It was almost three o’clock when we pulled into Will’s driveway. I texted him to say we were running a little late, and that I would explain when we got back.
The drive back home had been a quiet one. Cassie had barely spoken two words since we left the bathroom. I knew she was upset, so I didn’t push her, but I wanted so much for her to talk to me. I hated that when she was sad or worried, she sometimes shut me out.
When I turned off the engine, neither of us made any move to get out of the jeep. Instead, I turned to face Cassie.
“Cass,” I sighed, knowing that there was nothing I could really say to make her feel better right at that moment. “I know this sucks and I know you’re upset, but please, don’t shut me out.”
“What is there to say,” she whispered as the tears once more spilled down her face. “This is how it is for me now. I’m the girl with cancer, I am going to be bald and look like a freak now. Why would you even want to be seen with me?”
“Because I love you, Cassidy North!” I exclaimed, stunned by her reply. “And you are not a freak. Jesus, Cass, how can you even think that?”
“Because I am,” she replied, her voice so cold it was almost unrecognisable. “And I don’t need you to feel sorry for me and stick around.”
“Is that what you really think?” I asked, feeling hurt she would even say such a thing. “That I am with you because I feel sorry for you.”
“I don’t know what to think,” she whispered as she wiped her face with the back of her hand, then blew out a sharp breath. “But either way; you’re off the hook.”
“What are you talking about, Cassie?” I asked completely thrown by how this conversation had gone. “Off what hook? What the hell are you talking about?”
She finally turned to look at me, but the look in her eyes almost broke my heart.
“Go back to San Francisco, Evan,” she said matter-of-factly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I’m grateful for what you’ve done these last few weeks, but I don’t want you here anymore.”
Without waiting for my reply, she pushed opened the car door and climbed out.
As she hurried towards the house, Will walked out onto the front porch and greeted Cassie with a bright smile, but his smile faded when he saw the thunderous look on her face.
“Cass,” he said as she hurried up the steps. “What’s happened?”
Cassie didn’t reply. She didn’t even slow down. Instead, she just stormed passed him, disappearing into the house, leaving me sitting there, wondering what the hell had just happened.
My first instinct was to climb out of my jeep, hurry into the house after her, and tell her I was going nowhere, that she didn’t get to make this decision for me. But I couldn’t move.
It was like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, and I could barely catch my breath now.
“Evan,” Will said as he came to the window of the Jeep. “What the hell happened?”
“Honestly, I don’t know,” I replied as hot tears burned my eyes. “We had the most amazing weekend. She had been so happy, and everything was perfect, but then this morning, as we were packing to come home, and she went into the bathroom…”
I had to stop for a moment, because I knew I was going to cry, and I didn’t want to cry in front of Will. I took a couple of deep breaths before I continued.
“She was brushing her hair,” I finally said, looking up at house where Cassie was right now. “And this clump came out in her hand…she just fell apart.”
“Shit,” Will sighed, knowing as I did that this was the one thing Cassie was most afraid of.
“She hardly spoke the whole way back,” I continued as my voice broke with unshed tears. “But then, when we pulled in here, she asked why I would even want to be with her, that she was the girl with cancer and a freak. She told me to go back to San Francisco, that she doesn’t want me here anymore.”
“Evan,” Will said, giving me a worried look. “You know she didn’t mean that. She’s scared and she angry. She is just lashing out.”
“I know,” I said as finally I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer. “I know Cassie loves me. But I think she needs a little space, and I think I do too.”
“Evan, you can’t let her push you away like this,” Will pleaded, and I could hear the fear in his voice.
“I’m…I’m not,” I replied, knowing that my leaving now was the wrong thing to do. But for some reason, I couldn’t seem to find the strength to do the right thing. “I just need a little time, Will. And so does Cassie.”
I started the engine and with a nod to Will, I slowly eased the jeep back out of the garden. With one more glance at the house, I put the jeep into drive and drove away.
I don’t know how long I was driving, or how I hadn’t managed to kill myself because it was hard to see through the tears, but after maybe a couple of hours, I found myself pulling back in to my folks driveway, feeling tired and completely broken.
I turned off the engine, but I made no effort to climb out. Instead, I sat there and stared at Cassie’s bedroom window from the safety of my jeep.
Suddenly the passenger door opened, almost killing me with fright. I instantly turned around and I was surprised to see Mike standing there. Before I could say a word, he climbed into the truck and pulled the door closed behind him.
“What are you doing here? I asked, stunned to see my big brother sitting there beside me.
“Well, I knew that Cass starts her second round of Chemo tomorrow,” he explained, as he gave me a sad smile. “So, I thought I would drive down and see how you guys were doing.”
“When did you get here?” I asked, glancing back towards Cassie’s bedroom window once more.
“I arrived home yesterday,” he laughed. “Guess I should have called first. But I thought I would stick around for a few days, and something tells me it’s a good thing I did.”
“Yeah,” I sighed, once more looking towards Cassie’s window.
“I spoke to Will,” Mike continued. “He told me what happened.”
“This is all just so messed up, Mike,” I sighed, as once more tears spilled down my face. “I love her so much, but I am so scared I’m going to lose her.”
“I get that,” Mike replied, releasing a long breath. “But you know, running away is not the answer.”
“I didn’t run away,” I shot back quickly, surprised that he would even suggest I had. “Cassie told me she didn’t want me here anymore. I was just giving her some space. I didn’t run anywhere.”
“Then why are you sitting here in this jeep, staring at her house?” He asked, giving me that smile he always gave me when he was sure he knew best. “Why haven’t you marched in there and told her that she doesn’t get to take your friendship away again? Why aren’t you fighting for her?”
“And what if she tells me to go to hell?” I asked, knowing that I was beyond terrified that I wouldn’t be able to reach her again, just like when we were kids.
“Then you fight harder,” Mike replied. “Evan, you have loved her all your life. And she has loved you. She is scared and angry. It’s normal for her to lash out and push you away. But it’s your job to push back. If you love her like I think you do, you won’t let her do this alone. You will walk over there and tell her that you love her, and you aren’t going anywhere.”
I knew Mike was right. I knew I had to step up and be the man she needed me to be, no matter how much she tried to tell me she doesn’t need me.
“Okay,” I sighed, pushing open the door of my jeep, then I climbed out. I paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before I glanced back at Mike and gave him smile. “Thanks, Mike.”
“Anytime,” he replied returning my smile.
I nodded, then I turned and made my way down the little pathway, taking the shortcut to Cassie’s house.
I hurried up the front steps and marched inside, heading straight for the stairs. As I hurried up the staircase, I spotted Will from the corner of my eye stand
ing at the bottom, but he didn’t say a word.
Instead, he left me to carry on, probably knowing that nothing would have stopped me anyway.
When I reached Cassie’s room, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even pause to knock on the door. I just marched in there, determined to make her listen to me.
“Evan!” She exclaimed as she sat up on her bed, her face soaked with tears, her eyes red and puffy from crying. “What are you doing here?”
“What do you think I’m doing here?” I said as I marched towards the bed and sat down. “Cassidy North, you are the love of my life, and I know I’m yours. So, you have cancer. So, your hair is falling out. So what! You don’t get to tell me that I’m not allowed to love you because of that. You don’t get to push me away, not this time.”
“Evan…” she began to protest, but I was on a roll and she was not going to stop me now.
“Cassie, I know that what’s happening to you is scary,” I continued. “The truth is, I’m scared to. I watch you when you sleep because I’m so terrified that I will lose you again. But do you know why I’m so scared. Not because I pity you, but because I love you.”
I reached out and took her hand in mine.
“I love you, Cass,” I repeated. “And I am not going anywhere, so please, stop pushing me away.”
“I love you, too,” Cassie whispered as she leaned up in the bed and threw her arms around my neck. “I’m so sorry, Evan.”
“You don’t have to be sorry, Cassie,” I whispered, holding her closer to me. “That’s the thing about love, we get to be idiots, but love never walks away. I will never walk away from you, Cass. It’s going to be you and me forever.”
“I don’t know if I have forever to give,” she whispered, almost breaking my heart with that thought.
“Well I do,” I whispered, holding her even tighter. “I have enough forever for us both, and I promise, I will love you until the day I die.”
Chapter 16
Cassie
I sat on the stool in the middle of my father’s kitchen and I stared down at the scissors in my hands.
“Cassie, are you sure you want to do this?” My dad asked, giving me a look that said he was completely and utterly terrified. “Maybe you might want to think about this a little longer.”
“What’s to think about, Dad?” I asked, giving him a sad smile, trying my hardest to put on a brave face. “Nothing I do now will stop it from falling. I may as well get it over and done with.”
“I know, but…” my dad stopped, and I knew he was upset. Suddenly tears danced in his eyes. “It’s your beautiful hair.”
“I know I freaked out earlier,” I said as I gave him a reassuring smile, before I looked over at Evan. “But I’m okay with this. It’s the right thing to do. Besides, it’s just hair; it will grow back. Right?”
“If you’re sure this is what you want to do,” Evan said, giving me a smile, but I could see the worry still in his eyes, but I knew he was trying to be stronger for me. “Then we support you.”
“Well, I can’t do this with you two looking at me like I’m about to kill your puppy,” I sighed, then laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “Come on, I’m shaving my head, it’s not the end of the world.”
Before either of them could reply, there was a knock on the back door, then it opened moments later. I turned and smiled when I saw Clare walking in, but then I spotted Tim and Mike behind her, and my heart sank a little.
My humiliation is complete, I thought to myself, miserably.
“I brought over the hair shaver you asked for, Cassie,” Clare said as she walked across the kitchen, and kissed me on the forehead. “And I thought you could use a little moral support too, Sweetheart.”
“Thanks,” I said giving her a smile that I honestly wasn’t feeling. The truth was my heart was breaking, but I needed to try to put on a brave face for my dad and Evan. I couldn’t let them see just how broken I was actually feeling right at that moment.
I hated cancer. I hated what it was doing to my body, what it was doing to my life. But mostly I hated how helpless it made the people I loved most in this world feel.
Clare looked into my eyes and she smiled once more. I knew she could see just how upset and mortified I was actually feeling, and that the smile on my face was just for show.
Without missing a beat, she turned and looked at all the guys standing there in the kitchen looking like a bunch of old worried hens.
“What is with all the gloomy faces,” Clare said as she draped her arm around my shoulder, giving me a squeeze. “If anyone knows how to rock this haircut, it’s Cass. So, lighten up, she is going to look just as beautiful as always.”
She looked at me and I gave her a grateful smile. I knew she was trying her hardest to make this easier for everyone, especially me.
“You know,” she said, taking hold on my hand. “I really think this is more of a girly moment. Why don’t we take this stuff up to your bathroom and we can do it, then we can do a big reveal to these gloomy guys when we’re finished.”
“Sure,” I said getting up from the stool, feeling relieved that even for five minutes, I didn’t have to sit there and look at my dad and Evan’s hearts breaking as I did this thing.
When we reached the bathroom, I walked to the mirror and looked at my reflection, then I looked down at the scissors that was still in my hand. I knew cutting it off was the right thing to do, I just couldn’t seem to make my hand do it.
“Would you like me to do it for you?” Clare asks, giving me another smile.
“Would you mind?” I asked, giving her a pleading look. “I mean, I know this is the right thing to do…”
“You just can’t bring yourself to do it,” Clare said, finishing my thought as she took the scissors from my hand.
I shook my head, suddenly unable to speak because I knew if I did, I would just cry.
“I would be honoured,” Clare whispered as she blinked back her tears.
She kissed me softly on the forehead before she reached up at took my ponytail gently in her hand. With one last glance in the mirror at me, and a nod, confirming that this was what I wanted, she reached up with the scissors and cut my ponytail off with one cut.
The moment she did, I couldn’t hold back the tears that were burning my eyes. They spilled down my face, but I quickly brushed them away.
“It’s okay to cry, Cass,” Clare said as she carefully seat my ponytail down on the vanity table. “Because this is so not fair, Sweetheart. I know you’re trying your best to be brave and strong. But you don’t have to be brave and strong for me.”
“I know,” I said as I looked up into her eyes, wishing like I always did that she was really my mom. “I never had to pretend with you. You always could see through me anyway.”
“That’s what moms do,” she said with a smile, as she leaned forward and kissed the top of my head. “And I know I’m not your real mom, but the truth is, I always thought of you as my daughter.”
“I always thought of you as my mom,” I replied, giving her a tearful smile. “Thank you for doing this for me.”
“I would do anything for you, Sweetie,” she smiled, as she wiped the tears away from my face. “Now, are you ready to finish this off?”
“I guess so,” I sighed, knowing that there was no point in putting off the inevitable.
I pulled out the little stool I had next to the sink and I sat down. Before she continued, Clare got a towel from the towel rack and wrapped it carefully around my shoulders, before she picked up the shaver. With one last smile, she set to work, removing the rest of my hair.
As she did, the tears flowed freely and for the first time the thought occurred to me. I might make it through this after all.
Suddenly my mind was filled with all the things I needed to do, just in case the worse should happen. Suddenly I felt tired.
Finally, the buzzing stopped, and Clare pulled the towel from around my shoulders.
“You’re all done,” s
he said, and for the first time I realised that she was crying too. “And can I just say, Cassie. I don’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful than you do right now.”
I stood up slowly from the stool and walked back to the mirror, keeping my eyes closed as I did. Taking a deep breath, I finally opened my eyes and looked at my reflection.
For a moment I couldn’t breathe. I felt like someone or something had sucked all the breath from my body.
My hair was gone. Bit by bit this cancer was taking away every little thing that made me feel like a woman.
I blew out a long breath, knowing that there was no point in crying about it any longer. Crying was not going to bring it back. I turned back to Clare and gave her a broad smile through my tears.
“Thank you for doing this for me,” I said, genuinely grateful for having her here with me. “I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to do this for me.”
“It was an honour that you trusted me enough to do it,” she said, as she wiped away her tears, before she wrapped me in her arms and hugged me so tightly, I could barely breathe.
As she released me, I stepped back and I looked up into her eyes, just as something crossed my mind. I knew I needed to ask someone to make me this promise, and I knew Clare was the only person that could do that.
“Clare, can I ask you for another favour?” I said, knowing what I was about to ask her would probably be a lot to ask anyone.
“You can ask me anything, Sweetie,” she replied with a smile. “Anything I can do to help.”
“If something should happen to me,” I began, the words almost catching in my throat as I said them. “If I don’t survive this, I need you to promise me that you won’t let my dad or Evan give up.”
“Cassie, you shouldn’t think like this,” she said taking my face in her hands. “You have to believe you’re going to beat this.”
“I know,” I assured her. “And I do. But if I don’t. I need to know that my dad and Evan are both okay. I need to know that they both can be happy again.”
“Cassie,” Clare whispered, as suddenly tears spilled down her face.
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