by Gigi Marlowe
Jill knew that Dillon wanted a large family. Growing up, he had loved being surrounded by his extended Irish family. When Dillon's family had returned home, Dillon would always tell Jill how much he regretted being an only child. He felt like children needed the companionship of siblings, and he wanted his house to be full of kids. Jill had always agreed with him. She couldn't imagine her own future without a house full of children and dogs stumbling over one another. Back then, it had seemed natural to her that she and Dillon would have a throng of children each. Now that she was older, and she and Dillon were together, Jill prayed that she would be the one to fill Dillon's house with children, laughter, and love. Jill's lower back trembled with pain and she pulled gently against Dillon's eager hold.
Luckily, Dillon had found the exact person he was looking for. A short man with a slim build was leaning casually between two stall doors. Out poked the heads of two young horses, one sable and the other chestnut. Jill instinctively reached a hand out to brush their noses.
"They look just like the horses we rode at camp all those years ago. Do you remember, Dillon?"
"They do, don't they," Dillon smiled secretively and pulled a small bag of peppermints from his pocket. A sharp pain sprung from Jill's lower back and made her stomach twist painfully. She bit her lip and reached quickly for the minty treats. Dillon opened his mouth to ask her a question, but Jill quickly turned to the jockey.
"Can I feed them?" Jill asked the jockey as she shifted her weight uncomfortably from foot to foot.
"Of course," answered Dillon.
"I think that's his decision," Jill said as she inclined her head towards the jockey.
The jockey winked at Jill before saying, "they are his horses." Jill stood in awe of Dillon. She often forgot what it meant for him to be a billionaire. He could do things like buy racehorses on a whim.
"Actually, they are for you, Jill." Dillon looked at her triumphantly as a raw jolt of electric pain gripped Jill's abdomen. She threw herself into Dillon's embrace to shield him from seeing her distress.
"Mine? Really!" Jill whispered.
"You always did want a horse, and one horse would be lonely. I couldn't leave it without a friend. They can stay here and race, or we can take them back with us and board them close by."
"Dillon, you really shouldn't have."
"Yes, I should. You deserve this and so much more." He set an affectionate hand on the side of her hip and Jill felt the urge to flinch away from his touch. Why was she hurting so much? Jill could tell from the way he studied her closely that Dillon was becoming concerned. If she didn't play this off right, he would suspect something. She didn't want him to worry unnecessarily, but she decided that it would be best for all of them if she confessed her situation soon. After the race, I’ll tell him, Jill told herself as Dillon led her to his private box.
"Wait," Jill said as they entered, "you never told me the names of the horses --" Jill stopped in the doorway of the box. From the door leading to their seats, she saw a trail of rose petals just like that night months ago on Dillon's boat. Hanging from the ceiling, she could see childhood pictures of both her and Dillon. There were pictures of them at computer camp, at the lake, and even a picture that she suspected Lilly had snapped of them at their prom. In the photographs, Jill could see how she and Dillon had grown up together. They had spent the majority of their life together. Her head swam, and she wasn't sure if it was from the sentimentality of the moment or from the new burst of pain she was feeling.
"Shoot," Dillon said looking at Jill. "Connor told me that this might've been a little much." Dillon grabbed Jill's hand and led her to one of the chairs nearby. As Jill sat down, she saw black spots swim across her vision. She blinked hard to make them go away.
"Jill, before I tell you the names of the horses. I need to tell you something else," Dillon said. Jill was hit with a new wave of nausea and wondered just why the room had started spinning. In her ear, she heard a faint ringing and battled to understand Dillon in spite of it. She could see Dillon's mouth moving and suspected that he was telling her something, but she could not hear him. She opened her mouth to explain to Dillon that she felt faint, but no words came. Instead, the room spun until darkness enclosed her.
Chapter 9
The doctor tapped his pen rhythmically on his clear, yellow clipboard. Jill watched him nervously from the hospital bed, anxious that all the doctor had done since he had stepped into the room was look between herself and Dillon before looking back at his clipboard. Jill had a gut feeling that she was not going to like the news she got. She gripped Dillon's had tightly. He sat rigidly on the edge of her bed, never taking his eyes away from the doctor's face. Jill could feel Dillon's nervousness roll off of him like heat waves.
"Doctor?" Jill finally said, breaking the strained silence.
The doctor's eyes flickered across Jill's face before he released a sigh. "If you would give Ms. Sinclair and I a moment to review her results," he requested of Dillon.
Dillon stiffened at her side. "No," Jill gulped. "Anything you have to say can be said in front of Dillon." Dillon rested a hand on her shoulder gratefully.
"Are you sure?" The doctor waited until Jill nodded her head in consent. "Very well then. Ms. Sinclair, I'm afraid to tell you that you have endometriosis. During your pelvic exam, I found several large sections of scar tissue behind the wall of your uterus."
"What does that mean exactly?"
"The level of hormones that your body produces causes your endometrial tissue growth to spike each month. That's what has caused your heavy bleeding." Jill flushed the same shade of red as her hair. She couldn't believe that Dillon was hearing about her cycle from a doctor. The doctor stopped and cleared his throat. "All in all," he continued more delicately, "this means that your reproductive organs are tearing themselves up beyond repair."
"Endometriosis can be simple to treat. Can't you just prescribe supplemental hormones?" Jill suggested.
"In most cases, yes. But your pelvic exam showed multiple large endometrial implants as well as aggressive, inflamed scarring of old tissue. I believe that the best course of treatment for you is surgical."
"Surgical?" Jill squeaked. "Like a laparoscopic surgery?"
"Unfortunately, Ms. Sinclair, I believe that even by removing the tissue during a laparoscopy, your endometriosis would return. Your case is one of the most aggressive that I have seen. Almost your entire uterus in covered in patched of scar tissue or freshly developing endometrial tissue."
Jill's eyes clouded over with tears." Are you recommending a hysterectomy, doctor?"
"A hysterectomy and an oophorectomy," the doctor said. Jill's mouth dropped in horror, and a moan of despair clawed its way from her throat.
"You can't be serious?" Dillon exploded. "That's ridiculous. Jill isn't even thirty-five yet, and you want to remove her uterus and her ovaries. No way. I won't let you do that to her," Dillon's voice cracked. He pointed a shaky finger at the doctor, "You're stealing her youth right out from under her. You'll throw her into the brink of menopause and steal any hopes she had of starting her own family."
The doctor, ignoring Dillon's outburst, sympathetically looked at Jill. "It will cause an early onset of menopause. And while your chances of being infertile without the surgery were high anyway, it would eliminate any chances of you conceiving your own children. But," he went on as he laid a folder of informational packets on her bedside table, "it is the best way to treat your condition. It will ease, if not completely eradicate, your pain. I'll leave you to consider your options."
"Dillon, I feel like a can't breathe," Jill clutched her bedsheets as her chest heaved. "I can't breathe!" she cried.
"Jill," Dillon lamented. He wrapped his arms around her and murmured soothingly into her ear. "My darling, it's okay. It's going to be okay."
"How can you say that?" Jill flung herself out of his arms. She looked at Dillon through her tear filled eyes. "Didn't you hear what he said? I'm broken, Dillon," Jil
l spat the words at him like they were poison.
"No," he whispered, "you are not broken."
"I am! I can't have children."
"That doesn't matter," Dillon tried to brush the hot tears off of Jill's face, but she slapped his hand away.
"Of course it matters. How can there be the future you and I always dreamed of without children. What kind of wife would I be if I can't give you the one thing I know you’ve always wanted. I can never give you a child, Dillon. That matters to me!"
"We can still--"
"--Stop it!" she yelled. She clenched her fists and pounded them futilely against his strong chest. "There will never be a little you or a little me scampering around our house. No one will call me mommy. No one will ask me to kiss their boo-boo. No one," her voice broke. She whimpered, "No one will need us to tuck them at night. There won't be a single soul on this planet that we can call ours. You will never get that with me. I can never give you the family that you dreamed of." Dillon held her wrists against his chest until all of her pitiful fury was spent, and her tears only trickled down her wet face.
"It doesn't matter anymore if I can't have the life I always dreamed of. I'll dream of something different," Dillon pressed. Jill looked up at him then. His own eyes were red like he was trying to stop himself from crying.
"So being with me would crush your dream?"
"Jill--"
"--leave." Jill turned away from Dillon and drew her knees to her chest. "I want you to go," she said without looking at him. A knot formed in the pit of her stomach as Dillon left. Dillon felt utterly helpless. Silently, he left the room and left Jill alone to sort through her feelings of inadequacy.
Dillon watched Jill gently stir her soup with a faraway look in her eyes. "Do you want something different, Jill?" To Dillon's dismay, Jill continued to stir her soup. She was lost too deeply in her thoughts for him to get her attention easily. Dillon sighed. Jill had been like this ever since she received her diagnosis three months ago. Dillon had taken Jill to see three specialists since then, but every visit was just as disheartening as the first. "Sweetheart," Dillon asked as he reached across the table and gently touched Jill's hand.
Jill blinked and looked at him. Before the news of her endometriosis, Jill would have smiled brightly at Dillon, but now she merely stared at him. A smile from Jill had become rare now. "I'm sorry, Dillon. I was just thinking," she said.
"What were you thinking about?"
"That family," she pointed to a man and woman pushing a baby stroller. A tear rolled swiftly down Jill's cheek. "We won't ever be that family."
"We can be a family without kids, Jill," Dillon pleaded. They had this conversation almost every week now. Dillon knew that Jill was heartbroken about the high probability of being infertile. Truthfully, he had been too, at first. He had always wanted his own kids. But, after much thought, he realized what he wanted more was to spend the rest of his life with the woman he loved.
"You don't understand what you're saying, Dillon," Jill insisted. "You can still have a family. You can be with someone who can give you everything you want."
"You're everything I want."
"That's not true," Jill denied.
Dillon ran a quick hand through his thick hair, trying to tame his frustration. "Of course it is, Jill. I've already told you that I want to marry you. I want to grow old with you, children or not."
"You say that now, but what happens five to ten years from now when all of your friends start having kids? What will you do when our house isn't filled with the pitter patter of tiny feet?"
"I'll look at you and think about how much I love you."
"No you won't," Jill maintained. "You'll think about how you had to sacrifice your dream for me and I'll," she paused before admitting, "I'll hate myself for making you do that."
"Jill," Dillon had never heard Jill say such a thing before. How could his courageous Jill ever hate herself?
"I love you too much to watch you give up something this big," Jill said. She looked into Dillon's eyes, and he could see the defeat she felt hidden behind her sadness.
"And I love you too much to give you up at all. I don't want to lose you, Jill. Don't try and force me to leave." Dillon could feel his panic rising in his chest. He did not want to end his relationship with Jill. He had hoped that when she came to terms with her infertility that he could suggest in vitro fertilization as a means for them to still have children together, but he could see that Jill believed she would never be a mother. Now, Dillon felt desperate to make sure that Jill knew she didn't have to be a mother to be his wife.
"I won't force you to leave. I just need, "Jill paused and closed her eyes. "I need to sort through things by myself for a little while. I just feel crushed by the weight of it all."
"Then let me carry some of your burdens."
"You are part of my burden. Watching you settle for a life with me is breaking my heart. You shouldn't have to settle for anything or anyone, Dillon. Least of all me."
"I wish you would believe me when I tell you that being with you is far from settling."
"If you really mean that, then give me some space to think everything over. I need time," Jill said as she stood, "alone."
Dillon and Jill talked for the rest of the afternoon about the best way to give Jill the space she needed to process what was happening without damaging their relationship. Although it had taken a lot of persuasion from Jill, Dillon finally agreed to take a break from their romantic relationship. It hurt him to have to put the breaks on his feelings for her, but he knew that Jill needed to sort through her emotions without feeling the pressure of dating. Later that night, he called Connor to talk over everything that was happening. He needed a fresh perspective and an unbiased ear to talk to.
"I just don't understand why she wants to go through this alone, Connor. All I want to do is help her through this. I understand how devastated she feels. I want children just as badly as she does, but I don't want them if she's not there with me."
"That's just it, Dillon," Connor explained, "she knows that. She's trying to deal with her own sense of loss as well as yours."
Dillon sighed. "That's what she said, too."
"I know how much you care about Jill, but you can't make this moment about you. She's hurting and what she needs from you is your strength and support. Don't try and fix this for her. Let her process this and just be there for her."
"But what if she can't handle it all on her own?"
"Do you really think she's not strong enough to come back from this?"
"No. I know Jill can. I just worry about her."
"She's grieving the loss of one of her dreams. All you can do for her is be there. When she's ready, she'll come back."
Connor's words of wisdom lifted Dillon's spirits. He would be her rock, whenever she wanted him to be. In the meantime, he would go back to being her best friend. He knew his feelings for Jill would never change; he would love her every day for the rest of his life, even if he had to spend every one of those days waiting for her.
"I'm so glad that you decided to come with me this afternoon. It'll do you some good to get out of the house and give back to others," her twin said to Jill as the two rode together in Lilly's car. Jill wasn't exactly sure where they were going, but it didn't matter to her. Nothing much mattered to her anymore."So," Lilly looked at Jill from the corner of her eye, "did you tell Dillon about today?"
"Oh," Jill hesitated, "I haven't mentioned anything to him." Jill looked out of the passenger side window. Ever since she and Dillon had decided on a break two months ago, things had been different between them. They still talked on the phone almost every day, but Jill could feel the growing distance between them. A small part of her wanted to blame Dillon for the distance, but she knew that she was the real source of change in their relationship. Dillon had been as steady as an anchor in the midst of her ever-changing emotions. She appreciated the thoughtful way Dillon was still supporting and encouraging her while she t
ried to find her bearings again. Jill just wasn't sure when, or if, she would be able to find her sense of worth.
"That's okay," Lilly consoled, breaking through Jill's thoughts. "You can always tell him about the Fun Run later."
"Fun Run?" Jill shot Lilly a quizzical look. It was then that Jill noticed the suspicious-looking superhero costumes peeking out of a box in Lilly's backseat. Jill looked out the window again and saw that she and Lilly were pulling into a park. Ahead, Jill made out a large balloon archway. Tables were being set up nearby, and she could hear the faint thumping of music. Jill's heart sank as she saw parents and kids dressed in matching outfits.
"I signed you up for the arts and crafts table," the admission bubbled out of her twin. Jill shot her a deadly look. "Don't give me that look. You'll love it. I promise," Lilly assured. She pulled into a vacant parking space and pointed Jill to her station.
Jill began setting up her stations at the table. Meticulously she laid out black capes and puff finger paints. Her heart felt like it was being torn to pieces as parents and their kids lined up at the table to make capes for the race. She tried her best to smile, but she felt like the closest she got was a grimace. The tender interactions between the children and their parents was a constant reminder that she would never have a little version of herself to love. She would be childless for the rest of her life. Jill excused herself after the last pair left and ran to the restroom. She passed Lilly on her way. Her sister flashed her a bright smile and held up the camera that was strapped around her neck to take a picture of Jill.
"Isn't this great," Lilly bubbled. Jill fumed that her sister had been so insensitive in bringing her to the Fun Run.
"No, it's not great. I find out I can't have children and you bring me to a fundraiser for kids. That's so cruel, Lilly." Jill tried to storm past Lilly, put Lilly caught her by the arm.
