by A. L. Brooks
“What…” Felicity cleared her throat. “What if she doesn’t?”
Carmen stared at her. It was an awful thought. If Ash couldn’t work past this and gave up on them… “I would be devastated,” she whispered. “She makes me so happy in so many ways, and I know we could only have more if she would give us a chance. If she can’t…” She swallowed. “Then I suppose I have to respect her decision, as much as it would hurt me.”
“Well, I think she would be an utter fool if she did walk away.”
Carmen couldn’t disagree. In only a few weeks, she and Ash had shared so much. Why would Ash want to throw that all away?
Ash’s head still ached from a lack of sleep when she opened the studio at eleven on Saturday morning. The clanging of the shutters as they rolled up made her wince.
Coffee helped. A little. Thank God her first booked appointment wasn’t until half past noon, and for the first time ever she prayed there’d be no walk-ins until then. When the door opened only ten minutes later, her heart sank, and it sank even further when she saw who’d stepped into the studio.
Felicity.
Oh, great.
“Good morning.” Felicity spoke politely, but her posture was rigid, and the tightness around her mouth made Ash nervous.
“Hey.” Ash’s voice croaked, and she cleared her throat.
Felicity closed the door behind her and stepped further into the room. “Can we talk?”
Ash rubbed the back of her neck. “I’m kind of not really in the mood, so—”
“Excellent, I’ll start.” Felicity pinned her with a fierce look. “What on earth are you doing?”
“Felicity—”
“I can honestly say I’ve never seen Carmen so upset. She won’t thank me for being here, but I care too much for her to let you do this to her.” Felicity stalked closer. “Don’t you realise what you’re losing if you let your insecurity, however justified you feel it is, end things between you? Carmen is the most loyal, the most honest, and the most caring woman I’ve ever known. My God, her friendship has been everything to me these past twenty years or so, and I cannot imagine a better person to have by my side.”
Ash folded her arms across her chest. “You don’t understand.”
“I understand all too well. You got scared; that much was obvious from the story Carmen told me last night.” She tilted her head. “Fear is sometimes a good thing. It protects us, keeps us wary when we should be. But trust me on this, with Carmen you do not need to fear. Not in the slightest.”
“This is very hard for me,” Ash said after a moment. “I know you want to stick up for Carmen, and that’s great. I’m genuinely happy she has you in her corner. But you don’t seem prepared to take my feelings into account.” She stared at the woman before her. “You’ve known Carmen over twenty years. Good for you. I’ve known her only a few months and—”
“And those few months should be more than long enough to show you her character. If you can’t see it already by now, perhaps she is better off without you.”
“She’s an amazing woman; I know that!” Ash snapped. “Stop acting like I can’t see how bloody wonderful she is. I do see that. Honestly, I do,” she said in a quieter tone. “But this is all so new for her, and how are any of us to know if it’s what she wants longer-term?”
“For God’s sake, Ash, how do any of us know that with anyone?”
Ash’s ire rose again. “This is different. It’s her first time experiencing anything with a woman. That changes things.”
“Actually, it doesn’t.” Felicity straightened. “But you unfortunately seem to think so. What a shame.” She sighed. “I tried, at least. It was nice knowing you. I would have liked to get to know you better, as the partner of my best friend, but it seems that is not meant to be. Goodbye.” She turned and seconds later was gone, marching past the studio window, not sparing a single glance back.
Ash woke up in a foul mood on Monday, and things didn’t get any better as her day went on. She’d spent all of Sunday trying to avoid thinking about Carmen, and all that had been said, distracting herself with a trip to a travel exhibition out in Docklands. A part of her knew her stubbornness was not doing her any favours, but she was fed up with people telling her how she should feel and what she should do.
Oh sure, she knew, deep down, she ought to think about everything Carmen and, to a lesser extent, Felicity had said and work through this big barrier she’d put in front of what she and Carmen could be. And at least she’d made that much progress: She knew all of this was her own fault. But the fear of letting herself fall as deeply for Carmen as she expected to do, only for the rug to be pulled out from under her at some point, still held her back.
Shit, who was she kidding? She’d already fallen, hadn’t she? She missed Carmen. She missed talking to her on the phone and spending time with her. Missed the laughs they shared and the kisses that consumed them.
At six, having a small gap in her schedule before her next client at six thirty, she attempted to rearrange the storeroom, only to drop two boxes of inks and scatter a box of latex gloves all over the floor. She gave up, slammed the storeroom door shut behind her, and stomped over to the chair. Her work with her clients, thankfully, had not suffered during this shitty day, even if the storage boxes had. She’d tidy up tomorrow, assuming she could somehow wake up as a whole new person.
The studio door opened.
“Surprise!” Sophie called, shutting the door carefully behind her.
A calm happiness descended on Ash, pushing back her grumpiness, as she took in her niece’s beaming face. “Well, hello there.”
Sophie bounded over and gave her an exuberant hug.
“Whoa, someone’s happy.” Ash held her at arm’s length. “What’s going on, monkey?”
Sophie blushed, flopped onto one of the sofas, and twirled her hair repeatedly until Ash joined her.
“Come on, spill. Something’s up.” Ash found a grin from somewhere.
“Maybe.” Sophie chewed a lock of her hair. “Yeah, something good.”
Ash pulled the hair from Sophie’s mouth. “Spill!”
“Okay. God, pressure much?” Sophie paused, then squealed. “I’ve got a date!”
Ash’s mouth dropped open. “You have?”
Sophie nodded. “With Keisha, in case that wasn’t totally obvious.” She laughed loudly.
“So Keisha’s into girls too?” Ash’s heart pounded, and she didn’t know why.
“Maybe. I mean, I’m the first girl she’s been interested in. She was totally honest with me about it, that she was only just realising she might like girls too. And we talked about it and how we were scared and all that. She hasn’t told anyone yet, but that’s okay.” Sophie beamed at Ash. “I can’t believe I did it! I actually asked her, yesterday after French. I thought I would die. I was so scared she’d, like, laugh at me or, worse, get angry. But she didn’t!”
“Oh, wow. That is so great! I’m so happy for you.” Ash gave her niece a quick hug, surprised at how Sophie’s announcement made her feel. On the one hand, she was excited and pleased for her niece. On the other, she couldn’t believe how blasé Sophie was being about the whole thing. Wasn’t she remotely worried about Keisha’s situation? What if Keisha changed her mind about liking girls? What if Sophie got invested in what they had and Keisha walked away?
Sophie leaped up. “Okay, gotta go! I’m meeting Trina at the cinema in ten minutes.” She planted a big kiss on Ash’s cheek. “See you at the weekend?”
“Sure.” Ash was in a daze and barely lifted a hand to wave as Sophie sprinted out of the studio.
Two hours later, once her final client of the day had left, Ash sat back down on the sofa with a cup of tea and pondered Sophie’s visit. Or, more accurately, pondered her own reaction to what Sophie had said. She’d been alarmed at Sophie’s willingness to throw herself into whatever was happening between her and Keisha with, it seemed, zero thought for how it might play out. Was that the exuberance
of youth? Or am I just a scaredy-cat?
She didn’t used to be so fearful of committing to matters of the heart. Not until first Vikki, then Leesa had knocked her confidence. But she’d also worked through many of her issues through therapy, and a big part of her was concerned at how easily she’d forgotten all that good work the past few days. She thought she’d built up a good stock of self-confidence and the ability to take whatever life threw at her. The last few days it seemed she’d lost all of that. But I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt, so that’s okay, isn’t it? If she’d gone ahead with dating Carmen and then Carmen had realised being with a woman—or even just being with Ash—wasn’t for her, where would that have left Ash? Heartbroken, surely.
Ah , said a small voice, but what if Carmen hadn’t done that? What if you were exactly what she wanted and nothing went wrong after all?
This was always the trouble when getting involved with someone new. Trying to second-guess how things were going to turn out, always planning a few steps ahead to make sure you didn’t get your heart ripped into tiny pieces.
But Sophie isn’t trying to think ahead twenty-eight steps, so why are you? Sophie was just living for the moment, excited at what might happen between her and Keisha.
An uncomfortable feeling crept through her body, from her limbs inwards towards her belly. It wasn’t fear. It wasn’t even excitement.
It was regret, and it made her skin crawl.
I was just starting to have something amazing happen with Carmen—and I blew it because I forgot to live in the moment . Yes, of course there was a chance Carmen and she wouldn’t work out, just as there was every chance Sophie and Keisha wouldn’t work out. But if you stop yourself from getting involved with someone just because it might go wrong in the future, you may as well spend the rest of your life alone .
Chapter 36
Carmen finished reading the contract on her screen and closed it down. She sat back, rubbing at her aching eyes. It was only eleven in the morning, but her tiredness had stayed with her since the weekend. Three more days to get through. Then I have a weekend to myself for once .
Of course, the thought of having a whole two days to herself merely depressed her further. Last week, before everything had gone so wrong, if faced with a free weekend, she would have planned to see Ash at some point. Perhaps pop into her studio to take her some lunch. Maybe meet her for a late drink at the end of her Saturday. Maybe invite her back to her place…
But now none of those options were available to her. Having heard nothing at all from Ash since their disaster on Thursday, she was starting to believe they truly were over. Surely, if she meant anything to Ash at all, she’d have done that thinking already? Maybe missed me a little? Picked up the phone and told her what a mistake she’d made and how, of course, she did trust Carmen and wanted them to continue from where they’d left off?
Even if she said it, though, would I believe her?
Carmen stared morosely into her coffee cup, her gaze unseeing. Maybe I could book myself into a spa for Saturday. Get pampered. Read a book. Something, anything, to take my mind off the hurt .
She jumped as her intercom buzzed.
“Carmen,” Beverley said, “I have a delivery person here for you. They’re insisting you sign for the box personally.”
“What? Who is it from?”
“I’m not sure, but the box is from Alma’s.”
Carmen leaned her chin on her free hand. Well, that was grossly unfair of life, wasn’t it? As if she needed any more reminders of her time with Ash. Time that was now, it seemed, never going to be repeated.
“I’ll be right out.” There was no point in making a fuss about it—if the delivery person had been told to get her signature, that wasn’t their fault.
When she walked out of her office into the reception area, Ash stood before her, the Alma’s box in her hands.
Carmen’s heart leaped into her throat.
“Hey,” Ash said quietly.
Carmen stared, her mouth refusing to form words.
Ash held out the box; her hands were shaking. She looked terrified, as if she feared Carmen would throw her out. Or shout at her. Or perhaps both. “You know, Portuguese custard tarts fix everything. Remember?”
Carmen’s stomach fluttered, and the corners of her mouth tugged up. “Oh yes, that’s right. I remember.”
Ash smiled tentatively, then threw a glance in Beverley’s direction.
Carmen’s receptionist tried very hard not to look as if she was eavesdropping, but given the drama playing out directly in front of her desk, Carmen couldn’t fault her for being interested.
“Can we talk?” Ash asked.
Carmen nodded. “Let’s go into my office.” She turned and glanced back once to make sure Ash followed. She closed the door, thankful that Monica was out, and motioned for Ash to take a seat at the small meeting table in the far corner, underneath one of the skylight windows. After pulling out a chair for herself, she sat opposite Ash and waited. Her palms were damp, and her thoughts raced. She tried hard not to get her hopes up because she wasn’t sure she could bear the heartbreak all over again.
Ash placed the box of pastries on the table and settled herself in her seat. She looked drained. As if she, too, hadn’t slept at all these past few days. Her shirt, red with small white dots, was rumpled, and her hair looked lifeless and flat. The sight gave Carmen some small measure of satisfaction, even as a big part of her itched to wrap her arms around Ash and comfort her.
“I’m sorry.” Ash’s voice croaked, and she coughed to clear it. “God, I’m so sorry. I was an arsehole last week, and you didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry for doubting you. I’m sorry for not being able to get past what happened before, with someone entirely different, and for using it against you. I know I totally overreacted in the pub, and I regret every bloody word I said.”
Carmen’s pulse slowed a notch at the words, and her breathing came a little easier.
Ash leaned forward. “So I’m here to ask you to forgive me.” Her voice shook. “And I’m here to tell you I trust you. Completely. I trust you to always be honest with me. I trust you to care for me as much as I care for you. Because I care for you. So much. More than I ever did for Vikki. It…it scared me. How far and how quickly I was falling for you.”
Carmen’s breath caught, and she clutched at the hem of her shirt. Hearing those words, hearing the depth of emotion in Ash’s voice, made her flash hot and cold and want to shout for joy all at the same time.
“And you’re exploring all these new feelings, and together that just scared the crap out of me. I’m still scared, to be honest. I don’t want my heart to get broken any more than anyone else does. But I can’t fight what I feel for you. I tried, and it got me nowhere.” Ash’s hands twisted together on the table. “I’m not proud of trying to deny how I felt, but I honestly thought I was doing the right thing to protect myself from getting hurt. And instead, I hurt you.”
Carmen nodded. “You did. I won’t lie about that. But you being here now, that definitely helps.” She managed a small smile but didn’t rush to touch Ash or hold her. Ash’s posture, rigid and tense, told her she still had more to say.
“I know this isn’t easy for you. I know you’ve got a lot of things to still figure out. But I want you to know this—I am in this as far as it is humanly possible to get.” Ash held her gaze, her eyes expressing such a depth of emotion that Carmen’s heart began to pound. “I…I’ve missed you so much. Missed being with you and talking to you and knowing that you were a part of my life. Please, can you forgive me? Can we try again? Because I’ve honestly never wanted anything more in my life than a second chance with you.” Ash swept a hand through her fringe as it flopped down her forehead, and Carmen’s insides melted a little at the familiar gesture.
The sincerity of every word Ash had spoken shone like a beacon in the room. And the depth of feeling in Ash’s expression—of genuine regret, tenderness, and want—told Carmen
just as much as those words had. She knew Ash wouldn’t be here now, saying everything she’d said, if she didn’t truly want this. Want them and want them more than she wanted to protect herself. This, Carmen knew, was the biggest leap for Ash, and that more than anything told her what her response should be.
“Yes.” Her voice struggled to work its way past the lump in her throat.
Ash shuddered as if she’d just dropped a great weight off her shoulders, and she reached out a hand.
Carmen took it and held it tightly. She smiled as Ash stared back at her. “Yes,” Carmen said again. “Because I’m falling for you too, and I don’t want to waste another minute not being with you.” She stood, tugging Ash with her, and they stepped towards each other.
Then Ash’s arms were around her, and Ash’s lips pressed against her own. Everything fell back into place, right where it should be.
Chapter 37
The next evening Ash was a mix of nerves and excitement as she waited in her flat, lights turned down low, some classical music emanating from her laptop on the coffee table. It was past nine, and Carmen was on her way over for a late supper.
Turning up at Carmen’s office and spilling her heart out had been nerve-wracking and thrilling all at the same time. Holding Carmen once more, tasting those sweet lips, had been like coming home; a contentment she’d never known had washed over her as she pulled Carmen tight against her body.
Today they were starting over, this time with no holding back. She was all in now. To hell with fear.
The doorbell chimed, and Ash leaped up to open the door to Carmen, who smiled shyly at her as she stepped into the flat.
“Hey.” Ash didn’t hesitate and didn’t hold back. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Carmen.
Carmen moaned softly and pressed closer, slipping her arms behind Ash’s neck and pulling her down to meet her lips.
