by Rob Jones
“I’m going to miss you something terrible while I’m on the road.” He reached out to caress her face.
“You won’t miss me. I know that you are extremely excited to be on tour living out your dream, having all those…” She paused to think. “Those nice, adorable girls screaming out your name.”
“You and I both know that’s not true. Those girls won’t be nice or adorable.” He presented her a shy smile.
“You are terrible.” She gave him a playful push.
“We better get going,” he suggested.
They drove around for a while, joking, flirting, laughing, emotionally exploring one another, and stealing kisses at stoplights. They talked about authors, music, politics, their past, their future, their ambitions, their hopes and fears. They pulled into the parking lot at one of Ethan’s favorite restaurants J. Alexander’s. He got out of the car, walked over to Zoe’s side, and opened the door for her.
“Now see, that’s how a real man treats a real woman. You need to take some pointers from him,” a bouncy middle-aged woman said to the older man who was with her.
“You need to pump your brakes and recognize who you’re talking to, female.” He glared at her.
“I knew I should have chosen your brother instead of you, you broke-down Samuel L. Jackson wannabe.” She walked ahead of him, opened the door to the restaurant, and left him outside. He stood by the door, took out a cigarette, lit it and shook his head.
As they walked up he looked at Ethan, glanced at Zoe’s ring finger, and then returned his gaze back to Ethan.
“Don’t get married. It will take years off your life. Trust me. People sometimes think that I’m her father and we are the same age.” He opened the door for them. “You two have a nice dinner.”
“Thank you, sir,” they replied in unison.
“That wasn’t awkward at all,” Ethan said.
Chapter Nineteen
Zoe
“That possibly may have been the best food that has ever entered my mouth,” Ethan proclaimed as they left J. Alexander’s.
“Yes, it was delicious and the service was pretty decent as well. That’s very important to me.” Zoe got in the car while Ethan held the door for her. He walked over to the driver’s side and got in. She reached and grabbed his wrist before he put his mirrored shades on. “You have had this twinkle in your eye all through dinner. What have you done, mister?” She knew that when she saw that special look in his eyes he had done or was planning on doing something over the top.
“Whatever do you mean, angel cake? This sparkle in my eye is a reflection from the brilliance of your beauty that I see every time I look at you.” He caressed her hand. “Especially tonight in that banging dress, you are a vision. Your beauty is arresting and your scent is intoxicating. It’s like a long, beautiful dream that awakened a thousand flowers that were eager to bloom in springtime. I must confess that I am encountering an intimate hunger that I never knew existed before you, Zoe, a hunger that only could be fed by your appealing presence.”
“I must say that you have a way with words, Ethan. I believe that poet’s heart of yours is what makes you so intriguing, and so endearing.”
“Well, I am a songwriter.” He smiled as she laid her head on his shoulder. They arrived at the Schermerhorn Symphony Center. He reached inside of his black suit coat and lifted out a pair of tickets. She looked to see what they said on them.
“Mahler’s 5th with the Nashville Symphony!” She let out a high-pitched shriek. “I knew you had something remarkable planned, I just knew it!”
“I remember this playing at your home the first time Nana and I came over for dinner. You said that this was one of your favorites.” His gaze settled on her.
“You remembered,” she said softly. “I love…” She searched for patience, hesitating, not wanting to hear those three words escaping so quickly from her lips, knowing that she was just experiencing being a prisoner of a special moment.
“I love that you remembered that. It really means a lot to me, Ethan.” She started twisting her hair.
“It means more to me because I live to place a smile in your heart.” He tenderly placed his hand on her face, leaned over, and slowly rained soft kisses over her face.
Not once had she experienced such deep emotions like this. Just the thought of him moved her to tears of elation. She regarded him fondly with a faint smile hovering around her mouth. Was she truly in love here? Was he the one she’d been waiting for her entire life? To completely lose herself in someone so that she could find herself in that someone’s heart, in that someone’s eyes, to see herself unreservedly, to concede herself entirely to someone who was worthy. But the question that kept gnawing at her was if he was worthy.
“We better go in now, I’m feeling a little physically vulnerable,” she muttered. They walked in just in time to see the orchestra perform the first song. He held her hand throughout the whole concert, only releasing it to clap whenever it was called for. When the concert ended, she walked out deeper in love than she was before she walked in. The music from the concert had left her in a serene, tranquil state, it felt as if she had experienced an emotional and spiritual massage that manipulated her senses and made her heart pliable and favorable for that real possibility of being in love.
“What an exceptional night it has been,” she commented. “The weather is uncommonly perfect for this time of year, and the dinner, the concert…everything was so lovely.” She paused. “The company, well, I guess it was acceptable.” They both laughed.
“Whatever. You know the company was the best part of your night,” he asserted. “It’s still somewhat early. Would you like to go to my place and watch a movie? I have to convince Sue that you truly exist. He thinks that you are a figment of my imagination.”
She let out a small, uncomfortable sigh. “I don’t know, Ethan.” A jolt of anxiety and desire coursed through her like a vigorous river. He’d never asked her before. Why now, why tonight, knowing how reserved and demure she was? He always made an effort not to infringe on her scruples and told her how he respected and found it refreshing how principled and virtuous she was, that it made her more attractive, more appealing.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have even suggested it. I know that you don’t trust me enough to be alone with you at my place.” He took her hand. “But I can assure you that I have no hidden agendas here. I would never violate or undermine your convictions. I know how important it is for you to stay faithful to the vows you made to God. It’s just tonight has been so incredible, and I’m not ready for it to end yet, that’s all.”
“I don’t want tonight to end either, babe, and I do trust you.” She rubbed her arm. “It’s me that I don’t trust.” He turned toward her and lifted his eyebrows. “Um, I’m just going to be honest. Lately, it has been dangerously difficult for me not to be intimate with you, Ethan. I have never struggled like this before with anyone.” She faced the window. “Thoughts of us being together have been lingering in my mind, you wrapping your arms around me, kissing me, touching me in secret places, and then invading me under the midnight stars. I have to ask God to forgive me for these seductive thoughts.” She felt color surfacing on her face. “If it’s this difficult for me and I don’t even know how or what it feels like, I can only imagine how hard it has to be for you. I mean you’ve done it before. I’m sure that you’ve been with countless women, and you can be with countless more.” She sighed with relief.
Admitting her fears and weaknesses to him somehow put her at ease and emboldened her. She felt like she had arrived in a safe place. But she couldn’t help but wonder how many women he had actually been with. She could never bring herself to ask him because she was afraid of how she would feel if he told her. Ignorance was definitely bliss in this situation. It was easier to imagine that they would get married and she would be his first.
“If you’re not comfortable being alone with me in my apartment I totally understand, trust me.” They stopped at
a stoplight. “The time that we have spent together tonight has been more than enough.” He didn’t comment on the women that she had mentioned, or how difficult this was on him. This concerned her. Was he reconsidering his decision to be in a relationship with her? Was he longing for the physical intimacy of being with other women because she reminded him of the mountain of flesh that he could climb? Was she putting too much pressure on him to be abstinent? But that was good for him. Perhaps God was using her to be the impetus to turn his life around, she reasoned. Ethan was saying all the right things, being transparent and honest with her. She could see an inkling of a change in him. Should she risk going over to his apartment? She knew he wouldn’t lay one inappropriate finger on her.
“Are you okay over there?” Ethan broke up her thoughts.
“Oh yes, I was just thinking that it wouldn’t be the worst idea to extend the night with you.” She surrendered a smile. “But I’m leaving right after the movie, got it?”
“Got it,” he agreed.
***
“Calm down, boy, calm down.” Ethan bent down to pet Sue, who was barking, jumping, and wagging his tail wildly. “Okay, Zoe, you can come in, he won’t bite.” He hesitated and looked up at Zoe as she stood in the hallway. “Too hard.”
“Ha, ha, ha. Not funny whatsoever,” she retorted.
“Zoe, this is Sue. Sue, this is Zoe. Say hello to our guest.” Sue let out an enthusiastic bark. “He is so excited to finally meet you, he said. See, buddy, I told you that she existed.” Sue barked again. “Yes, I know, she’s more beautiful in person than the way I described her to you.”
“You need to quit, Ethan.” She turned away with a smile.
“So what do you think of my rock pad?” He made a gesture as if he was a real estate agent showing off a new home while he gave her a tour of the apartment. “It’s pretty boss, wouldn’t you say.”
“It is exactly how I imagined it would be.” Had she stepped into a music video? It was as if Kiss or Led Zeppelin were about to emerge any moment now. Hmm, gotta love this man-child. “It has you written all over it.”
“Thank you, angel cake,” he said.
“Here, have a seat and make yourself comfortable while I pick out a movie for us.” He rummaged through his collection of Blu-ray discs that were in a small cabinet underneath the TV.
Zoe’s head was spinning faster than usual. She felt that she was out of her mind being isolated with him. This was a big mistake.
“Ah, got it. Walk the Line, this is a great movie. Have you seen it?” He gave her the disc case to observe. “It’s based on the life of Johnny Cash, and it also has a romantic love story that is weaved into it. I know how much you girls get your hearts swept away by them.”
She offered no response.
“Zoe, Zoe.” He waved his hand in front of her blank stare.
“Oh yeah, romance, it’s the cornerstone of any good chick flick,” she commented half-heartedly.
“Are you okay? You look as though you wish that you were somewhere else.”
“Let’s just talk for a while,” she said, fearing that if they began to watch the movie, they would start cuddling, then moves would be made leading to that one move that would fill her with regret. So talking would be their buffer, a line of defense.
“Okay, what do you want to talk about?” he responded with uncertainty in his voice.
“Tell me something that you have never shared with anyone before.”
“Ahem, w-w-why?” He stuttered. “I mean, what brought this on, Zoe?” He frowned with confusion in his eyes.
“I just thought that we would peel back the layers and become a little vulnerable and transparent with each other on an emotional level.” She twisted her hair while he bit his bottom lip.
“You want us to get a little vulnerable, huh?”
“If this proposal makes you uncomfortable, I understand. I know that you are a very private person who likes to keep things locked up.”
“Yeah, you could say that I shrouded myself in mystery so that no one can truly know me, including myself, ironically.”
“Okay, to put you somewhat at ease, I’m a little uncomfortable with this too, but I’m willing to take a chance and give you a slight opening of who I am, or at least who I think I am, because I think that you’re worth it.”
“I think that you are worth it as well and if I can’t open up to someone like you, who can I open up to? And what would that say about our relationship and what we are trying to build with one another? Superficial, shallow talk will only take us so far. Besides, this was a challenge and I don’t shrink from challenges, but since I am a gentleman, I will have you start the revealing session and share something that you’ve never told anyone. But first I’m going to pour myself a glass of wine. Can I offer you one as well?” He walked into the kitchen.
“Yes, I think I might need one.” Wineglasses clinked as he retrieved them from the kitchen cabinet. He poured them both a glass of merlot while an unfamiliar silence stretched between them.
“Here you are, love.” He handed her the half-filled glass.
“Thank you.” She took a sip. “Mm, very nice.” She took a bigger sip to steady her nerves. She placed the glass on the table.
“Whew.” She let out a distinct sigh and slapped her thighs. “This is something that I haven’t told a soul, not even Tori. There was this guy that I dated before I moved here, he lived next door to us and he led worship at my old church. We shared a lot of things in common.” She shifted in her seat.
“We prayed together, read together, played music together, we could finish each other’s sentences. We always had a good time with each other, we were practically inseparable. We were totally in sync. I thought I’ve found my soul mate and my true love. Then suddenly things took a dark turn.” She picked up the wineglass and took a moderate drink.
“One day he asked me to come over to his house because he had something important to give me. I naïvely assumed that he was going to propose to me and give me a ring. Boy, was I sadly mistaken.” She rolled her eyes. “That was the furthest thing from his mind. When I got to his house he had this fiendish look in his eyes. I walked in and he slung me into him and started kissing me aggressively, harshly, devoid of any tender affection. Ahem.” She sunk into her seat.
“You don’t have to continue if this is too hard for you.” Ethan placed his arm around her.
“No, I’m okay. Anyway, I could smell the alcohol on his breath even though he tried to blanket it with mouthwash and Altoids. And I’m pretty sure he was hyped up on something else too. He led me to his room, and as he was kissing me, I opened my eyes and saw in the reflection of the mirror his computer was playing a video that had naked girls and guys in the act. I was in complete shock. He told me that he thought it was time for us to elevate our relationship, and be the way that God intended us to be, naked and unashamed. I pushed away from him, but he slammed me down on his bed and tried to force himself on me.” She looked past Ethan with a blank stare. “He rose on top of me, groping me, grabbing me. I was shaken to the core. Then all of a sudden he stopped. He turned his head because he heard his mother coming in. He cursed and looked at me, applied pressure on my neck and said if I told anyone about this, he would put some naked pictures of me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I thought he was out of his mind. He couldn’t possibly have any pictures of me. Boy, was I wrong again. On his phone he had pictures of me dressing and undressing. He was sneaking outside my window and taking pictures of me at night.”
“What a world-class pervert.” Ethan got up and poured himself another glass of wine then sat back down next to her. “Surely he didn’t get way with this.”
“At first he did. But not too long after that he got arrested for doing much worse to other girls. I just happened to be the first. Thank God his mom came home before he could violate me.”
“I am so sorry that you had to experience that, Zoe.”
“Yeah, me too.” Sirens sounded
in the background and Sue ran to the window and started barking uncontrollably. “Sue, no speak, no speak,” Ethan commanded.
“All right, I believe it’s your turn to share, mister.” Zoe swirled the wine in her glass.
He smiled uncomfortably. “Did my nana tell you the circumstances that led to my parents’ deaths?” He stood up and put his back against the wall.
“No, only that you found them.” She broke off, wanting to choose her words carefully. “In a ditch.”
“Well, my father played in a famous Christian rock band and I always used to beg to sing in his band. After a thousand noes, he finally said yes, so he let me share lead vocals with him. And it was the greatest thing in the world, my dad and I singing in the same band together. You know that he was the one who taught me how to play the guitar and drums, but he could play a plethora of instruments. The drums, bass, violin, and guitar, he was incredibly talented, he was the Prince of the Christian music scene.” Ethan smiled as he took a long, intentional drink.
“The night that they died, we had a big blow-up. I was going to go to prom on the same night that our band was to play at this big church youth concert. My dad was a stickler for finishing what you started. He was a gentle, loving man, but he was a man of principle. The thing is I told him weeks before that I was going to prom, but I forgot to tell him what day it was on, so when I told him that night that I was going to prom and I wouldn’t be able to sing with the band, he was less than enthusiastic about it.” He adjusted his position.
“He was not having it. He said that I needed to honor my commitment not only to the band, but to God, that I was to be a light for those kids that night, that I had an obligation. I pushed back and told him that it’s not every day that a freshman is invited to go to prom, so I was going to go. He was livid and he laid into me something fierce.” Ethan began to nibble on his bottom lip.
“So I called Robin. That was my date’s name. She didn’t answer, so I left her a message on her phone that I would be late but I will be there. I figured that I would make a compromise with my dad. I would do a few songs then head out to the prom. He wouldn’t give an inch, so I said screw it and I took off and went to the prom. But get this.” He almost spilled his glass of wine when his hands became animated.
