by Amy Davies
“I need you, Jay. I want to feel you and taste you.” I step closer to him and drag my fingertips over his bare chest, tracing the tattoo on his right pectoral muscle. I was never one to like men with tattoos but Jay is sexy as sin.
“No,” is all he says.
“I know you want me, Jay. You want to feel me against your skin. I know you, Jay.” I brush my breasts against his chest and he shudders. I know I have an effect on him – well, he is a man after all. What man can resist me? I slide my hand down his body and cup his hard length in my hand. Jay sucks in a breath as I kiss his chest.
“God, you taste good, Jay. Let me taste more of you.”
“Why?” he grinds out between clenched teeth.
“What do you mean, why?” I say between kisses.
“Why are you here? Is it because you want more? Or because you saw me talking to another girl today?” Fuck, he did see me. I was hoping I had been mistaken when he looked my way earlier. I lift my head and my gaze lands on his. He’s frowning down at me. Was I jealous when I saw him talking to that girl? Yes. Do I want more with him? Yes-NO! I can’t give him more. He must see the decision on my face because he steps back.
“Jay, I-” But he cuts me off.
“You should go. I can’t keep playing these games with you. Just go.” I close the gap between us and lay both of my hands on his chest. I lean in and kiss his sternum, once, twice, before he steps back.
“STOP! Just stop. For crying out loud, can you just stop with all the sex stuff. I want more. I deserve more, for fucks sake.” He walks away from me and heads toward the front door. Shame. Humiliation races through my body, but I won’t show him that he’s hurt me. Tears prick the back of my eyes but I blink them away. I walk over to my coat and pick it up, before sliding it on. I button up my coat, then square my shoulders as I walk towards him. He straightens his posture and keeps his eyes on the ground. I shake my head at him and close the gap between us. I lean in, ready to kiss his cheek, but he backs away a little. Deflated, I step towards the door.
“You do deserve more, Jay. But so do I,” I tell him.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I have only ever treated you right.”
“Yeah, but I deserve to be treated how I want. And you… You could never give me that. So, I’ll have to find another man that will give me exactly what I need and what I want.” My voice rises as the sentence goes on but he needs to hear me. He needs to hate me.
“Well, good luck with that.” With his parting words, I step out of the house and watch as he slams the front door in my face. I hang my head. My heart aches, but this was for the best.
I walk away from his house and out onto the street. The street is empty, just like my life. Time for a new journey. Something that will give me what I need, what I desire. Tomorrow is a new day for Rachel Cullen. I just hope I made the right choice.
jay
It’s been a week since Rachel walked out of my house, and my emotions are all over the place. I hate her for the way she acted, but I miss her as well. I know I shouldn’t but fuck, I do. I know I need to move on. I laid in bed last night thinking over everything that has happened between us. The things she said to me the last time I saw her. I get what she was saying but I hate that she refuses to even try and see where things go. Is it that bad being with me? Today, Dex and Addy are having a BBQ, so that will, hopefully, take my mind off things.
Mainly Rachel-fucking-Cullen.
I dress in my light blue denim boardies that have some rips in them, and throw on my red short-sleeved checked shirt. They’re my trademark - ninety percent of the time, I’m in a checked shirt. Slipping my feet into my white Converse, I stand and walk over to the wall bracket that holds my baseballs caps. Liam got me addicted to buying these things, I have maybe thirty caps. My favourite is my Castle Ink one, it has our studio logo on. Addy had them designed, along with our t-shirts and other shop merchandise. She’s a good egg that one. I chuckle to myself at the things Addy wanted to buy for the studio.
I walk out of my bedroom, slipping my cap on my head, keeping my short hair hidden. It’s in no fit state to be making a public appearance; hence the ball cap. My keys and wallet are next to be picked up. I tuck my phone into my pocket and open my front door. A rare blast of heat wraps around me. Damn, I wish we got this weather all year round. I lock up and make the drive over to my brother and sister-in-law’s house. Well soon-to-be sister-in-law, but then again, she’s always been like a sister to me.
I don’t live far from Dex and Addy, so the drive over there takes no time at all. I park up and jump out of my car before heading into the house. I’m fucking praying that Rachel hasn’t been invited. I have no fucking clue how I would react. I haven’t spoken to my brother at all about the shit that went down. I needed to wrap my head around it first. But I will tell them. The Chainsmokers ‘Paris’ plays through the house and into the garden as I make my way out back. I spot my brother, Liam, and Luke over by the grill. Liam’s holding a sleeping Isla. She’s four months old and is getting so big, just like Pheebs. I look around the garden and see the girls sitting around the picnic table Dex had designed when him and Fiona first moved into the house. It’s awesome, it folds open into two benches when the table isn’t needed. Addy is sitting with Phoebe on her lap. Phoebe’s in the pink summer dress I bought her last week, with the matching baby sandals I got her to match. Addy has put Phoebe’s thick hair up in a little ponytail with a small glitter bow in front of it. She reminds me of Bam Bam from the Flintstones.
I smile and step out into the decking area, heading over to the girls first. Addy looks up at me and a beautiful smile crosses her face.
“Hey, handsome. I thought you’d never get here” she says, smiling at me. I step closer and kiss her forehead, before quickly snatching my niece up from her lap. I blow raspberries on her little chubby cheeks, and her squeals of laughter bounce around the garden. When Phoebe laughs, it sounds like she has the hiccups, it’s so fucking funny. I laugh along with her but don’t stop, making her giggle harder. Making Phoebe laugh is one of my favourite things to do these days, it kinda makes me want kids of my own. One day I’ll have them. I just need to find the right girl to settle down with. Fuck, I thought that was Rachel, but we know how that turned out.
“Jay.” I hear my Knox call my name. I stop blowing raspberries on Phoebe’s cheek and look up to see Knox standing next to me. He’s looking as cool as ever, with his denim board shorts and blue checked shirt. His sunglasses perched on his face. I set Phoebe on my hip, one hand under her bum and one hand on her back to support her because she has a habit of throwing herself backwards.
“What’s up, little dude?” I say, looking down at him.
“Will you be coming to beach with us for my birthday? Mum and Dad said that I can have a beach party. Dad said that he’ll do a BBQ and stuff. We can play games and play in the water.”
“Yeah, little dude, I’ll be there with bells on. How could I miss a beach party? Beach babes everywhere, we can go trolling for girls, yeah?” I wink at him. My gaze moves over to Penny, who’s sitting on the other side of the table. My back straightens when I see her face. She’s scowling at me, and her lips are set into a hard line. Well, fucking shit, she knows about Rachel. “Hey, Knox, can you go over and grab me a burger from Dex for me, please?” I need this kid away before I ask Penny what her problem is.
“Will do.” He jogs off in the direction of Dex and Liam. I look up to see Dex eyeing me. I nod my head and he returns it, he knows to keep Knox by him for a bit. I hand Phoebe back to Addy, her eyes asking a silent question. I shake my head, bracing myself and taking a defensive stand. I cross my arms before confronting her.
“You want to say something, Pen?” I keep my voice casual. I know she knows what’s gone down between Rachel and me, and I wait for her to berate me. Penny is the mother-hen in our group, but Rachel is also one of her best friends.
“What happened?”
“With what?” I a
sk innocently.
“You know what.”
“Nope, you need to be more specific with me here, Pen.” I know I’m being an arsehole, but fuck it. This has nothing to do with her.
“With Rachel. Don’t be a muppet, Jay. You are way smarter than that. Now, what happened?”
“Listen, Pen, I know that she’s your best friend, but what happens between us is just that. Between Rachel and me. But since I have respect for you, I’ll tell you my version, because I have no doubt that she’s given you her side, and judging by the daggers you’re shooting at me through your eyes, it isn’t good.”
“She did tell me some of it, of course. But I want to hear it from you.” She leans back in her seat and crosses her arms under her breasts.
“You want to do this now, in front of everyone?” I ask, just to make sure. She nods her head. Fine by me.
“Rachel only wanted to get off. I was being used for sex and that’s it. Rachel and I are at different places in our lives. I wanted more, she didn't, simple. You know how hard it is for Rachel to open up, Pen. She wouldn’t let me in, and I’m sorry, but fuck, I deserve a woman that wants more than fucking amazing orgasms from me.”
“Cocky much,” Addy mutters, but winks at me. I smile at her and turn to face Penny again. I can see the hurt on her face, but she needs to understand that her friend isn’t so fucking perfect after all.
“I’m sorry if this hurts to hear, Pen, but it’s the truth. I would never disrespect a woman and you know that.” She nods her head, and I see tears filling her eyes. “Fuck,” I mutter. I walk around the table and kneel in front of her. I pull her in for a hug, trying to soothe her by rubbing her back.
“Please, don’t cry, Miss Moneypenny.” She giggles into my chest at my nickname for her. “Plus, Liam will kick my arse if he sees you crying.” She laughs again but it suddenly stops. She pulls back and looks me in the eye. I know she’s about to say something I’m going to hate. My stomach drops.
“She’s gone, Jay.” I pull back even more and blink a few times, the news stewing in my head until it settles and I can speak again.
What the ever-loving-fuck?
“Gone? What do you mean, Pen? What do you mean she’s gone?” She sniffles and wipes the tears away.
“She left two days ago. She went to Africa with the Nurses Aid. She’ll be gone for eight months - eight months! She came over to tell us that she was leaving. She looked so upset, Jay. I asked her what made her leave…” She leaves the sentence hanging wide fucking open. I get what she’s thinking. I bet Rachel made me out to be the bad guy.
“And what did she say?” I prompt. Penny takes a deep breath, looking behind her towards Liam. I lift my head in his direction, too. As if he senses her, he turns his head and looks at her. His smile drops when he sees her face, and he makes his way over to us.
“What did she tell you, Penny?” I’m acting like a prick, but there is no way I’m having Rachel paint me the bad guy.
“What’s going on?” Liam asks when he reaches Penny.
“I just told Jay about Rach. He wants to know why she left. I don’t know who to believe, Li.” Who to believe? What the fuck?
“What the fuck did she tell you, Penny?” I growl out, my anger building. How fucking dare she! Fuck me, I knew she was trouble the second I laid eyes on her.
“Back off, Jay. Let her speak,” Liam bites out. “Tell him, Bambi,” Liam encourages.
“Rachel told me that you rejected her, made her feel cheap. And that she could never be the mother of your children… because you didn’t think she was good enough.”
“Are you fucking shitting me? She really said all that shit to you? And you sit there and say that you don’t who to believe. Holy shit, I believed you thought more of me than that, Penny.” I shake my head. My mind is finding it so fucking hard to wrap around the lies that Rachel has told her best friend. I knew she was pissed at me, but for her to fucking blatantly lie about what actually went down… Jesus fuck! I step back from the table, ready to leave, but Dex’s voice stops me.
“Don’t.”
“I can’t stay here, Dex. I can’t. The fact that she lied about what happened that final night… I’m so fucking done with that woman. She can stay away forever as far as I’m concerned.” I ignore everyone else in the garden and keep my gaze locked on my brother. I take in deep breaths, trying to control my anger. I close my eyes tight and drop my head to my chest. The lies swirl around my head. I can’t believe she’s done this. I meant what I just said: I am done with her. I need to move the fuck on and start living for me.
“Jay.” I hear Penny whisper my name, and I turn my head to face her. She has tears slowly running down her face. Our eyes connect and I watch as she rises and comes around to stand in front of me, our gaze never wavering, the sadness showing on her face, and the anger and disappointment showing on mine. I thought Penny knew me, obviously not.
“I’m sorry. So sorry, Jay. I don’t know why she made those things up. I know you aren't that type of person. You respect women too much to say the things she’s saying that you did. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.” She looks down at the floor and a small sob breaks through. That’s enough to make all my anger towards her dissipate.
“Come here,” I say, opening my arms for her. She doesn't hesitate, she walks into my arms and hugs me around the waist. Rachel has ripped me wide open, but I can see now that I need to find someone to stitch me back together. She’s now in the past, and I need to find my future.
“Stop,” comes the muffled word from Penny, who’s smashed against my chest. I raise my head to see Liam moving towards us. I smirk at him over Penny’s head, and I throw him a wink. Penny must have seen his feet move. She knows her man is a very alpha bastard. I lower my head again and make a dramatic sniffing noise.
“Damn, you smell good, Miss Moneypenny.” I chuckle and so does she.
“You fucking prick. You wait, Jay Castle. You wait until you have a girl.” Liam's leaves the threat hanging. We all laugh at him and go back to the BBQ. I push the hurt and anger down for today, I don’t want to ruin this get together. Rachel needs to get out of my head, the sooner the better. Now’s the time to sort myself out and find someone to tie me down, both physically and mentally. I chuckle to myself and walk over to the BBQ, where the boys are standing.
Operation Move On Status: Active.
jay
It’s been two weeks since Rachel went to Africa, and the anger is now down to a simmer. I don’t know what I would do if I saw her right now. Penny and me settled things the day of the BBQ. She’s told me she can’t reach out to Rachel because there’s no communication in the village where she’s staying. I try every day to put her out of my head, but she still manages to seep into my mind. Thank fuck for exercise. I’ve picked up running again, it helps clear my head.
My feet pound the concrete as I pick up speed, the music pulsing through my earphones. Rock music blasts in my ears, pushing me forward, forcing me to forget everything except my breathing. Sweat is pouring down my body. I lift my wrist and use the sweatband to wipe away the moisture that’s threatening to drip into my eyes.
I keep up my pace and take the top path around the hiking track. The lower path is for walking and enjoying the day. I don’t want to enjoy the day; I want to forget. I want to clear every thought. I ignore the people running towards me, and keep my eyes forward, focusing on the tree at the top. The path up here is three miles up. I used to go to the gym to get my frustration out, but people tended to want to talk to me, and I got pissed off, hence why I’m back to running outdoors.
I see Cassie up ahead of me, bending over, puffing out heavy breaths. I met her through Dex. She has a wicked tattoo on her right thigh, it’s a peacock sitting on a cherry blossom branch. It’s full of colour, and I am damn fucking proud of my brother for the design. I’ve only seen her twice. Once in Castle Ink, and a few weeks ago in town. I saw her and asked how the new ink was doing. It was the same day that e
verything with Rachel went to shit. Cassie is beautiful, any guy can see that; she has a natural beauty about her. Her straight blonde hair sits just above her shoulders. She’s toned to fuck, and I can see how she keeps herself in shape. Besides the thigh tattoo, she has a floral eye between her shoulder blades, and four small paw prints on her right wrist.
Closing the distance between us, I see that she’s bright red. Her hair is tied up in a ponytail, but some wisps are sticking to her sweat-covered neck. Her tight running leggings fit her perfectly toned legs and arse to perfection. Her very ample breasts are encased in a bright green tank top, her black sports bra showing in places. God, they look fucking amazing. Fuck, I shouldn’t be thinking like this, it wasn’t that long ago that I thought Rachel was the one to settle down with. I shake my head and step up to Cassie.
“Hey, Cass. Are you okay?” I ask. She turns her head to look at me, but keeps her body bent over, dragging in deep breath after deep breath.
“Oh hey, Jay. Yeah, I’m good. You know, just trying to breathe like a normal human being. How about you?” I chuckle at her answer. She’s a kooky little thing. I watch as she takes in a deep breath and straightens up. Her nose ring winks at me in the sunlight. Sweat is covering her body, making her look even more tasty.
Jesus fuck, Jay, get your head on straight.
“Do you have any water?” I ask.
“No, I’ve run out. I was going to fill up my bottle when I got to the top.” There’s a small building at the top of the trail, where you can have a sit down and rest or maybe use the toilets. You can also buy hot and cold drinks.
“Here, have some of this.” I thrust my water bottle at her. She doesn’t argue with me. Now most girls would worry about germs and shit, but not Cassie. From what I’ve gathered from our brief meetings, she’s pretty laid back. Not a fussy girl. I like that. She takes a big gulp from the bottle and hands it back to me, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
