She breaks into laughter again, which is highly contagious, by the way. My stomach hurts from laughing. My cheeks are going to crack from the pressure.
When we finally calm down, Mom lies on the bed next to me. I plant my head on my pillow, too.
“What kind of things do you want to do?” Am I holding her back? Being a single mom with a teenage daughter can’t be easy.
This kind of conversation is easier while staring at the ceiling.
“Ah, where to begin?” I hear the smile in her voice. “I’d like to go to the movies. Dad always thought it a waste of money. Maybe it is, who knows? But I want to try. Haven’t gone in years.”
“You haven’t?” How had I not noticed this?
“I’d also like to ride a bike. A real bike, not the stationary kind. I want to take it on bike trails, maybe a boardwalk along a beach somewhere.”
“Please tell me you’re not going to get a spandex bike outfit?”
“I was thinking of getting one just to wear around, anyway. You know, to parent teacher conferences and such?”
“You frighten me. Now please wipe that image from my head—what else do you want to do now that you’re a free woman?”
“Travel. I want to take you places. You know how Dad hated to go far, was always homesick. I want to drive cross country. Or get on a plane and find some random destination. Or go to the country for a weekend. Doesn’t matter to me what we do. I just want to do something.”
I leap out of bed and get out my old atlas from third grade. We spend the next few hours making lists of the sights we want to see, the places we want to go. Plans for the future.
It feels so normal, I completely forget about the craziness my life has become.
When I get ready for bed, I feel good for the first time in days. Maybe weeks.
Is it possible to hope for the future when you’ve been broken inside? Maybe life hasn’t knocked me out of the game quite yet.
Chapter Twenty-nine
When Monday morning arrives, my head is buzzing. Not with snakes, but with excitement. I kept my phone off all weekend, and having no contact with the social world did me some good. My snakes only tried to erupt one time yesterday, and that was while watching the news. (A story about a child rapist getting a teeny, tiny jail sentence. Hardly seems fair considering what the child will have to face the rest of her life.) I used the deep breathing techniques Ryder taught me, and it worked well. My mom didn’t seem to suspect a thing.
But then I have to go and turn my cell on before school. Message after message filled with promises from Zane, pressure from Jade (to hang out with her, to call her, to be a friend and stop ignoring her), to taunts from Jenny (“how awesome that we are both finalists for the grant! I’ll probably win; I am on a winning streak lately. But your idea is so cute! I hope something good comes of it for you.” Bite me.) Nothing from Ryder, and for some reason that burns in my chest. Nothing from Corey. Not that I expected anything, but I couldn’t dim the hope.
And a voice mail message from my father. Apologizing. He sounds sincere. And then he mentions that he and Jenny are going out for ice cream tonight and would I like to come.
My fury erupts full force. My phone’s battery pops out when I throw it against the wall. I whip my middle school soccer trophy at my mirror, splintering my reflection into hundreds of ugly pieces. Strength flows through me, enabling me to toss my bed as if it were nothing. I viciously tear everything off my walls, ripping every poster into pieces. My throat starts to feel raw from the screams I try not to let escape.
I slide to the floor, gripping the sides of my head. The pain is sharp, splintering.
It subsides as quickly as it came. I survey the room, shocked at the damage I’ve done. Fits of this magnitude are not in my repertoire. I need to clean up, fast. Before my mom sees.
Because if she sees the damage I’ve done, what I’m capable of, surely she’ll want to leave me, too.
Chapter Thirty
I watch the wipers as they force the rain to flow in unnatural directions up the windshield, and I feel a sort of kinship with the rain. Mom decided to drive me to school today so I wouldn’t get soaked on the way there, but I wouldn’t have minded. I deserve any cosmic punishment sent my way.
Mom stops trying to engage me in conversation after the fourth attempt. I don’t mean to be morose, but I can’t get those voicemail messages and my reaction out of my head. My thoughts are spinning in a nonstop cyclone, and I can’t slow them down long enough to make any sense of my life.
I can’t even summon energy to care about the grant. Who am I to think I could create any good in this world, anyway? I’m a monster.
I drift through my day, avoiding anyone who might want to talk to me. I haven’t seen Ryder all day, and the tiny part of me that still cares about anything feels a little twinge at his absence. He said he’d be gone a few days, but I guess I assumed he’d be back by Monday.
When I see Jade turning a corner in the hall, I duck into the bathroom before she can see me.
By the time lunchtime rolls around, my stomach is twisted in knots and I know I won’t be able to eat, so I hide in the library instead.
I’m perusing the darkest dystopian novels on the shelves when Zane comes strolling toward me. I turn to walk away, but he puts his hand on my arm and I’m immobilized.
A spark shoots through me, and it’s the first time I’ve felt alive all day.
Memories of Zane’s kiss come unbidden, and I’m reminded of the fierceness of his lips when they claimed mine before I escaped Meg’s hell. My belly tingles at the thought, and I’m suddenly swept away in the realization that Zane’s kiss has a potency that can help me forget life for a while.
Oh, how I need to forget life.
Surprise registers on Zane’s face when I grab the front of his T-shirt and pull him to me, not thinking of anything but the spark he can light in me and how desperately I need it. His lips are hard at first, but then soften, and he moans deep in his throat as I press myself closer to him, closer than I’ve ever been to a guy in my entire life.
I’m powerful, in control. When I shift my hips, Zane growls and tightens his grip on my arms. I wrap my arms around his neck and his hands move to my waist.
The whole thing is enchanting. The way I always imagined a passionate kiss would be. Not that I pictured it happening in a slightly secluded aisle in the school library, but everything else about this experience is perfect.
I bite Zane’s lip when he starts to pull away from me. When his eyes drift over my shoulders, I look back, then jump away from Zane when I see Jade standing there, clutching a lunch bag and looking irate.
Crap.
“Oh, so sorry to interrupt.” She doesn’t sound sorry, she sounds pissed. “I was feeling bad for you, so I searched the whole school to find you so you wouldn’t have to be alone. Didn’t realize you already had company.”
Jade glares at Zane.
“Here, I brought you lunch.” She flings the bag at me and stomps off.
The bag falls to my feet, which is where my pride seems to be dragging along, too.
I don’t get why she’s so ticked at me. I don’t get mad at her when she’s caught up in one of her boy-crazy stunts, nor would I ever dream of getting in the way of her and a hot guy and a make-out session. She should understand that I’m going through a ton of stuff and can’t deal with any extra drama right now.
I should talk to her. I don’t plan to apologize, but I should at least thank her for thinking of me and bringing me lunch, even if there’s no way I could eat it.
I start to walk away, tripping over the lunch bag. Zane pulls me to him again, interrupting my pursuit.
“Let her go cool off. She’ll be fine.”
I know better, I really do. She won’t be fine. Her anger will build if I stay here with a guy when she made her irritation known. It’s a violation of girl code to not run after her.
But before I can say a word, Zane’s lips are on min
e, and the world falls away. Living has never felt so good.
Chapter Thirty-one
Somehow Zane managed to get me to agree to a date with him for tonight. He kind of coerced me with his kisses and muscular embrace, but I’m excited nonetheless. I haven’t been on any real dates, so this is a special first.
Jade won’t answer my text, so I can’t get her approval on what clothes to wear. I settle for a casual outfit with my good-butt jeans, but I take extra time to do my makeup. My hair looks especially shiny after I brush it a million and one times, and with my lip gloss and the glow in my cheeks (brought on by thoughts of Zane), I think I actually look kind of pretty.
Since my mom would never agree to let me go out with a guy she hasn’t met yet, I wait for her to leave for a movie night out with her friend before I even get ready. When I’m sure she’s not coming back for something she forgot, I leave the house and practically skip downtown, where Zane and I are supposed to meet.
Will Zane be waiting for me, watching me approach him with a sparkle in his eyes? Will he have flowers for me? Is he starting to feel something more than “like” for me? He must feel something since he’s so attentive… He could score with any girl, girls who are far less moody than I, yet he gives me all the attention.
I swallow my disappointment when I arrive before him. I double-check the time. I’m a few minutes early. I hope I don’t look overly eager when he gets here. I consider taking a walk around the block to give him time to get here before me, but the sun is setting and I think I’ll get too creeped out roaming around alone.
I find a bench to sit on outside the ice cream shop. The aroma of freshly made waffle cones is killing me, reminding me that I haven’t eaten all day.
My phone keeps me company while I wait. He’s now officially late.
I consider going to The Shack, but veto that idea when I realize I’ll look like a social pariah.
I watch people passing by, laughing among their own groups, no one noticing me at all. Thank goodness. I feel slightly moronic sitting here alone outside a popular townie date spot, playing on my phone. I’m extremely appreciative for 4G at this point. At least I can surf the ’net while I wait.
An hour passes, and my foot won’t stop twitching. Did he stand me up?
Dumb question. The smart question would be, did I really think he could be that into me? I’m sure someone better came along.
Screw this, I’m not sitting around forever waiting. Even if he shows up now, he doesn’t deserve my time.
I push myself out of the chair, the metal legs scraping the pavement. I so don’t want to walk home in the dark, but who am I going to call? My mom doesn’t know I’m gone, and she’s not home anyway. I’ve alienated all my friends. I only have myself to rely on at this point.
A high-pitched, familiar giggle invades my private world.
Jenny.
And then the memory of my dad’s message rushes back to me, and I’m horrified to realize they were planning to go out for ice cream tonight.
I duck into the tiny local book-store, hiding my face, praying they didn’t notice me. I’ve never felt more pathetic. My belly churns, acid rushing into my throat.
Why didn’t I plan to meet Zane at The Shack? That’s one place I know my dad wouldn’t step foot in. He’s not a big fan of teens in general, but the idea of fluorescent-colored walls and loud Top 40 music really freaks him out.
Minutes pass, and I assume they would have made it into the ice cream shop by now. The loud drumming of my heart-beat abates, and I’m left to deal with the reality of my predicament.
Since there’s no one to call and my urge to escape has increased eight thousand percent, I straighten my shoulders and head back into the street.
I start walking, cursing at myself for believing this thing with Zane was real.
I walk a little faster when someone pulls up beside me next to the sidewalk.
“Leesh, what are you doing?”
Corey.
Words don’t come easily. A giant lump lodges in my throat. I’ve missed him so much, hearing his voice brings tears to my eyes. I so want to hug him.
“What are you driving?” I try to go for the casual approach.
“My uncle gave me his old Vespa. You need a ride home?”
“Is it legal for you to drive this thing? You don’t have a license.”
“Would I do anything illegal? Hop on. Quickly before we get caught.” He doesn’t quite smile, but I suppose that would be too much to expect.
I gladly climb aboard, and he drives me home. The ride is slow and I feel every bump in the road, but being next to my best friend warms my heart. Corey seems different, though, and I can’t put my finger on how. The silence is awkward and unnatural for us, but I can’t think of anything to say and he seems to have no desire to converse anyway.
Corey pulls up in front of my house and lets me climb off the bike. He stares straight ahead.
“Thank you so much. You saved me a walk up that ridiculous hill.”
“No problem. Take care.”
Dismissive, estranged, like he is an uncaring stranger.
I chew on my lip and try to think of a way to get him to look at me. Before I can turn around, he revs his little motor and scoots away. Out of my life. Again.
And yes, I know it’s all my fault. But that doesn’t stop my heart from shattering into even tinier pieces.
Chapter Thirty-two
First thing the next morning, I notice my usual friends still avoiding eye contact and my presence as though I’ve suddenly developed leprosy. Suits me just fine, since I have no desire to make small talk anyway.
Jenny and her snotty group snickering at me as I walk by isn’t exactly unusual, though she doesn’t even attempt to hide it today.
I start to get really suspicious, though, when Mrs. Smith pulls me into the nurse’s office to “check in” on how I’m feeling. She has pity written all over her face, and I unconsciously feel the top of my head to make sure the snakes aren’t showing.
“I’m fine…” my voice trails off, confusion wrinkling my brow. I do need to get to history class, so she’d better make this quick.
“I don’t want to overstep my bounds, and I know I’m not the counselor, but I’ve been worried about you with all your visits lately, and when I saw the student newspaper, well, I just wanted to check in to make sure you’re okay.” She chews on her bottom lip and twists the wedding ring on her finger. Why is she so nervous?
And then her words hit me. The student newspaper comes out today. Jade’s work, her passion. Her advice column.
I excuse myself and rush down the hall, where I snatch a copy from the table in the front lobby. I turn to page five, and there it is. The reason for the pitiful looks being sent my way.
Friendship Betrayals: Friends Letting Friends Down
Dear Peer Advisor,
I have a friend who has been my best friend for years, but suddenly chooses to blow me off. She doesn’t answer my texts, won’t call me unless she needs something, is having massive mood swings which she refuses to explain to me, and is hanging out with boys who are no good for her, rather than her friends who have been here for her all along. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to help her, but can’t take the hurt she’s causing. What should I do?
Signed,
Heartbroken in High School
Dear Heartbroken,
Believe me, we’ve all been there. All you can do is let your friend know you’re there for her, and maybe someday she’ll be able to see outside her own troubles to discover there are people who love her and care for her standing there, waiting.
It can be frustrating to give yourself freely to a friend, only to have her turn her back on you when you want to help, or when you need her for something. But don’t let it affect how you feel about you. I’m sure you’re a great friend, and if she thinks for one second she can replace a best friend with a boy friend, no matter how hot he is, she is wrong.
T
here are people in this world who are able to look past their own troubles to see the beauty of the friendships around them, and then there are the people who choose to embrace the darkness and pretend the world revolves around them.
Don’t be a hater, but don’t continue to put yourself on the line if your friend isn’t reciprocating.
And friend, if you are reading this and you’re thinking you may be the one who has turned your back on your friends, do yourself a favor and smarten up. Boyfriends come and go, but best friends are there forever. And sometimes the boy you’re meant to be with is right in front of you, but you overlook his sweet sensitivity for the allure of danger another may represent.
Well if that wasn’t the most thinly veiled “advice” column written…
My knuckles whiten from my death grip on the paper. My fingers push through, creating holes in the scathing words of my so-called friend. Anger lodges in my throat, burning like acid down my esophagus, into my gut.
How could she do this to me?
Did she think the entire school wouldn’t know who this is about? She didn’t even try to mask anything. Everyone knows we’ve been best friends since elementary school.
And everyone knows I’ve been playing a dangerous game with Zane, the bad boy.
I think the only reason my snakes haven’t shot out of my head yet is because I’m so deeply hurt. But that hurt is starting to turn to rage, so I know I need to get the heck out of here.
Or I can put on my happy face and head to history. Show them my dignified side.
Self-pitying thoughts fill my head. A true best friend would know that I’m going through some intense stuff. She’d suspect something isn’t right with my life. She wouldn’t assume I was being bad; she’d dig for the root of what’s changing me.
Maybe Jade was never a good friend, after all.
I duck into the bathroom, splash water on my face, and smooth out my hair. I apply a fresh coat of lip-gloss, practice my smile in the mirror, and prepare to join the world. Alone.
Chapter Thirty-three
I make it through history with the fakest smile I’ve ever worn. The gossipy looks seem to be disappearing, or maybe I just don’t care to notice anymore. I spend the whole period jotting down notes about the Black Plague, wishing I could create a plague of my own.
Teen Fury: Unleashed Page 10
