Now he was all grown up just like her. He’d survived, just like her, made his way out of Woods Forest Park, just like her. Not too far, though; she heard he still lived around Portland. Never married, though. Some guys weren’t the type.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey,” he said. He smiled. “Happy birthday.”
“Thanks.”
Arnold had cleaned himself up. After that night, after she married Brooks, he went back to school. Something about that night shook him out of himself. He didn’t want to end up like her dad, lying dead in a trailer somewhere. He didn’t want that for himself. He got clean and he got out. He became a cop. He worked vice, just on the other side now.
She’d been scared at first, when she heard he was in law enforcement, but then nothing happened. He left her alone, until tonight. Why was he here? What did he want? What was he going to do with what he knew about what she’d done?
There was no statute of limitations on murder. Her father was a felon, and as much as she’d tried to run away from her past, it was always there, always there in front of her. Was that where she was going to end up? She supposed there were worse things than being poor.
“So what’s going on? I don’t hear from you for twenty years and now you show up on my birthday?” she asked.
“Is that a crime?” he asked.
“Fuck you,” she said, laughing. “Seriously, why are you here?” She shuddered. He was the only one who knew what really happened that night. The only one who knew what she’d done. “Do you need money?”
Arnold tossed his cigarette into the bushes. He shook his head, amused. “You can keep your money, birthday girl.”
“What, then? What do you want? Why are you here, Arnold?”
He shrugged. “I was feeling nostalgic. I heard about your party from Dani; she saw it on your Facebook page, wasn’t hard to find your address, so I figured I’d come and say hey.”
“Hey,” she said.
“I miss her, you know. Leo.”
“I do too. All the time,” she said defensively.
They both were silent then, remembering the girl they used to know.
“Anyway,” he said at last. “I came because I’ve got a present for you.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“I think I did,” he said. “I found it in an old storage unit.”
“What is it?”
He brought it out. It was her bag from that night. She’d left it in Leo’s room, in the pool of blood. She opened the bag, knowing what she would find. Her Polaroid camera and the photos. Leo. Her and Leo. Leo and Brooks. Leo and Arnold. Leo and Dave. Leo and her dad together. Her father reaching for the camera. Blood on the floor.
“Oh,” she said. “Oh my god.”
“It’s yours.” He yawned. “I thought you should have it. Destroy it, keep it, whatever.”
She zipped up the bag. She would destroy it. Burn it in a big bonfire. The kids could roast marshmallows on it. “About that night,” she said. “About what happened . . .”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Arnold said, waving it away, like it was nothing, like it never happened. “It never was.”
Maybe he was right. Maybe it could stay in the past forever, where it belonged. She wasn’t that person anymore. She hadn’t been that person in a long time.
FORTY-TWO
Truth (2)
October 20
The Present
12:50 A.M.
Madison-and-Lex had been successful in corralling the guests onto the bus, although a few had excused themselves and were headed back to the hotel, which annoyed Ellie. She liked a captive audience, or maybe she should have moved the party up an hour, so that more people would end up at the club.
She found Todd in the back, smoking a joint with Sanjay.
“Your creepy ex-boyfriend still here?” he asked. “Excuse me, ex-husband?”
“Long story,” said Ellie, rolling her eyes. She didn’t tell him about Arnold. One ex was enough for the night.
“Uh-oh,” said Sanjay. “Which one was he?”
“Fat bastard, looked like he came off a golf course,” said Todd.
Sanjay snickered and passed the joint over. She took a hit and exhaled. “Nah, he left. I didn’t tell him about the after-party.”
“Good,” said Todd.
“I should find Monica. We’ll see you at the club,” said Sanjay, who knew the rule for old friends was that old friends were the last to leave. He knew he wouldn’t be allowed to go to bed until the sun came up.
“What’s up?” asked Todd, since Ellie was just standing there, looking tense.
“The deal’s off. Harry’s company isn’t buying Wild & West.”
“Okay,” he said.
“We’re ruined. We won’t make payroll, or the shipment, or anything. We can’t keep it going, we’re going to have to sell,” she said. Somehow, knowing she wasn’t going to prison made going bankrupt that much more palatable.
“So we’ll sell. We’ll sell everything. Start over.” Todd seemed really calm about it, maybe it was the pot.
“That’s it?” she asked. “What about your art collection? The wine? The boat?”
“At least we have things to sell, don’t we?”
“Don’t you hear me? We’re ruined. We have nothing,” she cried. She was back to that girl in the trailer park.
Todd looked at her sideways, put his hands in his pockets. His linen trousers she’d bought from Rubinacci, the finest tailor in Milan, and they still fit him. Okay, so maybe he’d only gained ten pounds. It felt like fifty the way he moped around all year. “We have each other. That’s not nothing,” he said.
Ellie contemplated that. She remembered her earlier hysterics, the anxiety of seeing him flirt with a pretty young girl. She was forty years old now. How did it happen, how did she get so old? Yet he looked at her like she was still the babe in the braless tank top he’d met all those years ago, and she wasn’t even that young then. When they met, she was already a mom, she’d already lived an entire life, many lives.
Everyone cheats, her mom told her. But her mom was wrong. Todd hadn’t cheated. “You weren’t having an affair,” she said.
“And neither were you.”
They both laughed out loud. It was cathartic. They used to laugh all the time.
“So? Are we good?” she asked.
“Actually, I have a confession to make,” he said.
Oh god. He did cheat. He was a cheater. Ellie felt a stab in her heart. They wouldn’t survive this, and they didn’t have a prenup. She would never forgive him. But he wasn’t talking about another woman. He was talking about another job offer.
“You know how I got laid off at the network?” he asked.
“Yeah,” she said, her eyes narrowing.
“I wasn’t exactly laid off.”
She inched away from him. “Excuse me? You told everyone you were sacked. It was on Deadline!”
They’d let him go without a golden parachute either, not like all those assholes who were fired only to walk away with bazillions. She hadn’t been paying a lot of attention to it—it was his career; she figured he could take care of it. But she had been surprised to find he was unemployed with nothing to show for it.
“I quit,” he said. “I left. I was sick of it. I was sick of the whole thing. I couldn’t do it anymore.”
“You . . . quit?” she said. “You quit your job?” She stared at him. He hadn’t been fired? He’d walked away on his own?
Todd shrugged. “It was never what I really wanted to do.”
“But you were so good at it!” she said.
“Not really,” he said. “Ratings were down. We couldn’t compete with streaming. If I hadn’t quit, they would have fired me anyway.”
“You don’t know that.”
/>
He shrugged again. “Who knows.”
“So what do you want to do?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” he said. “Mostly kind of be there for the kids. I wasn’t around for Sam as much. I want to be there for Giggy, and the twins.”
“So if you quit on your own, why were you so depressed?”
Todd shook his head. “I don’t know, okay? Life is fucking hard.”
Life is hard. That was the fucking truth. Even if you had everything you ever wanted handed to you. She thought of those rich kids she’d gone to high school with; none of them were happy. And even if you earned everything you had, life was still hard.
“So, are you okay? Do you forgive me?” he asked humbly.
“For quitting?” she asked. “I don’t know. I guess. At least you weren’t cheating.”
“On you?” he nuzzled her cheek. “Never.”
She smiled against his cheek and sighed.
“Babe, you sure you’re all right?”
“I don’t know.” She pulled away. “I was just thinking about my old friend. Remember, the one I told you about? My best friend in high school?”
He tapped his cheek, thinking. “You mean Mishon?”
“No,” said Ellie. “Not her. Mishon and I were friends but not that close. My friend who had that thing with my dad, remember?” she said. Sometimes, she still felt like that poor kid from the wrong part of town. Todd had grown up poor too, but they hadn’t been poor the way her family was poor. He’d been shocked when she told him about her dad being in jail, and how he’d died, and what he’d done.
Todd remembered. “Leo, right?” he said.
“Yeah, the one who died,” she said.
“I know, you told me.”
“She died on her birthday.”
Todd nodded, and they were silent for a while.
“I feel bad she died,” Ellie said. “I feel so guilty.”
“Why?”
“Because I got to live, and she didn’t. I got out of that stupid town, and she didn’t. She didn’t even get to do anything, or become anyone,” said Ellie. “It’s so sad. You know, today is her actual birthday. I’ve been thinking of her all day.”
“Well, honey, it’s no use feeling guilty. Guilt is a useless emotion.”
“I guess.”
“Come here,” he said.
She rested her head against his shoulder and let him hold her. She was home. She couldn’t wait until the party was over and all these guests finally went back to their hotel rooms at sunrise, so they could be alone, together, so they could finally have sex.
FORTY-THREE
Never Say Goodbye
October 28
Twenty-Four Years Ago
4:00 P.M.
Leo’s funeral was huge. Almost everyone from the high school came. Teachers, students, the principal. It was so sad. Everyone cried. No one talked about how she was found or who was found with her. Mish tried to hide in the back, but Brooks held her hand and he took her to the front row, eyes straight ahead. He didn’t let anyone come near her, didn’t let anyone let her feel ashamed. She was allowed to grieve. She was thankful for that.
School was a blur. She’d gone, but she couldn’t remember anything. She didn’t even graduate; she would end up getting her GED when she moved back to New York after leaving Archer.
Mish’s family didn’t want a funeral. Her mom didn’t want one and her dad didn’t have many relatives; he was estranged from his dad, and his mom had died years ago. They gave his body to science, and afterward it would be cremated or buried in a mass grave where they put people who had no family. While only Mish knew the truth of what happened, her mom had an inkling of the truth, and the two of them agreed it was better if they forgot this man was even related to them.
“You know, Lita and I were pregnant at the same time,” Janet said. “And he’d dated her before me.”
Mish shuddered. Had he known? Did Leo? Everyone always said they looked alike, and they always joked that they were sisters. But were they? She decided she never wanted to know and it was better if Leo never knew either.
* * *
—
She remembered the last conversation she had with Leo. It was in Stacey’s house, right before they left the party. They were leaving Stacey’s room when Leo turned around abruptly. “Wait! I almost forgot. Here, take this,” she said, handing Mish a business card. It was a peace offering, a way to apologize for kissing Brooks, and it was the only thing she had to give. She didn’t want her friend to be mad at her. She wanted to give Mish something back.
“What’s this?” asked Mish.
“It’s a number, this woman, she approached me at the mall the other day, but she said I had to lose weight first. It’s for her modeling agency.” Leo shrugged. “I mean, I don’t know if she’s legit or not, but it’s worth a try, right?”
Mish narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Okay, but why are you giving it to me?”
“You should call her. You look like me. Hell, you’re even prettier. And skinnier.”
“What about you?” asked Mish. “Are you going to call her?”
Leo sighed. Would she call? She had planned to, but she felt like a balloon, deflated. She didn’t think she would. She didn’t want to find out the offer wasn’t real; it would kill too many dreams. “I don’t know. Probably not. You call. Call for me,” said Leo. “Promise?”
“Okay,” said Mish. “I will.” She put the card in her pocket. Leo knew Mish would call. Mish wasn’t scared of anything. If it turned out to be a scam, Mish would just laugh, she wouldn’t feel crushed. She would keep going, she would find a way out.
“Okay,” said Leo. “Good.”
“I love you,” said Mish. “You’re my best friend.”
FORTY-FOUR
The Birthday Girl
October 20
The Present
1:00 A.M.
Michelle Cuzo de Florent-Stinson decided Mish was a stupid nickname. The woman at the modeling agency was the first person to call her by her full name, Michelle, so that most people she met through work or the fashion and advertising world called her Michelle, and then an affectionate roommate from New York called her Ellie, and it stuck. She’d gone by Ellie so long that when Mishon (formerly Shona) Silverstein came back to her life and asked to be called by her real name, she understood. Names reflected where you were in life, marked the people who knew you at certain phases. To her husband, she was Ellie; to Blake, Elle (because he thought it sounded better than “Ellie”); to Leo, she’d been Mish.
Leo, who died at sixteen. She never graduated from high school. She never left Portland. Never left Oregon.
If she’d lived, would Ellie even know her? Would they be friends or would she be one of those people she blocked on Facebook because they knew too much of her past?
Mish—and yes, sometimes she still thought of herself as Mish, especially when Leo came up—felt guilty.
This was the life Leo had dreamed about.
This was everything she’d ever wanted.
“What’s up? You all right?” asked Todd. “Madison says we need to leave now or we’ll miss the entire thing.” They were standing in the middle of the hallway, in front of the pool doors; outside, the party was winding down, almost everyone had left.
“The night Leo died,” she said. “You know how my dad died too?”
Todd nodded. “Murder-suicide or something, right? He killed her and then killed himself?”
“Not quite.” She took a deep breath. She told him what she’d done. How she’d opened the door, how that moment had cost Leo her life. How her dad had shot Leo.
“I know,” said Todd. “You told me this on our first date.”
“Except that’s not the whole story,” she said. She told him the truth. About how her dad chased he
r, slipped and fell, and hit his head. How they didn’t call the ambulance. How he came to, and how she grabbed the gun and pulled the trigger.
“I was so scared,” she said. She was the one who’d done it. Maybe he would have bled out. Or maybe he would have survived. But she never gave him the chance. She made that decision for him.
“He was dead anyway,” Todd said. “And you did the right thing. Even if it had gone to court, you would have been innocent. You have the right to self-defense.”
“I guess,” she said.
“Well, I don’t guess, I know, and you know what else I know?” he asked gently.
“What?”
“It’s your birthday.”
“Technically, my birthday isn’t till next week,” Ellie reminded him.
“Right. But the party’s tonight. So let’s celebrate.”
She shrugged. “We’ve been doing that all night.”
“Yeah, and it’s not over till the drag queen sings. We’re not even at the first after-party yet, and it’s almost time for the second.”
She felt a small smile forming on her face. “Okay.”
“Okay.” He smiled, and he really was so handsome still, and she thought, no matter what, even with the ten extra pounds, she would always find him handsome, until they were old and toothless and drooling. Wasn’t that worth more than all the money in the world?
* * *
—
The house was almost empty, so it was a surprise when the door opened and one last guest appeared. It was Harry Kim, her would-be investor.
“Happy birthday!” he said.
“Harry! What are you doing here? I thought you said you couldn’t make it. I’ve been texting you all night, begging you not to leave me and telling you I need you, don’t do this.”
Todd raised his eyebrows. Mystery solved. Of course Ellie would only text so passionately to a business partner. It was classic Ellie.
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