by Elle Linder
“Well? I’m waiting for an answer.”
“Just stop!” Julia rolled her eyes.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me.”
“I know what you’re trying to do, so just stop!”
“Do you? Like you knew what Luke did without hearing him out? Are you a mind reader now? No, no, a psychic? Oh-oh, wait! You’re God.” Lauren laughed softly, mocking her.
“Why are you being a bitch to me? I thought you wanted me home? If this is supposed to win me over, you’re failing!”
“If being a bitch means wanting the best for you, then yes, I’m a bitch. What I want to know is why are you lying to me after you left him because you believed he was lying to you? When did hypocrisy become okay with you?” Lauren stared her down.
“I have never lied to you! Luke…” Her voice broke saying his name. “He was going to lie to me; I know he was.”
“But he said he’d tell you the truth. Has he lied to you before?”
“Not directly, but he forgot to tell me a couple of things.”
“Forgetting is not the same as lying. I don’t know who you are anymore. I mean, I know things are complicated with him and his kids, but I heard you on the phone. As much as I hated thinking I’d lose you to a lumberjack, you sounded happy and in love. You love him, and you ran away from him. You didn’t give him a chance. Why?”
“Please stop.”
“I will not. If you love him, you’re supposed to fight for him and your relationship.”
Julia nodded as tears rolled down her face.
“Just admit you love him and you’re scared. And maybe what he needed to tell you was hard for him, and you shut him down.”
Julia put her face in her hands. Everything Lauren said was true, right down to being in love with Luke. “But the thought of Luke kissing his ex, touching her…it kills me. It disgusts me. Like, acid has taken up residence in my throat.” Julia’s sobs returned. “Because he’s mine! I don’t want to share him! I don’t fucking want to share him!” She stood from the sofa and paced. “Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear? That I love him? I love him, and I can’t lose him.” She collapsed onto the sofa.
“But, honey, you threw him away, so you don’t have him anyway.”
“I know, I know,” she cried. “What do I do?”
“That’s simple. You go back there and get Luke. You listen to him and you finally consummate this relationship once and for all.”
“I don’t understand. Just the other day you didn’t want me with him. You said his baggage would be my forever.”
“Yeah, but seeing you like this tells me you really do love him. I won’t stand in the way of love. If he did cheat on you, I know you’ll dump his ass in five seconds flat. But you need to find out the truth, babe.”
“What if he hates me for leaving?”
“If he does, apologize to him.”
“That’s it? I don’t know how to do this.”
“Why don’t you just call him?” Lauren suggested.
Julia shook her head.
“Then text him.”
“I might be able to do that, but what would I say?”
“Gimme your phone,” Lauren demanded.
Julia handed it over.
“How about…” Lauren typed out a text. “I’ll be back tomorrow. I want to talk.”
“What do you mean tomorrow? My flight is Thursday.”
“Tomorrow is Valentine’s. Do you really want to be away from him on your first Valentine’s together?”
“You can’t be serious. After the horrible mess that exploded in my suite last night, returning on the most romantic day of the year would ruin it for me, maybe for the rest of my life. I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. It’ll be okay. Think makeup sex.” Lauren bobbed her eyebrows up and down. “Now send it.”
“How much will it cost me to change my ticket?”
“Knock it off! You can afford it. Now send.”
Julia took a deep breath. What did she have to lose? She pushed the send button. “Okay, done. Now I have to change my ticket.”
Ten minutes passed with no response from Luke. Julia had changed her flight in the meantime, but now she was worried. Maybe Luke did hate her.
“Why do you think he hasn’t responded?” Julia asked.
“Maybe he went to bed early? It’s after ten now, and being a man of almost forty, don’t they go to bed by nine?” Lauren teased.
A small smile appeared at the corners of her mouth, the first since Lauren had arrived home. “Always the smartass. I love that about you.”
“I’m glad you think so, and I’m glad you’re feeling better. But I have one more question.” She finished off the last of the wine.
Julia prepared herself. When Lauren turned serious in a split second, there was no predicting what she would say.
“Can you really be third on his list, after his kids and ex?”
Julia clasped the sides of her head, her fingers kneading her scalp. “Why are you asking me that after I’ve already sent the text?” She stood from the sofa and paced. Each time she passed Audrey, she glanced up at her.
“If I asked you before, you wouldn’t have sent the text.”
“Damn straight I wouldn’t have!”
“Julia, you love him and that’s wonderful, and I want you to be happy. I know you have been, but that’s when it’s just the two of you. What about when his kids visit? What about when he goes to visit them? You need to think about all that before you see him tomorrow.”
Julia plopped down onto the sofa. “What would you do?”
“I’d at least try to make it work with him, but I wouldn’t make any promises to him or yourself. Don’t need him. The second you do, you’ll lose yourself. You’ll sacrifice yourself for him. And if he doesn’t do the same for you, it’ll be like dying a slow, painful death. Know your expectations and don’t waver from them. If you don’t stay with him, you can always come home.”
Julia went to bed exhausted. Lauren’s words filled her head at an overwhelming rate, but one thing remained clear. She loved Luke.
Would love be enough for her to stay?
TWENTY-TWO
So Much Regret
Julia held the entrance of the lodge in her sights. The carvings of the pine trees and lake in the massive doors were gorgeous, and just beyond them was the man she loved. She had listened to his voicemail a dozen times. The first few times she had cried over being so far away from him. After that, she had cried for hurting him. The pain in his voice was real and not masked. The tough Marine had been vulnerable and weak, and he had sounded broken.
Her heart thumped in her chest as she wondered if they could get through this. She took a cleansing breath and rested her forehead on her hands, gripping the steering wheel tight. The fear of seeing Luke paralyzed her.
What would she say? What would he say? Maybe they wouldn’t speak to each other. She and Lauren had talked about this moment ad-nauseam.
Unfortunately, they hadn’t discussed the tremors in her body or the twisting of her stomach and pounding of her heart. Then again, could such feelings be predicted? Not likely. Nor had she been able to predict falling in love with a lumberjack. A lumberjack. It was nonsensical. And because they made absolutely no sense, could that be the reason they worked?
After another cleansing breath, she still wasn’t ready to go inside.
A soft tapping on her window startled her. She lifted her head as Luke peered in with a grief-stricken expression. The memory of the first time they’d met on that cold night in January flashed in her head. My how the situation was vastly different this go around. Her hand trembled as she turned the car off.
Luke opened the door. He extended a hand to assist her, but she didn’t take it. Her independence took center stage, attempting to prove she didn’t need his help. Even so, her eyes dropped to the ground out of fear she would cave under pressure; she knew her limits.
“Your bags?” He sighe
d, crestfallen by her rejection.
“In the trunk, but I—”
“I’ve got them,” he interrupted with resolve, so she opened the trunk.
Julia closed the car door with her hip and leaned against it. What do I do? This couldn’t be more awkward.
At any moment, she might break down into a puddle of tears on the ground. That would make it even more awkward. Then she felt his presence behind her—close behind her. He inhaled her scent, and her eyes burned with tears.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered into her ear.
She turned to face him, and the glossy sheen in his eyes made her heart stop. Before she could say anything, the moment was interrupted.
“Hey, Boss-lady.” Calvin waved.
Julia turned toward him, returning a small wave, but Luke was unmoved, drinking her in, just inches from her, as the heat from his body penetrated every fiber of her.
“Let’s go inside,” Luke directed. “I’ve handled everything here so that you could have the rest of the day off…so we could have the rest of the day off.”
She looked up at him, unable to speak. Where had all her words gone?
When they entered the lodge, Erika waved while Calvin smiled in her direction. They didn’t seem to want to engage her beyond a simple greeting. Luke looked their way, and they all had knowing looks. Why?
The awkwardness from outside returned as Luke led the way to her room. Were they doing this now? Minutes after she arrived? She unlocked the door, and he pushed it open for her to walk in. Then he followed in after her.
I guess we’re doing this now.
Several steps into the room, she was taken aback. Not only was the gas fireplace on but a meat-and-cheese tray with crackers was on the coffee table, surround by fresh berries, two bottles of Merlot with actual wine glasses, and a single red rose in an antique bud vase.
Her eyes shot to his. “What is all this?”
“We aren’t leaving this room until we talk about everything.” His commanding voice and the look of determination in his eyes made her shiver. He set her bag down, removed his coat, and tossed it onto his overnight bag. She furrowed her brow, looking at his bag. “Even if it takes all night. I’m not leaving this time.”
She stared at the red rose as he slipped off her coat. After he hung it up in the closet, he sat down on the loveseat, filled the wine glasses, and waited for her.
Julia was stunned silent. If he wanted to talk, did that mean he believed they would be okay? Had flying off to L.A. been unnecessary? Would they not be like this if she had listened to him? She crossed her arms over her chest and turned to face the door, filled with embarrassment…or maybe it was guilt.
“Please, sit down,” he said.
“I’m overwhelmed,” she softly admitted. He came up behind her but didn’t touch her. Just feeling his presence nearly set off her tears.
“Come sit down, have a glass wine, and we’ll start slow. I’ll do all the talking.” He lightly gripped her waist, guiding her to the loveseat, except she sat in the adjacent chair instead. He sighed, running his hand over his beard like he did when frustrated, then handed her a glass of wine and sat on the loveseat.
Silence filled the air while they drank the wine. The fireplace glowed in a romantic dance of flickering light while Julia’s mind raced. Luke had done all this. The way he’d looked at Erika and Calvin made sense. They had probably helped him.
His overnight bag by the wall made her remember what it felt like to sleep in his arms. She had loved the rise and fall of his breathing, his hands holding her close, and waking up to him next to her. It was her world made perfect.
But then it had all imploded when Alaska happened.
Julia chewed on her lower lip, deep in thought. Luke hadn’t moved a muscle. Her brief trance was enough to help her center herself, and the wine helped too. She looked at him and nodded, indicating she was ready.
“Is there anything you need?” he asked.
She shook her head.
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs, shortening the distance between them.
The distress in his eyes turned her stomach, but she had promised Lauren she would listen to the very end before reacting. And the truth was she wanted to hear him out this time. Seeing him again brought back all her feelings of love and regret. In self-preservation mode, she had hurt him. That wasn’t okay with her.
“I’m going to get straight to the point. When you made me leave,” he began, “I couldn’t finish telling you what happened. Watching you fall apart because of me, I hated myself for hurting you. I froze, dying a slow death, and I turned into a fool—a brainless, speechless fool. I shouldn’t have left. I should’ve stayed. I’m sorry.” He paused to gulp down some wine. “The incident I mentioned between Renee and me was unwanted.”
Julia watched him struggle to get the words out, and something in her changed. Smoldering anger and worry grew in her, and she didn’t know why, but hearing the anguish in his voice put her on alert. “Go on…” His eyes lifted to hers.
“I ignored her after she barged into the guest room while we were on the phone. Now I know she was high on coke when she came into the living room. Not that it makes anything okay. I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t. Thinking back, she was wearing a red lace tank and perfume. I think she even had makeup on.” He rubbed his cheek roughly. “I didn’t really look at her. She wanted to talk, but I didn’t want to. So, she left the living room.”
Luke stopped to take another gulp of wine. Julia followed suit, hoping it would help slow her racing heart.
“It all happened so fast. She returned with her jeans off and was on my lap, gripping my head and kissing me.”
She blinked, swallowing hard to hold her emotions back. Likewise, it was apparent that his were building with each word that left his mouth. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear any more as he continued.
“My hands froze on the arms of the recliner to avoid touching her…” His voice trailed as if the big moment had arrived. Julia held her breath. “It’s like I blinked and her hand was down my pants, jerking me off.”
Julia flew off the chair, desperate to escape. She ran toward the bathroom but hadn’t gotten far when Luke’s massive arms wrapped around her waist, stopping her. “No, baby, don’t run. Please,” he whispered against her head, his voice thick with emotion. She bent over his arms as the floodgates blew open.
Images of Renee kissing him and jerking him off made her nauseated. She broke free from Luke’s arms and made it to the toilet just in time. While she gagged and heaved, trying to expel the God-awful images from her head, he was right beside her, holding her hair back.
No words were spoken. They weren’t needed. Julia’s response said all that needed to be said by a woman betrayed by the man she loved. And Luke’s expression was filled with shame.
Once she had calmed, he helped her stand. She braced herself against the counter, again emotionally spent. Luke stayed right behind her this time, supporting her. He dampened a washcloth and placed it in her hand.
Several sniffles came from behind her. She lifted her head, and in the mirror, she saw tears rolling down Luke’s face. The sight of this strong, intimidating man with a tear-stained face sucked the air out of her lungs.
“I’m so sorry this happened. I’m so sorry I didn’t stop her fast enough. It wasn’t even a minute before I had her flung off me. I’m sorry. I didn’t want her. I’m disgusted with it all.” He shuddered, hanging his head.
Julia studied him in the mirror. She believed him.
After rinsing her mouth, small tremors moved through his body behind her—his remorse, she guessed. She set the washcloth on the counter, took his hand, and led him out of the bathroom to the edge of her bed. Luke sat as she guided him. Julia stared into his troubled eyes.
“Please believe me, I didn’t want any of that. After I got her off me, I left the house and drove out to the woods. I’m sorry I didn’t stop her fast enough.�
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“I believe you.”
His head fell forward in relief.
Julia lifted his face to hers. Tenderly she stroked his cheeks with her thumbs. “I’m sorry for what happened to you.” Tears filled her eyes in response to his confession that it had, in fact, not been his fault.
“I’m so sorry I froze.”
“Shh, I know.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. Luke clung to her tightly. It hit her then; he didn’t want Renee. Suddenly, she found herself gripped by her own shame—the shame of thinking the worst of him, of not wanting to listen, of throwing him out, and of causing him more pain. “I’m sorry too,” she whispered, pressing her lips to his head. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen and ran away.” She sniffled. “Are you okay?”
“I’ll be okay. I just want to forget all of this ever happened.”
“How can I help you?”
“You already are, just being here with me.”
They eventually moved back to the loveseat. While they finished off the bottle of wine and half the meat-and-cheese platter, Luke gave her a rundown of everything that had happened in Alaska. This time, he left no detail out. She quietly listened, his arms around her.
“That’s a lot.” She turned into him. He looked down at her and kissed her forehead. Holding his lips in place, he inhaled her scent. “You look tired.”
“The last two days have been rough. I got drunk last night.” Her eyes flashed up to his. “Calvin drove me home from The Peak. He even took my boots off.” He softly laughed.
“Is that why you didn’t respond to my text last night?”
“Yeah. I had passed out and didn’t see it until this morning. The second I saw it, I jumped out of bed and got my shit together. I’ve been going a mile a minute ever since.”
“I should say so. Look at all of this.” She turned to look at the coffee table. “And the red rose was a nice touch.”
“Julia?”
“Mm-hmm?” She looked at him.
“I have to ask. Are we okay? Do you want to be with me?”
“Yes…I want to be with you.” He lowered his mouth to hers and brushed his lips softly across hers. She put her hand on his chest, stopping him. “I’m not making you any promises. I need to see how this all plays out…for all of us. When it’s just you and me, we’re so good together. What will happen to us when your kids visit or when you go to Alaska to visit them again?”
