by Daws, Amy
“I’ll be back,” Liam says, looking a bit morose and follows in her wake.
Frank gets up next—his large fluff of bright red hair makes him impossible not to notice. I’ve met Frank several times with Leslie and have always got on well with him. He’s got an uncanny way of making me feel fabulous in my own skin.
“Right then. If ever there was a time for a bloody drink.” He buttons his denim blazer and straightens his bowtie, then turns to his date. “I think this party needs a bit of Ginger Sparkle. Lionel? Join me, love.”
Lionel nods woodenly and the two men saunter off toward the bar. Leslie’s friend Finley shifts in her seat next to me and grabs her cloth napkin off the table to dab around her eyes. Her husband, Brody, embraces her, then looks over at me. “You okay, Vi? Glad you came?” he asks, catching my anxious expression. Finley turns her vibrant blue eyes to me.
“Oh yes. I’m, erm, fine,” I stammer, nervously tugging up on the bust of my white gown.
The truth is Finley and Brody kind of intimidate me. They’re both American and I’ve met them a couple of times before, but it never gets easier. She’s tall, brunette, and drop-dead gorgeous. He’s even more of a conundrum on my verbal skills. He’s got to be at least six-two, and his mussed, curly, dark hair makes him look sexy in that “I didn’t even try” type of way. They look like a celebrity couple.
Finley and Brody moved here sometime last year and live with Frank. From what little Leslie has told me, I believe Finley and Liam had a fling at one point. But it must have been rather minor for them all to be sitting at a table together tonight.
Mustering a shred of my confidence, I ask, “Did you guys know all of that about Hayden?”
“Most of it, yeah. You didn’t?” Finley asks, her eyes looking sympathetic.
I shake my head. “No, Leslie’s never said a thing. Baby Marisa…Is she—”
“Named after Theo and Hayden’s sister? Yeah,” Finley finishes for me.
“Wow. When did she—”
“She died—” Finley begins to answer, but Brody interrupts her.
“I’m not sure it’s our place to say, Fin. Sorry, Vi. Nothing personal, but maybe Leslie would be better to tell you. Or, better yet, Theo or Hayden,” he adds sympathetically.
Nerves over seeing Hayden up close again take flight in my belly. He could be coming out any minute. Excusing myself to go freshen up, I make my way to the loo in an attempt to collect my thoughts. Once inside, I wait for a couple of older ladies to exit before bracing my hands on the counter and staring at myself in the mirror.
“Bloody hell, Vi. That’s him, all right,” I whisper under my breath. Preparing myself for our inevitable encounter, I stand up straight and smooth down my shimmery gown. I grab a tissue and dab the slightly smudged makeup beneath my eyes as I recall the first time we met.
Two weeks ago, I had just returned from a work trip to China when Leslie rang to invite me to the soft opening of a pub called The White Swan. Reyna and Liam are the new owners and had implemented several changes, so they wanted to do a dry run with some close friends. I hadn’t seen Leslie since she had the baby, but I’d been away from Bruce for too long and couldn’t bear to leave him alone my first night back. When she said I could bring him along, I sort of lost my excuse to say no.
On my way there, I happened to be rounding the corner at the same time as Hayden, and we slammed into each other like two freight trains. Bruce’s lead went flying, and the three of us twisted together like a fishing lure around a tree branch. It was a mess. I certainly did not inherit my brothers’ athletic agility. Bruce was lapping all over Hayden’s face. I didn’t even get a proper look at him until Reyna came outside and found us all tangled up.
As soon as we broke apart, we locked eyes and…it was weird.
Like, mega weird.
Like I knew him from somewhere kind of weird.
Hayden is tall and fit without being overly muscled. He has coppery blonde hair that is cut with a bit of length left on the top, which was stylishly gelled every which way. The angles on his face are chiselled and masculine; the tautness of his jaw is very stern; and his eyes…Bloody hell, his eyes. They are an intense grey that make him look both mysterious and dangerous.
He looked like he could see right through my clothes…and he liked what he saw.
When he introduced himself as Hayden, it didn’t ring any bells at first. It wasn’t until later when I was inside the pub that Frank told me Hayden was Theo’s younger brother. Then it all clicked. Of course he was Theo’s brother. They both have the same intimidating, brooding way about them. Aside from their eye colour—and Hayden being a bit taller and leaner—they really do look a lot alike.
The rest of the night, our gazes kept finding each other like magnets. And every time we locked eyes, he looked almost angry. I swear he even scoffed once, like he was annoyed by how often I kept looking at him. Me! The cheek of him considering he was molesting me with his eyes as well! I felt like a young girl on a playground who got sand thrown on her by a mean boy, only making her want to play with him more. I think the fact that we were communicating all this angry, sexual tension without uttering a word to each other was what made it so thrilling. It was like a silent, sexy game of cat and mouse. But I wasn’t sure it was two-sided. Watching him with everyone there, I could tell he was uncomfortable, like he was dying to leave.
Later, we both happened to be leaving the pub at the exact same time…
…Okay, I’m full of shit. I saw him getting ready to leave and I wanted to talk to him, so I decided to say my goodbyes then as well. What can I say? I’m glutton for punishment and the bugger was drawing me in with his sexy, half-mast, grey eyes. We stepped outside and I was just mustering up the courage to ask him if he wanted to grab a drink. Suddenly, Bruce stopped dead in his tracks right in front of me and off I went. Hayden caught me mid-fall in a close embrace, and I blurted out my awkward invitation. His bemused eyes turned icy cold. He quickly let me go and stuffed his hands in his pockets, muttering some unintelligible excuse. Without another word, he turned on his heel and took off, leaving me standing there like an absolute prat with my cock-blocking animal, Bruce.
The past couple of weeks, I sort of wrote him off. I assumed I was mental and had manufactured the odd chemistry between us. Now, after hearing him speak tonight, I realise I hardly knew a thing about him. He’s obviously got a lot on his plate, so I’m sure he’s not at all interested. Best to let sleeping dogs lie.
But, bloody hell, he’s still hot as sin and the darkness of him only adds to the mysterious attraction. I shake my head confidently at myself in the mirror. “Just a normal night, Vi. Let’s get on with it.”
I stride out of the ladies’ room with my head held high, and Leslie bustles past me in the dark hallway with a large tote thrown over her shoulder.
“What are you doing, Leslie? What’s that?”
“Oh, jeez. This is my freaking breast pump. My boobs are engorged to the point of blowing up right now! Look at them. Theo calls them my porn star tits.”
The corners of my mouth turn down as I glance at her cleavage that is spilling out the top of her red corset dress. “Wow, you aren’t joking. They’re massive!” I have to prevent myself from reaching out and poking the luscious mounds.
“Freaking nuts, isn’t it? I produce more milk than a Holstein. Anyway, are you having a nice time?” she asks, her eyes wide with curiosity.
“Erm, yes, I suppose. Leslie, I feel a bit odd. You never mentioned any of what happened to Theo’s family. I’m feeling like a bad friend.”
“Oh, Vi, don’t ever think that. When Theo and I got together, there was so much drama right off the bat. And just when things settled down for us, I got pregnant. I hardly even had time to confide in Finley.”
I nod solemnly knowing that Finley and Leslie have been best friends since childhood, so things must have been tense for her. “Okay, well, if you ever need anything, I’m always here for you. And I’m coming
over to meet Marisa tomorrow. I won’t take no for an answer.”
Leslie grins at me with a weird panic around her eyes.
“What is it?” My smile drops at the peculiar look on her face.
“I can feel my milk coming down,” she whispers in a choked tone.
My eyes drop down to her breasts in confusion. “Coming down where? What the bugger does that mean?”
“It means that I love you, Vi, but get the hell out of my way before I spray milk all over your pretty dress!”
I quickly step aside as she clambers into the loo. Just as I begin to walk away, the door pops back open. “Benji is at the bar. You might want to check on him. Oh, and remind me when I come back to work that I want to talk to Roger about us designing a fashionable breast pump tote, okay? I’m serious! Boob juice machines need to look fierce as well!”
AFTER STEELING MYSELF TO BE cool, calm, and collected again, I stride out into the ballroom where everyone is up and mingling about, refilling drinks and probably gossiping about everything I just said. It doesn’t surprise me. People are inclined to discuss whatever guest speakers had to say. My mission for speaking tonight wasn’t only to help bring awareness to suicide, but to prove to myself and everyone else that I am moving forward with my life. I’m fucking tired of being looked at like a ticking time bomb.
Theo sees me approaching and meets me halfway. “You all right?” he asks, his serious brow beneath his glasses even more defined than usual.
“Of course! I’m right as rain. Told you I could do it,” I sing with a hearty air of confidence to my voice.
He eyes me seriously. “I know, Hayden, but it’s just me you’re talking to.”
I pat his shoulder playfully and give him the smallest of nods. In one quick glance, we have our silent brotherly conversation that says he knows how hard that was for me and he’s proud of me for doing it anyway. My relationship with Theo has done a complete one-eighty in the last year. After the quad accident that took our sister’s life, we became somewhat estranged. I assumed it was because he blamed me for Marisa’s death, but the truth is Theo blamed himself for the incident. He claimed that if he wouldn’t have distracted me, I wouldn’t have looked away. We were a sorry pair of Clarke brothers for many years.
Theo is thirty-one now, which is five years older than me. Marisa was between us in age. Then there is our baby sister, Daphney, who’s nearing her twenty-first birthday. Our entire family was in a dark pit of despair for three years after Marisa’s death—me taking it the hardest, of course. I learned in therapy that some people are inclined to slip into the deepest holes of depression more than others. And I let my survivor’s guilt eat me alive and push away anyone who wanted to help me. My suicide attempt was the turning point for me, though.
Leslie was the turning point for Theo. She entered his life and that’s when everything started to change. I saw glimpses of Theo being happy again, and I felt sick over the fact that it made me feel even more alone than before. It was Leslie who brought him back to life. It is just a crazy coincidence that she happened to be the one to save mine as well.
“Come on. You need to give Mum and Dad some bloody attention. They’ve been twitching ninnies all night.” Theo claps his hand across my back and I sigh heavily as we make our way over to my slightly dishevelled-looking parents.
My mum trembles when she hugs me, clutching me tight against her robust figure. She always did give the best squishy hugs. My dad’s hand holds tight to my shoulder as Mum pulls away and looks into my eyes with the matching brown hue of Theo’s. “I’m incredibly proud of you, Hayden. So…so—” Her voice cracks and she covers her mouth to hide her cry.
I look away, trying my hardest to not roll my eyes. Daphney catches my gaze and offers me a meek smile from the other side of the table. Daph is the quiet type, but she’s got her own ways of showing me she cares, which often involves loads of texts.
“You all should go and get a drink. Try to relax. The scary part is over.” My mother looks at me and I shake my head. “I’m fine, Mum. I’m not going to break my sobriety just because you all are having a glass of wine. I haven’t slipped in a year. I’m not going to falter now.”
They eventually shuffle off toward the bar and Theo says he’s going to go check on Leslie. I decide to man up and brace myself for the table next to me. I approach to find Brody, Finley, and Frank and his date seated at the table. I briefly wonder if Reyna and Liam ended up leaving early.
I visit with them for a bit, and Frank does a proper job of lightening the mood. “Did you know that leather cuffs are a trending fashion in the lesbian community?”
“Frank!” Finley admonishes.
I huff out a genuine laugh and it feels fantastic.
“You know, Hayden,” Frank says, shuffling across the two empty seats to perch on the one beside me. He reaches into his breast pocket and hands me a business card. “I’ve been dabbling as a life coach for the past year now. I’d be happy to give you a free consultation if you’d like. Friends and family discount and all that.”
I look down at the card in my hand. It’s solid red with thick block lettering that reads: SAVIOUR IN RED. I smirk when I flip it over and read on the back: EVERYTHING LOOKS BRIGHTER WITH A TOUCH OF RED.
I glance up to ask if Frank is serious or not, but my eyes land on Reyna and Liam as they approach behind him.
“Hiya, Rey Rey,” I say with a lazy half-smile.
“Hey, Hay,” she huffs out a laugh and leans against Frank’s chair.
“Oxford! You smell divine!” Frank exclaims while glancing up at her. “What is that scent? Unfinished Business? Or, Bone to Pick? I can’t quite tell.”
She rolls her eyes and looks at me apologetically. “Got a minute?”
I nod and rise, buttoning my jacket as I follow her out of the ballroom. I glimpse back at Liam. He doesn’t look angry. He doesn’t look sad. He looks respectful.
“Do you mind if we go outside?” Rey asks nervously. “I could use some fresh air.”
“Sure…Everything okay?” I ask cautiously as we walk through the vestibule.
“Yes. I just…want to talk. Just the two of us without fucking Frank there making jokes the whole time.”
We step out onto the dark London sidewalk, illuminated by several golden landscaping lanterns. My eyes drift from the bright lights and peer down at Rey’s sunflower-sleeved arm—a tribute to Marisa she eventually told me about after everything that happened between us. We were best friends for years, yet there is so much we don’t know about each other.
She tugs at the thin straps of her black dress, securing them back over her inked shoulders. Her dark hair is pinned up in a formal do. She looks good. She always looks good. But right now, she also looks healthy, albeit nervous.
“Your speech tonight, Hayden—” she starts and I cut her off.
“Look, I’m sorry if there was anything I said that felt too personal. I honestly didn’t have it all written down. A lot of it was off the cuff.”
“No, it was great. It was real, and raw, and honest. I’m sure it was incredibly enlightening to so many people who are affected by similar things. Honestly, it was enlightening to me! I feel like I finally got a glimpse inside your head. I’m happy that you’re so open now and obviously doing so well.”
“Thanks?” I say, skeptically. “I’m sensing a ‘but’ coming.”
“But…I just…I can’t help but feel responsible for pushing you to your breaking point, Hayden. It feels like I pushed you to do what you did. That ‘shit hitting the fan’ was me, wasn’t it?” Her grey eyes blink nervously, the glow of the streetlight reflecting off her pupils.
I shake my head. “No offence, Rey, but don’t flatter yourself.” Her head jerks back quickly. “I don’t mean anything by that, really. Just that there were so many moments in time that led up to that night. You were only one.”
She purses her lips and nods, her brow crinkled seriously. “I wish I could have done more. Said something t
o change it all.”
“I wouldn’t have believed you,” I say, leaning forward and shoving my hands in my pockets.
She looks like she wants to say something more. She hesitates for an instant before asking, “But you believed Leslie?”
I huff out a sad laugh and shake my head. “Rey, you don’t understand. It took a stranger caring for me to get a fucking wake-up call. I was bloody drowning in guilt and depression over Marisa. I wasn’t letting anybody throw me a life raft. Including you. Even though I cared about you—loved you even—it didn’t matter. Nothing you could have said would have stopped me. Lust and recovery do not mix.”
She nods her head and looks down, picking at the cuticle on her nail. Her expression is troubled, but she doesn’t tell me why, and I’m not going to ask. Truly, we are two completely different people than we were back then. We have so many dark and complicated memories together, being mates would only remind us of all of that. Distance is best for Rey and me. That was glaringly obvious when I saw her at her pub opening a couple of weeks ago with Liam. Her finding Liam was the best thing for both of us. I’m done with the sorry bastard I was with her.
“So, no love on the horizon for Hayden Clarke then?” she asks playfully.
I laugh. “No, I’m putting myself at number one for quite some time. This is something I’m always going to have to work at. But I feel good. I feel at peace. Tonight felt like a graduation ceremony for me. Made me feel like I can be a normal bloke again someday.”
“I can see that.” She smiles and steps closer to me, grabbing the lapels of my jacket and pulling me down for a hug. She giggles softly at my awkward hunch and whispers, “I’m always here if you need me.”
I tuck my face into her and inhale deeply. It brings me immense relief when her familiar scent puts me at ease rather than making me feel love-sick. “I’ve always known that, Rey.” Despite how bad we were for each other, I’ve never doubted that.
