by Dana Mason
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m trying to be the bigger person. I’m trying to let go of my own anger, but it’s so hard!
Michael, I miss you so much. I’m not sure how to navigate this. I don’t know if I want this life without you. I’ve tried to be a good daughter. I’ve tried to be a good mother. But has it ever been good enough? You and Raegan are the two most important people in my life, and I’ve hurt you both without even trying.
I made a mistake. I got pregnant—but I’m not sorry! I could never regret Raegan. Never! But I never meant to leave you, and I know you hate me. Why do I live in a world so cruel that I had to choose between you and our child? I hope you can forgive me someday. I hope before I’m lying on my deathbed full of regret that we meet again and you choose to forgive me.
There is nothing fun about my life right now, but I want you to know your daughter and what she’s like, so here’s a fun fact for you: Raegan is a straight-A student. She’s smart without even trying. She must get that from you. Every day she resembles you more and more. Lately, I see your sister when I look at her. She’s got long dark hair like Diana, and as she matures, she becomes softer, more girl-like. Don’t worry, though, she loves sports. She’s very active… like you.
I love you always!
Rachel
PS. After a three-year-long battle, my dad died this evening at ten-fourteen p.m. When I finished this letter to you, I realized what Dad needed for him to let go… and so I forgave him. With a lighter heart, I told him that I loved him and that I forgave him for everything that happened in our past. He smiled at me and told me he loved me… and that he was proud of me. Then he let go. It was one of the most precious moments of my life and one of the hardest. I can’t stop crying, but I’m relieved he’s out of pain.
PPS. On the bright side, my mother will now be returning to Portland. She doesn’t like living in Sacramento.
Twenty-Four
Michael
After spending my entire Friday morning processing new members and scheduling personal training sessions, I get out of my chair and go for a run. I don’t go far, but I need the fresh air and sunshine. I need to stretch my legs. I’m not used to sitting at a desk for that long. When I get back, I do some more stretching and clean up from my sessions. As I’m walking back toward the office, the door opens and in comes my sister Diana. My face splits into a grin, and I hold my arms out as she approaches me. “Oh, my God, am I happy to see you!”
She jumps into my arms with her little mini-me daughter, Olivia, wrapping herself around our waists. I’m so happy she’s here, I could cry. I hold on for a long time, squeezing her small frame. As my older sister, there was a time she towered over me, but since high school, I’ve continued to get bigger, and she somehow stopped.
“Me too,” she says, slapping my back. Then she tilts away, getting a good long look of my face.
“I’m okay,” I say, trying to reassure her. “Healthy, strong, I’m eating good and spending some time in the sun. Don’t worry.”
“It’s not your physical health I’m worried about. How’s your heart?” She drops back on her heels while I lift Olivia off her feet and embrace her.
“You have grown so much! What are you feeding this child?”
Olivia squeals as I squeeze her. “Ah! Uncle Miiiiike!” I set her back down and hug her again as I kiss the top of her head. I didn’t realize how lonely I was until they stepped through that door.
Diana takes a long look around. “It’s so nice!”
I walk over and flip all the lights on so she can see everything.
“It’s bigger than Oakland, isn’t it? More square footage?”
“Yes, and more outdoor area.”
“I love it! I love the green!” She glances down at her daughter and says, “What do you think, Olivia?”
Olivia nods approvingly. “I like it.”
I give them the full tour, hoping to keep Diana from asking me about Rachel. I know the talk is coming, but I’m still not sure how I feel about it, and so I’m avoiding the topic for now.
After the tour, Diana convinces Olivia to sit down in the kids’ area and color for a while. We head to the office so I can finish up what I need to get done. The open house is next Saturday and with a full week to get everything ready, I’m a little nervous about it. I still have to confirm the caterer, the bouncy house for the kids, and the coaches’ meeting I’m planning for the morning before.
Once we’re out of earshot of Olivia, Diana immediately brings up the subject I was trying to avoid. “So, have you seen her yet?”
“Seen who?”
“Don’t play dumb. Have you seen your daughter yet?”
I shake my head, my eyes drifting to my computer screen. “No. Not yet.”
“Jesus, Michael, you found out on Monday. It’s been nearly a week. What are you waiting for? Surely it’s not Rachel keeping you away? She wouldn’t do that after finally telling you about her.”
“No, it’s not Rachel. I’m just trying to process it all. I’m not sure how I feel about it.”
“You’re not sure how you feel about being a dad?” She rests her hand on my arm so that I’ll look at her instead of working. “What on earth are you unsure about? She’s your child. Your flesh and blood, Mike.”
“I know that, but just because I have a kid doesn’t mean I know how to be a dad. I can’t jump in with both feet. I… I’m not sure about it all yet.”
“I hate to say this, but the first hard lesson in being a parent is to learn that it’s no longer about you. It’s about your kid. She doesn’t care if you know how to be a dad. She doesn’t care that you’re pissed at her mother. She’s gone a damn long time without you; every minute you take trying to figure out your feelings is a wasted moment you don’t get to spend with her. More wasted moments, Michael.” She gestures to where Olivia is playing. “Take it from a sister… a daughter, and a mother: tomorrow isn’t promised so don’t waste today.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I know that, Diana. I’m not avoiding the issue, just giving myself time to get used to the idea.”
“What are you going to do about Rachel?”
“Fuck if I know. Seriously. I don’t know.”
“How do you feel about her? What happened when you first saw her on Monday? What went through your head?”
“Ha! I’m not sure you want to know that.” I grin widely, I can’t help it. “She’s incredible.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve already slept with her.”
“No! Don’t be stupid.” Deny, deny, deny… it’s all I can do even if my face gives it away.
“Oh my God, you did! How did that even happen?”
I laugh at her reaction even though it’s not funny. The woman is like a drug, and I’m addicted. “Don’t ask me if you don’t want to know.”
“Michael!”
I laugh again and say, “If it makes you feel any better, we did it before she told me about the kid.”
She wags her finger at me and says, “I bet that news shriveled your dick right up.”
“You better believe it!” I snicker and say, “Man, am I thankful she waited until after to tell me.”
Diana laughs and says, “Typical guy.”
“I still have some things to do today.” I glance at my laptop and say, “How about I pack it up and bring it home with me? I can work later tonight, let’s go get some dinner.”
She nods in agreement. “And a drink… because there’s something I need to tell you.”
“Shit, now what?” I say, not ready for any more surprises.
She sucks air through her teeth. “Mom and Dad are coming down next week.”
“You’re kidding!” I stare at her, shocked. “They’re coming here?”
“Mom said they wanted to be here for the grand opening… and for you.”
I’m so torn about this. “That’s good, I guess. I mean, yeah, that’s good.”
“Mom said you guys
have been talking. She said you were getting along.”
“We are, but they’ve never volunteered to visit me.”
“Consider this an olive branch. And it’s about time. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of grieving. We have so much to celebrate and be thankful for, including your daughter and the gym.”
“You know Kelley’s going to be here for the grand opening? Mac’s bringing a crew from the station and doing a live broadcast.”
“That’s great press. Do you think Kelley will be okay seeing them?”
“I don’t know. I hope so. I don’t need any family drama on such a big day.”
“I’ll contact Kelley and see if I can get them all talking—get shit out in the open,” she says.
“Yep—we’re both going to need a drink. Let’s do it.” I pack up my laptop, grab the paperwork I need, then walk over to the mail slot to get today’s mail. I pull everything out and among the mail is a heavy package wrapped in brown paper.
“What the hell is this?” I flip it over and read the return address. “It’s from Rachel,” I say as I carry it back to the office.
I sit at my desk and rip it open to find two journals… pretty old ones, too. One has a Post-it that says, read this one first. I flip through the pages and my mouth hangs open. I hear Diana behind me say, “Oh my God. Are those all handwritten letters?”
“Yeah, it looks like years and years’ worth.” I sit there in a state of shock for a long time. Then I shake my head and wrap them back up before throwing them in my messenger bag. I’m not sure what to do… I’m not sure what to think about it. It’s been several days since I found her, but I’m still not sure I’m ready to face it.
Twenty-Five
Rachel
Dear Mike,
I wish you were here. I need you. Raegan is sick, and I’m exhausted. Who knew a five-year-old could throw up so much, especially when she won’t eat. I’ve finally gotten her to sleep, and I wanted to write you a quick note to tell you that I miss you. Of course, in times like this, I wish I had your help, but I miss you during the normal everyday stuff too.
Raegan asked me yesterday why she didn’t have a daddy, and I cried. What else could I do? How do you explain this to a five-year-old? What do I say? The truth? Gee, sweetheart, I never told him about you, so he doesn’t know you exist. God, Mike! I’d give anything to have you here right now, and the really shitty part is, I don’t have any idea where you are. I’ve done a couple of searches, and I can’t find any sign of you. What happened to playing football? I thought by now, you’d have a football career… be an NFL player. That’s why I’ve done this. That’s what I was protecting. I don’t understand. What happened to your dream?
Fun fact: Raegan starts school in a couple of weeks. Kindergarten! Can you believe it? Also, I graduated from Sacramento State a couple of months ago. The entire day I kept wishing you were there with me.
I love you,
Rachel
Twenty-Six
Michael
I’m absolutely floored. I’ve read several of her letters, and each of them feels like a knife to the heart. I can see why she mailed the journals to me instead of giving them to me personally.
Every letter bleeds her pain and loneliness. Knowing Rachel like I do, it’s hard to imagine her being so deceptive, but reading the letters puts it in perspective for me. I don’t think sending them to me was a ploy to gain my pity. That’s not the type of person Rachel is. Not the one I remember…
When Diana and Olivia come out of the bedroom, Diana gestures toward the journal in my hand. “How’s it going?”
“It’s not light reading, that’s for sure.” I hand her the first journal. When she starts reading, I feel a little weird about it. She sits down next to me and as much as I think she shouldn’t be reading Rachel’s personal thoughts, I need someone to talk to about this. I don’t know how to process it, and her understanding might help. She’s a few pages in before tears start streaming down her face.
Diana’s eyes lift from the page and I can see the questions stirring there, but I also recognize sympathy. “Why didn’t she try to find you earlier, Mike? I get why she didn’t in the beginning, I can see why she made the choices she did, but it’s been years. She’s an independent person, and surely her mother’s threats don’t still work on her. Why did she wait so long?”
“It sounds like she tried for a while, but she was busy… She finished college, her dad retired and then got sick. She was raising a daughter on her own… it seems like she finally gave up.”
Diana practically snorts. “I can relate to being busy.” We both look over to where Olivia is perched in front of the TV. “I’m constantly on the go. Between all the school stuff, appointments, and work, I barely get any time to myself. Time goes fast, and it seems to speed up when you’re watching your kid grow.”
“I get it. I swear Olivia was three years old last week.” I look back at Diana. “She was scared of what she’d find. She was afraid I’d reject her and our daughter. I’m sure she’s been treading through life, trying not to think about it because she didn’t want to face things.”
Diana starts reading again and so do I. Every few minutes she mutters a fact that stands out. “Emergency C-section. Wow… and her mom is a complete psycho bitch.”
Every single letter ends with I love you. In every letter, she tells me she misses me. She needs me.
“Her father died of cancer,” I whisper as I read about it.
“Her name is Raegan,” Diana says, glancing up at me.
I pause mid-sentence and let that sink in. Her name is Raegan… I’d read that several times, but for some reason it didn’t click until I heard it said out loud. I rest back in my seat and stare at Diana. “Jesus, Diana. Raegan is my daughter.” When she gives me a confused look, I say, “Shit. I’ve already met her. At least, I think I have. There’s a young girl who’s been hanging out at the gym called Raegan.”
“What? That’s insane.”
“It’s completely insane. I know! I need to go see Rachel, tell her. I’m sure she doesn’t know.” I rub my hand up and down my leg, feeling uneasy. “I’m not happy Raegan lied to me. I don’t want to start a relationship with her on that type of foundation.”
“You need to give the kid a break, Mikey. If she worked out who you were, how could she stay away?”
I pick up the first journal and continue reading where I left off before Diana joined me. I force myself to read every entry. Diana reads too, and every once in a while, I hear her sniffle. Every word is heart-wrenching, especially when I have to read about her dating some other guy… yet being too in love with me to really be able to have a relationship. It’s exactly what I’ve been going through all these years—I’ve never been able to let her go.
Before I realize it, it’s pitch-black outside, and Olivia is asleep on the couch. Diana gets up and carries her to bed, then returns to my side and says, “I shouldn’t be reading these. Now I feel bad for invading her privacy.”
I lift my tired eyes and say, “I don’t know what to do now. It’s hard to be mad at her, knowing what she’s been through.”
“Then don’t. There’s no rule of thumb here, Mikey. Follow your heart.”
“My heart can’t be trusted, Diana. My heart knows no boundaries and I’m sure I need them with Rachel. Besides that, I wasn’t very nice to her when we first talked… she’s gonna be totally skittish of me now.”
“Read this,” she says, turning the second journal toward me. “If she’s skittish, this is probably why.”
I grab it and glance at the date. It was written over four years ago, and it’s written in a very shaky hand.
Dear Michael,
I thought I was moving on. I thought I was learning to love someone else. I thought I had you out of my system. I thought I could move on and maybe even be happy… but I can’t. I’m such a fool. I’m not even sure what made me think anyone could be like you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making comparisons.
He’ll never be you, and I’ll never forgive myself for believing it was possible.
I’ve been seeing someone for a few months. Raegan didn’t know, I didn’t want her to meet him until I was sure he was a good guy. I thought I was being smart. I’m glad she’s never met him, but I realize how stupid and naive I really am.
Tonight I found out who he really is and it’s not the kind man I thought. He’s nothing like you. He showed up at my house drunk, and I’m so glad Raegan didn’t wake up—I’m so glad she didn’t see! I’ve never felt so betrayed—so wrong about someone in my life. I can’t bear to tell you – but if he ever comes near me again or my daughter, I’ll kill him.
Michael, I wish so much that you were here. I need you. I miss you every day.
I love you,
Rachel
The last line, where she tells me she needs me, is so shaky I can barely read it. As I stare at the page my heart rate is rising, and my breathing hitches. Still holding the journal, I physically come out of my chair. I close my eyes and fight for calm.
“Jesus Christ. What the hell do you think he did to her?”
“I don’t know, but it couldn’t have been good. There’s also a long gap between this one and the next letter.”
