by A. L. Brooks
This is getting out of control. A small part of her was tempted to just tell Ash how she felt, to hell with the consequences. The rest of her thought she was mad to even consider it. But wouldn’t it be better to just get it out there? At least know where she stood? All the worrying about it and the tension that filled her body every time they met was wearing her out. With sudden clarity she realised she couldn’t go on like this. She was bold and brave with her work. Now maybe it was time to be the same with her heart. Okay, but I can’t just blurt it out. Maybe I could lead the conversation into how much I’ll miss her when she’s away and—
“Look, I’m sorry, but I really have to go.” Ash’s mouth turned down, and she shook her head. “I’d love to sit here longer and hear more about what the next few weeks will bring for you, but I’ve got so much to get through before Friday.”
God, I can’t launch into it now, can I? Bugger. “Oh, okay. I understand.” Carmen gathered up her handbag and stood, grateful her shaky legs didn’t give way. She inhaled deeply. When she gets back from her trip. I’ll tell her then.
“I’ll walk you to the corner.” Ash gestured up the road.
They fell easily into step, and despite Ash’s genuine need to get back to the studio, she kept her pace slow. She’d meant what she’d said—she didn’t want to walk away. Not yet. Something was troubling Carmen; that much was obvious. And irrespective of that, once again Ash found herself just wanting to talk to Carmen, to listen to whatever she had to say about whatever subject they happened upon. I’m going to miss her while I’m away . The thought was bittersweet.
“Will you let me know you got there okay?” Carmen asked quietly. Her cheeks, once again, sported a deep shade of pink.
The request warmed Ash in a way that nevertheless made alarm bells ring in every corner of her brain. “Of course, if you like.”
“And maybe let me know if you see anything amazing?”
“Like, maybe, some giraffes?” She remembered Carmen saying they were her favourite African animals.
Carmen grinned. “Exactly.”
“I’m sure I can do that too.”
They reached the corner where they would part ways.
“So, here we are.” Ash groaned inwardly at the inanity of what she’d said, as if Carmen wouldn’t know exactly where they were.
“Yes.” Carmen inhaled deeply, then, to Ash’s surprise, held out her arms.
Ash moved on autopilot, before her brain could kick in and warn her why accepting a parting hug from Carmen would be a very bad idea.
Too late. Carmen wrapped her arms around Ash’s shoulders, and her body pressed close. Not inappropriately close, only as far as a hug between friends would go when they wouldn’t see each other for a few weeks. But still, every nerve ending in Ash’s body leaped to attention and demanded that she step closer, just a little closer, and—
Carmen let out a moan as Ash’s arms tightened around her.
Shivers spiralled down Ash’s spine, and she closed her eyes as Carmen pressed her cheek to hers. There was warmth everywhere and softness and curves, and Ash knew this was dangerous. Oh so dangerous. She began to pull back, but Carmen’s grip tightened.
“Ash.” Carmen’s voice was a whisper against Ash’s cheek. “I…I think I need to tell you something.”
Ash tried to pull away once more, but Carmen wouldn’t let her.
Instead, she turned her face upwards to meet Ash’s gaze. “I’m…” She wet her lips. “I’m very attracted to you.” Her voice was husky, her cheeks flushed.
Ash’s heart thumped, missed a beat or two, as elation at Carmen’s words soared through her. Then her fear took hold and shattered that elation. Memories of the heartbreak with Vikki roared into her mind with a vengeance.
“Ash?” Carmen was shaking.
Or is that me?
“I…” Ash hesitated. What the hell do I say?
Carmen gazed up at her. “Is there…? Do you feel the same way?” She visibly swallowed. “Ash? Say something. Please?”
Ash held up a hand. “Wait. Please, just…wait.” Her mind whirled. Carmen’s proximity, the feel of her in Ash’s arms, was overwhelming. And terrifying. This is too much. I can’t do this again. Especially with Carmen, who already gets me in ways Vikki never did and therefore has the potential to cause me even more heartache. Some risks just weren’t worth taking. Her heart raced, and her palms were damp. She knew what she had to do.
It took more emotional effort than Ash would have imagined, but she lifted her arms away from Carmen’s body and eased gently out of her hold. She made sure to meet Carmen’s gaze when she spoke and chose her words carefully. “Thank you for telling me. I know that must have been hard for you. And I don’t want to negate anything you just said or how you think you feel, but I just want to be friends. That’s all.” Yes, keep saying it, and maybe one day you’ll believe it yourself, said a small voice in the back of her mind.
Carmen seemed to shrink in on herself and backed away so rapidly she nearly slipped off the kerb. “Oh. Right. Of course.” She passed a hand over the front of her face. “Um, okay. I’d better get going and—”
“Carmen, I’m sorry.” Ash stepped forward and reached out to help Carmen keep her balance.
“No, it’s all right.” Carmen’s gaze darted everywhere but on Ash. “I…I never should have said anything. I’m so sorry.”
Ash made to move even closer, but Carmen held out both hands, as if to put up some kind of force field in front of her.
“No, please. It’s okay.” Carmen paused and looked skywards for a moment. “I suppose it’s a good thing that you’ll be away now. Give me time to get over the embarrassment.” Her voice was so quiet on those last few words, Ash strained to hear her.
Ash ached to pull Carmen back into her arms, to somehow make this all okay. Like tell her how she really felt, but her fear and panic were too strong. “Please don’t be embarrassed. And honestly, I meant what I said. I’d still like to be friends.” How do I sound so calm when I’m anything but?
“Friends.” Carmen’s voice was low and a little wobbly. She shifted her handbag higher up her shoulder and took two big steps back. “Listen, you have a great time away, and, um, I’ll perhaps give you a call sometime when you’re back.”
Despite her resolve, despite knowing she was definitely doing the right thing, the safe thing, Ash’s heart sank. There was hurt written all over Carmen’s face and deep sadness in her eyes. The idea that this might be the last time they saw each other sat heavily on Ash’s soul.
Carmen, her eyes wet, threw Ash one last weak smile before she turned and walked away.
Chapter 25
At a little after nine on Tuesday evening, Carmen’s doorbell rang, startling her so hard she dropped the spoonful of tea she’d been preparing to put in the teapot. Tea leaves scattered all over the counter and floor. She was already feeling beyond low, and the sight of the mess brought tears to her eyes.
The doorbell rang again. She walked to the front door and peered through the security peephole.
Felicity’s face appeared in the lens.
Carmen scowled. I might have known . Sighing, she opened the door.
Felicity looked her up and down. “You’re okay, then?” Her voice held a hint of steel, and shame hit Carmen instantly.
“I’m sorry.” She stepped back and ushered Felicity into the house.
“There had better be a bloody good explanation for ignoring me for days and putting me on the verge of calling all the hospitals within a ten-mile radius to see if you’d been in a bloody accident!”
Carmen rubbed a hand across her forehead. “Come in. I’ll pour you a gin and tell you everything.”
Felicity’s intense gaze softened. “Sweetheart, what’s happened?”
“Come on.” Carmen walked back to the kitchen and headed to the end of the counter, where she kept her alcohol.
To her credit, Felicity kept quiet as Carmen mixed their drinks. She took a seat
at the breakfast bar and murmured her thanks when Carmen handed her drink over.
Carmen took a couple of fortifying sips of her own gin and tonic, then leaned against the breakfast bar opposite Felicity. “Last week I met up with Ash for one last coffee before she went away. I’m still not entirely sure how it happened, what triggered me to do it, but I ended up telling her how I feel about her.”
Felicity’s mouth opened, yet no sound appeared.
Carmen’s smile was wry. “Yes, exactly. And, of course, she doesn’t feel the same way and just wants us to remain friends, so I’m all shades of mortified now.”
“And that’s why you’ve been hiding from me since then?”
Carmen nodded. “I didn’t want to talk about it.”
“I suppose you’ve been working all this time too?”
“Of course. It’s my go-to when everything else turns to crap.”
“That explains the huge bags under your eyes. Oh, I am so sorry this happened.” Felicity patted Carmen’s free hand. “But you don’t need to be embarrassed. Surely, she was nice about it, wasn’t she? I can’t imagine her being anything else.”
“Oh yes, she was. Perfectly lovely.” She sipped her drink. “And I know on one level that I don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. People do this all the time, don’t they?” At Felicity’s nod she continued. “But it’s more than the embarrassment. I…I honestly don’t know what to do. I miss her. And I’m quite sure she doesn’t miss me the same way, and that hurts. More than I care to admit, actually.”
“I don’t mean to sound trite, but it will pass. It always does. I mean, yes, the way you spoke about Ash, it was obvious you felt quite a bit for her. More than you’ve had for anyone since Lewis, it seems, but it’s not like you were actually involved, was it?”
“I know, I know. And yes, missing her is a complete waste of my energy, given she doesn’t want me.”
Felicity frowned. “Is that actually what she said?”
“Huh?”
“Did she actually say she didn’t want you? Didn’t share the same feelings?” Felicity’s gaze was back to intense, and it was a tad intimidating.
Carmen cast her mind back to that awful couple of minutes in the sun the previous Wednesday. “Well, no, not in so many words. I told her that I was attracted to her, and she said she just wanted us to be friends.”
“Ah-ha!” Felicity’s eyes gleamed with triumph.
Carmen stared at her. “What?”
“Darling, do you remember I found that sketch of you she’d done, when I, um, paid her that visit?”
“Yes.” Carmen drew the word out. “But what does—?”
“I think that means she does find you attractive.”
“Maybe she thinks I’m nice to look at. But that’s very different from actually being attracted to someone or wanting to date them, isn’t it?”
“I suppose so.” Felicity tapped one fingertip against her chin. “But you said yourself there have been some looks, some moments, between the two of you, in many of your meetings. Don’t you think that might mean it’s more than her finding you beautiful?”
Carmen sighed. “Even if it does, she’s said she’s not interested, so it’s a moot point.”
Felicity leaned forward and pressed a fingertip into the marble top of the breakfast bar as if to emphasise her point. “She didn’t say that. She didn’t say, ‘I don’t feel the same way’, or ‘Sorry, but you’re not my type’. If someone told me they were attracted to me and I didn’t feel the same way, I’d come right out and say so.”
“Hmm, but that’s you. And we know you’re always more, um, outspoken than a lot of people.”
Felicity snorted. “Perhaps. But I stand by what I said. I think there’s something else going on here. God knows what, though. Have you heard from her since she arrived in South Africa?”
“Um, yes, I have. She messaged to say she’d landed okay and then again yesterday to say she was all settled in Kruger.”
They’d been sweet messages, chatty and friendly. However, both had stung just a little as memories of the woman who had sent them swamped Carmen and left her feeling helpless in the face of her emotions. She’d only answered the first one, with a simple “Glad to hear it!” She needed much more time before she could engage in the kind of banter Ash seemed to be looking for.
Felicity’s grin was wide. “I don’t think you should give up hope on this just yet, darling. I think you might be in her thoughts just as much as she is in yours. There might yet be something here.”
Carmen wanted to believe in Felicity’s optimism, but all her mind could focus on was the memory of Ash looking like a startled rabbit ready to bolt as soon as Carmen’s confession had registered.
“I’m not so sure about that,” she whispered.
Ash lifted her binoculars once more. The viewpoint above the river here at Olifants Camp was sensational.
Below her, a group of three giraffes were drinking from the water. With their front legs splayed wide, they looked like giant tripods. God, Carmen would love this. Ash quickly snapped a couple of photos on her phone. Melancholy seeped into her bones.
It was a gorgeous day. The air was filled with birdsong and the sounds of insects. She’d spent the entire morning at the viewpoint, taking some time to just breathe it all in. After driving for a week around Kruger, stopping at one camp after another, she’d deliberately planned to have a few days at this one stop so that she could relax a little. She should be feeling happy, and on one level she was because Kruger was everything she’d hoped it would be. But…
She couldn’t stop thinking about Carmen and how everything had gone so wrong ten days ago. And she also couldn’t help thinking about how wonderful it would be to share something this beautiful with her. She could picture Carmen sitting beside her, her eyes wide in delight at the scene before them.
And every night, even though she was desperate for sleep, her mind insisted on letting her imagine holding Carmen, their heads touching, talking quietly about what they’d done that day and where they might go the next day.
Why did I turn her away? She’d been second-guessing herself every day since she’d walked away from Carmen that Wednesday morning. She had no recollection of what she did in the studio on the Thursday. Jesus, I hope I set the bloody alarm.
Carmen was pretty much everything Ash would look for in a partner. Not only that, holding her for those brief moments had been one of the most arousing experiences of Ash’s life. And also one of the scariest. When Carmen had been in her arms, all she could remember was holding Vikki that way. And look how that turned out . A sour taste filled Ash’s mouth. She stood and paced around the lookout, which she thankfully had to herself at the moment.
“I definitely did the right thing,” she said out loud, standing with her hands on her hips, gazing down to the river below. “I know I did.”
Except…somehow her mind wouldn’t quite let her believe it. Carmen looked so upset when I backed off. If it really was just a curiosity thing, as Felicity’s had been, would she have looked so hurt? Or maybe that had been the embarrassment. She probably just felt it a little stronger than Felicity did. God knows I’d feel it that much if I’d done that to someone.
Later, as she picked at her lunch in the camp’s restaurant, she used their Wi-Fi to catch up on messages and Facebook. There were no texts from Carmen, which didn’t surprise her, even though it stung just a little.
A message from Damian cheered her up, asking how the trip was going and if she’d be able to visit the couple of great viewing spots he’d recommended. He’d told her about them before she left, but in all the rush to get ready and the drama with Carmen, she hadn’t written them down. She tapped out a reply to thank him for reminding her. He was online, and the three little winking dots told her he was replying.
No worries. How are ya?
I’m good , she lied. Having a great time . Also a lie.
Cool! Beers when you get back. We haven’t
caught up in ages, mate!
Maybe by the time she got back to the UK, she’d have figured out how to deal with everything related to Carmen. Because Damian was like a bloodhound when he got even a hint of trouble brewing, and she’d never get away with such lies face to face.
Sounds great!
What was one more lie added to the list?
Chapter 26
Tristan looked as dapper as ever, even in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt, when Carmen spotted him waiting for her at Gare du Nord. It was nearly ten o’clock at night, but he looked fresh and rested, his dark blonde hair, curly like her own, longer than she remembered. They hugged for several moments, and she berated herself yet again for not making time for her brother.
“Jesus, you look exhausted!” Tristan held her at arm’s length.
“Thanks.” The response lacked the bite she was aiming for; she didn’t have the energy.
He cupped her cheek. “Okay, whatever is going on, you can tell me over the champagne waiting for us back at the apartment.”
“Fair enough.” She looked around. “No Jean-Pierre?”
“He’s at home, preparing a few late-night snacks for us.” He slipped his arm through hers, grabbed her small roller case with his other hand, and led her towards the Métro.
The journey was quick and easy. Tristan and his partner now lived in a two-bedroom apartment in a fantastic old building a few streets away from Le Jardin du Luxembourg, south of the Seine. It was her first visit here, and as they climbed the ornate marble staircase up to the third floor, Carmen admired the beautiful building. Once again she found herself inordinately proud of what her brother had achieved.
As they stepped through the front door, Jean-Pierre rushed out of the kitchen. He also wore shorts but with a plain white T-shirt. His beard was, as ever, immaculately trimmed and his dark brown hair swept back from his head in a graceful wave. “You are here!” He pulled her into a warm hug, then kissed her cheeks. “At last.” He smirked as he stepped back.
“I know, I know.” Carmen held up her hands. “But better late than never.”
