by Elle Casey
Kevin leaned over to talk to Jonathan behind his sister’s back.
“Dude, you’re gonna be my wingman tonight, right?”
“What?”
“My wingman. My sidekick? My Robin?”
“Robin? What are you talking about?”
“I’m Batman, you’re Robin. We’re going out tonight to pick up some chicks.”
Jonathan kept on eating and talked while looking at his plate. “I’m not going to wear any tights or a stupid cape if that’s what you’re talking about. I don’t know what Sarah’s been saying to you, but I am not a pervert.”
Kevin laughed and shook his head. “No tights, no cape, man. Don’t be a cheese brain, just shut up and eat. We leave in thirty minutes.”
“Okay, fine.” Jonathan didn’t really know what he was supposed to do as a wingman, but whatever. He had nothing better to do anyway. He didn’t feel like studying for his chemistry exam, even though he knew he probably should.
CHAPTER FOUR
Making Friends
Thirty minutes later, Kevin put his napkin on the table next to his plate and stood up. “We’re outta here. Come on, Jon.”
“Where do you think you’re going?” asked his mother.
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe go do the rock climbing thing or shoot some pool.”
Jonathan interrupted, “But I thought you said ... ”
Kevin clapped him on the back, making him fall forward against the table. “Yep, I did say we were going to go to the putting green too, didn’t I, Jon? Thanks for reminding me. We’re also going to play a little golf if we have time.” He gave the parents his best toothpaste commercial smile.
Frank looked at his son suspiciously, but Kevin’s mother was easily fooled by her son’s charm. “Okay, sweetie, that sounds like fun. Remember though – no alcohol.”
“Of course not, Mom. You know I don’t drink that stuff.”
“But ... ,” said Jonathan, pointing to Kevin’s chest and then pointing at the table, obviously confused.
“We’d better hurry up before all the reservation slots are taken.” Kevin grabbed Jonathan by the upper arm and started pulling him from the table.
“Bye, Mom and Dad. Bye, Candi.” Jonathan was shouting from two tables away since Kevin was intent on getting him out of there before he blew the lid off their plans.
Sheesh, this kid doesn’t have a clue. If he had told his parents they were going to the bar, it would have ended their cruise freedom and fun for sure.
“Dude, what is your problem? You know you can’t tell them we’re going to the bar.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re not supposed to do that; we’re underage.”
“So why are we doing it then? I’m not really used to lying to my parents, Kevin. I’m not sure that’s something I’m comfortable doing.”
They continued walking down the passageways that would take them to a bar that was not the one Frank had mentioned the parents were going to after dinner.
“Well, it’s done, so don’t worry about it. We’re going to go have some serious fun.”
“That rock climbing thing sounded fun ... ”
“Yeah, you can do that tomorrow afternoon if you want. I’ll be in the pool.”
“So did the golf. I’m really good at putt-putt, actually.”
“Tomorrow.”
“Why can’t we do it now?”
Kevin stopped and faced Jonathan, frustrated that he had to practically force this kid to have fun. “Listen, dude, do you want to have fun tonight or not?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Do you want to meet some girls tonight and maybe get a little action?”
“I don’t know, I guess.”
“You guess? You guess? What are you, gay? Because if you are, that’s cool, I don’t care – but you should tell me so I stop trying to hook you up with girls.”
“No, I’m not gay! I’m straight. I like girls. I’m just not sure that I need your help hooking up with one, though.”
“Trust me, dude, you need my help.”
Jonathan sighed in defeat. “Okay, whatever. Lead on, once more into the breach, my friend.”
“Into the what?”
“‘Once more into the breach my friends.’ It’s a quote from the ‘Cry God for Harry, England, and Saint George!’ speech of Shakespeare's Henry V, written in 1598. Specifically, it’s in Act III. The breach in question was the gap in the wall of the city of Harfleur, which the English army held under siege. Henry was encouraging his troops to attack the city again, even if it meant lots of English would die.”
“Holy shit, Jon, you really need to chill on the T-M-I stuff.”
Jonathan laughed. “Oh, yeah. I know. Sorry about that.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Kevin stopped outside some smoked glass doors. “Okay, we’re here now. Just chill with the T-M-I and you should be fine.”
He opened the doors, and they went in. Kevin led them over to the bar where they sat down and ordered drinks. Jonathan may have been skinny, but he was tall enough that the bartender didn’t bother to ask them for I.D. This crew didn’t seem to care much about any drinking age issues.
“Okay, take a look around and tell me if you see any girls that look interesting.”
Jonathan picked up his drink and grabbed the straw with his lips, maneuvering it around with his tongue until he could start sipping from it.
“Dude, stop making out with your drink.”
Jonathan dropped the straw immediately. “I’m not making out with my drink! Geez.”
“Guys don’t use straws. Take the straw out and just drink from the glass normally.”
“But straws are more efficient. They keep the ice from dropping down due to the effects of gravity and hitting your mouth.”
Kevin fixed him with a death stare. “Take. The straw. Out. Or I’m gonna hit you.”
“Geeeez, take a chill pill. Easy on the ‘roids – they can cause heart problems and testicle shrinkage, you know.”
Kevin put his drink down slowly. “Did you just accuse me of using steroids?”
Jonathan was oblivious to Kevin’s simmering anger. “Not really, but it’s not out of the realm of possibility, is it? I mean, look at you.” He gestured towards Kevin’s chest, arms, and legs. “Your pectoral, biceps, and quadriceps muscles really aren’t in proportion to your underlying skeletal structure, which suggests either very intense eating and exercise regimens that are adhered to with an almost religious intensity or some form of chemical enhancement.”
Kevin responded with a very low and even voice, which belied his offended fury. “I could snap your little twig neck with one hand for saying that.”
“See, that’s exactly what I mean. You have the strength in one hand to literally end a person’s life; you can’t argue that steroids couldn’t make that possible.”
He reached down and wrangled his straw with his tongue one more time and started sucking away at his drink, oblivious to Kevin’s anger.
Jonathan perked up when his eyes locked onto something across the room. “Oh look, there are some cute girls. There are two of them. Maybe we should go say hi.”
Kevin just looked at Jonathan and shook his head. He realized that Jonathan had no idea how insulting he had just been. Kevin worked hard to sculpt his muscles and keep himself in top shape for rugby. If he didn’t, he could get seriously injured out on the field; it was a very rough sport. Nobody ever appreciated that fact, outside of the guys on his team and his coach.
He ran his fingers through his hair and let his anger fade out. Since the kid didn’t mean anything by it, Kevin didn’t need to turn it into a big deal. Later he’d explain to Jonathan that it wasn’t a good idea to tell guys twice your size that they’re ‘roid ragers.
He looked over to where Jonathan was staring. There were two girls sitting there, one really beautiful one and one who looked like her younger, plainer sister, maybe.
“Now, there you go, Jonathan
, that’s more like it. Okay, obviously I’ll take the blond, you go for the brunette.” He stood, preparing to walk over.
“Hey, I had my eye on the blond,” said Jonathan, in an offended and slightly proprietary tone.
“Dude, she’s totally not your speed, you’re better off with the little one.”
“Nope, I like the blond. You take the little one. She looks like my sister, so you should get along fine with her.”
Kevin hesitated. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, I can see that you kind of like my sister, so that smaller girl is a good substitute.”
Kevin was shocked that this guy could be so far out in left field. He held his hands up, palms out, in front of his chest. “Dude, no offense, but I have no interest in your sister, whatsoever.”
“Well, that’s not what it looked like to me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’ve seen you, the way you’re looking at her all the time, the flirting. It’s obvious.”
Kevin started sputtering, “You’re ... you’re nuts, man. She’s cute and all, but she’s definitely ... not ... definitely not my type. Not at all. I mean, at all.”
Jonathan put his drink down and stopped looking at the girls. He turned his head to meet Kevin’s eyes. “What’s wrong with my sister?”
“Nothing’s wrong with her, dude, she’s just not my type.”
“In what way? Explain it to me.” Jonathan rested his right elbow on the bar, folding his hands in front of him, waiting expectantly for Kevin’s response.
“Well, first of all, she’s too young.”
“She’s your age or maybe a year younger.”
“Yeah, well, she’s also pretty shy.”
“That’s only because you don’t know her very well, and besides, that didn’t stop you from flirting with her. Try again.”
Kevin sighed loudly in frustration. “She’s ... she’s ... not experienced!”
Jonathan smiled. “I’m sure you could remedy that problem.” He hesitated for a minute, looking down at his hands. “Is it because she isn’t pretty enough or smart enough for a guy like you? She says she could never go out with someone like you because she isn’t popular enough. But you see, that’s what I can’t figure out. Why isn’t she? Because as far as I can see, she has it all – looks, brains, personality. So you explain it to me, what is she missing? Why isn’t she your type?”
“Jesus Christ, Jon, you sure know how to put a guy on the spot. But let me put your mind at ease. Your sister is beautiful, really, she is. I mean, I thought she was cute before, but tonight at dinner, I mean, she really is pretty hot. And as far as being smart is concerned, she’s probably smarter than all of my past girlfriends put together, so it has nothing to do with her brains. I don’t know her very well, but she seems to have a nice personality.”
Kevin ran his fingers through his hair, agitated that he was being forced to explain something he didn’t really understand himself.
“Why isn’t she popular? I don’t know, maybe because she’s too nice. I don’t know if you noticed, but the popular kids in our school can be serious assholes.”
“But you’re pretty popular.”
“Yeah. Exactly. Trust me, Jon, you don’t want me dating your sister. I don’t have the best track record with women.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. I don’t want you dating my sister either, I was just curious. When something doesn’t make sense to me, I try to figure it out.”
“Now, wait a minute. What do you mean you don’t want me dating your sister?”
“Well, you said it yourself. You don’t have the best track record with women. I don’t want some guy dating her just to use her and then dump her when he’s done.”
“Who the hell says I’d do something like that?” Kevin was kind of offended that this little geek was judging him, captain of the rugby team and lady killer extraordinaire.
Jonathan patted Kevin on the shoulder and picked up his drink off the bar. “Don’t worry about it, Kevin, you don’t like her anyway, right?”
“Yeah. Right,” answered Kevin, confused now, not sure at this point whether he liked her or not. Jonathan had gotten him totally turned around.
“So, what about those chicks over there ... do I get the blond one or what?”
Kevin shook off his confusion, smiling. “Sure, dude, go for it. See what you can do.”
“And you’ll be my wingman?”
“Sure, Jon, I’ll be your wingman.” Kevin would be there for him when he crashed and burned, poor, clueless kid that he was.
The two walked away from the bar, heading over to where the girls were sitting. Jonathan stopped in front of the blond, looking a little awkward.
Kevin couldn’t wait to see what he was going to say. This should be interesting.
“I see you have the newest version of the iPhone that hasn’t even been released yet. How’d you manage that?”
What? Kevin never saw that pickup line coming.
“Uh-oh, busted.” The blond smiled at him. “My dad works for Apple. He’s one of the employees in charge of testing new products, figuring things out, what the bugs are, how to fix them. Basically check the phone for usability, human factors, that kind of thing.”
Human factors? What is this girl talking about?
“Cool. I’ve studied human factors design in computer keyboards but never cell phones. I’ll bet it’s really interesting. Can I take a look?” Jonathan held out his hand for the phone.
She hesitated. “I’m really not supposed to let anyone else use it.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I just want to take a look at the apps you have on it. I’ve written a couple for the iPhone in my spare time.”
“Really? Which ones?”
“Have you ever heard of Tick, Tack, Blast? That’s the most popular one.”
“Oh my god, of course I have! I love that one! Look, it’s here on this phone actually, and I was just playing it before we came out. That is so weird, isn’t it Millie?” She looked over at the girl sitting next to her who was rolling her eyes.
“Yeah. Weird all right.”
Kevin just stood there, stunned. How could this be happening? The prettiest girl in the bar, who by all rights should be his conquest, was sharing geekspeak with Jonathan.
“Why don’t you guys sit down and join us? My name is LeeAnn by the way, and this is my cousin, Millie.”
Jonathan sat down right next to LeeAnn on the couch and they immediately began debating the pros and cons of the iPhone operating system versus its popular competitor, Android.
Kevin sat down in a chair next to Millie. Oh well, might as well go with it. “So, Millie, where are you from?”
“Chicago.”
“Oh, Chicago, that’s cool. Do you go to school there?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, so, um, what do you like to do for fun?”
“Not much.”
“Alright, not much. Interesting.” Or maybe not. Geez, trying to talk to this girl is like pulling teeth – painful.
“I’m going to go get myself another drink, do you want anything?”
“No.”
“Okay, then.”
Kevin had never been so thoroughly dissed in his life. He’d been a good-looking guy since he was, like, five. Even the girls in kindergarten couldn’t get enough of Kevin on the playground and in class. What was this chick’s problem anyway? Oh well, at least Jonathan is hitting it off. And who would have guessed that would happen? Beneath the exterior hotness of this girl beat the heart of a nerd. She didn’t seem to notice Jonathan’s awkwardness. Actually, now that Kevin thought about it, Jonathan didn’t seem awkward around this girl at all – probably because they spoke the same language.
Kevin went to the bar and ordered himself two shots. Might as well get this party started. He downed those right away and then ordered a Long Island Ice Tea. What’s not to love about a drink that had five types of alcohol in it? Great,
now I’m having a conversation with myself.
A few minutes later, Kevin glanced over and noticed that Millie was nowhere to be seen. Jonathan and his girl were deeply engrossed in conversation, sitting very close together on the couch.
Kevin ordered six shots and brought them over. “It’s ten o’clock. Time to do some shots.”
Jonathan and LeeAnn looked up in a daze. They appeared as if they had forgotten where they were for a little while, lost in their world of operating systems, iPhone apps, and JavaScript programming.
LeeAnn looked at Jonathan and shrugged her shoulders. “If you say so.” She took one of the shots and held it up in front of her. “What are we drinking to?”
Jonathan took his shot glass and said, “Here’s to bug-free operating systems!”
Kevin laughed. “Here’s to Millie! The girl who broke my heart and left me to wither away at the ship’s bar.”
They all threw back their shots and then struggled to breathe.
In a slightly strained voice, LeeAnn said, “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. She has a hard time having fun.”
“What do you mean she has a hard time having fun?” Kevin’s mind didn’t compute something that strange.
LeeAnn shrugged. “Seriously. I’ve known her all my life. She hates going out and having fun; she’s morose and gloomy, all the time. It’s a pain in the ass, but she’s family. What am I going to do?”
“Boy, that sucks,” said Jonathan. He looked over at Kevin who just lifted his shoulders indifferently.
Kevin picked up another shot and quickly drank it.
Jonathan leaned over and took another one of the shots and got ready to chug it down.
“Are you sure you want to do that?” asked Kevin.
“Of course. If you can do it, so can I.” He quickly threw back the shot and immediately began choking as the burning fire raced down his esophagus.
Kevin laughed. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’ll be right back, I’m going to get you some water.”
