by Faith Gibson
“Anything,” Andy said, reaching for Bryan’s hand. He led him over to a stack of hay bales and pulled him down beside him.
“Why did you push me away that night?”
“What night?” Andy asked, frowning.
“The night I… the night we played poker. I came to your room when you were crying. Was it because you didn’t want me to see you so upset?”
“B, I have no idea what you’re talking about. The last thing I remember is throwing up outside after you disappeared to your room.”
“I had already gone to bed, but I had to take a piss. When I came out of the bathroom I heard you crying. When I went to you, you were telling me to get off you and to please stop.”
Andy turned his face away and propped his elbows on his thighs. “I was having a nightmare.”
“About me?”
“What? Of course not. Like I told you, I’ve wanted you since day one. No, my nightmares are always about…”
Bryan slid his hand underneath Andy’s shirt, skimming his fingers up his back. When he touched each scar and raised his eyebrows, Andy nodded but didn’t explain what happened that day with his ex-boyfriend. “Before I tell you about those, I need to ask you… are you sure, you know, about this? About us?” Andy turned his head so he was looking at Bryan.
“Yeah, I’m sure. I don’t understand it, but I want you.”
“Why? I mean, you’re straight, so why do you want me?” Andy was frowning, and there was a mist covering his blue eyes. “Is it because I’m convenient?”
Bryan wanted to pull Andy to him. Wrap him so tight he never doubted the sincerity of how Bryan felt. Instead, he propped himself on his forearms so he was mimicking Andy. He at least wanted to be face to face when he explained it. Or tried to, anyway. “When I was in the Corps, I saw guys together, and it would get me hard. I attributed it to the fact I hadn’t been laid in years and was horny. I’d go to jack off and try to think of one of the girls I’d been with back home. My dick wouldn’t stay hard. I’d remember the guys sucking each other, and my dick would perk back up. Maybe I’ve been gay my whole life and didn’t realize it. I was so busy working and taking care of my family that I didn’t have time to date. The few girls I fucked had hit on me; I never sought them out. I thought it was what young guys were supposed to do, so I went along with it, but I didn’t really enjoy it.
“I never once asked a girl out. I thought since the sex I had back then wasn’t very satisfying, it would only be exciting if I was with the one person I was meant to spend my life with. The few times I had sex, the girl did the pursuing, and I didn’t turn them down. The first time I saw you without a shirt on, my dick got so hard I thought I was going to pass out. You were so fucking sexy, and it scared the shit out of me. I wasn’t supposed to want you that way. I did my best to ignore it, but then I heard you… I went to the bathroom and, well, your door doesn’t latch. I heard you jacking off, so I listened. I’m sorry. I know that was invading your private time, but I couldn’t move. Then I thought I heard you call my name, so I went to the bathroom to give my dick some relief. I thought of Laurel, and when my dick started going soft, I thought about you. My dick hardened, and I came because I was thinking about you.”
“I really need to fix that door,” Andy deadpanned.
“I know I’m–”
Andy didn’t let him finish. He leaned over and pressed their lips together. When he pulled back, he asked, “Is that the only time you’ve spied on me?” Andy wiggled his eyebrows, and Bryan moaned.
“Honestly?” Bryan asked. When Andy nodded, Bryan felt the heat rushing up his neck and onto his cheeks. He hated lying, but did he really want Andy to know?
“Why, Mr. Moore, I didn’t realize you were such a voyeur. Tell me, what did you see?” Instead of Andy being angry, his eyes hooded with lust. Bryan’s dick jumped in his jeans at the thought of the toy breaching Andy’s hole.
“You had a toy… You were… oh, God. It was so fucking hot, Lily. You were fucking yourself with a dildo. I didn’t understand why, but I wanted to be on the bed behind you, shoving my cock in your tight hole.”
Andy went from turned on to tense. He stood and strode over to the horses, petting Callie. Bryan had been around Andy enough to know that it was one of his anxiety attack deterrents. Bryan couldn’t stand the haunted look on his friend’s face. He went to him but didn’t touch him. “I’m sorry. I assumed since you like toys and said you imagined it was me fucking you that you would be okay with me… We can…” Bryan stopped talking when Andy met his eyes.
Andy whispered, “I need to tell you a story. When I’m done, you’ll probably change your mind about wanting to be with me.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Andy
Andy walked over to where Bryan had ripped his shirt off and picked it up. “Can you put this on, please? You distract me enough as it is without being half-dressed.” Bryan took the shirt from him, allowing their fingers to touch. As much as Andy wanted to grab hold of Bryan’s hand, he knew in his heart he had to tell his best friend the truth of his past. The whole truth. He was excited at the thought of being with Bryan on an intimate level. He was also scared to death. This is what he’d been wanting ever since he met his fellow Marine. This is what he’d been waiting for ever since he figured out he was gay. That one person to complete him. Telling Bryan the truth could go either way, but he had a right to know what kind of person Andy was.
They had been together enough that Andy knew Bryan’s body language. Bryan was normally quiet, but now he was tense as he waited on Andy to talk. Bryan slid his shirt over his shoulders. The buttons were gone, so the shirt gaped open, showing off his massive chest. It would have to do.
After Andy told Bryan the truth about Patrick, he might walk away and never give them a chance at a relationship. Andy couldn’t stand the thought of never having another taste of Bryan, so he closed the distance between them, wrapped his arms around Bryan’s shoulders, and poured his love into Bryan’s mouth through a sweet, sensual kiss.
Andy had no doubt what he felt for Bryan was love. What had started out as friendship had grown into something so much stronger. Andy’s every waking thought was about his best friend, whether they were together or not. When Bryan was upset, Andy wanted to soothe him. When he was happy, Andy wanted to join in that happiness. Andy wanted the intimate times as well as just hanging out. He wanted to make love to Bryan and fall asleep in his arms. He wanted it all with his best friend. When Andy broke the kiss, he pressed his forehead to Bryan’s and took a deep breath.
“It’s okay, Andy. Whatever you have to say won’t change how I feel about you.”
Andy hoped that was true. “How do you feel about me? Before I tell you my darkest secrets, I need to know what you want, B. I need for us to be on the same page.”
“I care for you a great deal on a level that’s more than friendship. I want to see what this is between us. I’m tired of pussyfooting around each other when we can be like this all the time. Well, maybe not all the time. I don’t think Mal would appreciate if we slacked off on the job. But I don’t see him having a problem with us being together as long as we’re doing our jobs well.”
“What if it doesn’t work, though? What if we try this and you find out you really do like women? What if you want to have sex and I can’t let you be the one on top? Are you willing to let me make love to you, B? Because I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let anyone have that control over me again.”
“I’m not going to make promises I can’t keep. I try my best to always be honest. Do I think I’ll go back to women? No. I wasn’t that attracted to them in the first place. Am I willing to let you make love to me? Yes. Will I be upset that I’m not the one on top? Not upset, but I’ll be disappointed that I won’t get to show you the same tenderness I know you’ll show me. Does thinking about you fucking me scare me? Absolutely. I’ve never even had a toy in my ass, so yeah, it’s a big deal. But I’m willing to do that for
you. My feelings for you run deep. You and I are best friends. We like the same things. We know each other’s moods. Most of the time we know when to back off or when to step in. The only thing we don’t have that people in a relationship do is the intimacy. I want it.”
Bryan touched his fingertip to one of Andy’s eyebrows, smoothing it down. He traced the contour of Andy’s face so gently Andy barely felt it. Bryan cradled Andy’s face in his palm and continued, “I hate going to sleep across the hall from you. I want to lie down with you at night. Hold you while you drift off to sleep. Kiss you when you wake up. I want to be able to hold your hand while we’re watching TV. It’s the little things we don’t have now that I want. I’m probably getting ahead of myself, but I want someone to spend the rest of my life with.”
Andy’s heart filled to the brim hearing Bryan describe how Andy was feeling. He pulled Bryan’s hand away from his face and led him from the barn. “Let’s take a walk.” It would be easier telling about his past if he didn’t have to look at Bryan while he was talking. Moe and Curly ran out the back door and trotted alongside them. Mal’s bedroom light was on, but Andy wasn’t worried about Mal. He’d already asked Andy if there was something going on between them the morning after they played strip poker. Andy had asked Mal if he’d be okay if there was, and he said he thought they would be good for each other.
Andy laced their fingers together as they walked down the driveway toward the road. There was a security light on the barn as well as one close to the mailbox. Between the two, the driveway was lit up most of the way. Andy took a deep breath and said, “I knew early on I was gay. Christy and I grew up together. We spent the night at each other’s houses and slept in the same room until we were old enough that our parents put a stop to it. I always thought of her as the sister I never had. When I reached puberty, I was like every other boy my age. I figured out I liked jacking off, and I did it often, much to our housekeeper’s dismay.
“When I accidentally saw Christy naked, I didn’t think anything about it, but like I said, she felt more like a sister than a best friend. At school, I began to notice how one of the boys in my class smelled. I’m pretty sure it was his father’s cologne. Or it could have been aftershave. All I know is my dick thought he was delicious. It bothered me at first. I’d not thought too much about my sexuality, but I began paying attention. I stared at the girls’ boobs. I got close enough to smell their perfume. I even kissed a girl after school as a test. I felt nothing. I didn’t have to test myself around guys. I was naturally drawn to them, and I accepted I was gay.”
When they reached the gate, they turned and headed back. Andy led them to the front porch where they could sit on the swing together. He remained quiet until they were side by side. Bryan reached for his hand again, keeping them connected. “My grandfather is old money and old values. He never held his tongue when it came to gays or people of color.”
“He’d fucking love me,” Bryan muttered.
Andy laughed and gently nudged Bryan with his shoulder. “From the day I was born, I was groomed to take over the family business as well as the family name. I didn’t rock the boat. I snuck around with a boy who was also gay. We didn’t really like each other, but it was convenient for both of us to make out or jerk each other off. Then one day, I met Patrick. He was in college and seemed like he had his shit together. I couldn’t believe he was giving me the time of day, let alone flirting with me. One thing led to another, and we started seeing each other. It wasn’t hard to hide it from my family. Patrick had his own apartment, and I would meet him there when I was supposed to go to the library. I made good grades, so not studying when I was supposed to didn’t hurt anything.
“This went on for about six months. Things got intense. I thought I was in love, and I thought he loved me back. We never went out on dates, but I was okay with that. I was glad to hide in the closet, because I knew how my family felt about gays. Anyway, one day when I got to the apartment, another guy was there. Patrick introduced him as a fellow classmate and said they were studying. A few days later, I went to the apartment, and Clark, that guy, was there again. When Patrick was out of the room, Clark pressed me against the door, started rubbing my dick, and tried to kiss me. Patrick came in the room but didn’t say anything. Instead, he stood there watching and rubbing his dick. When I protested hard enough, Clark let me up and he left.
“Patrick pouted, saying I’d ruined the fun. I was too stupid and naïve to believe they’d never done anything without me there. When Patrick and I started fucking later, he got a little rougher than usual. He tried to convince me it was what couples did – they explored in the bedroom. Since he was my first and he was older, I believed him. The next time I went to see him, Patrick said he had a surprise for me. Told me to get undressed and wait for him on the bed.” Andy stopped and looked at Bryan. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”
“Only if you’re ready to tell me, Babe. I’m here for you, either way.”
Andy nodded. He’d never told anyone the whole story. Not even Christy. Maybe it was time to let the demons out. “I need for you to know this before we go any further.” Andy took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and told Bryan what he’d never told anyone. “I did as he said, and when he came into the room, he had me lie on my stomach. He put a blindfold over my eyes and tied my arms to the headboard. I struggled and decided I didn’t want to play his game. He reached between my legs and started stroking. The more I begged to be untied, the tighter his fist got. Before I knew what was happening, I felt a sting on my back. It was painful, and I yelled, demanding to be turned loose.”
Andy swallowed hard. “He… I… There were four more strikes across my back with a whip. Not a crop. Not a flogger. A goddamn whip. Each strike harder and deeper than the one before. During this time, Patrick thought it would be a good idea to have sex. There was nothing I could do to stop him since I was tied up. After he finished with me, Clark decided to fuck me raw. No condom, no lube, no warning. He ripped my ass open. When Patrick untied me, I lost it. I threw myself at him, but he was so much larger than me. He punched me several times. By the time he was finished, I had passed out. I woke up being dragged from a car and tossed onto my parent’s front porch. You know the rest.”
Andy couldn’t look at Bryan. The man was already about to break his hand from squeezing so hard. He dropped his chin to his chest and let the tears he’d been holding in fall to his lap. His silent crying turned into sobs, and Bryan pulled him into his arms. Bryan didn’t say anything while Andy purged the memories from his mind through his tears. Bryan held him close, pressing kisses to his temple and rubbing small circles on his back. When the last of the tears left his eyes, Andy wiped his face. “I’m sorry.”
Bryan gently tugged on Andy’s chin and forced him to look up. Andy had never seen his best friend this mad. “Don’t. Don’t you fucking apologize for what those motherfuckers did to you. They raped you, Andy. They raped you and beat you when you told them no.”
“But I willingly laid down on the bed,” he whispered.
“Then you changed your mind. That is rape. Did the doctor not file a report?”
Andy shook his head. “I didn’t tell him that part. He only treated my back.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you get checked out?”
“Because I was scared! I had already been kicked out of one home. If Christy’s parents knew I’d been sneaking around having sex, they’d have kicked me out too!” Andy yelled. He shot to his feet and stalked to the other side of the porch. Moe and Curly followed him, whining. Bryan was at Andy’s back immediately, wrapping his arms around Andy, pulling him into his body.
“I’m sorry. I’m just pissed at what happened to you. I understand now.”
Andy shook his head, the tears falling again. “I’m damaged goods, B. You don’t want someone like me.”
“Don’t tell me what I want. Me not wanting you because of your past is like you not wanting me for mine. My father’s a murderer, and I
am nothing more than a mutt who has absolutely nothing to offer you.”
“You’re everything to me,” Andy protested as he turned to face Bryan.
“And you are everything to me. I hate what happened to you, but it doesn’t define who you are. You put that shit behind you and became a Marine. I happen to know how tough that is. You were already broken, and you joined the one group who strives on breaking a person down even further. You are the strongest person I know, Andy Holcomb.” Bryan cupped Andy’s face and kissed him gently, returning the love Andy had given earlier.
When he pulled away, Bryan’s face returned to furious. “But I am going to kill the motherfuckers.”
Andy probably shouldn’t have laughed, but he couldn’t help it. His heart swelled with Bryan’s protectiveness. Christy had been the only person in his life to get mad on his behalf, and she didn’t know the whole story. He needed to call her and talk to her. He had talked to her briefly a few times over the last couple of months, but he needed to really talk to her. Maybe one day they could plan a trip and meet somewhere in the middle of Texas and Kentucky. He wanted his two best friends to get to know each other. “I want you to meet Christy,” he said causing Bryan to frown.
“Uh, okay?” Bryan had been talking murder, and Andy switched topics on him.
“I was just thinking that you and her are the only two people who’ve ever been pissed for me not at me.”
“Don’t forget Suzette. I think she’d probably give your mom what for if they ever got in the same room.”
“She would, wouldn’t she? Mal’s lucky.”
“That he is. But so am I.” Bryan settled his hands on Andy’s hips, pushing him against the porch rail. “Are there any more secrets you care to divulge while we’re purging? I want everything out there now so we can put it all to rest and move forward.”
