by Desean Rambo
***
About thirty minutes later, we got to Sandra’s place. It was an older apartment building in a small deteriorating college town. In a past life, I would have probably been too afraid to wander such a place but nothing was going to stop me today. Tricia found a spot alongside the street in front of the building. This place was a bit weird because the apartments were built on top of one another with outdoor entrances. It looked like a cheap two story hotel.
I got out and paced the area. My heart was beating out of my chest. Rashon and Tricia followed me as we rounded the street corners around the building.
“Kate, are you ok?” Tricia asked. I was beginning to get lightheaded. I could feel my eyes wanting to roll in the back of my skull but I was not about to give up now.
“I’m fine. I’m fine,” I said. I scanned the area once again looking for the black Mustang.
“Hey, isn’t that him right there?” Rashon said from behind me.
“Quit playing,” I yelled back as I turned my view. He wasn’t joking. There was Justin in his car, pulling up to the building. A woman was in the passenger seat. They got out and walked slowly to the building as they talked closely. The tear ducts in my face started to well up. It felt like I got drop kicked in the chest. Tricia grabbed me.
“I’ll call that bitch out right now if you want me to,” she said.
“That’s ok,” I answered, as they got closer and closer to the door. I spoke up as she reached for the door.
“Justin,” I said. He stopped dead in his tracks. Sandra snapped her head at us. I slowly walked over to their direction.
Sandra was a grungy, thin Mexican girl. Before today, I’d only seen her online. She was maybe 5’5” with short, messy black hair and tattoos on both of her arms. She looked like she stepped right out of a punk rock band. On this day, she stepped right into hurricane Kate.
“Justin!” I yelled. He just looked at me. He said nothing. “Justin! What are you doing? You’re just going to leave and run down here with this bitch!”
“Who are you calling a bitch?” Sandra said as she stepped to me. Justin held her back.
“It’s alright. This is my… this is Kate,” he said.
“Your wife!” I yelled. “Your wife,” I repeated more calmly. I couldn’t take it anymore. The dam broke. My face was drenched in my own tears.
“I don’t need to talk to you about anything. You wasted your time coming down here,” Justin said.
“I don’t get it! We have one little fight and you disappear. We have one little argument and you leave me. I am your wife, who took you back after all that you did! Do you remember this?”
Justin breathed slowly from his nostrils. He struggled to maintain himself. “Kate. What’s in the past is in the past. You know what you did and why I left.”
I snapped at him. “As if you haven’t been f’ing this bitch!” I screamed. Sandra stepped up again.
SMACK!
I let her have a right hand to the face. It was on.
Rights and lefts flew as I tried to instill as much damage as possible to make her feel my pain. I kicked at her, clawed her with my nails, and swung with everything I had as Justin tried to break it up.
“Get off of me! Don’t touch me!” I hollered at him. My friends stood at the sidelines, waiting to jump in. Sandra continued to pull and scratch at me. She was tiny but came at me like she had four hands. The chick just wouldn’t give up. Eventually, we were separated.
“So what? Are you with her now?” I said as I caught my breath. “Is this what you want, Justin?” He said nothing as Sandra looked on. “Huh? Say something!” I cried. He stood silent.
The tears burned in my eyes as I looked at him, standing there silent. It was his way of saying I’m done. It was in that moment I knew it was over. The loving bright blue eyes that once longed for me now held no emotion at all. He had completely checked out of the relationship. His trust was gone. A piece of his soul was dead. Something changed in him the day he met James, something that I couldn’t repair.
I backed off the two as I turned to Tricia and Rashon. “Let’s go. I want to go.”
Tricia put her arms around me as we walked to the car. It was finally over. It felt like an atom bomb of disappointment went off.
“I’m sorry Kate,” Tricia said as we pulled off.
The following day, I drove in to my job from Tricia’s place and put in my resignation. It was time. It was time put the pieces back together. It was time to start a new life. I had to accept that Justin was over and life had to move on. I was free to stay with Tricia for a few weeks as I looked for a temp job to get back on my feet. I knew it was going to be hard but worth it in the long run.
***
“As soon as you sign these papers, everything is final,” Mrs. Powell said as we sat quietly at her desk. It was four weeks later and I hadn’t seen or heard anything from Justin until I got a random call from Mrs. Powell. Apparently, Justin hung on to the divorce papers I gave him and decided to sign, notarize, and deliver them to my lawyer’s office. He couldn’t even approach me for a divorce. The relationship was a cold war.
I took a deep breath as I signed my name next to his. Mrs. Powell stamped her seal on it, and it was done. I was officially divorced. It was the most anticlimactic event of my life. I thanked her for her time and got up to leave. She stopped me on the way out as she placed her round Coke bottle frames on her face.
“One last thing, I almost forgot,” she said as she pulled an unmarked envelope from her fuzzy fleece jacket. “I was told to give you this.”
It was a letter from Justin. I tucked the letter in my jacket as I headed out the door. The crisp spring air hit me in the face, as I felt somewhat renewed. Everything in my life wasn’t perfect but I had a lot to be grateful for. It was time to face whatever life had in store next. I pulled the letter out and read it under the afternoon’s sun.
Dear Kate,
Here is what you wanted.
For the record, I never misled you and I never stopped loving you. It’s just too great of a pain to be in a position where I cannot offer what you need. You deserve better. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I am a broken man at best and I will never give myself permission to forgive myself for what I’ve put you through.
Friedrich Nietzsche once said “To live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.”
I hope that you can find peace and meaning from our time together.
With love,
-Justin
FIN
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