In some ways, I guess that’s exactly what happened. One day we were best friends, the next, everything changed, and I was no longer part of her world. It was the hardest thing I ever had to accept, and something I clearly never got over.
I sighed again as I thought about the six years we lost together; the special days we both missed in each other’s lives. I would have given anything to have that time back. But I vowed that now I had her back in my life, I would never make that mistake again.
I didn’t know what kind of future I would have with her, or even how long that future would be, but I decided right then, I would make every day I have with her count.
I closed my eyes and rested my head back against her headboard, suddenly feeling beyond exhausted. I let out a long, deep sigh, as slowly exhaustion claimed me too.
I opened my eyes slowly and smiled when I saw Cassie lying next to me, her beautiful emerald green eyes staring straight into mine. But then I noticed the look on her face, and I knew something was very wrong.
“Cass,” I whispered, as I pushed up on the bed, feeling almost embarrassed I’d fallen asleep when I was supposed to be taking care of her. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she nodded, giving me a weak smile, but tears danced in her eyes.
“No, you’re not,” I said, sitting straight up on the bed. “You’re upset. Please, talk to me. Why are you crying?”
“Evan,” she whispered, as tears finally trickled down her face. “I’m so sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” I asked, surprised that she was apologising once again. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m sorry for everything,” she said, pushing up in the bed too, still looking me in the eye. “For everything I said to you the night of the party. For refusing to talk to you the next day. For how I acted every day after that. I was so stupid for how I treated you back then.”
“Cassie, that was so long ago,” I tried to reassure her.
“I know,” she sniffed as the tears continued to stream down her face. “But I acted like such a child. You were my best friend, and I took that friendship away from you without even looking back. I can never forgive myself for what I have done to us.”
“You were hurt,” I said, giving her a sad smile. “I hurt you with what I said that night. I should have never said what I did. Not to Charlotte, not to anyone.”
“But I should have let you explain to me,” she sobbed. “I should have just talked to you when you tried to talk to me. But I was so stupid. And still, even after how I treated you; you’re here when I need you the most.”
“How could I not be, Cass,” I whispered as I reached out and brushed away the tears from her face. “It’s always been you and me. It always will be.”
She smiled, but she dropped her eyes from mine, and I knew there was something else.
“What is it, Cassie,” I asked, as I reached out, taking hold of her chin, bringing her face up to look at mine. “Something else has you upset.”
“I didn’t want you to see me getting sick,” she whispered as fresh tears glistened in her eyes. “I didn’t want you to see me like that.”
“Why ever not?” I asked, surprised by her comment.
“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I guess I wanted to be brave. I didn’t want you to see me so weak.”
“Is… is that why you said you wanted the milkshake?” I asked, realising exactly what she had done. “You wanted me to leave? Why would you do that? Why wouldn’t you tell me that you felt sick? Cassie, it’s me.”
“Because I hate that I’m this sick, pathetic creature,” she sobbed once more. “This is not who I am.”
“I know who you are,” I replied, giving her a big smile. “I’ve known who you are all your life. You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met. You always have been. Today was a scary day, but you faced it with a smile, and made it easier for everyone else. So, you got sick! Cass, it’s me. Do you think how I feel about you would change, just because you got sick?”
“I just don’t want you to pity me,” she whispered, looking up at me from beneath her long lashes.
“I don’t pity you at all,” I assured her, reaching for her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Far from it. I actually think you’re kind of amazing.”
She didn’t reply. Instead, she smiled as her face flushed with embarrassment and it made me smile too.
God I was so in love with her. I wanted to tell her there and then how I felt. That I’d been in love with her for forever, but I just couldn’t seem to find the words.
I tried telling myself that it just wasn’t the right time or the right place to have that conversation, but deep down I knew it was more than that.
I knew Cassie loved me. I just didn’t know if she loved me in the same way I loved her.
I thought about the day before, and the guy in the hospital. Once more jealousy coursed through by body.
I didn’t catch the whole conversation, but I heard enough to know that Cassie was not looking for someone to make her life more complicated. Not when she had to face the fight of her life.
I decided right then that how I felt didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered to me was Cassie and getting her through this. Maybe once she was on the mend, we could look at the future together.
Chapter 10
Cassie
Today was the last day of Chemo for my first cycle. I got sick for the first two days; the second day wasn’t as bad as the first, but the doctor gave me anti-nausea medicine, and so far, the rest of the week had gone much better.
Each day that I had to come to the hospital, Evan came with me. We’d even convinced my dad he didn’t have to come with us after the third day. I told him that he needed to get back to work and that things needed to get back to something that resembled normality. He wasn’t thrilled about the idea of not coming with me, but I think deep down, he knew that it made sense.
So, it was just Evan and me. We spent the time playing chess, eating popsicles that the hospital gave to the patients for free and laughing. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed so much.
At least, that’s how it had been most of the week, but today something seemed a little off with Evan. I just didn’t know what. Still, I tried not to react to his mood. Instead, I was trying to keep things bright and normal as usual. At least as normal as they could be.
“You know you’re not supposed to be eating those,” I laughed as I watched Evan making short work of his popsicles. “They are cancer lollies for cancer patients. You have to be dying to get to eat these.”
“Cassidy!” Evan sighed, giving me a look that said he was far from impressed. “Why do you do that?”
“Do what?” I asked, giving him a questioning look.
“Make jokes about being sick or dying” he replied as he stood up and walked across the room to put the popsicle stick in the trash can. “It’s not funny.”
“I know it’s not funny, Evan,” I sighed impatiently, having no clue what had crawled up his butt today. “But I choose to see the humour in this whole fucked up situation. I have cancer, but I’m not dead yet.”
“Cass!” He groaned, once more giving me a pleading look. “You’re not going to die. You’re going to kick cancers ass, so quit saying you’re not dead yet.”
I stared at him for a moment, having no clue what the hell was wrong with him. I opened my mouth to reply but the door to the chemo treatment area opened, and Doctor Bridges came into the room.
“Cassidy,” she said with a big smile as she walked in. “Sorry, I keep forgetting, Cassie. How are you feeling today?”
“Good,” I replied, giving her a smile that I wasn’t really feeling right at that moment. I glanced over at Evan, and he was just staring at me. “Feeling okay. No Nausea.”
“I know the start of the week was tough,” she said as she sat down next to me and opened my chart, before she looked back up and me and smiled. “But you did really well once we got your medication right.”
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“Yeah,” I replied with a smile. “I haven’t been sick since the second day.”
“That’s great news, Cassie,” she replied, before looking down at my chart once more. “We’ve got your bloods back from today, and there’s been no change in your white or red blood count…”
“Is that bad?” I asked, feeling a knot of fear form in my stomach.
“No, no,” Doctor Bridges insisted with a shake of her head. “It’s still far too early to know if the chemo is working. But the fact that there is no change in your blood count is a good thing. It’s not any better, yes. But it’s not any worse either. This is good news.”
“Okay,” I replied, giving her a grateful smile, feeling a little relieved.
“So, for the next three weeks,” the doctor continued as she closed the file. “I need you to get plenty of rest. Eat well and try not to worry too much. I know that is asking a lot, given how things are, but I need you to try.”
“Okay,” I replied again, once more glancing over at Evan. This time he wasn’t even looking at me. Instead he looked like he was miles away.
“Do you have any more questions?” The doctor asked as she slowly stood up and gave me smile.
“No,” I replied, giving her a smile. “I think I’m all set.”
“Great,” she replied, as her smile widened. “Then we will see you in three weeks, unless you have any worries or concerns, then you can call or even come in.”
“Thank you, Doctor Bridges,” I replied, happy that I wouldn’t have to come back to that place for at least three more weeks. “I’ll see you in three weeks.”
“See you then, Cassie,” she said as she turned and walked towards the door. As she did, she smiled at Evan.
Evan smiled back, but I knew from the look on his face, he was still brooding over our earlier discussion.
“Are you still mad at me?” I asked, giving him a nervous smile once we were alone again.
I knew I had upset him, just like I knew he hated when I made a joke of the fact that I was sick. I don’t know why, but he didn’t like that I made light of the fact that I could die from this thing.
I knew what was happening to me was serious, but I refused to let this stupid disease make me sad. If I was going to beat this, then I needed to stay positive. And if I wasn’t, I refused to spend whatever life I had left, feeling sad and miserable.
“I’m not mad,” Evan sighed, giving me a sad look.
“Yes, you are,” I said as I pulled my feet up onto my chair, pulling my knees to my chest. “I know you better than you think I do. I made you mad by joking about this stupid disease, and I’m sorry. But, Evan… I refuse to be beaten by this. I refuse to let it make me sad.”
He gave me a strange look and opened his mouth to say something but stopped. Then he released a long breath as his shoulders slumped.
“I’m gonna hit the head,” he said, giving me a tight smile before he turned and headed out of the door of the chemo unit. I rested my head back on the chair and wished for the first time since I came home from L.A. that I was back there, back at school; away from my Dad, Evan and from this stupid illness.
“Are you coming in?” I asked as Evan pulled his jeep into the driveway behind my dad’s car. Dad had made sure he was home by the time I got home from the hospital.
Evan had barely said two words on the journey home, and I had no clue what the hell was wrong with him. All week, after we came back from the hospital, Evan had come into our house where we’d have something to eat, turn on a movie on the TV and I would end up falling asleep, curled up against him on the sofa. If I was honest, I had enjoyed every minute of it, but today, part of me actually hoped that he’d say no.
“I think I’m going to head home,” he shrugged without looking at me. “I promised my dad that I would help him out in the backyard this afternoon. He needs me to help him move some things about.”
I knew he was lying. Evan’s cheeks flushed whenever he lied. It was his tell. I just didn’t know why he was lying in the first place.
“Fine,” I sighed, feeling more than a little pissed off as I pushed open the door of the car. “Thanks for today.”
I didn’t wait for him to reply, instead I hurried up the driveway, towards the front steps to the house. As I started up them, my dad walked out onto the front porch, greeting me with a broad smile.
“Hey, Sweetie!” He exclaimed cheerfully as I hurried up the steps. “How did it go today?”
“Awesome!” I replied, a little more sarcastically than I’d meant to, but I was angry that Evan had lied, and I was angry that Evan was acting like an asshole.
“Cassie!” My dad called out as I pulled open the front door. “What’s wrong?”
“Ask Evan,” I snapped, as I hurried inside.
“Cass!” Evan’s voice floated into the house after me, but I didn’t stop, or even slow down. Instead, I stormed towards the stairs, and hurried up them, heading to my room.
When I was in my room, I climbed onto my bed, buried my face in my pillow and release a loud, frustrated yell.
“FUUCKKKK!!” I cried as I rolled onto my back. I stared up at the ceiling as my mind raced. I had no idea what the hell had just happened with Evan. All I knew was I felt beyond exhausted. I closed my eyes, and before I knew it, I’d allowed sleep to claim me.
I woke slowly and rolled over onto my side. Breathing in, I smelled a scent that had become so familiar to me over the last three weeks. I slowly opened my eyes and instantly found Evan’s grey eyes staring back at me.
He was lying on the bed next to me, lying so close that I could feel his warm breath on my face.
“Hey,” he said, giving me a nervous smile.
“Hey,” I replied, having no clue why he was here, or what I was meant to say to him. If I was honest, I wasn’t even that angry with him anymore. I was mostly just disappointed he lied about having something else to do when I knew he really didn’t.
I had no idea what had upset him so much that day, but something had. I just didn’t know if he was ready to tell me what that something was.
“Cass,” he began, making no effort to move from his spot on the bed next to me. “I’m sorry for acting like an asshole today. I didn’t mean to be such a dick to you.”
“You don’t have to explain…” I said, but he stopped me with his finger against my lips.
“No,” he said quickly. “I do. I owe you that much.”
“Okay,” I whispered looking into his eyes expectantly.
“It was nothing to do with you,” he sighed. “Well, not really. Dad was busting my ass this morning about my future. He’s still upset about the internship, and he wanted to know what I was going to do next. He thinks I should get a job or start looking into graduate school.”
“I see,” I said my heart sinking a little. I hated that Evan and his dad were at odds, and deep down inside I knew it was because of me. There was also a tiny part of me; a selfish part, that was terrified he was going to tell me he was leaving again. “So, what are you going to do?”
“Honestly, I don’t know,” Evan said, with a sigh, then he reached out and softly brushed the hair back from my face. “But what I do know is, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you today. You’re the last person I want mad at me.”
“I wasn’t mad,” I replied, and I could feel my face flush with embarrassment suddenly. “I was just disappointed.”
“Oh, God,” he groaned and rolled onto his back. “That’s worse.”
“What?” I laughed as I pushed up in the bed. “How is that worse?”
“I don’t know,” he laughed too. “It just is.”
“You’re an idiot!” I laughed again as I lay back down on the bed, shoulder to shoulder, staring at the ceiling.
“Well how about you let me make it up to you?” Evan asked as he rolled onto his side once more. “How about letting me take you out. Tomorrow night. We could go to dinner, maybe dancing, anything you want.”
“You wa
nt to take me dancing?” I asked, with a surprised laugh. “Are you trying to give my dad a heart attack in the process?”
“Well we don’t have to go dancing,” he laughed, looking into my eyes, giving me a smile that almost stopped my heart right then and there. “We can do anything you want to do. You just have to name it. So, tell me, Cassidy North, what would you like to do?”
I stared at him for a moment, my heart racing so fast I could hardly breathe. One single thought was now running around my mind.
I want you to kiss me!
I sighed, knowing I couldn’t say that, but as my face flushed hotter with embarrassment, I knew I needed to say something.
“Actually,” I said, suddenly knowing exactly what I wanted to do. “There is something I would love to do.”
“Name it,” Evan leaned up on his elbow, looking down into my eyes. “Anything you want.”
“I want to go to the beach,” I said, clearly surprising him by the look on his face. “You know that beach we went to when we were kids. The one just north of the city. Remember, the one where you taught me how to surf.”
“You want to go to the beach?” He asked, still holding my eyes with his.
“I haven’t been surfing since…” I stopped, trying to think when the last time I went surfing actually was. “Not since the day you stepped on the shell and cut your foot.”
“The day I got six stitches,” he said, his face lit up as he recalled the memory. “I still have a scar on my foot from that cut. Wow, that was… that was the week before…”
He didn’t finish his sentence, and I knew why. It was the week before my fifteenth birthday party. I’d noticed over the last three weeks that he didn’t like to mention the night of my party. Every time the subject came up, he would quickly change it.
“You know it’s okay to talk about it,” I said, giving him a warm smile. “The party I mean.”
“No, it’s not,” he shrugged, his eyes looking so deeply into mine, it felt like he was staring into my soul. “I don’t like to talk about the worst night of my life.”
Last Goodbye Page 9
