Lee stirred and shifted her body toward mine. I smiled a little, relieved that she still did that because, before all this happened, no matter how far away I rolled from her in bed, she always scooted toward me. I started humming again and I felt her hand tighten around mine. I leaned down and kissed it, resting my forehead against her hand.
“I love you, too, Richard,” she whispered in her sleep.
A warm tear escaped my eye and landed on top of her cold hand.
“Forever, baby,” I said, smiling as I let my eyes close so I could finally sleep.
—Lillian
I was released from the hospital earlier than expected so that I could go to Nina, Ruth, and Linda’s memorial service. I didn’t want to go, but I couldn’t say that out loud. Everyone was making a very big deal about going and I didn’t want to seem like a bitch for saying no. I had nothing against anyone who wanted to go—I loved these girls—but to me, a funeral was nothing but a depressing pot-luck. Sitting around and listening to everyone talk about how wonderful the deceased had been, then going somewhere to eat and cry. I didn’t see the point. I already knew how wonderful and strong these women were. They were my sisters, and I loved them. I didn’t need to stand around a bunch of strangers to prove that.
I hadn’t spoken since my failed attempt at killing him. I couldn’t even say his name. He had no name in my mind. He would always just be him. After they stabilized him, the detectives moved him to another hospital. I felt like such a failure. I was there. I held his worthless life in the palm of my hand. I wasn’t going to choke this time, I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice, but I did.
No one spoke of it, and I appreciated that. I didn’t need a reminder of my failure. Noah was the one to come into my room and explain to me that it never happened. The hospital staff and the authorities were turning a blind eye to the incident, and it would never be mentioned again. I guess I should’ve been grateful, but I wasn’t. A part of me wanted him to know that when he was helpless, I had held his life in my hand. I should have just shoved a blunt object through his heartless fucking chest.
Emma and I hadn’t been back to the apartment because the media had apparently set up shop on our street. Luke said the reporters had been interviewing everyone in the surrounding apartments for weeks now, and any time someone even went in the general direction of our door they were swarmed. A barricade had been put up, but the reporters didn’t seem to care.
I was relieved when Richard’s parents offered to get us rooms at the hotel where they were staying. Both my mom and brother insisted I could stay with them, but I wasn’t ready yet. I knew they would just walk on eggshells around me, kind of like Richard, but worse. I wanted space, but at the same time, I didn’t.
I didn’t know how I felt.
The first night was the worst. After I got out of the shower and dressed, I stood there just looking at myself in the mirror for hours. It was the first time I had really looked at myself since . . . well, it had been a while. I didn’t even recognize the woman looking back at me. Aside from the cuts, bruises, and fading black eye, I still couldn’t see myself. It was as if I was looking at a stranger.
Richard had pulled me out of my thoughts with a soft tap on the door. His room was adjoining mine, so he was constantly checking up on me. I walked out to find the room softly lit and a picnic spread out on the carpet in front of the television. He was being supportive, thoughtful, and caring, and I felt like an utter bitch when I told him that all I wanted to do was sleep. The memorial was the next day and I knew I needed the rest. Being the wonderful man that he was, he smiled and nodded in agreement.
“It has been a long day, hasn’t it?” he said. “Rain check?”
I smiled back and gave him a hug, thanking him for his thoughtfulness. I went to bed, leaving the lights and television on for obvious reasons, and drifted off to sleep.
Almost instantly, as if the moment I closed my eyes, I was back in that room and the sound of a steel guitar echoed around me.
No. NO! I got out!
I looked down at my ankle and saw the chain around it. “No, this isn’t real. I’m going to count to ten and it’s all going to go away.”
The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs made me start to panic. “Anna! Kandace!” I shouted, but there was no response, no sound but the screech of the metal door and the haunting voice of Patsy Cline.
Keys jingled as the door closed, and the footsteps grew closer. I looked around for something, anything, I could use to defend myself from what was about to happen, but there was nothing.
“I fall to pieces, each time someone speaks your name. I fall to pieces. Time only adds to the flame.”
I covered my ears to block out the heartbreaking lyrics as the footsteps stopped in front of my door, and I held my breath, and closed my eyes.
It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real.
I heard the lock turn and the door being pushed open. I let out a shaky breath, opened my eyes, and cried out when I saw his silhouette in the doorframe. My body trembled when he reached behind his back.
“Nobody but you and me, whore.” He pulled out a gun and aimed it at me. “I always save my favorites for last.” He pulled the hammer back and sang along. “You walk by and I fall to pieces.”
The echo of the gun ended with the song as the bullet whizzed toward me.
“Lee, Lillian! Wake up!”
I sat up in bed screaming and thrashing out at whoever was holding me. Even when I realized that it was Richard, I still pulled myself out of his grasp. I tumbled onto the floor, realizing that the room was dark.
“Why aren’t the lights on?”
“I turned them off,” he answered, his voice cautious.
“Why?” I yelled. “If I wanted them off I would have turned them off myself.”
“I just thought—”
“No, if you had thought, you would have understood why I left them on,” I said.
I went over to the wall and flipped the switch, causing the room to light up. I noticed Richard was still sitting on my bed in his pajamas, looking like I had just slapped him in the face. I turned away from him, not needing to feel guilty for lashing out at him. I covered my face with my hands and tried to force back the tears that were trying to escape.
“I just need the lights on, okay?” I whispered.
“Of course,” he answered. I could hear him stand up and walk toward me. He didn’t touch me, but I could feel him right behind me. It was as if his body was radiating some kind of calming influence on me. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
I turned and wrapped my arms around him, pressing my cheek against his strong chest and whimpering. “I’m sorry, too.”
We stood there embracing and whispering how much we loved each other for what felt like hours, and for a small time, he helped me forget the pain.
I woke up in bed, still wrapped in Richard’s arms, and it felt so nice. I didn’t have the nightmare again, so I decided that if sleeping with Richard kept them away then he better get used to sleeping with the lights on.
Emma and the girls thought it would be nice if we all matched at the funeral, so Emma and her mom picked out black and white dresses for all of us. My mom did my hair, and Emma finished my makeup. Once we were all ready, we left by the back exit of the hotel. The media had been less than respectful toward us; it was almost as if they felt we owed them something. Luckily, we had a police escort for the forty-five-minute drive to Fairmount Cemetery.
We couldn’t help but be grateful at how supportive they were being, but it all came with a price.
“Wow, Fairmount? That’s pretty—”
Emma turned to Luke and gave him a dirty look. “Luke, don’t even.”
“What? I think it would be an honor to be put to rest next to so many historical figures.”
Mrs. Haines huffed and crossed her arms. “Really, Luke? Keep it to yourself. This is neither the place nor the time.”
“Sorry,” he said, as the car pul
led off to the side. I sat there for a minute, watching the flow of unknown faces pass by as they headed toward the three coffins at the top of the hill. I spotted the others right away, since we were the only mourners wearing identical dresses. They all smiled and hugged each stranger that approached; each unfamiliar face was probably a relative or close friend of one of our fallen sisters.
“Lee?”
I turned to see Richard extend his hand toward me. I took a deep breath and placed my hand in his.
“Just say the word and we’ll go, okay?” he whispered, kissing the side of my head.
I slipped on my sunglasses and nodded, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other as I followed my family to our seats.
It was eerie to look at the large blown-up pictures of Nina, Linda, and Ruth. The pictures made them seem so calm, so happy. A snapshot in the life of a girl that would never have existed again, even if they had survived. Emma, Anna, Kandace, Sara, and I all had white roses with us, and we walked by the caskets and dropped the flowers in the ground as they were lowered. I stood there watching my fallen sisters’ caskets sink into the darkness and I found myself becoming annoyed at their families. These girls died in the darkness, and now they were being left there to rot. I felt a hand on my shoulder but I moved away, not wanting anyone to touch me.
“I’ll just . . . give you a minute,” I heard Richard say, and I turned around to see that I was the only one left standing there.
“Thank you,” I whispered as he walked away.
I stood there and watched as the workers started shoveling the dirt over their caskets. I found it hard to breathe when I looked down and saw that I couldn’t even see Ruth’s casket anymore. I felt the tears start to roll down my cheeks as Linda’s soon became consumed in dirt. I glanced at Nina’s and nearly fell to my knees when I saw that her grave was almost full. I couldn’t bear the thought of walking to the car yet, so I turned in the opposite direction and ran. I found a quiet spot and sat down, leaning against a tall tree. It seemed a good place to allow myself to have a much needed breakdown. I don’t know how long I was there, but when I finally opened my eyes, the sky had already started to darken a little.
“Lee,” a soft voice said. I looked over my shoulder and there stood my sisters. One by one, Emma, Anna, Kandace, and Sara came toward me, and sat down around me.
“We need to get drunk.” Sara sniffled.
“Fuck that.” Kandace laughed. “We need to get fucking wasted.”
All the girls laughed.
“Well, I guess that makes me the designated driver.” Anna sighed.
“Fuck yeah, Anna, that’s the spirit.” Kandace laughed.
Emma shrugged. “Why not? I think we’ve earned it. What about you, Lee?”
“Sure,” I nodded. “We evaded death . . . I think we deserve it.” Anything to help numb the constant feeling of failure that seemed to be wrapped around me.
While the girls went off with their families to get their things and let them know that they were coming back to the hotel for some girl time, Emma and I made our way down the hill toward our limo. Richard and Adam were waiting outside the car, smoking.
“When did this start back up?” I whispered to Emma.
“Do you really have to ask?”
I waited outside the car with Richard while everyone got in. I had the feeling he wanted to say something, and sure enough he did.
“Look, I’m sorry about the whole smoking thing.” He ran his fingers through his hair.
“It’s okay. I understand.”
“I’ll quit. I swear.”
“Richard . . .” I said with a smile, raising my hand and resting it on the side of his face. “It’s okay.”
He calmed instantly and sighed, leaning into my hand and nodding.
We made it back to the hotel quickly, and Emma and I explained to the guys that we just needed some girl time alone in my room. They seemed hesitant at first, but we finally came to an understanding—and I promised to leave the adjacent door unlocked to Richard’s room so they could come and check on us at any time.
I quickly showered and changed as the others did the same, and by the time I got out of the bathroom all the girls were sitting on my bed, arms full with every little bottle of alcohol they had in the mini fridge. We sat in silence for a minute, looking at the large pile of booze that sat before us—and feeling brave, I picked up the small bottle of Jack and opened it.
“To Ruth,” I said, lifting the bottle in front of me.
Sara picked one and opened it, clinking it against mine. “To Nina.”
Kandace laughed and opened a bottle, too. “To Linda. Lord knows that crazy bitch is looking down at us, pissed off that she’s missing out.”
Emma picked a bottle, opened it, and sighed. “To making it.”
Anna lifted her bottle of water and rubbed her belly with her other hand. “To our sisters,” she said, looking over at me.
We all smiled and pounded down our drinks. It had been a while since any of us had drunk alcohol, so we all kinda had a hard time with choking down that first round. By the seventh, we were all starting to unwind. Well, all but Anna.
“Can I just say something?” Kandace slurred, sipping her drink. “Was it me or did that bastard have the worst breath ever?”
“Kandace,” Anna groaned. “We swore not to talk about him.”
“I know, but come on . . . you have to admit—”
“Yes,” Sara and I said at the same time.
“Can I ask something?” Emma whispered. We all nodded for her to continue. “I know I didn’t have it as bad as the rest of you, but am I the only one that has to sleep with the lights on?”
“Hell no.” Kandace laughed. “I sleep with everything on.”
Emma looked over at me and I nodded in agreement. “Don’t worry, you’re not the only one,” I said.
“I don’t want to be here,” Sara said, looking at her empty drink with teary eyes.
“Neither do I.”
“Where the hell do you want to go?” Anna asked.
“I want to have a drink with all my sisters,” I whispered, clutching the small bottle in my hand.
“You are,” Emma said.
“No, we’re not.” Kandace looked at me and nodded.
“No,” Anna said quickly. “No way. It’s locked up and my fat ass is not jumping any gates.”
“Come on, Anna,” I pleaded. “They had their time to say goodbye, and now it’s our time.”
“Lee, I—”
“They put them in the ground, Anna,” I yelled. I got off the bed and pulled my shoes on.
“Lee, where are you going?” Sara asked.
“I’ll go alone. I don’t care, but I don’t want to be here,” I said in a rush, grabbing a sweater and pulling it on.
“Well, I’m in,” Kandace said, taking the rest of the booze and slipping it into the pockets of her robe. She turned around and looked at Sara and Emma. “You coming?”
“Why not?” Sara replied. “I’ve got nothing better to do.”
I looked over at Emma who gave me a small smile.
“Are you sure, Emma?” I asked.
“Positive.”
I didn’t know what Emma said to Richard and Adam, but less than an hour later we were standing outside the gates to the cemetery.
“Again I say, how are we going to get my fat ass over this?” Anna groaned.
Before any of us could answer, Kandace started to climb up the gate.
“You are fucking crazy.” Sara laughed.
“And so am I.” I sighed, following Kandace up the gate.
Soon Kandace, myself, Emma, and Sara were on the other side of the gate waiting on Anna to join us.
“Come on, Anna. It’s really not that bad,” Emma promised.
“You guys better catch me if I fall,” Anna yelled, starting to climb up the gate. We all cheered once her feet touched the ground on the other side. We started to walk away when Richard called out
for me.
“Be careful,” he whispered, reaching out and touching my face as soon as I returned to the gate.
“I will.” I smiled, leaning into his touch. “Thank you, you know, for doing this.”
He smiled and nodded. “Go do what you gotta do.”
It was easy to find the grave site. I guess the workers were going to wait until the morning to remove all the flower arrangements and photos. We stood there silently, each of us in our own world. I was more than confident that the others were thinking about what they went through down in that hole, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t. My thoughts were only on the three faces that seemed to be staring back at me from their pictures.
I had never even known Nina, but I clearly felt some type of burden seeing her face. It was as if I failed her, too. Not by not saving her, but by not giving her the justice she deserved. My eyes scanned over Linda’s picture quickly, unable to find the strength to look into her eyes. Linda was a perfect example that he could have killed any one of us at any moment. I fought back the tears when I turned to Ruth’s picture, so innocent and sweet. I could still hear the sound of her neck being snapped as if it were happening right next to me.
I took a step forward and gazed down at Ruth’s grave. “I’m sorry. It should have been me.”
“What?” Anna yelled.
“No, honey.” Emma sniffled, coming over to my side and trying to wrap her arm around me, but I shrugged her off. “Lee, without you none of us would have made it.”
“She’s right, Lee,” Kandace whispered.
I turned around, feeling annoyed at their lack of understanding and yelled, which caused the girls to move back a step. “You didn’t see it happen. You didn’t see the look on her face when he came from behind and wrapped his hands around her neck.”
I felt bad when I saw the looks on their faces, but what was worse was the feeling of the tears that were threatening to spill over. I was tired of crying; it seemed that was all I had been doing. I turned around and glared at the pictures of Nina, Linda, and Ruth.
“I swore to myself that I would avenge their murders. That he would suffer till his last breath for what he did to you all, and I failed.” I staggered a little bit, letting the last word fall from my lips in a whisper.
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