Gellerman said, “You won’t be seeing much of me in the future, I’m afraid.”
“Schedule changes?” Karl hoped that was all it was. Perhaps Gellerman had opted to teach night classes. But from the look on his face, he doubted it. Karl hoped no one was ill.
“No, no schedule at all, I’m rather sorry to say.” Gellerman gave him a sad and wry smile. “It seems the university has no need of my services anymore. I have been let go.”
“What happened? I don’t mean to pry, and you can feel free to tell me it’s none of my business, but I have to ask. What was the reason?”
Felix frowned. “It’s because of the new laws. The Nuremberg Laws. You see, Karl, my old friend, I am a Jew. I don’t know if you knew that.”
“I don’t know if I ever thought much about it, Felix.”
“Yes, well, Germany is now thinking a great deal about it, I am afraid. Being a Jew is not safe here anymore.”
“But this is absurd. I don’t believe it! You are a very knowledgeable professor. You’re an asset to this institution, and I find it difficult to understand why the university would to let you go for no good reason,” Karl said, shaking his head in disbelief. “This is clearly wrong. And it’s upsetting.”
“It’s not as simple as that. I am afraid we Jews are quickly losing our rights as German citizens, and quite frankly, I am very worried about the state of things here in Germany. I am afraid that things are going to get much worse.”
“I can’t understand. How could it possibly be worse than this? When a good man is losing his job for no reason at all?”
“Who knows? But the climate in this country, right now, is very unfriendly for my people.”
“So what will you do for work now? Do you plan to teach at a Jewish university?”
“No, I am looking further ahead than that, although I am uncertain of what is to come. I feel very uneasy, Karl. Very uneasy, indeed. I am going to move my family out of Germany. I have a brother who lives in Holland. He says he can get me work teaching there.”
“But you know that we have many Jewish professors on our faculty. Are they planning on firing all of them?”
“Many have been fired already. And yes, I believe they are.”
“This is just not right, Felix. I should probably go to the head of the faculty about this.”
Felix nodded. “You’re a good person, Schmidt. I’ve always admired you. But this is bigger than both of us. I don’t think it will help. In my opinion, you, being a pure German, should keep your head down. And if you stay quiet, you’ll be safe. You’ve told me before you are a single father. I know that you need this job. The last thing you want is to be ostracized because of me.”
“Well, we’ll see.”
“Be smart, Karl. Stay quiet.”
Karl nodded. “Best of luck to you wherever life takes you, my friend,” Karl said. He felt terrible about the treatment of his Jewish colleagues. But at the same time, he was relieved not to have to take a stand. Although he wanted to help, and he knew it was the right thing to do, he was glad that his friend had, in a way, given him permission to remain silent.
“And to you, Karl.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Karl Schmidt couldn’t sleep that night. He lay in bed, twisting his fingers in the quilt that his wife had made for them when they were first married. How he missed her! She was such a bright light in his life. After she died, all he had left was his precious daughter and his career as a professor, which he loved.
His mind drifted to Gretchen. She looked so much like his wife, Aidie. She had the same expressions too. Funny how she could have the same facial expressions as her mother even though she had never seen her. A warm glow of love filled his heart when he thought about his daughter. She was full of intellectual curiosity. Her desire for knowledge and her love of sports came from him, and that made him proud. But her good looks, those she got from her mother.
Karl always enjoyed sports, and he kept himself in good shape even though he was approaching forty. Every morning, he got up and walked a mile and then ran home. On Wednesday nights, he played soccer at the park with a few of the other men from the neighborhood. He taught Gretchen how to play soccer too, and she had played with a group of friends since she was ten. But that was before she joined the BDM. Now, between the BDM, work, and school, she hardly had time to breathe. He didn’t care for the friends she made in the BDM, especially that girl Hilde who came over all the time. He didn’t like her. She gave him a bad feeling, but he wasn’t sure why.
Karl still mourned the loss of his beloved wife, his Aidie, who died giving birth to Gretchen. It had taken a lot for him to love his daughter and accept his role as a father. When Gretchen was first born, he could hardly look at her. He blamed her for taking away the one woman he loved. He was alone with a baby, and he was in trouble. He didn’t think he could raise Gretchen. He wanted his sister, Margrit, and her husband, Gunther, to take his baby girl home with them.
Karl couldn’t even bear the sight of the tiny infant as she lay in her little cradle in the hospital. He left the hospital and went to a public phone and called Margrit, his sister.
“I just don’t want her, Margrit. I don’t feel any love for her at all. She is the reason that my Aidie is gone,” he said. His voice cracked, and he felt sick to his stomach. “If you don’t want the child, I am going to give her up for adoption. I don’t care who takes her, or what happens to her. I’ll put her in a home for orphans.”
“Please don’t do anything, Karl. Wait for me. I’m on my way. I’ll be there before you take the baby home from the hospital. Just don’t do anything rash. Please, all I ask is that you wait for me.”
Margrit left her husband, Gunther, in Munich and traveled all night by train. Karl was glad to see his sister. He thought she came to take Gretchen home with her.
For the first two weeks of Gretchen’s life, Margrit took care of Gretchen by herself. Karl never set foot in the nursery that he and Aidie had so lovingly put together. Margrit cared for Gretchen and prepared food for Karl, which he hardly ate. She washed his clothes and cleaned his house, but he didn’t bathe or go out at all. Margrit contacted Karl’s job and explained the situation, and the university excused him from his duties for three weeks.
Karl hardly even saw Margrit. He spent most of his time hiding in his room, thinking. He drank excessively, which fed into his melancholy. As the days passed, his thoughts drifted back to the first time he saw Aidie. She was a fellow student at the university. He was on his way to the library when she ran up to him, soaked but radiant, and asked him where she could find the cafeteria. His breath caught in his throat as he looked at her. Even drenched to the bone, Aidie was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. He had always been an introvert; her speaking to him left him tongue-tied. He was so overcome by her that he could hardly find the words to explain something as simple as how to get to the cafeteria. As the rain came down harder, he tried to give her the directions. “You turn right at that building over there. You see the one with the red brick?”
“Which one? There are two with red brick.”
“That one.” He pointed. “The one over there. Walk about twenty feet and you will find yourself at the assembly hall. Then turn to the left, and then make another sharp left, and go into that building. Once you are inside, just head straight down the stairs.”
“Oh my goodness! I don’t think I’ll ever find it. Are you on your way to class?” she asked.
“No. I don’t have a class now. I was going to the library. I can walk you to the cafeteria, if you would like,” he stammered.
She smiled. “Yes, that would be so helpful. Thank you.”
A flash of lightning filled the sky.
“The rain is getting heavier,” she said. “Come on; let’s get inside.” She took his arm, and they ran, Karl leading the way. By the time they arrived at the cafeteria, they were both soaking wet and laughing.
“For goodness sake! The water is dripping
off my eyelashes,” he said.
“Mine too. Will you join me for lunch?” Aidie asked.
“Yes, I would like that,” Karl said, forgetting all about the library. They had lunch together. Aidie kept the conversation going, and by the time they finished, they had set a date to see each other again the following evening. So it began.
Karl was in awe of this beautiful, high-spirited girl. He couldn’t believe a girl like that was actually paying attention to him. She was vivacious, intelligent, and gorgeous. He saw himself as a withdrawn intellectual. Within six months, they were engaged. Neither family was wealthy, so they had a small wedding. Aidie insisted on dropping out of school and getting a job to support the two of them while Karl finished his schooling. The plan was that as soon he started working, Aidie would return to her studies and earn her degree. It was a financial struggle for the couple to survive on Aidie’s meager salary but they managed.
“We live mostly on love,” Aidie always said, laughing and messing his hair whenever he complained that the apartment where they lived had rats or that they hardly had enough food. It was easy for her to lift his spirits. Just a smile from her lips, and he could see the light at the end of their struggles.
Karl graduated. As soon as he was hired at the university in Berlin, they got a nicer flat just a few streets away from the campus, so he could walk to work. The flat was small, but the building was well maintained and very clean. Aidie registered for school, but before the semester began, she was pregnant. Karl was afraid she would be disappointed, as the pregnancy meant she would have to forfeit her education. But she wasn’t unhappy. In fact, she was ecstatic. Her joy was contagious, and before Karl knew it, he was excited about having a child.
During her pregnancy, he tried to make Aidie feel as wonderful as she made him feel. He brought her chocolates and flowers, both of which were frivolities they could hardly afford. But she was worth it. He worshiped her.
All seemed perfect and ideal until the baby came two weeks early. Aidie labored for fourteen hours until she was exhausted, but the child refused to turn. Then the unthinkable happened. The doctor told Karl that he had to cut Aidie open and take the baby out, or the mother and child would die. Karl was distraught, but when the doctor told Aidie, she was not concerned for her own well-being.
As Aidie was wheeled into surgery, she begged the doctor, “Promise me that no matter what happens to me in surgery, you will put my baby’s life first. Save her life before you save mine.”
In his mind, Karl screamed out, “No! No!”
But before he could find words to express himself, his wife and the doctor were gone behind the metal door of the surgical theater. Karl wrung his hands for two hours before the doctor returned. The doctor had kept his promise to Aidie. The child was fine. But Aidie . . . Aidie was gone.
Karl felt the room spin, and then everything went dark. He leaned against the wall in the hospital, then he passed out, sliding down to the floor. It was the beginning of a nightmare Karl never thought would end. He was consumed by misery.
Two weeks after Margrit and Karl brought the tiny bundle home, Margrit finally decided to confront Karl. One night after Margrit put little Gretchen to bed, she called Karl into the living room.
He was in his room, lying facedown on his bed, sick from too much alcohol. He groaned at the sound of Margrit’s voice. The last thing I need right now is to talk. He wanted to be left alone, to drown in his drunken stupor in the darkness of the bedroom he once shared with his beloved Aidie. If he could, he’d put himself into a casket and be buried with his memories sealed inside forever.
But Margrit refused to give up. She was relentless. She came to his bedroom door and knocked. “Karl, please. Come out. I need to speak to you now.”
He didn’t answer, hoping she would think he was asleep and go away.
“Karl! I mean it. If you don’t come out right now, I am going to pack my things and leave here. I am going home. Do you hear me, Karl?”
She won’t stop until I give in, Karl thought. He got up from the bed knowing his clothes were dirty and disheveled, and his hair was uncombed. He didn’t have the strength to make himself presentable. It was all he could do to walk out to the living room and sit down on the sofa.
“I need to talk to you,” Margrit said as she poured them each a cup of tea. She set both cups on the used coffee table Karl and Aidie found at a rummage sale. She sat across from him and took his hand.
“I know you’re hurting. I understand how you feel. But this little girl didn’t kill Aidie. She is just an innocent child. Your child, Karl. Your child and Aidie’s child. And she is so helpless, Karl. She needs you so much.” A single tear ran down Margrit’s cheek. Quickly, she wiped it away with the back of her hand. “Karl . . . please . . .”
“I can’t look at her.”
“You have to look at her. She’s yours . . . and she’s Aidie’s. Would Aidie have wanted you to turn your back on her?”
“No.” He shrugged. “But how can I ever go on without my wife? I always played like I was the strong one, but the truth is, it was Aidie who was my rock. She was my strength, and she was my weakness too. Oh, Margrit, I loved her so much. She was too good for me. Much too good for me. This is my fault. If I had been more careful, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, and she’d still be here today.” Tears ran down his cheeks.
“Karl, don’t think that way. Aidie wanted this baby. She wanted her so much. Every time I called and Aidie and I talked, she told me how happy she was to be pregnant.”
“What did I do wrong? How did I anger God so much that he would take my wife? My only love. My reason for living. Why, Margrit? Why?”
“I don’t know, Karl. I wish I had an answer, but I don’t.” She squeezed his arm. He raised his head and looked into her eyes, and she said, “However, what I do know is that all you have left of your Aidie is that tiny baby in the crib. And as she grows up, you’ll see your Aidie in your daughter. Once you see Aidie in your child, you’ll know that Aidie isn’t gone—not completely.”
Karl’s shoulders slumped. It was as if all the fight went out of him. He was no longer angry—just terribly sad. He fell into his sister’s arms and wept. She held him like a child, and she didn’t say another word. Then, when he was spent, he swallowed hard and looked into his sister’s eyes.
“Come. Let’s go to the baby’s room,” he said in a small voice. “I am ready to look at my child.”
It was the first time he allowed himself to actually see Gretchen. A strange feeling came over him as he looked into the crib to see the tiny figure wrapped in a blanket. His heartbeat quickened, and a fierce desire to shield his child from pain and danger came over him. Gretchen was asleep, but as Karl stared into the crib, she opened her eyes. It was dusk outside, and he could see her clearly, so clearly that she was finally a real living person in his mind. She was his child, his and Aidie’s little girl. Her eyes were shaped like Aidie’s; her lips curved like Aidie’s. Tears began to fall down his cheeks once again. He could hardly believe how much this small infant reminded him of his beloved wife. He reached out and touched her tiny foot, marveling as he counted the five toes. A wave of love came over him. Karl Schmidt hardly recognized himself. He was a different man. He finally allowed himself to realize that he loved his daughter.
Margrit squeezed her brother’s shoulder.
“Look at her,” Karl said, turning to Margrit. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
“She is very beautiful,” Margrit said smiling as a sigh of relief escaped her.
Gently, Karl touched the baby’s hand, and immediately, Gretchen responded by grabbing his finger. It was at that moment he knew he would love this little girl, and she would be his reason for living. He would love her with his whole heart, and he would raise her alone. Never would he remarry. Instead, he would do the best he could on his own. In his mind, he could hear Aidie saying, I am so glad you can see how much you do love her, Karl. You were a wonderful husband; I
know you will be a wonderful father too.
Karl knew from that moment on he would give Gretchen everything he had, including all his knowledge. As he looked at his daughter, he remembered the conversations he had with Aidie about all they planned to teach their child. Now he would fulfill those dreams alone. But he would fulfill them.
“How am I to manage once you go home?” Karl asked Margrit. “I will have to go back to work.”
“I’ll help you hire a nanny to watch the baby while you are at work. Don’t worry, Karl. It will be all right.”
He nodded, knowing that he was now ready to be a father. He decided then and there that Gretchen would learn right from wrong. She would grow up with a solid sense of ethics and a strong character. Gretchen would be a woman of substance. A woman to be admired.
And as she grew, Gretchen had proven to be all that her parents hoped she would be. She was a good-hearted girl, and even as a young child, Karl was proud to say that she showed the promise of having integrity.
But since Hitler had become chancellor, it was very hard on Karl to know that Gretchen was growing up in an angry and hostile world. Every day, he watched his beloved country descending into hell under the direction of a hatemonger. And now all the hatred had come home to him. He could no longer ignore it. It had found its way into his precious university.
He couldn’t stop thinking about the fact they were firing the Jewish professors. He knew several of his other colleagues would be happy when they heard the news. And they had their reasons. He could name a few he knew who were threatened by the intelligence of at least one of the Jewish professors. He had heard others spouting messages from Hitler’s speeches. It was easy to see they had fallen into a Jew-hating cesspool that was drowning the country. Some of them were good teachers and good people, but they were lost in the propaganda being fed to them daily.
Karl was not in agreement with any of the Nazi propaganda. He’d always been one to think for himself, and he wasn’t about to change now. He enjoyed working beside the quick-thinking Jews he had worked with over the years. He found their intellect challenging, and he thought they were an asset to the school. He firmly believed the firing of valuable professors was a mistake. But even though he thought the treatment of his Jewish colleagues was despicable, he was not one to speak up. He’d never been a man to call attention to himself. And not only that, he had to be extra careful because of Gretchen. He was all she had in the world, her only living parent. If he got into trouble, what would happen to her? And even worse, if he were to be labeled a Jew lover would the authorities take their dislike for him out on his daughter? Karl shivered at that thought. No, he decided; he would not say anything. This matter with the Jews did not concern him or Gretchen. It was sad, but it was not worth the possibility of punishment. He would keep his head down and keep his unpopular opinion to himself.
The Smallest Crack Page 15
