all the pain from it. The Lieutenant tried to adjust the strap of his missing eye patch but bit his lip and scraped his hand against his stubble instead. She knew he missed his eye patch now. He couldn’t hide behind it.
“What are you planning to do to Mouthrot?” She stepped closer to him until she could make out the dirt outline of his old eye patch.
“Nothing. I swear.”
Rebecca guffawed.
“I’ll just keep an eye on him. Plus, I can create a diversion or throw his men off your trail—if needed.” He scratched the back of his head. “I can protect you better from here.”
All her words locked together in her chest as if she had a dam in her heart and nothing could get through. She was going to burst. Too many thoughts, too many feelings were flowing in, and there was no way for them to get out. She didn’t know how she felt about this, which only made the whole thing worse. Hadn’t she wanted something just like this? A chance to be on her own? Now that she got what she wanted, it didn’t feel as wonderful as she’d hoped. She felt something tear inside her. She slapped the table again and stormed out of the little house. The pressure in her chest twisted into a point that stabbed her heart.
Odie ducked against the post where Rina was tied. There was nowhere for Rebecca to go, even for a minute. She collapsed against the house. Odie scrambled back inside for his breakfast. Rebecca closed her eyes and refused to cry or scream. Instead she focused on the warmth of sun on her face. It was going to be a hot day again. She tugged on her braid until she felt the pain of it. The pressure in her chest ebbed enough that she could breathe again. She thought of her mother and father and wished she could ask them if this was the life they wanted for her.
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