Back for Good...
A Studs & Steel Novella
(Studs & Steel #7.5)
Kindle Edition
Heather Mar-Gerrison, Copyright 2018
Beautiful front cover
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No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except where permitted by law. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work.
Prologue
Five years ago…
Eduard
I stared at Georg, “What?” I asked, heat curling in my gut and making my insides start to shake. My youngest brother, Franz, had come out two years before but surely, he wasn’t old enough to know that he was gay for certain? Never mind being sure enough to come on out and say it...
Georg nodded, “Yup,” He said, rolling his eyes as if he thought Franz was as mad as a bag of snakes, “He’s got a new boyfriend and he’s gonna introduce him to the olds – tonight.”
Holy fucking shit. That was a mistake. Mum had almost killed him when he did his whole coming-out thing. What the hell did he think he was doing? He really seemed to me to be on a path of total self-destruction. “Where is he?” I demanded. I’d go and give him a piece of my mind – and tell him not to be so fucking stupid at the same time. The kid had a fucking death-wish…
Georg shrugged, “He’s probably round at Wade’s. I think they’ve got an assignment to do.”
My heart flip-flopped in my chest at the mention of Wade. I nodded, “Yeah, I know,” I managed to maintain my thunderous look of rage that I used whenever I felt threatened. Everyone was completely convinced that I was a total homophobe. I really wasn’t. I was actually an incredibly closeted gay guy, having realised it when my brother Franz had come out in total style – and well, there was no way I could have put my hand up and said, “Oh, by the way – you can count me in on that confession, too,” with the way my mother had completely lost the plot over it. By the same token, there was no getting away from it. I’d never fancied a girl in all of my life. I was a bit of a late developer, I guess and other than admiring football players and rugby players, I’d never really had any sort of admiration for anyone my own age.
Knowing I was gay and actually having the hots for someone other than a celebrity came a lot later. The first time I realised that I’d really got the hots for someone and was actually willing to do something about it, I was coming up for twenty and the guy in question was sixteen. That guy was Wade Jackson and he lived right across the street. We’d been friends with the Jacksons for literally years. The trouble was, I’d only realised the depth of my feelings for him just before he left to join the army – and the other rather massive flaw in my plan to tell him the way I felt, was that, as far as I was aware, he was as straight as a die… Yeah. Could be a bit of an issue, that…
Anyway… He went, well of course he did. He wasn’t going to change his mind for me – but out of sight didn’t mean out of mind and the time apart hadn’t stopped me thinking about him on a pretty much daily basis. Hell, I thought about him so much that I’d not been able to have any sort of relationship with anyone else in all the time he’d been away. I’d had the odd hook-up – hell, I wasn’t a monk – but no one else held a candle to Wade…
I remember when he joined up. I’d been completely shell-shocked.
“You’re joining the army?” I asked. We all used to hang out on the park, drinking, playing football and generally being a total pain in the arse to anyone that was trying to walk their dog...
He nodded, shrugging his shoulders, “Yeah,” he said, “I’m not clever enough to go to uni, like Franz – you must know he does most of my homework for me,” he flashed an apologetic grin and my heart just about melted, “and well, there’s nothing else to keep me here.”
My heart went from melted to feeling as if it was in an icy grip and being squeezed hard. I was here for him but I guess that wasn’t enough. I was just Franz’s older brother – a sort-of friend but not really someone he would actually call one of his bezzies, “No,” I muttered, “I guess there isn’t....”
He’d looked up at me. His bright blue eyes had always been far too beautiful for the rest of his face that had been kind of thin and non-descript. He had full lips and a fine nose – girly I guess and that shock of white-blonde hair had really done nothing to make him any manlier.
I stared back into his face, trying to memorise every little freckle. What if he never came back? What if I never got the chance to tell him how I felt? Suddenly the most overwhelming feeling of desperation took over me. I grabbed his hand, “Come with me.” I pulled him away from all of the others to a patch of trees that we used to call the hideout when we were smaller. I had to tell him while I had the chance – whatever that might do to our friendship.
He laughed, “Where are we going?” he asked, trailing after me the way he had since we were little.
“Hideout,” I said shortly, “I uh, need to tell you something.”
He fell silent and still clutching his hand, I led him to the centre of the trees.
“What?” he asked, a little frown furrowing his pale eyebrows.
Breathing hard, and hoping against hope that he wasn’t going to lose his shit completely at my confession, I started to talk...
He blinked at me, “You’re gay?” he asked, his jaw dropping slightly, “So, it’s not just Franz?”
I shook my head, “No, Franz is just something else when it comes to telling it how it is,” I rolled my eyes and tried not to smile at my sassy brother’s ways, “he’s the only one of us brave enough to come out. Mum went nuts – well, she is nuts...”
He nodded his agreement. Mum had always been a religious freak, “So, why are you telling me?” he asked.
I sighed. It was madness thinking he’d feel the same way as I did. We were really good mates, always had been – and it would be just too fantastic if he felt the same but there was something about him that I just wondered about... “I don’t know.” I shook my head, suddenly feeling really exposed and a little foolish, “I guess I just wanted you to know the real me – you know? Before you leave me.”
He laughed and punched my shoulder affectionately, “I’m not leaving you, dude,” he said brightly, “I’ll still be at the other end of your stupid text messages.” He grinned and his beautiful mouth curved up at the edges in that maddeningly sexy way it had always done.
I sighed. He just didn’t understand the pain. I wouldn’t be able to see him every day. Wouldn’t be able to talk to him whenever I felt like it. I looked at him. He loved me, sure he did – but only as a mate. It was a crushing blow. “Yeah,” I said, forcing a grin, “I know. Ignore me, I’m just freaking out about you going off and never coming back...”
He shook his head, “You don’t get rid of me that easily, fella.” He said, punching my shoulder again. “I’ll be battering your door down every time I’m home on leave.”
I grinned, “Brilliant.” I said, “And we’ll play on the X-Box every time you get back, too.” We might not have been really close friends, but out of the five of us, he and I were definitely the geekiest when it came to gaming and we’d definitely bonded over it – that and wrestling. We both loved wrestling too and had been known on occasion to wrestle with each other. It had always given me a boner, though, so I tried my best to avoid it whenever I could. I would have hated for anyone to have noticed.
He laughed, “We can still game over the internet too. I’m sure I’ll have
some down time.”
I nodded. Things were brightening a little – only a little, though. I was going to miss him like crazy and suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to wrestle him to the ground and kiss him until he submitted...
Wade
I gazed up into Eduard’s face. Eduard was incredibly handsome, there was no denying it. He’d always been the best-looking out of the Krämer brothers – or maybe he wasn’t and I was just biased because I’d admired him the most since I was knee-high to a grasshopper.
There were three of us – and three of them – and we all went through school together.
Eduard was the eldest and went to school with my sister, Frances. My older brother Roger and his younger brother, Georg were the same age and then Franz and I were the youngest and hung around together pretty much all of the time.
I always felt a little sorry for Frances for being a girl. She never got the same experience that Franz and I had, having a close friend that we could tell everything to. Although, to be fair, I’d never told Franz how much I valued Eduard’s friendship, even though Franz had no trouble telling anyone that would listen everything he was feeling at any time of the day or night. I did tell him one time that I thought I might be bisexual – and I think I might have even mentioned that I fancied Eduard – but I was roaring drunk and so was he, so I doubted he would ever remember it. He’d never mentioned it again, so I think I’d got away with it. We were both fourteen at the time and I was going through a bit of a phase. I assumed it was because Franz had come out and I thought it was cool…
I loved Franz for being the way he was, so eager to embrace his sexuality. He was as gay as a rainbow and as far as I could see, his world was full of wonder. He didn’t even bat an eyelid over coming out to his parents, even though he nearly gave his mother a coronary in the process...
I admired the little guy for his balls of steel.
When he came out as gay at the tender age of fourteen (around the time we got drunk and I confessed that I thought I might be bisexual) I wasn’t surprised in the slightest. Franz had been camp for as long as I could remember. If he wasn’t walking around in the tightest jeans possible, he wore hot pants. He was out even before he came out.
Neither Georg nor Eduard were like that, but I’d often wondered if Eduard was harbouring a secret but then I figured that there was no way. I’d have noticed, surely? And besides, I just wasn’t that lucky. If anything, Eduard showed signs of being like his mother – totally homophobic. But if he had been gay, I’d have totally supported him in the same way as I did Franz. I couldn’t promise to like any prospective boyfriends Eduard might have because as far as I was concerned, no one would ever be good enough for him – but there was no way I wouldn’t be mates with him. I loved him too much to not want to be in his life in some capacity or other.
“What?” I asked, my heart thumping in my chest. I’d just found the courage to tell him that I was going into the army. I didn’t really want to go – but where we lived, there was little opportunity to do anything else when you were as academically challenged as I was. I was great at sports but I wasn’t about to be chosen to be the next big thing – and I figured I could work really hard and become a fitness trainer for the cadets or something after I’d served my time as a new recruit. The officer I spoke to at the careers day had said it was definitely something I could strive for – and I was nothing if not tenacious...
I’m not gonna lie, when Eduard started telling me that he was gay – well, it rocked my world.
I started to think about all of the times, growing up, that we’d been allowed so much alone time together and he’d never once made a move on me. Did that mean he didn’t fancy me? I was strangely disappointed.
“So why are you telling me now?” I had to ask. Why the fuck did you never say so before? Didn’t you trust me enough? Did you think I wouldn’t still want to be friends? What?
He sighed and looked at me, his big, not-quite-green, not-quite-brown eyes full of something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Was he embarrassed? Nervous? Shy? I had no idea. “I guess I just wanted you to know the real me... you know? Before you leave me.”
I suddenly didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay right here, with Eduard, hidden away in the clump of trees forever. What the hell had possessed me to enlist? I didn’t want to be anywhere that Eduard wasn’t. Fighting down the lump in my throat that was threatening to cut off my air supply, I forced myself to grin at him, “I’m not leaving you, dude,” I managed to get out without sounding as if I was about to bawl my eyes out, “I’ll still be at the other end of your stupid text messages.” And boy, were some of his text messages stupid?
I was trying my best to make him smile, but there was nothing but desperation in his face. What wasn’t he telling me? Come on Eduard, tell me what you’re really thinking. Then I can tell you what I’m really thinking…
He sighed and then finally, as if it was a massive effort, he shot me a small smile, “Yeah,” he said, “I know – ignore me, I’m just freaking out about you going off and never coming back to me...”
It was a valid point but I was trying not to focus on that possibility. I shook my head firmly, “You don’t get rid of me that easily, fella.” I punched his arm to stop myself from flinging my arms around his neck and hugging the life out of him – something I’d never really had the nerve to do before, but right in that moment, it felt so damned right... “I’ll be battering your door down every time I’m home on leave.” And I really would. Make no mistake. I would probably head straight for his house instead of my own.
He was finally smiling at me in the way he always did, “Brilliant.” He said, “And we’ll play on the X-Box every time you get back.”
I nodded and laughed. He was forgetting that we could game over the internet, “We can still game over the internet too. I’m sure I’ll have some down time.” God, please let me have enough down time to keep in proper contact...
He nodded. “Let’s head back before anyone misses us.” He said.
I nodded, “Sure.” I agreed, feeling as if I’d missed out on something really special but not quite sure what it was.
Chapter 1 – Back for Good...
Present Day
My brother, Roger, had mentioned to me that Wade was back – and then Dad also told me that he was back. Did they both have some sort of inkling about my feelings for him or something?
I had no idea if they did or if it was just that we’d always hung out with the Jackson’s sons in the past. Whatever their motivation for telling me – I was, very interested – and dying to see him. I’d been a little disappointed that he hadn’t hot-footed it round like he used to when he got any time off until I realised that maybe it was more that he couldn’t rather than the fact that we weren’t speaking to each other…
“Is he home, then?” I asked Dad.
He shook his head and let out the biggest sigh I’d ever heard, “No,” he finally said, his face grave, “He’s been sent over to St Hugh’s... you might want to sit down, son.”
St Hugh’s was the massive, sprawling hospital on the other side of the city.
My heart almost stopped at his words. Sit down? Fuck. What the hell had happened to him? “What’s he gone there for?” I asked, a feeling of dread trickling through me slowly. Something was badly wrong. I could just feel it. Dad was looking at me, like someone regards a skittish horse. Wade was in trouble. Of course, he was because even if we weren’t talking to each other (only because I was a dick and had spent the last God knows how long ignoring him) he wouldn’t come home and not come over. He was a far better human being than that – and without question, a far better man than I was…
Dad sighed and shook his head sorrowfully, “He was badly injured in a roadside bomb, Ed. I think he lost a leg or something…” he trailed off, his chin wobbling.
My blood ran cold. He’d lost a limb? Was he going to live? Holy shit. What was I supposed to say to him? It didn’t matter what I w
as supposed to say. I had to see him. I had to tell him how I felt about him. How I’d always felt about him – and having a limb missing somehow didn’t change that one iota.... I fucking loved him. And I didn’t want to wait another second to tell him.... “Can I go?” I asked.
Dad shrugged, “Who’s stopping you?” he asked.
Good point... well presented. Right.... I guess I should go, then... Fuck. What the hell was I supposed to say to him, though?
I was awkward. There was no getting away from it. I said the wrong things. I did the wrong things. I think I was sure I was on some sort of spectrum for autism or something, even if Dad had never taken me to be assessed... I had issues.... I repelled people and there was no doubt that there had been a time, in the more recent past when Wade was among those I repelled. Being on the other side of the world from each other for years had put a strain on our friendship – and hearing all about the other guys in his life – his friends and colleagues; well, it had driven me over the edge...
Jealousy like I never knew existed had eaten away at me, making me bitter and angry and I’d stopped texting so much, only replying with the odd word when he bothered. He was busy with his army career and I was drifting along at home, going through university half-heartedly and then getting a job. I wasn’t interested in anything much. I was so hung up on Wade that I had little time in my life for boyfriends. I had the odd hook-up – always away from home, so no one knew my terrible secret...
I’d lied about my sexuality to everyone else for so long I was almost convinced myself that I was straight again. I was pathetic. A liar... Why the hell would Wade want me back in his life? He’d never want to see me... I should stay away... But I couldn’t.
*
My legs were shaking as I walked through the high dependency unit that Wade was being looked after in. I really didn’t feel as if I’d be welcomed by any of his family – and least of all by him.
Back for Good Page 1
