Dare to Love

by A. L. Brooks

  “Très vrai .” He smiled and motioned for her to follow him to the living area, where the coffee table was covered with delicious-looking plates of savoury pastries, cheese, and crudités.

  Within minutes Carmen had her shoes kicked off, a glass of champagne in her hand, and two handsome men sitting beside her with deep frowns on their faces.

  “You look so down.” Jean-Pierre took her free hand and held it lightly. “What’s wrong?”

  There was no point in trying to pretend she was all right—she’d seen herself in the mirror that morning and knew how big the bags were under her eyes, how wan her skin looked. And that was after she’d put concealer on.

  “I’m not sure where to start.” She leaned back against the sofa and took a quick sip of her champagne.

  “Is it work?” Tristan asked.

  “Partly.” She blew out a breath. “Yes, that’s definitely playing its part. I’m working on a new business model, and the transition phase is a little tricky. I’m letting go of about twenty clients, and some of them are not going to be happy about it. So I’ve been meeting with my lawyer to make sure everything is above board and there can be no comeback.”

  “While I’m not unhappy to hear you’re reducing your workload, please tell me dropping these clients will actually achieve that? You’re not going to replace them with twenty more, are you?”

  “No, I’m not. I promise. The idea is to take them out of the equation so that I can then focus on the key clients. Maybe take on one or two more of those to compensate for the loss, but definitely no wholesale replacement.”

  “Thank God.” Tristan squeezed her forearm. “The last two years it’s been hard to watch from afar as you’ve run yourself into the ground.”

  “I love what I do. So of course I was going to work hard at it. But yes,” she said when he made to interrupt, “even I can now accept it was getting a little out of hand.”

  Her brother grinned and raised his glass. “Here’s to a new Carmen, one who can actually have a social life. Or maybe even a little romance.” He waggled his eyebrows.

  Carmen’s long sigh caused the amused look to slide off his face. “Maybe not that last part,” she said softly, annoyed to feel tears welling.

  “What?”

  “I’m having a little disaster in that area at the moment. I think it’s safe to say that romance will be the furthest thing from my mind for the foreseeable future.”

  “Who is he?” Tristan narrowed his eyes. “Want me to track him down and have the ‘don’t you dare hurt my sister’ talk?”

  She tried to laugh, but it didn’t get very far. “Her name is Ash, and no. But thanks anyway.”

  Tristan’s eyes bulged. “Her ? Wait a minute, that tattooist?”

  Carmen took a fortifying sip of champagne before answering. “Yes. Her. Top this up, and I’ll tell you all.”

  Tristan nearly fell over his own feet in his rush to get to the bottle on the table.

  Over the next hour—and into a second bottle of champagne—Carmen told them everything.

  “And you never had any attraction for women before? At all?” Tristan asked.

  “Not at all.” She shrugged. “I don’t begin to understand this, but I know I’m not alone. Those articles Maggie sent me made that perfectly clear.”

  “And is it just her? What I mean is, if this really is over before it started with Ash, do you think you would continue dating women?”

  Carmen’s mind whirled. “I honestly don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’ve been so wrapped up in her and what I hoped we could have.” She paused, opening her mind to the question. “I don’t think I can discount it. Now I’ve met a woman like her, one who does make me feel all the things I feel, then quite possibly I will continue dating women. Or at least have that as an option. Does that make me bi? I don’t know.” She shook her head. “All I know is I can’t think beyond her right now. It’s all still too raw. She’s who I wanted, and it can’t happen. So I need to regroup, concentrate on work again for a little while to keep me occupied, and then we’ll see.”

  “And you are sure she’s not interested in you?” Jean-Pierre asked.

  “As sure as I can be. Mostly.” She groaned. “I don’t know. Felicity is convinced Ash feels something.”

  “Ash could just be scared.” Jean-Pierre’s kind hazel eyes held her startled gaze. “I have a theory that might explain her reaction, her words. It happened to me, and I know many other gay people who have experienced the same thing so…” He rubbed his fingers across his chin. “Perhaps someone used her as a little, um, experiment in the past.”

  “Experiment?” Carmen frowned. “To satisfy some curiosity, you mean?”

  “Exactly.” Tristan sat forward. “I’ve had that too.” He turned to Jean-Pierre. “How come we never talked about this before?”

  Jean-Pierre laughed. “We probably wanted to forget it all.”

  “That’s true.”

  “Wait, you’ve both had men initiate something with you just because they were curious?”

  “Oh yes.” Tristan rolled his eyes. “Mine was a colleague, about ten years ago. Took me out to dinner, ordered champagne, the whole works. I honestly thought I’d found my dream man. And then he hit me with the sucker punch. ‘I’m married, but I’ve always wondered…’.” He shuddered. “Ugh, gross.”

  “Oh my God.” Carmen stared at them both. “That’s what Ash thinks I’m doing?”

  Jean-Pierre held up one finger. “Maybe. It is only a theory.”

  “Well, if she thinks that about me, no wonder she ran a mile.” Her understanding rapidly gave way to anger. “Wait a minute. She thinks that I would do that? How dare she?”

  Jean-Pierre smiled gently at her. “Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. It’s the situation; I’m sure. She would be nervous of anyone who she thought was straight suddenly announcing they find her attractive. If that is the reason she’s stepped back, I mean no disrespect, but I can understand her caution.”

  Carmen rubbed at her face, her tiredness now exacerbated by the three—or was it four?—glasses of champagne she’d had. “But if that is what’s going on with her, is there anything I can do to allay her fears? I mean, she’s said no to anything more than friendship, and surely I have to respect that.”

  “Yes, of course,” Tristan said. “But is there any harm in starting that conversation? Not to press her into something she doesn’t want, but simply to understand her? I mean, if you want to maintain a friendship with her, wouldn’t you like to know who she is and how she thinks?”

  “True.” But can I make a friendship work when I have all these feelings for her? How do I shut those down? Not to mention how hard it would be for her to hope for more and then be hurt again.

  “Maybe she also needs to hear more from you about how you feel. About how this isn’t a need to have one night and that’s it. Maybe she needs to know that you have real feelings for her.” Jean-Pierre pulled her into a one-armed hug. “Because you do, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” she whispered. “But having already put myself out there and been rebuffed, I have to be honest and say that the thought of telling her any more is terrifying. At this point, I’m not even sure if I want to get in contact with her at all. I don’t know what I’d say to her, how I’d be able to relax with her after my big revelation.”

  “Please don’t run away from this,” Tristan said quietly. “I haven’t met many of your partners, but I know I’ve never seen you so lit up about someone as this. Something other than work has grabbed at your heart, and I for one am delighted to see it.”

  It was true, but she shrank away from the implications. Life was so much simpler when work ruled her heart, not her relationships. Work never left her unable to concentrate or sleep. She’d thrown herself into her career tenfold once Lewis left. She’d never blamed him for following his calling—in a way, they were like peas in a pod when it came to their passion for their work, even though his in
volved working with refugees in far-flung corners of the world. But was that why she’d never properly committed to any of her subsequent relationships? Had she been scared to feel too much for someone in case they, too, left?

  Given how she felt right now, grieving and hurting even though she and Ash had never even got started, maybe that fear was fully justified.

  Chapter 27

  The week after her trip to Paris kept Carmen busy and distracted during the days and able to spend a lot of time—too much?—thinking during the evenings. However, she was grateful for the space afforded her because she had to process all that she was feeling and all that Felicity and Tristan had said to her.

  She knew the easiest thing to do would be to stop seeing Ash. Then she wouldn’t have to deal face to face with the aftermath of confessing her attraction. Nor would either of them have to figure out how to navigate their friendship with that confession hanging over them. But that would mean losing her friendship and support, things that Carmen had come to treasure so highly.

  After messaging Carmen that first day or so of her trip, Ash had remained silent in the face of Carmen’s non-response. It didn’t upset Carmen; rather, it made her grateful, and she would have messaged to say thanks if it wasn’t for the fact that she didn’t want to get into a chatting situation.

  But now it was Thursday, the night before Ash returned to the UK, and Carmen was still undecided about what to do. She stirred her camomile tea. Had Ash had a good trip? What animals had she seen? Carmen chuckled. Had she had any misadventures with rogue beasts? Despite everything, she was itching to hear Ash talk about Kruger and her experiences there. The memory of them sitting in the gin bar, Ash excitedly talking about all she was planning, resurfaced. It warmed Carmen, and a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

  She sipped her tea, then sat back in her chair. And I want to see her. Her heart thudded. If she wanted to meet with Ash, to talk about the trip as friends would, then she needed to treat the occasion as just that: a meeting between friends. Nothing else. No matter what anyone else might think about Ash and her motivations or feelings, she had told Carmen they would just be friends. It was that or nothing, and Carmen knew without a doubt she didn’t want nothing.

  She inhaled and let the breath out slowly. “Okay,” she said aloud into the quietness of her kitchen. “Friends it is.”

  Ash had just walked through her front door on Friday morning, lugging her heavy case behind her, when her phone chimed with a new text message. Assuming it was either Damian or Sophie welcoming her back, she didn’t bother to read it until she’d unpacked. When she did finally scroll open her phone’s screen and saw that the message was from Carmen, she flopped onto the sofa.

  She had returned to the UK assuming their friendship was over. So many times she’d wanted to message, to ask if Carmen was okay, but if she had and she’d received nothing in return, she would have felt even worse. So she’d kept her distance and crossed her fingers that somehow they could resurrect their friendship.

  Hi. I hope you had a good trip. I’d love to hear all about it! Any chance you’re free to grab a coffee on Sunday? Maybe at Alma’s?

  Ash put the phone down on the coffee table, wanting some time to think the request through. Certainly, there was nothing in it to suggest Carmen was being anything but casual. Okay, well, you wanted to be friends, and she’s holding out an olive branch that might lead to that . It should have been a relief, so why was disappointment her overriding emotion? She picked up her phone once more.

  Hi! Just got back. Trip was brilliant. Coffee on Sunday sounds good. What time is best for you? I’m free all day.

  They swapped two quick messages, agreeing on eleven. When nothing else came back from her final text, Ash left the phone on the sofa and headed for the shower, trying hard to ignore the annoying little jolt of excitement stirring in her stomach at the thought of seeing Carmen again.

  Ash arrived at Alma’s just before eleven on Sunday and grabbed the last table outside. To her surprise, Alma’s ran table service and a full lunch menu on the weekends. Maybe they could have a meal after their coffees. Assuming Carmen had time—or the inclination. After ordering a coffee and a glass of water from the waitress, Ash sat back and let the morning sun bathe her face.

  Carmen appeared a couple of minutes later, looking incredible in a light blue, sleeveless summer dress and low sandals. A pair of sunglasses was pushed up into her hair, the blonde curls bobbing as she walked. She was beautiful, and she took Ash’s breath away.

  “Hi,” Carmen said quietly when she reached the table.

  “Hey. It’s really good to see you.” And it was. Too good.

  Carmen pulled out the remaining chair and sat. “How are you?” Her smile was wide and confident, her entire demeanour poised and controlled.

  Ash had to admit she was surprised, given how their last interaction had ended. Wait, you’re disappointed she seems perfectly okay with everything between you? Did you think she’d be pining? Get over yourself.

  “I’m good, thanks,” Ash said. “And you?”

  “Great. Really good.”

  Jesus, any minute now one of us is going to say, “Nice weather, isn’t it?” Could this be any more awkward? Before Ash could come up with a better line of conversation, the waitress appeared and took Carmen’s coffee order.

  “Want a pastry too?” Ash looked across at Carmen with a small smile.

  “Why not? It would be rather silly to come here and not have one.”

  The light-hearted comment seemed to break some of the tension. Ash’s shoulders relaxed, and she grinned. “Well, obviously.”

  The waitress reappeared with their pastries, and they ate in a silence that was much more comfortable than Ash might have anticipated. She snuck a few glances at Carmen and once again was struck by how at ease she seemed this morning. There was no indication of embarrassment over what had been said the last time they were together. So maybe it was just a silly crush thing, like Felicity’s was, and she’s over it. And that was good, right? The kernel of disappointment lingering in her stomach said otherwise, and it annoyed her.

  “So,” Ash said after she’d eaten about half her pastry. “How was Paris?”

  Carmen took a sip of her coffee. “It was lovely. They’re doing very well for themselves.” Her gaze flicked away, but her smile didn’t waver.

  “Great.”

  “And work is very good. Important stuff happening this week that has me all fired up.”

  Ah, so perhaps that was also it, maybe even the main reason for the put-together Carmen. “That sounds good. What’s happening?”

  “Well, firstly, I’m in love with my job again, which feels wonderful. And secondly, wait for it—I’m cutting my client list!”

  “No!” Ash shook her head, then listened, a smile on her face, as Carmen launched into an enthusiastic explanation of how she was going to turn her business model upside down. There was a fire in Carmen’s eyes she hadn’t seen before. Ruefully, she acknowledged that she was a little jealous Carmen’s job seemed to have taken up all her thoughts once more.

  They finished their pastries and pushed their plates to the side.

  “So,” Carmen said. “Tell me about it. Which animals, how many, where, how. All of it!”

  Ash laughed; Carmen’s enthusiasm was infectious. She pulled out her phone and opened the album of photos she’d taken, then launched into the first story of her time away. As she related her tales, Carmen often chimed in with good questions or excited exclamations. She was adorable to observe when she was animated about something, and Ash’s emotions were all over the place by the time they reached the final photo. You wanted this, remember? You wanted your friend back, with no other nonsense in the way . And here she was, in all her glory, but Jesus, did she have to be so bloody attractive?

  “I’m so jealous.” Carmen smiled. “This trip looked fantastic. I have to do something like that one day.”

  “Ah, you will, I’m sure. G
et yourself a boyfriend who likes to travel.” Ash winked.

  Carmen sat back in her seat. “Um, yes.” She paused. “Or a girlfriend. Who knows?”

  Girlfriend? What the—?

  “What?” Carmen asked, eyes narrowed. “You look like I just shot you.”

  Ash ran her hand across the back of her neck, not quite sure how to phrase what she wanted to say next. “I guess I’m just a bit… Well, girlfriend?”

  Carmen opened her mouth, then closed it again. She drummed the tabletop with her fingers. “It’s possible. I mean, not right now. I, um, need a little time. But in the future, why not?”

  “Time?” Ash’s brain was working overtime to make sense of what Carmen was saying, but nothing was slotting into the right places.

  Carmen blinked and shifted in her seat. “Well, yes. I’m still working on moving past what I feel.” She blushed and looked away.

  Ash’s stomach roiled as if she’d just completed a full loop on a rollercoaster. “What you feel?”

  Carmen turned back to face her. “Yes.” She huffed out a breath. “Don’t make me spell it out. Being rejected once was bad enough.”

  “I didn’t realise.” Ash’s voice just made it past her tight throat. Carmen seemed to be saying that her feelings for Ash ran deeper than Ash had dared to believe—or accept. She didn’t know what to do with this. Even if Carmen felt more than a crush or infatuation, that still left Ash facing the prospect of risking her own feelings in a way she’d sworn not to do again.

  Carmen barked out a hollow laugh. “I thought I’d made it pretty clear before you went away.” She leaned forward slightly. “Did you think I was just like Felicity?”

  Guilt and confusion coursed through Ash. “Yeah, actually.”

  Carmen closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before again meeting Ash’s gaze. “I’m not curious,” she said quietly, her cheeks flushed. “Not just having some fleeting thought about what it might be like. It’s all about you, Ash. I love spending time with you. I love talking and laughing with you. I also find you incredibly sexy, and when I’m not with you, I can’t stop thinking about you.”