by T J Reeder
Sandy and May were advocates of Miz Sheri’s school of container gardening, and dragged in every piece of junk that would hold dirt. I thought I’d seen it all and then they dragged in an old toilet bowl and planted something in it. I told them I wasn’t eating anything growing out of a shitter, and they just shook their heads and looked sad for me.
Sheri has about the best collection of containers one could want but even she didn’t have a toilet bowl…yet. But she one upped the girls by having somebody drag in an old rusty pickup from the 50’s. She made the bed into a container and used the cab as a place to put garden tools and such. This of course set the girls to looking for something even cooler. I sat in the shade and watched. It took them a while but they did come up with something.
It involved Rick and his eternal war against dead trees. He had one that he said wouldn’t make good fire wood. I don’t know what it was, but it had bark and limbs, so I called it “Tree.” Anyway it was damn big! Like four or five feet wide, so the girls conned him into cutting the butt log into a ten foot log and then using his skills with the saw he hollowed it out. He really got into it and it looked awesome. The top sides were flat and left with an eight inch place to sit while working.
He hauled it down to the cabin area and leveled it and the girls took over. They went wild, painting it with flowers and all kinds of stuff. Then filled it with the best mulch they could find, mounding it up high and planted it full of flowers of all thing. I looked at it and said “You can’t eat flowers.” Their look of pity was a thing of beauty.
Mis Sheri was impressed but the general opinion of the followers of the container war was that the 1950’s pickup still trumped the log flower pot, but they didn’t care, they still loved it. I enjoyed watching the antics of these ladies as did everybody else. They would be going gaga over a weed one minute and frying carrots with Sheri the next and an hour later disturbing the peace on Rick’s range improving their shooting skills.
Both were scary fast and a lot of fun to watch. And damn good at suckering in some new fool with some “small” wagers. They had more junk from these matches than they could ever use but both said it was the winning that counted and the trinkets were sorta like scalps. I said “Hell no! Don’t even think about it.” I guess I must have impressed them because they dragged me into the tent for a nap.
It’s a good life here in the woods of East Texas and the new pace of life and the outdoor life style and being in the sun makes everybody just happier. I hoped things wouldn’t change back. I was spending a lot of time with Fred while he recovered but he soon got into the whole “Green Acres” stuff and was off herding goats or cats or some such shit. I like the shade and I love watching the girls.
I swear they are like puppies, one finds something new and they are all over it for a whole four or five minutes then a new something blows through on the breeze and off they go. I’m really happy, I spend some time with mom every day and I love spending time with Sheri. I try once a week or so to drag her away for a couple of hours and we go to Sally’s place for pie and sweet tea. Her and Sally are in the kitchen shortly showing each other some new ideas. It’s good for her and me and Sally, so it’s a win-win for all concerned.
I also do it for me, just to show any doubters that I really don’t give a rats ass what they think and none will say a word. I think it’s because of Wyatt and Doc. I laugh. That would scare the shit outta me too.
The girls’ latest request is for a fireplace…..in the tent. I for once stuck to my guns and said “hell no!” Then they dropped the real bomb. Quote, “Well fine then build us one in front of the tent so we can watch the fire at night.” Herding goats with Fred is looking good right now. But having said no once this month I now had to figure out how to make them happy.
One thing about a fireplace outside is ya don’t have to have stove pipes running all over the damn place. I sat thinking about it, which is my strong point. And yanno, it came to me and I smiled and said “Ok, let’s build that fireplace.”
Back we went, searching for rocks and clay. I had them pick the spot where they wanted it which took several hours and a consult with the moon and stars and a visit to the old Indian Shaman down the road. I was laughing because at this rate we would be in Montana before they got their minds on the same track.
In my mind I heard “Watch it bub. It’s cold sleeping alone.” Witches. At last they both pointed to a spot on Mother Earth and said “here!” “Right here?” I asked. “Yes right here!” So I made them place a rock on the exact center of where the thing would be. They did, with a glare.
Then we went to work, same plan as the oven, except the sand was more of a crescent with wings coming out and wrapping around to the front to reflect the heat. So we did the clay thing and even thicker, also we put some old fencing wire cut to fit over the first layer of clay then packed more clay and we tamped it as well as we could. When we were done, we let it set for a day then removed the sand.
The girls looked at it for a bit and May said, “This looks like one of those open air dome looking things that they used to have summer in the park stuff, plays and music.” Sandy agreed. I smiled and said let’s get it baked hard and we did, while the fire was burning we went inside and from our bed it was perfect and the curve kind of directed heat into the open flap.
They were happy! I was happy, after the clay was hardened we built a nice fire in the evening and even sitting inside by the open flap we could feel the heat. The down side was we now had a stream of people coming around looking at it like it was the first wheel. Soon the Earth’s supply of rocks and clay were in danger.
But everybody was entertained and busy. And now the girls could toss a mound of things on the ground and lay there like cats, which I now noticed a lot of, hanging around with the girls on their pallets. I noticed Sheri was spending time by the fire with the girls.
I would wander off giving them girl time, usually I’d help Rick murder a tree or find Fred who was all healthy from herding cats since that involved a lot of running every which way. I soon tired of both as they involved way too much effort. So I would go home and take a nap. I’m old and tired and naps are good.
The winter, such as it is here was drifting into spring and the planting was in full boom. Planting in February, I’ll never get use to it. But we did it, well the girls did, I supervised. And napped which usually got me a cup of water poured over me, and they made a game of where they would wet me down. Sandy loved making it look like I pissed my pants while May liked down the back of my neck. God they’re fun! Like petting baby rattlers, and not the ones made from plastic.
So there I sat, content knowing the girls had their clay oven to play with, an outdoor fireplace where they could curl up with all the stray cats who now found the fireplace just the best thing since cat litter and the garden was in. I can now nap without feeling lazy.
Wrong. Really wrong. Here they come again, snuggling up one on each side and wiggling a bit. I sighed and asked what they wanted now. Both were offended, then between them they explained that they wanted a flag pole. “A flag pole?” I asked. “Yes a flag pole” I heard. “Why?” “Well because it would be the coolest thing.” “Why?” “Because we want to fly a flag, silly.” “Why?”
“Because we have this wonderful flag that once covered General Will’s coffin and we decided it should fly instead of being buried away from the sun.”
Well shit, they have a point. I liked the old gent too, also those flags get put away and never fly and these two troublesome puppies are right. But I can’t give in too easy so I got a promise that this was the last project before I started taking training naps for the real thing. They promised, they lied, but they did it so cute I acted like I believed them. I’m a sucker.
I remember a story that went, The US Air Force Academy had a question on the very last test before graduation. All the cadets were of course sworn to never reveal anything about the tests taken at the academy so it never failed to work. It was a one
question test.
The question said, as a young officer you are given the task of raising a flag pole, you have a pole, 6 privates and one sergeant, how would you raise the pole? They go into the length and weight of the pole and all kinds of technical crap.
The Cadets have one hour to answer the question. For one hour nothing is heard except the sound of pencils scribbling on paper.
At the end of the hour the instructor gathers the papers. He then reads the answers one at a time out loud. It’s a long process because all of the cadets are pretty much engineer majors. Some of the answers make going to the moon a simple jump, and others make it like wading a shallow creek. But all of them have one common thing. They are all wrong. Now this pretty well deflates the whole bunch. So the instructor says, written on the black board behind the world map is the right answer. He walks to the map and with a flourish, sends it flying up the roller and there in all its glory is the elusive answer.
The answer is…“Sergeant! Raise the flag pole. And the officer leaves the area safe in the knowledge that the Sergeant will get it done.”
They all learned a valuable lesson. Now how was this gonna help me, I ain’t got a fkn clue. So I go see Rick, and I tell him what the girls want. He says “Ok.” And the next day here he comes on his tractor dragging a really tall pine tree with all the limbs cut off nice and smooth.
On the back of the tractor is a post drill. He asks where I want the pole planted, and I say, “I don’t they do”, pointing at the two forms laying curled up by the fireplace napping.
Being the weak coward he is, he refused to wake them so I had to do it. And they saw what was going on and both jumped up and ran to hug Rick. I can’t win. They spent about two ice ages deciding where it should be and Rick said “Let’s put it on the range!!” and more hugs. I hate him too.
So off he goes, dragging the pole followed by “them” who had to make a game out of trying to stand on the moving pole. If it wasn’t for the nice way they fill their pants I’d swear they were small boys.
After another ice age they had the perfect spot so Rick made the hole and then dragged a box out of the bucket and removed a nice shiny pulley which he fitted to the top of the pole. Then he added a long rope and in about 10 minutes there stood a flag pole. Rick would have made a great sergeant.
Well now they were happy, I could go back to nap practice. Wrong. “We need a sign” they say, “Why?” “Because we have a wonderful tribute to General Will but nobody knows it so we need to have a sign.” “Shit.” “Stop cussing.” I asked, “What does the sign needed on it?” It needs to say “The General Will range”. Fine, so I head off and come back with a ratty paint brush and a hunk of old plywood. Wrong. It has to be fitting, and it has to be well made. Professional looking. “Shit.” Followed by a “Stop cussing.”
I spent two hours tracking down somebody who people say is an artist. “She is busy.” I tell her I’ll shoot her if she don’t come with me. She tells me to perform an impossible act on myself. I tell it’s for Wyatt and Doc, and she says “Well why didn’t you say that?” So off she goes to find the girls. Another ice age comes and goes, a sun goes nova 900,000,000,000 light years away. They settle on a sign! The gods are happy, they are smiling! I’m not. The cost of the fkn sign is 4 bottles of my JW! I go take a nap and wake up between two warm bodies. Shit it’s just booze, who cares.
I’m all snuggled in come morning when they come into the tent. One had a cup of coffee, the smell of which tells me it’s spiked! Good! The other has a plate with hot from the earth oven biscuits, slathered with butter and honey. I now feel the trickle of fear turning into a raging torrent so I cover my head. No good. I’m caught.
“What now? I ask. “You’re so suspicious!” “No I’m not. I simply know you two so well, so now what?” “Well” says one, “When’s the party?” “What party?” “The range dedication party, silly.” “Please tell me why I care when it is.” They did. I’m paying for it. More booze. I have to kill something to eat. I have to take them to town to invite the people they like and haven’t killed…yet.
I stood for a while just staring at the far off distant mountains in my mind. One asked what I was doing, and I said I was looking to the north where the mountains are. The other one said “uh John, that’s East, North is to your left.” I sighed and asked when the party was. Both hugged me and told me I was wonderful. I could hear a small voice in my ear saying “God you’re easy.”
So the party is on, one week from now, I put them in charge of it. I asked Simon to find something to kill that would cook up ok. He asked if he could use my 308 I said “no” just to be petty, and he said I was being petty. I agreed. Rick was happy because he had a dead hickory tree that needed burning, I explained that it wouldn’t take much to cook whatever Simon shot, he looked at me with pity. I understand now, anything that requires wood requires a lot of wood. So the meat was taken care of, and the wood was a done deal.
I was providing the booze the leaches get to drink and the women were dealing with the rest. I sneaked off and laid down in our very comfy bed and woke up with two warm bodies next to me, I said “NO…. whatever it is NO, I’m napping.” They both threw an arm over me, a bare arm, followed by a bare leg. I gave up. God hates me. One giggled and the other said “No she don’t.”
What a party! I’m glad I had the idea! We had a ton of fun. Sandy told the story of how we met General Will. When she told the story of Will and Ellie there wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd. And biggest surprise of all Harry and Bear showed up with their wives. Bears wife thanked Sandy for teaching Bear some manners. That got a big laugh when the story got told. Ever see a giant turn beet red?
The ladies all dressed up like the good old days. Sandy had opened one of her trunks and all the ladies were wearing about a million dollars worth of jewelry. Not that it was worth that anymore but they all sparkled. It was strange seeing my two beauties dressed like ladies, I liked it! May was talking about cutting off a bunch of her beautiful long hair and everybody within earshot yelled “NO!!”
I wore my BBQ gun Sandy found on our last trip out. I noticed a lot of BBQ guns! Well goes to show men like sparkles too. We had music both live and CDs. Early in the day we all lined up and opened fire on milk jugs filled with water to officially dedicate the range. It sounded like a full scale war. I hoped Will was dancing in glee. His flag was looking wonderful.
Our time here is coming to an end and we have started getting our gear ready. We had a very nice saddle for May, now we needed a horse but that would come when we got back to the lake area. I was pretty sure Charley could handle that for us.
We did look for and find a rifle scabbard for May to put on her saddle. Sandy had done the deal with Old Man Jones on his rifle so she wanted to carry it on her horse. I told her she could after she knew how to handle it. She fired about five rounds and said “No wonder that old crook was so eager to trade!!” I never said a word about it but I was really surprised she got five shots off. Of course she weighs about the same as that old cannon. And of course May had to try it too and of course fired it five times and they had a quiet talk and said it was amazing how good it would look against the knotty Aspen walls of the cabin. The rifle does look wonderful hanging on the wall of the cabin right by my 1917 Swede. There are times when I do know to shut up.
And one day it was time to go. I made my goodbyes with Miz Sheri in private, hoping that on the next go around we would find each other sooner. Mom said she could use some corn meal since I was going to the store, and I said I’d see to it. I wonder….
Rick, Chris and all the usual suspects were there to see us off. Fred and his lady were happy as can be on the Homestead, I was glad he was there to help with security.
With lumps in our throats we headed out, me wondering who would be left when we returned, if we returned. Sandy leaned over and hugged me while May reached over the seat and joined in. Sandy whispered “It will be ok, trust me.” May said “Us.” I was either blessed or cu
rsed, and I think blessed is the way to go. They both said “Smart man”. Here we go.
We had decided to stay the night at the state line crossing with Harry and Bear. There was a mobile set up just for overnighters and that was us. And we did. After dinner with the two couples, we hit the rack and crashed and come daylight we bounced out of bed and into a hot shower. Well they bounced, I hobbled. Breakfast was in the guard’s chow hall but we didn’t dawdle. We had places to go and people to see, and hopefully not kill.
Bidding another farewell, we rolled and didn’t slow until we hit Shiprock where Charley and his Mother were waiting for us. After a good feed we again went to bed early and come morning we went with Charley to see some horses.
We must have looked at a hundred before May took a second look and walked to the corral and just stood there, and soon one walked over to her.
They looked at each other a bit and May said “This one.” Charley smiled and said “Good choice.” May smiled at him and said “Think so?” Charley never blinked when he said “I was talking to the horse.” May looked at him a moment and then smiled and said, “Yes!”
