by Rob Jones
“Well, I’m going to drop Nana off at home so that she can get her rest; it’s been a pretty eventful day for her. I’m going to lay low myself today as well. Having my nights spilling over into the mornings has left me spent.” He retrieved his keys from his front pocket. “Let’s reconvene tomorrow. I will see you on the other side of the dawn. Love you, bro.” He got into his car. Ligon responded accordingly.
Chapter Four
Zoe
“That Ethan guy sure was full of himself,” Zoe commented. “He acted as if he was God’s gift to music, church, fashion, and I’m sure women. Sure, he does have an interesting look about him, but his hubris and attitude left a lot to be desired. If ego was a drug, he would have overdosed several times over. I mean, with every breath I took it felt as if I was breathing in his arrogance like second-hand smoke. His cockiness was off the charts.”
“I thought he was so cool. With all his tattoos and his shades, he looks like that guy that sings that Fly Away song, you know the one who played in The Hunger Games movies,” Roman added. “They both were awesome. I want to play in a band someday just like those two guys.”
“Well, little brother, you can play in a band, but please stay humble and treat others as though they matter and with respect. If you can do that you will be successful no matter how big or small your band is. Model yourself after…” She paused. “Hmm, what was that guy’s name who was with Ethan? Oh, Ligon. He seemed very humble and down to earth, non-threatening. Be like him, Roman.”
“I need to learn how to play the guitar first.”
“You continue learning the violin, and once you show some progress in that we will think about a guitar,” Abby replied.
“There are no violin players in rock bands, Mom.”
“The Beatles used a violin in the song ‘Eleanor Rigby.’”
“The who, Mom?”
“The Beatles. Haven’t you heard of them? I know that we played them in the car numerous times. But I guess with your earbuds being in your ears during car rides, you’re off listening to God knows what.” She shook her head quickly. “Your dad and I are going to have to introduce The Beatles to you, son. I’m afraid that we haven’t done our parenting job properly if you don’t know who the Beatles were,” Abby suggested with a smile.
“I just can’t get over how disgustingly arrogant Ethan was. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen anyone that is so self-absorbed.”
“That’s the second time that you mentioned him. I think you like him, sis,” Roman suggested. “I don’t think you are appalled by him at all. I think that you are red hot for him.”
“That is absolutely ridiculous.”
“Zoe likes Ethan, Zoe likes Ethan,” he teased.
“Shut up, you pint-size germ. He’s not even in my lane.” She gave him a playful nudge.
“Liar, you are totally into that dude. You want him to sing to you on a beach under the stars.”
“Whatever, doofus, you are so extra.”
“That’s enough, Roman. Your sister doesn’t have time for boys in her life right now. Music and graduating from Belmont is all that she needs to focus on,” Charles added.
“I am beyond excited to be starting Belmont tomorrow, Dad. I was a little worried that the classes I took at DuPage wouldn’t transfer, but I remembered what you told me: ‘If it’s God’s will, He will make a way,’ and He did, so now here I am, ready to get my music degree.”
While continuing their drive home, Zoe found herself being preoccupied with thoughts of Ethan, thoughts that invaded her mind and slightly disarmed her defenses. Even though he was drenched in narcissism and cockiness, she hadn’t been able to help but notice how he doted over his grandmother with such affection during the meal in the fellowship hall. Maybe all that bravado and swagger was just a cloak that veiled something a little more deferential, a compassionate heart that was blooming in secret, preparing to love and to be loved. She gave a hollow sigh. Somehow that just didn’t ring true to her. He was trouble, a whole lot of trouble, and that was something she could not entertain. For her, music and school were all she needed.
From a young age her parents had always conveyed to her that in order to accumulate success, in order to be true to your goals, you must edit and delete any obstacles, and anyone that would pose a threat and impede what you are trying to achieve. As a result of her self-discipline, being goal-oriented, and not to mention that she was an innate introvert, a normal childhood of having friends, going to high school games, attending dances, going to the mall with girlfriends, or just having a day of vegging out on some TV show was not a luxury that she could afford. For her, a nonexistent social life was pretty much the norm. Boys were really not a high priority on her list. She once gave love a try and it left a scar on her heart and a bitter taste in her mouth, so boys and love had been placed on the shelf for now. God, seclusion, and music were her constant companions.
But as of late something inside of her had been awakened from its slumber, a desire stirred and quickened her to go beyond her comfort zone, to loosen the shackles from the tyranny of schedules and goals, to escape from the embrace of isolation, to a world where she could experience life, community, and, dare she say, a little fun. She was slowly shedding the skin of a creature of habit to a creature of divergence. The transformation of Zoe was now engaged.
***
Ethan
“Goodnight! You guys look like you spent a few days in the county jail, all disheveled and scruffy,” Bella communicated with dilated pupils. “Are you all still trying to recover from Saturday night? Jeez, it’s Monday afternoon, for crying out loud. You guys rolled in like the walking dead; either you’re getting too old to party all night or you need to slow your alcohol intake.”
“I was up all night writing new material, and then I had to get up early this morning to go pick up Nana for her appointment and run errands for her. That’s my excuse, what’s yours?” Ethan sat down, stretched his legs, and crossed his arms.
“You mean what’s my excuse for looking so stunningly fierce and sexy? Well, that’s easy, because I’m no longer with you, darling. Boom!” she countered.
“You need to go to the free clinic and get disinfected to make sure you’re not contaminated, Ms. Smorgasbord.”
“That’s rich coming from someone who reeks with the aroma of skankness. Your whole body needs to be fumigated from the cesspool of skank bait you have been trafficking through. You’re so basic and vapid. Just a walking cliché.”
“Basic? You of all people should know that there is nothing basic about me, baby, you best believe that.”
“Oh no, here we go, you got him revved up now, Bella,” Owen said.
“I am electric, eclectic, and magnetic. My swagger is lethal. I have personality in spades, and when we were together I made you relevant and significant. I gave you an upgrade and elevated your status, but I’m not saying anything that you don’t already know.” Ethan let out a long, lazy yawn.
“You are absolutely right, you’re not saying anything, nothing but hot, inflated, and pompous air. All I know is that you need me far more than I need you,” Bella responded with her arms folded.
“It sounds like you two are still carrying a flaming torch for one another. Why don’t you guys just take all that passion, put it to use, and get married like Keira and I have, and call it a life.” Wes twirled a drumstick in between his fingers.
“He wishes.”
“You know you would marry me in a hot minute.”
“I would rather lick the inside of a boy’s locker room for the rest of my life than to be wedded to this serial narcissist. Besides, I need a lot more than what you had to offer when it comes to…” She paused and turned to wink at Wes and Owen. “Well, you know.”
The room got so quiet that you could hear the thoughts of a fly. Ethan’s eyes narrowed in response to being stunned and embarrassed by what he thought was a below-the-belt insult, literally. White hot heat pulsated through his veins as vengeance
began counseling him. Kidding or not, attacking his manhood in front of men was the epitome of disrespect and he was not one to tolerate it. This would not go unnoticed, especially when they both knew what she just said was a total lie. She would receive a heavy dose of the poisonous venom from his lips.
“If you two can’t play nice I’m going to have to redirect your behavior by putting you both in timeout,” Owen said.
“Ah, he knows I was just kid—”
“Sweetheart, everyone in here knows that couldn’t be further from the truth. What I was presenting to you was legendary status, it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I promise that you will never be filled with ecstasy the way that I filled you. And for the record, I considered you a charity case. If I didn’t pluck you from your obscure, pathetic world, you would be wallowing in a drug-infested existence just like your family, smoking meth until death, and I’m quite sure you would be living out a new motto: a family that smokes together chokes together. Mmm, mmm, mmm, talk about family values.”
“You are a heartless piece of—” Bella broke off with compressed lips. “Everybody in here knew I was just playing with you. I can’t believe how shallow and insecure you truly are. I’m going outside for a smoke, meeting will start in fifteen!” she concluded angrily, her face flushed with color, her breath ragged as she walked out the door.
“Don’t you think that was a little heavy handed? You were entirely too hard on her,” Wes suggested. “She was only joking around with us, man, giving us the business like she always does, and you took it personal, verbally stripping her naked. You don’t realize how brutal you can be with your words, or maybe you do realize it but you just don’t care. You need to make it right and apologize to her for acting like a temperamental baby. She didn’t deserve one single word that you said to her, Ethan. Oh and, by the way, I would encourage you to develop a filter and think before you speak.”
“If or when I apologize to her it will be on my own terms, in my own time, not because you’re standing there mean mugging me, demanding that I do it. You will get no results from me with that approach.” Ethan got up and began to pace back and forth.
“Ethan, you need to get over yourself real quick before you lose everything that you’ve worked for. You’re supposed to be the leader of this band, but you’re acting like a dictator. You’re acting like we all have to cower down and be subservient to your every whim, like we’re less than you.” Wes’s face turned red. “Well, I have news for you, brother. That dog don’t hunt. We are all equals in this band, including Bella, and we all need to treat each other with respect and love. You see, being a leader means to lead by example, to make everyone around you better, to inspire, to elevate and impact others, not to lord over or to tear people down. You’re better than that, so be better and expect better from yourself. I will follow you anywhere. Heck, we all would follow you anywhere—to the abyss and back—but first you need to know where you’re going, Ethan.”
Wes’s words cut Ethan to the heart, so he began to bite his bottom right lip to keep his emotions in check. In the silence he quietly took inventory of his actions toward Bella, and a sense of empathy infiltrated his heart that capsized his disposition. He knew that Wes was correct in his assessment about how he treated Bella, and how his behavior was a legitimate threat to his and the band’s success. A change must occur within himself; he must be willing to sacrifice his ego, his volatile language, and his selfishness for the betterment of the band. He questioned if he had the strength and the fortitude to relinquish who he was, and not to wrestle for control over every detail in his life and the lives of others, but, more importantly, not to take things so personally to where he felt that he must go on the attack like a lion protecting his pride.
Control had been his chaperone ever since his parents died. He felt that if he could control his environment, his surroundings, that the pain he felt when they died wouldn’t be so formidable, so threatening. By being in control, by building a barrier, a wall of indifference, the venom of pain could not secrete as easily to his heart.
“I’m going to get Bella so that we can get this meeting started and over with.” Ethan walked out of the room into the heated sky where the sun’s golden rays became eclipsed by descending clouds clustering together as though they were having a forum to summon the virgin rain. Darkening long shadows slowly took dominion over the streets, over the blocks, and over the town. To his surprise he saw Ligon’s slender frame, tousled blond hair, and sapphire eyes that were dilated and bloodshot, enveloping Bella in his arms. Ethan swallowed hard and then walked up to them. He could smell the smoke and the late-night that reeked from Ligon.
“Ahem, Lig, could you excuse Bella and me, please?” Ligon gave him a disappointing head shake, wrinkled his face, and gave Bella a kiss on the forehead, then walked inside The Black Dive.
“Bella.”
“Not now, Ethan. I don’t want to hear anything that you have to say at this time. I am beyond fatigued with your voice right now,” she finished vehemently.
“Please listen to me. I am truly, truly sorry about my conduct. I was totally out of line in there, and very irresponsible with my words and my indignant attitude.” He moved from her side and stood directly in front of her. “I had no reason or excuse for saying those thoughtless, terrible things to you. I know that you were just giving me the business and I was just too much of a coward to take it. Sometimes my emotions and pride take over and begin to speak for me. You definitely did not warrant any of that and I apologize from the depths of my heart.”
“I can’t believe how cruel you can be at times. You take an innocent, joking moment and turn it into World War III. You wield your words like a sharp dagger and pinpoint your target, and jab them so deep that a person begins bleeding out and is left for dead. I’ve witnessed it before, but I was never on the receiving end of your verbal assault. Now I know how it feels to be emotionally injured. You just went for my jugular.”
The silence between them was thick and palpable, which made each second that passed by seem like an eternity. He wished that he could have taken back every careless word that escaped from his mouth. He could barely look at her as he saw the hurt in her eyes.
“You knew that my family drug history was a sore subject for me, and how that’s a painful and shameful time in my life. For so long I tried to enshroud it in the dark recesses of my heart, but you took it upon yourself to trespass and violate my emotional boundaries by dredging up those devastating, hurtful memories even though you knew how that would unnerve me and get under my skin.”
She started to walk away. She stopped, turned around, and looked at him with a look of revulsion.
“You can be so temperamental and unrelenting when you get threatened or if someone comes at you in an unflattering way, even when they are just playing around with you. What happened to you, Ethan? You have become so uncaring, nothing like you were when we were together. When we were together your words were so sweet and tender, they dripped like the sweetest honey from your lips, and they blanketed me like the warmth of a thousand suns and melted away the frost of a cold, troubling day. You could be the most generous, giving, and enchanting person in the world, but as of late you have bought into this lie that in order to be an authentic rock musician you have to have this bad boy quality, to have that I-don’t–care attitude, to be angry at everything and everyone, but all you’re doing is manufacturing an artificial angst.” She sighed and lit a cigarette in her trembling hands. “This really can’t be you. You’re just trying to fit into this alter ego suit that you see all your musical heroes wear.”
His gaze fell to the ground like a little boy being scolded by his mother. He had no quick defense, no clever response to her acute assessment. All he could do was receive the verbal blows that bruised his ego and accept that his behavior was that of a prima donna on opioids. He nibbled on his lip, then reached for her hand and took it in his.
“Bella, you are absolutely right. I’ve been caught up
in my own hype, trying to be something or someone of value, but instead I’ve become a hideous cretin. You are such an amazing, talented, and beautiful woman, you have enriched my life in so many wonderful ways, you are my compass when I get lost, and my guiding light when darkness surrounds my heart. You will always be important to me, and I promise I will never treat you or talk to you in a disrespectful manner ever again. My word is my bond.”
Ethan’s voice trembled with sincerity while he hugged her as they stood in the drizzling rain.
“Come on in, you two, get out of this rain and let’s get this meeting started,” Owen said.
Chapter Five
Ethan
“Jesus Christ is the benchmark, the apex, the standard for humanity, the measure that orients everything that is created. He is the ultimate meaning for our lives, he is our purpose!” Pastor Edward said, sweating profusely behind the pulpit. “It was St. Augustine who stated, ‘You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.’ The point that St. Augustine is making is this, that our pursuit for true joy, true love, true peace, and true life is futile until we capitulate and surrender our hearts to God.”
Ethan, paying the consequences of staying up until two in the morning all week writing songs about and musing over Zoe, found himself in a battle of trying to stay awake at church. With weighty eyes and a bobbing heavy head, he could feel himself conceding to the tyranny of slumber, to the point where a succession of snores affirmed his humiliating defeat.
With a distinctive nudge from Helen’s elbow, Ethan regained focus just to find a little boy who was missing his front tooth chuckling and pointing at him. Ethan feeling sheepish stuck out his tongue at the little boy. Discreetly, he looked around to see if anyone else noticed his less-than-stellar moment, and wouldn’t you know it he saw Zoe with a look of annoyance on her face.
