by Dana Mason
I’m about to protest his apology when his hot tongue swipes inside me. His words fade, and the only thing left is the feel of him. Now I have to close my eyes, I can’t help it. I lift my hips higher, enjoying the sensation. Enjoying the feel of his hand braced on my stomach as his tongue enters me again. My hips jerk hard, involuntarily, and that urges him on.
Heat rises inside me, and I feel the all-over body blush as it does. Sweat builds along my forehead and between my breasts. I’m teetering on an edge, and as Mike’s tongue moves inside me, my core tightens. He’s got one arm curved under my thigh with a hand clamped on my hip, and the other hand splayed on my stomach. I’m surprised by his strength. He holds me in place, not allowing my hips to move with him, and that’s all it takes for me to completely lose control.
“Michael!” I fight not to scream, but in spite of that, I’m much louder than I wanted to be. His hand lowers down my abdomen, and with the perfect amount of pressure, his thumb presses my clit. At the same time, his tongue moves inside me again. His expert manipulation sets me on fire and I let that fire burn until I’m dust.
Twenty-Eight
Michael
All I want is to drive inside her before she finishes, but I’m trying to take it slowly. I’m trying to enjoy her, not wham bam thank you like before in that hotel suite. I shouldn’t have done that, and not at her work, but it was impossible to keep my hands off her.
This time, I want to experience every little inch of this luscious body, and I want her crying my name, like she just did, only I want to hear it repeatedly. When she’s settled and the writhing stops, I lift up and watch her eyes flutter open, waiting for her to get her bearings. Fuck, she’s sexy. When our eyes meet, her sated look kills me. She smiles like the cat that got the cream, and I wonder what she’s thinking.
As if pulling the thoughts from my head, she says, “I was planning to blow your mind, not the other way around.”
“You are about to blow my mind, babe. Sinking into you has been a constant need for the last fourteen years. I’m not going to delay for another second.” I line my cock with her opening and slide inside her, and as I do, her eyes flutter in complete bliss. I feel it too, the absolute satisfaction I’ve been searching for. The feeling only she can give me. I’m struck with a strong desire to put another baby inside her and watch her grow with life—something I missed before. And fuck, where did that thought come from?
I lift then sink again, and Rachel lifts too, meeting me thrust for thrust. Her eyes drift open again, and I stare into them, the blue so bright after her orgasm. I lean in and kiss those perfect swollen lips and feel my balls tighten. I’m not ready. I’m not done getting my fill so I hold off. The longer I’m inside her, the longer I want to be there.
I sit back on my knees and lift her ass so she’s in my lap, then I bend her knees. This puts me deeper, tighter inside her, and I can see it in her wide eyes. Her huge breasts are bouncing and watching them sway pushes me further. Rachel’s close, I can see it in her stormy expression, and as I drive inside her, with our eyes locked, I know I can’t hold off much longer.
I grab her thighs and pound more feverishly. When her hands seek me out, I release her legs and lean forward until she’s wrapped around me, her nails digging in as she clamps down. Her cries are so fucking hot, I can’t wait another second. I’m losing control and thrusting every ounce of strength I have inside her.
“Rachel, oh God, baby, oh God!”
After one last thrust, my entire body tenses, then relaxes as I collapse on top of her. Empty… yet full. My heart wants to pump out of my chest and a solid lump forms in my throat. What the fuck is wrong with me? I shift to my side, bringing her with me. Holding on for dear life. Holding on to my life. The life that was stolen from me all those years ago. The family that was stolen from me.
I knock on her front door, but there’s no answer. The drapes are closed, and Mrs. Williams never leaves the drapes closed unless they’re in bed or out of town. I glance down at my watch. Rachel wasn’t at school today, and none of her other friends have heard from her either.
I asked Carly to call the house and ask for her. I know Mrs. Williams would be less weird about a girl calling than she would with me. For some reason, she doesn’t like Rachel and I seeing each other. Not that I give a shit that she doesn’t like me, but she’s always giving Rachel a hard time about it.
Where the hell could they be? I stare at my watch. Four o’clock… Could she have gone out of town without telling me? Not likely. Even if her mother was being a complete bitch, Rachel would have found a way to contact me. She always did.
I walk back to my car and wait. I’m parked on the street about thirty yards away. I can watch from here. When I see them come home, I’ll feel better. I can’t help this ache I have in my chest. Like something’s wrong. Even if I can’t spend any time with her today, at least I’ll know she’s home and all right.
Hours later and they’re still not home. It’s nearly midnight, and I already know my mom’s going to flip the fuck out when I get home. Jesus, Rachel, where are you?
I start the car and head home, fear gripping my insides like a vice.
When my heart stops hammering, I release my grip slightly and lean back to see her face. I have so many feelings rushing through me as I stare at her. Her eyes are swimming with emotions too, the blue looking like the dark sea.
“Rachel, I love you. Do you know that?”
She nods, causing a tear to slip out. “I love you, too—I never stopped.”
“I need you to know… fuck.” I stop for a moment and rest my forehead against hers. “I need you to know that if you hurt me again, it’s going to destroy me.”
“I will never hurt you,” her voice cracks as she says this. “What I did, leaving like that, it nearly destroyed me too, Michael. Nothing was ever the same no matter how hard I tried to get past it, get past you, I just couldn’t.”
I lay a long hard kiss on her lips and say, “Good.” I withdraw and meet her eyes again. “I’m sorry you were hurt, but Christ, I’m so happy I’m not some shmuck who’s been pining for a girl who never gave him a second thought after leaving town.”
“Oh God, no! I’ve thought about you every single day. I’ve watched our daughter grow to be more like you and it’s been so rewarding, yet so heartbreaking at the same time.”
“Rachel, there’s something else I need to ask.”
“I told you to ask me anything.”
“I’m sure this is the last thing you want to talk about, but there’s something I need to know.”
Her nose crinkles, and she looks confused. “What is it?”
“Something happened. Someone did something to you… I want to know what he did and who he is.”
It takes a moment, and then recognition flashes in her eyes. She shakes free of my grip and lifts up. “What are you asking me—and why now?”
“I want to know everything I missed.”
Her face has gone hard, and her eyes frosty. Maybe I should have waited, but it’s nagging me, and I need to know what she’s been through. She crawls under the blankets and brings them up to cover herself. “No… Jesus… did I really write about that to you?”
“Yes. It was vague, but you wrote a letter about it.”
“I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t remember doing it.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“No, I—no. I’m not talking about that, and you shouldn’t want to either.”
“Rachel, you shared so much of your life with me in those letters. Please don’t hold back now. I told you I’m going to want to hear every story. The last fourteen years are a puzzle to me. I need all the pieces if I’m going to understand why it took you so long to find me and tell me about Raegan.” I pull the blankets away so she’ll look at me.
She shakes her head and closes her eyes. After a long moment, she says, “That’s not fair.”
“Nothing about this situation is fair.”
&
nbsp; “This isn’t something I want to share with you.”
“Okay, can I ask why you don’t want to share this with me? What about this is different to anything else you’ve written in those journals?”
She ducks her head forward and lifts the blankets up over her face again. A moment later, I feel her shudder, and I know she’s crying. “Babe, why is this different?” I drag the blankets back down and with my finger under her chin, I force her to look at me. Her watery eyes are so sad, and I can barely stand to look into them, but I need to know.
“I don’t want you to see me differently. If I tell you this, things won’t be the same.”
“Rach, there isn’t anything you can tell me that would change how I feel. Jesus Christ, you kept my daughter a secret, what could be worse than that?”
She looks stricken after I say this, and that makes me instantly regret it. “I’m sorry. Look, I’m not trying to use Raegan as a weapon, but—”
“But you are!”
I cup her face, wishing like hell I’d thought this through before bringing it up. “I’m sorry, babe. I just want to understand what you’ve been through.” When her eyes focus on me again, I say, “In your letter, you said he showed up at your house drunk and that you were glad Raegan didn’t hear… then it was two full years before you wrote another letter. What did he do to you?”
She shakes free of my grip and sits back up. Then she wipes her face clean of her tears. “I don’t want to talk about this. Not now, not here… not like this.”
“Why does here and now make a difference? Because we’re in bed? Or because you don’t want to think about it when you’re with me?” She tries to get out of bed, but I hold onto her. “Please, Rach… if you trust me, you’ll confide in me.” I reach out to touch her face and say, “I’m struggling with the fact that I wasn’t here to protect you… please tell me what happened.”
“You really want to know?”
“I really want to know.”
She looks me dead in the eye and says, “He raped me.” Her voice is hard, and she lifts her chin as she says it. That’s when I realize what’s happening inside her head. She’s ashamed, even though she knows she shouldn’t be. I think about everything Diana said. Having to muscle through life with a smile pretending things are good, even when they’re not good. Fighting through the pain. That’s what’s happening here. She knows she’s not responsible in her head, but in her heart, she feels like she deserved it.
“I’m sorry…” I don’t know what else to say. I want to kill someone, but I don’t want her to see a severe reaction. I told her I wouldn’t see her differently—and I’ll do whatever is necessary to avoid that. “I’m sorry that happened, and I’m sorry I wasn’t here to protect you.”
Tears start falling from her eyes again and as she looks away from me, she says, “I’m fine. I got through it.”
“How?”
“Therapy… lots and lots of therapy.”
“Is he in jail?”
Her head whips around to look at me. “Why are you asking that?”
“Because if he isn’t, I want to look the guy up. Pay him a visit.”
“No… and no. I didn’t report it.”
“Rachel, that asshole is still walking the streets.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t act like it’s my duty to turn him in—you don’t know, Mike.” Her voice pitches and she tries again to get some distance from me. This time I move away. I don’t want her to feel trapped. “Don’t lay that guilt at my feet. You’ll never know what that was like for me. I had a security system installed on my house, and I learned how to defend myself. I made sure Raegan knows how to defend herself, too. I have to be accountable to myself and Raegan… I don’t have to be accountable to the rest of the world.”
“Does anyone know? Your parents? Raegan?”
When I ask this, she shakes her head vehemently. “No. Nobody knows.” She nudges a hand at me. “You know… my therapist knows. That’s it.”
“You had to go through that alone? What about your friends?”
“I’ve never told anyone outside of therapy, just you.”
“It wasn’t your fault… you understand that, right?”
“I should have fought harder, but I couldn’t do anything,” she says. “I couldn’t do anything to stop him… he was so strong… and I couldn’t wake Raegan.” She wraps her arms tightly around herself and says, “I hate that. It’s pathetic, and it makes me sick… and for a very long time, I couldn’t even look in the mirror.”
“Still wasn’t your fault, Rachel.”
She nods, causing more tears. “I know that now.” It comes out in a small whisper, and I feel bad for making her tell me, but I’m also so glad she shared it with me.
“You’re so strong, do you know that? God, Rachel, you’re raising this amazing kid on your own and running that beautiful hotel… you’ve been rocking life without me.”
Her eyes cut to me when I say this, then she shakes her head. “No. I’m a mess, Michael. I never wanted any of this without you.” Her beautiful lips turn into a frown, and she says, “After that day, I gave up any thought of finding you. That’s why I stopped searching. I knew I’d never be the same person you fell in love with. I knew I’d never have the courage to share this with you. I felt you’d lose all respect for me when you found out. I…” Her lips quiver and it takes her a moment, but then she says, “…let it happen… that I let that happen a room away from our sleeping child.”
“Rachel, my God. Baby, you’ve been carrying this around with you for all this time?”
She nods, more tears dropping from her lids. “I’ve been on antidepressants for four years… if it wasn’t for Raegan, I’d…”
“You’d what?” I say, afraid of the answer.
“I don’t know,” she says. “I’m not sure I would’ve survived it without her, and she doesn’t even know what happened.”
I draw her against me and hold her close for a long time. I’m not sure how to even digest what she’s told me. “I’m so sorry you went through that, but, babe, you have to stop. You have to let it go. I’d never, ever blame you for such a thing. Jesus Christ, if you’d have fought harder, tried to get away, he could have really hurt you and Raegan.”
“I know that… I do.” She buries her face in my chest and says, “You’re the first person to touch me since then.”
“Why did you allow me to touch you, Rachel? Didn’t I scare you… in that dark hotel suite?” Jesus, I want to kick myself for being so rough with her. What an ass.
She squeezes me tighter. “Of course not. I’ve never been afraid of you. I never thought you’d hurt me. Honestly, it never crossed my mind to pull away from you. I never once thought about what happened to me when I was with you. I went by instinct and followed my heart.”
“I’m so glad.” I kiss the top of her head and say, “I don’t want to let you go tonight. Do you mind if I stay?”
“You didn’t think I was going to let you leave, did you?”
This breaks some of the tension and makes me laugh.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she says. “I feel like I can breathe for the first time in forever.”
“I know… me too. We both have scars. Right? But we’re going to get through this together.”
Twenty-Nine
Rachel
Dear Mike,
I had a dream about you last night. It happens a lot. Several times a year, actually. This time, we were sitting inside your bedroom, talking about having children. You were smiling as if it was exactly what you wanted. I know we never actually talked about kids when we were together, but in my dreams, you’re happy about being a dad, and that always makes me feel uncertain about my life.
Something happened to me some time ago, and it’s really damaged me. I’m uncertain about everything now. My decisions. My ability to be a good parent. My ability to do my job. My ability to interact with people in general. The only thing I’m certain about is that I
want to protect our daughter. I’ve thought a lot about you over the last couple of years, not that I didn’t before. The difference is, I’ve stopped looking for you. There are a few reasons for this, and a lot of questions.
What if I find you and call you, but you don’t want anything to do with her?
What happens if I find you and you’re happily married to someone else with other kids?
What happens if I find you and you tell me you love me… and I have to tell you how damaged I really am?
Raegan is eleven, and she needs a father. But does her father want a child? These thoughts keep me up more often than I want to admit. I know one day I will see you again. Hopefully, on that day, I’ll be certain about something. Anything.
Right now, I know that I love you and miss you.
I know that I’m no longer worthy of you… if I ever was.
I know that my subconscious doesn’t want me to forget you.
I know that Raegan will love you and I want you to love her back more than anything else in the world… I want you to love me back just as much, but you shouldn’t because I’m a complete mess.
What is this life… seriously? Why am I here? Some days Raegan is the only thing that keeps me going.
Here’s a fun fact: Raegan loves computers—already! She’s going to be a handful. One summer camp program and now she wants to be a hacker. A HACKER! I’m afraid of how smart this girl is.
I love you,
Rachel
Thirty
Michael
We hold each other for a long time, bodies entwined and arms locked around each other until I feel her relax, then I hear a strong sigh. A sigh that says a lot. The more I learn about her and Raegan’s life, the more I want to be there for them. I want to take Rachel’s worries from her. Not that she needs to be rescued. She doesn’t, I know that, but she needs a partner. Someone to share the burden of these worries with… someone who loves her and will be there for her without putting her under pressure by trying to control everything in her life. Like her mother.
