Khione let out a piercing scream, tackling Marzanna to the ground. In the spot they had stood now sat a large boulder.
The rumbling vibrations tore through the cave.
Seren ran frantically looking for a way out. Kian screamed as he ran after him, Zahra close behind.
"I'm so sorry, you guys," Noelani said, and before he could tell her that this wasn't her fault, a boulder went rolling toward her at top speed. "My foot's stuck!"
Jo screamed and took off running. Westin passed her at his fastest speed, but not fast enough.
The quaking of the cave and debris made it harder to keep his balance. He saw the realization on Noelani's face that he wasn't going to get there in time before suddenly Leo came from nowhere and the two of them turned incorporeal; the rock rolled right through them.
The air rushed out of his lungs in relief. But it was short-lived, for the rock now fell in front of him and he skidded to a halt.
Jo was running, dodging rocks left and right, and a grateful sob broke through her lips as her gaze sought out her sister. Then, her gaze shifted, looking at Leo with what could only be described as awe.
The lovesick fool grinned an ornery grin, and that was the last thing Westin saw before everything went dark.
*****
Ariella and Tanzy yelled with joy. "Push me higher, Wes, push me higher!"
Westin being sworn in as general.
Westin making a blood oath to Princess Noelani. His parent's faces smiling proudly at him.
Noelani's smile.
Noelani's scream as a knife ran through her chest. His family burning. His people hating him, judging him.
You're worthless, a voice whispered in his mind, dark and foreboding.
You'll never be in control. Nobody trusts you.
You break all your promises.
Your family needed you. You weren't there for them.
Westin awoke with a start. Noelani hovered over him, her arm floating in the air as if she planned to reach out and touch him.
She dropped her arm and leaned back on her knees, wiping her palms on her pants as if she'd got them dirty.
"Good, you're awake," she said. "We better get moving."
Westin sat up, his stomach muscles flexing as he rose. Noelani's eyes tracked the movement before she'd noticed him noticing. She cleared her throat before red stained her cheeks.
"Is everyone alright?" he asked, ignoring the longing in her eyes.
"Yes," she said hesitantly.
"But?" he prodded, sensing there was more.
"The cave is gone. It looks as if there was never one here to begin with."
Westin stood, turning in a full circle. Everyone else was already awake, making sure they had all their supplies gathered.
"Have you ever heard of this happening before?"
He turned back to Noelani, her posture stiff. She was like a mannequin instead of flesh and bone. He wanted to reach out and comfort her, take away her stress. There was a part of him that craved her touch and needed that comfort just as much as she did.
But, he held back. Things were neutral between them at that moment. They had just started learning how to work together again.
So, instead, he put up a wall between them, his features going flat. "I've heard of old gods and their children having unlimited power, creating illusions, seeing the future. . ." He trailed off with a shrug. He turned back to Noelani staring up at him with big, blue eyes.
"That was a god, wasn't it?" she asked, voice low.
Again, Westin shrugged, "I've never sensed anything like that before, and even my senses aren't as good as yours."
A shudder went through her, and Westin almost gave into that instinct of touching her, but instead, his hand went to the back of his neck as if he had an itch he couldn't scratch.
"I think," she said slowly, "that we need to tread very carefully. We need to learn more about this growing darkness and accept the fact that it might be stronger than we'd anticipated."
He nodded in agreement, and her lips pulled up into a grin the slightest appearance of a dimple showing. Westin ignored the flutter in his chest he got at the thought of making her happy.
She went to grab her things, talking with everyone as she went, and Westin pretended like he wasn't taking solace in her smile.
Chapter 32
Jo
Writhia, 5220
The Wastes
That evening, they stopped traveling a little earlier than usual and built a fire. Sunny had told Jo her plan and Jo agreed; the group needed to talk, they needed to air out their thoughts and fears. The Oracle had told them the darkness fed on their fear, and the only way to get over a fear was to confront it.
So, Sunny was arranging them around the fire, placing each person in a spot that seemed to make sense only to her before taking her place between Khione and Jo.
"Alright, so, here's a disclaimer: I don't know what I'm doing," Sunny said, letting out a nervous chuckle.
Jo smirked, "Do you ever?"
Sunny reached over, flicking her ear, "No, but this time's worse." She started twirling her hair into tiny knots, "I know we've all been having dreams and...and dark thoughts in our heads that aren't our own." She looked around at everyone, scanning their faces, "We're losing sleep. We're losing strength and patience. But most of all, we're losing hope. And as corny as it sounds, hope is kind of the only thing we have going for us. So, I had an idea. . ." she trailed off, looking unsure of how to explain.
Sensing the direction her thoughts were taking, Jo picked up where she left off. "Our mom used to do this thing when Sunny and I were afraid that helped us. She would let us stew all we needed, have our alone time, but then she would sit us down and say 'spill' and we would tell her everything. No holds barred on our end, no judgment passed on hers. We would tell her everything we felt, holding nothing back, and she would listen. And when we were done, she would go through every thought and fear and she would work through it with us, analyzing it.
And somehow, that turned it from a fear into a problem and every problem has a solution. Sometimes, the best solution is the least shitty solution, but it's still a solution." Jo couldn't help but glance at Leo. He was looking off into the trees, but she could tell he was taking in every word.
"But only when we were ready," Sunny said, taking over, "I think we need to do that with whatever fears are going on right now. I'm not going to force it, though. If you're ready to talk, we're ready to listen. This is a safe space, a judgment-free zone. But if you're not ready to talk, or you don't want an audience, that's cool, too. And you can talk to whoever you feel comfortable with. Sound good?"
Jo looked around to find various expressions of distaste on everyone's faces and she couldn't help but chuckle. "I know, guys. It's not the greatest feeling, but I promise it helps. I'll go first."
Jo straightened her shoulders, her eyes scanning the group, looking for a safe place to latch onto. At the moment, though, she wasn't sure where that safe place was, so she looked at the leaves burning at the edge of their fire instead. They were golden and brown and red in the firelight, curling in on themselves as the heat sucked any leftover moisture from their delicate veins.
She watched the leaves curl in the flickering shadows and found herself talking before she had even really organized her thoughts.
"When the voice comes, it whispers that I'll end up just like him. Azmodeous, I mean." Her voice was low, barely a whisper, but she felt people lean in, listening. "It tells me that I've already started down the same path he's on, that I've come too far to turn back now. With every battle I fight, with every use of my Gift, I grow a little more like him. I get a little stronger and I care a little less about who it hurts." Jo watched as the flames reached a new leaf, devouring it.
"The worst part is that the voice is right, to an extent. I do things now without a second thought that I would have balked over when I first came here. Sunny and I killed thirty men and women in that fight with that g
ang, and I barely feel remorse. Every time I try, my mind just reminds me that it was them or us, and when that's the choice, I'm always going to choose us."
Jo's heart, already beating fast, sped up as she contemplated her next words. Her throat grew tight with fear, not wanting to even say it. But she made herself. This was the only way.
Beside her, Sunny reached out and took her hand, and Jo suddenly realized why she had arranged the group as she had. Each person was next to someone they could lean on for support, someone Sunny knew each person trusted.
Jo forced out the words, hanging onto Sunny's hand like it was an anchor, the only thing keeping her from falling away into her fear.
"When the dreams come, they tell me that no one loves me because I'm a monster. Wherever I go, people run from me, their eyes filled with terror. I want nothing more than to make them love me. I'm so lonely and I want them to love me so badly that in the dream I control them, and I make them love me."
Tears pricked Jo's eyes and for some reason she found herself looking at Leo, his black eyes steady on hers, even though she couldn't remember looking away from the flames in the first place. "And when I wake up I hate myself and the voice comes back, whispering all the things it did before, only each time I believe them a little more because what kind of monster would even dream of that?
What kind of. . ." she trailed off, words failing her.
The only things that existed at that moment were Sunny's hand on her hand and Leo's eyes, their dark depths reflecting the flames.
A tear dropped off her chin, landing on her chest, and the sudden splash of warmth jolted her back to reality, like waking from a dream.
Jo looked around to find her friends looking back with sympathy. She hadn't expected sympathy. Disgust, maybe, or fear. Horror. But not sympathy. She hadn't expected them to look at her like they understood.
"You're not a monster," Seren whispered. Jo looked over to find his eyes on his hands, strangely intense as he spoke. "I've met monsters, both animal monsters, and people monsters, and you're neither. You care about people, Jo, and you accept them. You accepted me as I am, and not a lot of people have done that. I think...I think the fact that you think you're a monster means you're not a monster at all. Because monsters never see themselves as awful-I think they only see themselves as right."
New tears slipped down Jo's cheeks as she smiled. "Thank you, Seren," she whispered.
He smiled, his eyes coming up to rest somewhere slightly above hers, "You're welcome."
Marzanna put her arm around Jo, hugging her to her side. "You're a bright spot in the world, Jo. Don't forget it."
Jo sniffed, nudging Marzanna, "You're going to give me a big ego."
Sunny smiled, "He gotta big egoooo, such a huge egoooo," she sang in her best Beyonce impression, which was honestly awful.
Jo rolled her eyes, a shaky smile forming on her lips, "Sunny, stopppp, you're going to make the Lykkas start howling."
Someone snorted and then the group broke into scattered chuckles, puzzled looks on their faces. It was then that Jo realized Sunny had sung in English, the meaning of her words eluding the others.
The laughter floated in Jo's chest, leaving her feeling a thousand times lighter.
An idea struck her.
"That's it!" she said, causing everyone to look at her. "This is what we need. Laughter, acceptance. It's just a theory, but I think I know how to help with the dark voice." The group leaned forward, listening. "From now on, when the voice starts talking, tell me or Sunny and we'll help fill your mind with happy thoughts. Thoughts of laughter and love. We'll shove the darkness out, whether it likes it or not."
Khione grinned. "I like the way you think."
Jo grinned back and realized she meant it. She loved these people, all of them, in one way or another. She had known them less than a year, knew some of them barely at all, but she would die for any of them without a second thought. They were family now.
Sunny heard her thoughts and met her eyes, Strange, isn’t it? To go from a family of three to a family of ten?
Ten, because their mother was still their family, whether she was there with them or not.
Jo smiled, glad to have found so much light in the darkness.
But then she saw Westin shift uncomfortably. Next to him, Leo did the same.
"As nice as that sounds," Leo said, his tone careful, "I would appreciate it if everyone kept away from my mind."
Westin nodded, "Seconded."
Sunny's jaw stiffened and Jo discreetly put her hand on her sister's back. "That's fine, we're not going to hang out in your minds or force our way in. Just some extra help if you want it."
She looked around to make sure everyone was alright with that and was relieved to see most of the others nod in agreement.
But Westin didn't look convinced, and his eyes narrowed at the two of them.
Leo's eyes glanced back and forth as he sat on the edge of his seat, looking ready to bolt. From what, Jo had no clue.
Marzanna cleared her throat, breaking the awkward silence that had started to build. "I would like to go next, please."
Chapter 33
Marzanna
Writhia, 5220
The Wastes
All eyes swung to Marzanna, and her palms started to sweat more than they already had been. But she was met with warm smiles and non-judgmental eyes.
If Jo could be brave, then so can I.
Khione's eyes bore into her as if it were a physical touch.
"Everyone treats me like I'm made of glass." Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Khione flinch and busy her hands. Felt Khione's guilt churn in her gut. Marzanna kept moving, repositioning herself on the log she sat on, nerves making her twitchy.
"It feels wrong for even complaining about it. My life is good. I have a family who loves me. But. . ." she trailed off with a shrug. "I don't even feel like they know me. No one ever wants to get to know the real me," she whispered before taking a deep breath. "I'm afraid I'll end up alone."
"You'll never be alone," Noelani said fiercely. "A group of people doesn't go through the things we have without creating a strong bond."
Jo nodded along. "She's right, and we know you're not made of glass. You're tough, and one hundred percent needed. If it weren't for you, we would've never defeated that octopus on the way here."
"And look at the way you handled that Skifte," Zahra added, with a comforting smile.
Marzanna felt her face heat. "Thanks, guys. I still don't feel like any of you know the real me, though." Except for maybe Khione, she wanted to say. She must have agreed, if the uncomfortable twitching Khione was doing next to her was any indication.
"So, tell us," Noelani said simply.
Was it really that easy? Marzanna wondered.
"I'm not always as happy as I pretend to be. I guess it's just easier, being happy, pretending everything is fine. Smothering my emotions..." she trailed off. Maybe it was time to think of something lighter, she thought. "I love horror stories," she blurted, "reading them, watching them on the telecast. I like getting up early and drinking a scalding hot cup of tea and watching the sunrise. I love to play jokes on my sisters." She laughed and felt lighter than before. "I love the feel of sun-warmed soil running through my hands, and the way the morning dew of the grass smells. And, of course, it's no surprise, but I love gardening." The group let out small laughs.
When everyone quieted, Zahra spoke, "I don't want to fight again." Her voice was strained, and Kian tensed.
She sighed and crossed her legs. Uncrossed them. Ran a hand through her long hair. Her lips puckered in a grimace before she finally spoke, her eyes sad, but resigned. "After Kian and I got together, we promised each other: no more fighting. No more war. That's why we went to
Lorlea," a wistful smile graced her lips. "We thought it the perfect place to settle down. Have children, grow old. Seren was comfortable and happy. All three of us were."
Seren gently rocked back and forth w
hile Kian put an arm around Zahra, cocooning her as if he could shield her from her sadness.
"The darkness shows us at war again, and that simple dream fades more and more each day with me losing everything I love."
Kian nuzzled her hair and spoke softly into her ear.
The crew went silent before Noelani spoke. "I'm so sorry, Zahra," she paused. "I feel that way sometimes, too. Me and Jo we. . . our lives were perfect." She laughed and looked at Jo. "We sure didn't think so at the time. We were poor, living in a shoddy apartment with jobs that barely allowed us to afford it. But, you know, when I think about it, it was so simple, and now... and now everything's different."
Noelani sighed, and then straightened up, a steely look in her blue eyes. "But I think, even after everything I've been through, I think this was how it was supposed to be. In some messed up way, this was my destiny. And regardless, I don't regret meeting any of you." Her eyes slid to Westin before they went back to Zahra.
"The darkness showed me being tied to Azmodeous forever, being trapped. Being manipulated. Him killing all of you. Him using Jo against me. Him using Westin against me. Him using absolutely anything against me." Her voice was the sharp edge of a knife. "It shows me never being alright. Never being forgiven. Never being happy again."
Jo grabbed Sunny's hand. Westin's eyes stay glued to the ground.
Noelani started playing with her hair. "Who's next?" she asked. Her voice sounded tired.
"I'd like to go next," Seren said. Kian gave his shoulder a squeeze, Zahra's lips lifted in an encouraging smile. He subtly inched away from them causing a frown to form on both of their faces and guilt etched onto his own.
He hesitated, and hyper-focused on his fingers which were drumming rapidly together. "The darkness has whispered in my mind. It shows me pictures of myself being bullied as a child. It shows me that there will always be small-minded people. It shows me that I'll never be enough.
"Ser-" Zahra started, but he continued, voice getting louder.
"It shows me how I do everything differently than everyone else. And it shows me how you and Kian will never stop treating me like an infant."
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