by Lea Coll
Stella: That’s right. Should we plan my party?
Ashley: You’re not supposed to plan your own party.
Stella: When you’re me, you do. It wasn’t like my mom planned parties from her bedroom or my dad even remembered them. If I wanted a celebration I made my own.
Ashley: This calls for a girls’ night.
Stella: It does.
Then a group text popped up on my phone which included Samantha and Emma. We quickly made plans for tonight at Emma’s house since Luke was working tonight.
Perfect. I hated sitting still, I hated being alone, and I hated celebrating my birthday by myself. I’d spent too many birthdays by myself as a child. It was one of the reasons I wanted children so badly. I loved them and I knew they’d love me unconditionally. I could fill my house with love and laughter. Everything I didn’t have growing up. Now if only I could find a guy serious about the same things.
I tried unsuccessfully to do more research on my course and finally packed up at five to head home and change. As I drove the short distance home I realized both Ashley and Emma had boyfriends and dogs to come home to. At first, having a home of my own had been amazing. There was no one there who could bring my mood down, but lately the quiet was too much. I wanted someone to fill it, to spend my days with, someone to talk to at the end of the day. My mind drifted to my night at Sawyer’s. How perfect it had been. Conversation flowed, and the food was good. It was peaceful even when no one spoke. I hadn’t felt antsy once.
I went home to change and then drove over to Emma’s a little early. When I pulled up to the farmhouse she now shared with Luke, I parked next to her tiny Corolla. Luke’s cruiser was gone. I knocked on her door and Hunter started barking his greeting.
The screen door creaked as Emma opened it, holding Hunter by the collar so he wouldn’t jump on me. “Hey, you’re early.”
I scooted past her so she could close the door. I rubbed Hunter’s head. “Hey, buddy!” When I stopped petting him, he butted his head into my legs to get my attention as I walked farther into the kitchen. “Hey! I’m trying to walk.”
“Want to go outside? I started a fire.”
“Sure.”
“Did you want a drink? It’s watermelon juice and Moscato.”
“Yes, please. That sounds great.” And it did. I needed a drink after everything going on this week—Ms. Gladys’s matchmaking, interactions with Sawyer, and Nate, who wanted to meet in person. It was a lot, even for me.
She poured me a glass, grabbed her own, and led the way through the family room. I stopped to admire new frames on the wall. “These are the cartoons Luke drew for you?”
She stopped, turning back to where I stood. “Yeah.” She pointed to the first one. “This is one of the first times we met. I thought he’d given me a traffic ticket but instead he’d drawn this picture on the back.” It was a picture of Luke leaning, arms crossed, against his squad car, and Emma in a suit, her arms flailing, as she argued some point. “Then this one he gave me at the Pub, and this one he gave me when he proposed.” My eyes skipped to the one with Luke dressed in a tux on one knee where she wore a white dress that could only be a wedding dress. It said—Will you marry me?
“These are so sweet, Emma.” My heart literally squeezed, it was so romantic.
“Yeah, I debated hanging them up since they’re so personal but this is our home now and this is our history.”
“It is. I think it’s great.” I just wish I had the kind of love she’d experienced. Luke had pursued her with these drawings. “You’re so lucky.”
Emma must have sensed I was sad, because she laid a hand on my arm. “Don’t worry. You’ll meet someone.” We resumed walking out the French doors to the large deck at the back of the house. “I know your history with guys hasn’t been the best, but that will change.”
We walked down the deck steps to the fire pit area and I sat in one of the Adirondack chairs positioned around the fire. “How can you know that?”
She shook her head as she sat across from me. “I just do. In the past year, I moved here and met Luke. Jack returned to town, and now he’s with Samantha.” Then she laughed. “If Logan and Ashley can love each other after years of fighting I think you can find love too.”
I puffed out a breath. “I don’t know. My history with guys is abysmal.”
I heard a car arrive, the doors slam shut, and a few seconds later laughter and talking trickled out from the open screen door on the deck to us.
“Sounds like Samantha and Ashley are here,” Emma said, getting up to greet them as they came down the deck steps.
“Hey, guys!” I said, once Emma went back upstairs to get more drinks for them.
“So, you called a girls’ night to plan your birthday party?” Ashley asked, sitting next to me.
“Yup. You know it. Should we do a river cruise? Go to Baltimore and do the night club thing? Girls’ night at Secrets in Ocean City?”
Emma snorted as she balanced two glasses and handed them to Ashley and Samantha. “I don’t know. I feel like I’m too old for Secrets.”
“Ugh. Just because you have men doesn’t mean we can’t be fun,” I said, my heart not exactly into the club scene either.
Ashley shot Emma a look. “Just because we don’t want to leave town doesn’t mean we can’t have fun right here.”
Now my friends thought I was crazy, or maybe they always thought that. “That’s true. There’s still the river cruise. What do you think?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Isn’t it a little over the top to plan your own party?” Emma asked.
Ashley laughed. “Stella has always planned her own parties. She rarely even lets me help.” Then she paused, looking at me as if she wanted to ask why, but didn’t.
Now was my opportunity to come clean to my friends like Dr. Hirsch said at our last meeting—the next time you find yourself covering your true feelings with a smile, a joke, whatever it is you do to divert someone, try and allow yourself to feel those feelings. Should I? Would they be appalled at my home life? Would they think less of me? I know Samantha struggled a little with her parents but Emma and Ashley’s childhood seemed normal, or at least more normal than mine.
Dr. Hirsch seemed to think my friends would be supportive and that I needed to tell someone. Laughing uncomfortably, I said, “Well, this is my sad story. My mom is and was very depressed. She doesn’t come out of her room often. We weren’t allowed to have friends over. She forgot to feed us, so definitely didn’t remember our birthdays. I know I make a big deal out of birthdays, because if I don’t, who will?” I worried Ashley, out of all of my friends, would feel betrayed I’d never confided in her since we’d been friends the longest.
Glancing at my friends’ faces, I saw nothing but sympathy.
Ashley’s hand squeezed my forearm. “I’m sorry, Stella. I had no idea. I was never invited to your house, but I assumed your mom was a hoarder or something.”
I shrugged. “Not a hoarder, just couldn’t get out of bed.”
“What about your dad?” Ashley asked.
“He worked on the farm and volunteered to help other farmers so he could avoid being home. And you know my sister, Lindsey, she’s oblivious to anyone but herself.”
“True,” Ashley said.
“I’m happy you told us, but I’m wondering why now? I could have been there for you. I’d have invited you over more when we were kids,” Ashley said.
It was then that I saw the pain in Ashley’s eyes. By not telling her the truth or relying on her, I’d hurt her. “I’m sorry. I never thought I was hurting you by not telling you. I was so consumed with keeping it a secret. All I saw were friends who had normal moms.” Who met them when they got home or after work, cooked dinner, came to their activities.
“I knew something was up. I just wish you’d told me sooner.” Ashley’s voice was flat.
I hoped this wouldn’t impact my friendship with Ashley. I needed to be completely up front with her from now on. �
��And the why now is that I’m seeing a therapist. Dr. Hirsch. I want to date again and I’m so messed up over my exes cheating on me, I needed to fix myself before I got into another relationship.”
Ashley brightened at that. “Well, it’s not your fault those men cheated on you.” When I was silent, she continued, “Is Dr. Hirsch helpful?”
“I guess. She says all the right things, but believing her is something else. I’m trying.” I took a sip of my drink. “You know I signed up for online dating and I’m making an effort.”
“Have you met anyone?” Emma asked.
I sighed. “Most of the guys on there don’t even post flattering profile pics. They look like they just rolled out of bed and snapped a picture. It’s not encouraging. Nate seemed well-groomed and had a nice smile.” It was kind of sad that was the criteria. “His profile said he’s a high school gym teacher near Salisbury and he’s interested in travel. So I asked him about that, but he hasn’t been off the Eastern Shore that much.”
“Are you going to meet up with him?” Emma asked.
“He wants to but I just started talking to him. It seems too soon,” I said.
“What else do you know about this guy?” Ashley asked.
“Not much. I’ll keep talking to him until I get a better feel for him.” So far, all I knew was that he had a respectable job, he was my age, and lived somewhat close.
“I have an idea. Let’s go out on Jack’s dad’s boat for your birthday.” Samantha scrolled through her phone. “Your birthday is a Saturday when they have music and dancing at Watkins Park, so we could go to that afterward.”
I sighed, relieved they’d accepted the secret I’d kept from them all of these years and still wanted to be friends. Seeing their reactions now, I knew I should have reached out earlier.
“Yeah, that sounds fun,” Ashley said.
“If Jack wouldn’t mind letting us use the boat,” Emma said.
Samantha started texting. “I’m sure it will be fine. Let me make sure Jack isn’t on call for the fire department that day.” Jack had recently moved back to town to help his dad with the marina, but the marina had since reverted back to the town and his dad retired. Thankfully, Jack was able to find a job as a fire instructor at the fire training facility nearby in Centreville but he was still very active in the town’s volunteer fire department.
Putting her phone down, Samantha ticked off her fingers, “It will be Jack, me, Luke, Emma, Ashley, Logan, Stella and Sawyer?”
My head was shaking no before she’d even finished her sentence. “I see how you did that—listed all of us as a couple.” When was she going to give it up? “I don’t want him to feel that we’re forced together as a couple because we’re the last two single ones left in the group. We’re already working on my course and Ms. Gladys’s library class together.” I was starting to doubt my ability to resist him.
“I’m sorry. What was that? You’re doing what?” Ashley asked.
“I didn’t tell you?” I asked.
“Uh no, you neglected to tell me you’re working with Sawyer now. When did this happen?”
I told them about the course I was developing and how Sawyer was helping me in exchange for a date to the scholarship dinner. I left out the romantic dinner and my reaction to his touch.
“That’s wonderful, Stella.” Ashley reached over to squeeze my shoulder. “I’m so happy for you.”
A smile playing on Samantha’s lips, she asked, “I’d love to hear how this came about.”
“I needed a favor and I offered to help him out. He’s applying for tenure this year and needs to have a good rapport with everyone on the tenure committee essentially. I’m good with people so he thought I could help him.”
“You’re memorable, that’s for sure. If you’re on his arm, everyone will notice,” Emma said.
“I just hope they remember him and not me.” I had a tendency to be loud and boisterous, especially at parties. I knew some of it was nerves. “I know a lot of people at the college from when I went there and from work. Hopefully, I can pay him back for all of his help.” And not embarrass him.
“So, what are the boundaries for this date?”Ashley smirked.
I shook my head. “I’m helping him make a good impression and it’s not a real date if that’s what you mean.”
“Well, I love this development,” Emma said. “I couldn’t have planned something more perfect if I tried.”
“What? What are you talking about?” I was genuinely confused as to where they were going with this.
“This is just how Logan and I started out. You’re going to a black-tie affair as his date—getting dressed up, drinking. It has all the makings of a romance novel. You’ll accidentally fall into his bed at night—” Ashley said.
“Onto his dick,” Emma added, laughing so hard she almost fell off her chair. When she finally recovered, she said, “Sorry that’s what you would have said if one of us was in this situation.”
“That’s true.” I wasn’t opposed to seeing more of Sawyer’s body under those tweed jackets, button-down shirts, and dress pants. I just wasn’t sure he felt the same way. When he was close, I was hyperaware of his body and maybe once I’d seen a hint of possible desire for me in his eyes, but I was probably mistaken. Even though he was a big man, it was my luck he was attracted to petite women who were quiet bookworms.
“What are you girls doing out here that’s so funny?” Luke asked.
Ashley snorted as Luke’s heavy footsteps came down the steps from the deck to where we gathered around the fire. “Oh nothing. Stella here has a date with Sawyer.”
“I’m helping a friend out. It’s not a real date.” He’d already told our friends I wasn’t his type. I shivered thinking about what he’d say if he heard rumors about us dating from his brother. I didn’t want the humiliation.
“Hey babe,” Emma said as Luke leaned down to kiss her lightly on the lips. Then he sat in the seat in between Emma and me.
Luke’s eyes settled on mine, his brow raised. “Sawyer, huh?”
I felt the beginning of a tension headache at the back of my head. “No, no, no. He asked me to be his date at the scholarship dinner. He needs my help to make a good impression on the tenure committee. We’re not dating or fake dating or anything else.” I gestured at the girls. “They have very active imaginations.”
Luke didn’t even crack a smile. He leaned back into his chair spreading his legs wide. “Are you interested in Sawyer?”
He was deceptively calm. I felt like this was his good cop routine during an interrogation. I could see Emma smirking next to him. I took a deep breath. “You guys were at Logan and Ashley’s party when he said he wouldn’t date me. I’m a little too much for him.” I swung my eyes around at everyone to make my point. “Remember that?”
Luke sat up leaning his elbows onto his thighs. “That doesn’t mean you aren’t interested in him and it doesn’t mean he isn’t a dumb ass. Let me tell you something about Sawyer. He thinks he has to be with a certain kind of woman. And yeah, he sticks to his routine, but it doesn’t mean he’s right.”
I stood up, ready to get some more alcohol because there was not enough in the drink Emma made me. “I’ve made too many mistakes to get involved with someone opposed to dating me. That would be a bad idea.”
“He’s not adamantly opposed to dating you. He thinks he likes a quiet woman but maybe he has no idea what’s good for him. You need to show him how things could be different if he took a chance on you,” Luke said.
Luke’s words made me feel like I had a chance with Sawyer, which was dangerous. Besides, I wanted someone who knew what he wanted. Not someone I had to prove myself to. I wanted a man who was so enamored with me that the idea of cheating would never enter his brain. Why was that so much to ask?
Emma grabbed his hand, pulling it into her lap. “When did you get so smart?”
He leaned over to kiss her, mumbling over her lips. “Definitely after we met.”
�
�Seriously? It’s girls’ night,” Ashley said.
Taking advantage of their distraction, I walked up the steps with my empty wine glass. I ducked into the bathroom and closed the door softly behind me. I needed a couple minutes. I took a few deep breaths, gripping the counter in front of me, gazing at myself in the mirror. I knew who I was and who I wasn’t. I was loud, and not everyone could handle that. It was fine. I’d find a guy who did want me. And he wouldn’t need to be convinced of it. I stayed there until the tears dissipated.
I PUT THE PIPING HOT box of pizza on the passenger seat and checked for a message from Nate before pulling out of the parking lot. We’d been texting back and forth for a few days. He came from a large family who all still lived in the Salisbury area, he loved his nieces and nephews, and he coached basketball at the school. He seemed nice and he was interested in me, at least on paper. There were no red flags. But he could be talking to others online too. I’d suggested meeting for drinks and had been waiting for his response. I wanted to see if we had chemistry.
I parked on the curb by Sawyer’s house and before I’d gotten out of my car, he was standing on the sidewalk in a black Avengers T-shirt and camo cargo shorts.
“Hey. Wanted to get the pizza for you.” He opened the passenger side door pulling out the still-warm pizza. “Hawaiian?” he asked, smiling.
“Yeah. Hope you like it. It’s my favorite.” I walked around my SUV to stand next to him. Sawyer’s hair was damp like he’d showered after rowing practice and I could still smell the soap he’d used which gave me visions of him in a hot and steamy shower, naked, with water dripping down his cut body.
He shut the door and gestured for me to precede him up the sidewalk to his porch. “I told you to get what you wanted. I’m not picky.”
When we got to the porch, he leaned around me to push open the door, his chest brushing my shoulder as he leaned over. My breath hitched at the contact and his eyes swept over me as he waited for me to walk through the door. I continued into the kitchen placing my bag onto the island.
