“Of course I do.” Hilde laughed. “I’ll get going. You have fun. And by the way, why don’t we have dinner together tomorrow night? Since you’re all alone here, I’ll come over. I’ll bring some food. If you don’t have any other plans?”
“No, I don’t have any other plans. Dinner with you tomorrow night sounds perfect. What time were you thinking?”
“Seven?”
“Perfect. I’ll see you then.”
Gretchen waited until she was sure that Hilde had gone, then she grabbed her handbag and ran out the door. Just to make sure no one was following, she glanced behind her. She raced the half mile to the warehouse where she was scheduled to meet Eli, arriving twenty minutes late.
“You’re late again,” Eli said. Gretchen detected a touch of annoyance in his voice. Then his shoulders slumped, and he looked into her eyes. His voice softened. “I’m sorry. That was rude. It’s just that, well . . .” He hesitated. “It’s just that I was afraid you weren’t coming and . . .”
“It’s all right. I understand. I’m sorry for being late” she said. “I had a visitor. I had to make up a plausible story about where I was going, or she would have wanted to join me.”
“What did you tell her?”
“A lie. I had to.”
“Lying is wrong,” he said more to himself than to her.
“Well, if you and I are going to keep meeting like this we'd better get used to it.”
“I don’t like the way that sounds at all.” He shook his head.
“Eli, sometimes you have to lie. It’s just a part of life.”
“I understand. We are both doing a lot of lying. I am lying to my wife by being here.”
“Yes, but if she knew it would hurt her feelings.”
“It would. Maybe I should stop coming.”
“That would hurt my feelings.”
“So?” He smiled, throwing his hands up in the air. Then his voice softened. “We have a dilemma.”
“Yes, we do.” She smiled, and she knew by the look on his face that he was no longer angry with her.
They met every Monday through the summer, and when they were together, they discussed everything. They had long talks about Jesus and about stories from the Talmud. Gretchen told Eli about her family, including Margrit and Gunther. Eli explained how his father had been a respected and revered rebbe. He also shared his secret fear that he would never be good enough to fill his father’s shoes. Gretchen asked Eli about his wife. “What is your wife like?”
“She’s kind. She’s good. But to be quite honest with you, I know you better than I know her. She’s very shy and reserved.”
“Don’t you two talk?”
“Not much.”
“But why?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to say to her. What to ask her.”
“Talk to her the way you talk to me,” Gretchen said.
“I can’t.”
There were several moments of silence.
“You’ve told me more than once that she’s very beautiful.”
“She is.”
“What does she look like?”
“Light blonde hair. Bright blue eyes. A very sweet smile.”
Gretchen folded her arms across her chest. “Do you love her?”
“I don’t know. Does it matter?”
“Of course, it matters. You’re married to her, aren’t you?”
“Yes, but love has nothing to do with marriage.”
“How do you figure? It has everything to do with marriage.”
“Not for me. Not for us.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s quite simple. For us, my people, marriage is about having and raising children. A good wife is a frum and faithful wife. She is a good mother. She knows how to keep kosher.”
“Kosher?”
“Yes, it’s the way we keep our homes, our food.”
Gretchen smiled at him. “I don’t think I will ever grow tired of listening to you. Every time we meet, I learn something new about you or about your strange and fascinating culture. You’re so different from anyone I know.”
By August they were both sharing the edge of the broken desk. He was careful not to sit too close to her. He did not allow his leg to accidentally touch hers.
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
Hilde and Gretchen had dinner together at least once a week, always at Gretchen’s house. Regardless of their meager salaries, somehow Hilde was always able to bring extra food. One evening, Hilde arrived with an apple cake and three eggs.
“What a lovely cake! Did you bake it?”
“I got it as a gift from Axel.”
“Who’s Axel?” Gretchen said, giving Hilde a sly smile.
“A boy I’ve been dating. He’s the reason I haven’t gone off to have a baby for the fatherland. I don’t want to be away from him.”
“You never told me you were dating anyone. How long have you been seeing each other?”
“About four months. He’s in the Wehrmacht. I wouldn’t exactly call him handsome, but he does have a promising future.”
“Well, I am truly happy for you.”
“He is going for special training. I think he hopes to be recruited for the SS.”
“SS?”
“Yes. He has mentioned that he would love to be a personal bodyguard to Hitler. And he could very well get the job because he has friends in high positions.”
“Oh my goodness.” Gretchen felt flushed and dizzy. She sat down quickly.
“I’m so proud to be seen with him. He looks so powerful in his uniform. Sometimes I just stare at him. Then I secretly wonder what a man like him would see in a girl like me.”
“Why would you say such a thing?” Gretchen asked, but she was finding it hard to concentrate. One of Hitler’s bodyguards? If Hilde only knew about Eli. Gretchen shivered.
“Are you all right?”
“Yes, I’m fine. Sorry, I got my period today, and I sometimes get hot and cold flashes,” Gretchen lied.
“Your whole body trembled,” Hilde said, her voice filled with genuine concern.
“That happens sometimes when I get my period.”
“Maybe you should see a doctor.”
“I’m all right. I promise.” Gretchen managed a smile.
“You look so pale.”
“Do I? Like I said, my periods are hard on me. I get cramping, and the pain makes me pale, I guess.”
“Well, please take care of yourself.”
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
October 1938
Rebecca could sense something different in Eli. Not because Eli said anything to alert her—he wasn’t that obvious. There were small changes in him that only Rebecca would detect: a look of contentment in his eyes, tenderness in his voice. Sometimes she would catch him looking at her, and there was sympathy in his gaze. He was often exceptionally kind and considerate of her feelings. Sometimes when he was getting dressed, she found him singing softly to himself. Lately, he always seemed to be in high spirits, regardless of what was going on. This was so unlike him that it made her wonder.
Eli had never been cruel to her; he’d just been uncaring. But now he made a special effort to be exceptionally kind. He would compliment her cooking and even carried his own plate to the sink one night. On a summer afternoon, he returned from the shul and surprised her with a gift of a pretty silk headscarf. She caught him smiling out the window in the middle of reading or studying. In fact, in the past several months he smiled far more than he ever had since she met him.
It was hard to imagine Eli having anything to do with another woman. He was so strict with himself that she found the idea hard to grasp. The very idea that Eli would break one of God’s Commandments was unfathomable. Yet, she couldn’t imagine what else could have made him so happy. She’d heard that Kabbalah could make a man happy, but Eli was not even close to forty years old, and he was forbidden to study Kabbalah until then.
It should have bothered her to think
of Eli with another woman, but it didn’t. It only made her wonder.
What is he like when he is with her? I doubt he would actually have intercourse with a woman who is not his wife. I can’t imagine him doing such a forbidden thing. Besides, he’s never really cared much for sex. But maybe he just feels that way about sex with me. Our sexual relations have always been stilted and obligatory. Every Friday night he makes an effort to do his duty and give me the child we both long for. Is it possible that my husband is a different man when he is with another woman? Or am I just imagining all this?
Rebecca was curious if Eli was up to something or if it was all in her imagination. She thought about following him when he went out, especially on Monday afternoons when he returned home very late from the shul. She could have done so easily. I could wait outside the shul behind the side of the building and follow him to see where he goes. He might not go anywhere at all. He might just stay late at the shul. However, what if he does go somewhere? What if he is seeing someone? How will that make me feel? Right now, I am not upset because I am not sure if I am imagining all this or not. Is it perhaps better not to know?
Rebecca loved the smell of autumn. She loved the colors in the blanket of fallen leaves that covered the ground. Sometimes, after she made sure her house was clean, she would sit outside under a tree and marvel at the beauty of Hashem’s creations. Since she was a child, she could see the beauty in all things. Her mother had been frightened of insects. She, on the other hand, was fascinated by their tiny bodies and multiple limbs. Even if she found a spider in the house, she refused to kill it. If a mouse got inside she would do her best to catch the rodent in a box and then put it out in the grass or under a tree. All things had a right to live. Because of her kindness, her papa had always called her his “gentle little soul.” And she supposed she was because she couldn’t find it in her heart to hurt anything at all. She could see the workings of Hashem in every living creature. The ants walking in a line carrying bits of food amused her. The spider spinning her web fascinated her. Sitting outside and watching the workings of Hashem’s creatures took away some of her loneliness: the birds overhead, the squirrels in the trees, the children playing. All these things eased the pain of her loneliness and filled her with hope that someday she and Eli would have a child. And once she had a child, it wouldn’t matter if Eli didn’t have time for her. She would devote her life to her baby.
CHAPTER SIXTY
Gretchen was waiting inside the abandoned building with a thick slice of pastry wrapped in a clean white cloth when Eli arrived.
“I brought you a slice of strudel,” she said.
“Oh, that’s so kind of you. But I can’t,” Eli said.
“No, please. It’s all right. I have plenty.”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what is it? Are you ill?”
“No, it’s just that, well, it’s not kosher.”
“You’re kidding me.” She shook her head. “With food being so scarce?”
“I’m sorry."
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
She put the cake, which was wrapped in a clean white towel, into her handbag. “I don’t know why it’s not kosher.”
“Does it matter? I can’t take it. I hate to offend you. I never mean to offend you.”
“We’re so different. I sometimes feel like we should stop meeting here. There is no point in it. Not only are we different, but you’re married. And me? I’m on the fast track to becoming an old maid. I suppose I should be out looking for a husband instead of meeting you here,” Gretchen said in an angry, raised voice.
Eli sighed, taking a deep breath. His beard had started to grow in thick, and he ran his fingers through it. “Yes. You’re right. It would be selfish of me to ask you to keep meeting me here.”
“We are nothing but friends, Eli. You won’t even touch my hand. You won’t even sit here beside me. You would rather stand than risk your knee brushing against mine.”
He shrugged.
“Tell me that meeting me here is important to you. Tell me that you have developed feelings for me. Tell me, Eli. Tell me or go, and I’ll try to get on with my life. Right now, you are the main focus of everything I do. And what’s so ridiculous about it is that there is really nothing between us.” She got up and wrapped her arms around her chest. Then she walked to the broken window and gazed out at the unkempt, sunburned grass.
Several long, uncomfortable moments passed. A hawk outside the window let out a piercing cry. Gretchen shivered in spite of the perfect weather. She smiled wryly to herself. It’s usually too hot or too cold in here. Today the temperature is perfect. Then in a very small voice, Eli said, “Hashem forgive me, but I do care for you.”
She whipped around to look at him. He was sitting down on the edge of the broken desk. “You do?”
“Yes.” He nodded, his head down, his hands on his temples, and his eyes glued to the ground.
She didn’t say another word. She walked over to him and raised his head with her hand. At first, he flinched. Their eyes met, and he felt the longing to sin wash over him. Leaning down, she placed her lips on his. Eli knew he should draw away from her; it was the right thing to do, but he couldn’t. His heart ached with desire, and his whole body trembled. He stood up, and he put her arms around him. For a few moments, he didn’t move. His arms lay at his side. Then he looked into her eyes. “I do care,” he said. “More than you know, I care.” Eli reached up and embraced Gretchen. The old passion that ran like a current between them reignited despite their intentions to be just friends. A sigh escaped her lips as she kissed him again. This time, he held her tightly and returned her kiss with a passion he knew would haunt him for the rest of his days.
CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE
Eli was shaken by his inability to control himself. He walked home quickly, feeling ashamed, fearing that God would punish him for what he’d done. How could he face Rebecca? Would she not see the lie in his eyes, the sin on his face? He stopped walking and sat down on a tree stump. His heart was heavy with guilt. He’d kissed a woman who was not his wife. Not only did he kiss her, but he felt a stirring in his loins he never felt before. For Gretchen’s sake, for Rebecca’s too, I must not return to the warehouse next week. I must never return. I have nothing to offer poor Gretchen. I am a married man, and I owe it to my wife to be faithful. My father would be so ashamed of the man I have become. So ashamed. I wish I could pray, but I am too ashamed of what I’ve done to ask God for forgiveness. How could I? I should never have agreed to meet with Gretchen all these past months. Even though we did nothing but talk, I have been lying to myself. I’ve always known that feelings were developing between us. And today was the culmination of those feelings . . . today we sinned.
The following Monday, Eli walked slowly home after the shul. His thoughts were on Gretchen. He knew she would be waiting at the warehouse. He could see her sitting on the broken desk looking down at her well-worn, low-heeled, brown shoes and gripping her matching handbag. The vision was so clear that it made him want to cry. Gretchen would feel hurt and abandoned when he didn’t come today. And hurting Gretchen was the last thing Eli ever wanted to do. Every nerve in his body was trembling with self-doubt. I want to go to the warehouse. It’s not too late. She’ll still be there. Hurry and get there before she starts crying. The thought of Gretchen crying tore at his heart, especially because he knew he was the reason for her unhappiness. Isn’t it better if I just leave her alone? What happens if I can’t stop myself, and we dare to go further than a kiss? What then? What if she became pregnant? The laws of our country forbid it. The laws of my religion forbid it too. I have a wife whose feelings I must also consider. And I would cause poor Gretchen trouble and pain. I must be strong; I must stay away from her.
Eli stood up. His shoulders ached as if he were carrying a weight on them. He sighed and shook his head. Life was confusing. Why couldn’t he feel about Rebecca the way he felt
about Gretchen? He had no answers, so he picked up his books and walked home. Eli opened the door to his apartment to find Rebecca cutting potatoes for latkes. Two apples with a dash of cinnamon were simmering in a small amount of water on the stove. The aroma of freshly made applesauce filled the small flat.
“Can I get you anything?” Rebecca asked him as soon as he took his coat off.
“No, thank you.” He began walking toward the back of the apartment to hide in his study.
“Dinner will be ready soon. Are you hungry?” Rebecca called out to him.
“Yes. Very hungry,” he said, trying to sound believable but feeling as if he’d just lost everything that mattered to him in the world.
“Are you all right, Eli?” Rebecca’s voice was gentle and full of concern. “Are you ill?”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m just distracted. I have to prepare a lesson for my students for tomorrow.”
“Are you sure you’re all right?”
“Yes, of course,” he said, trying to lift his voice so it sounded credible. “And it smells wonderful in here, like an apple orchard.”
“One of the elderly women from the shul, who is bedridden, gave me some apples today. For the last six months or so, I have been dropping by her house every couple of days to check on her. Anyway, last week her son came by to visit her and brought apples from his orchard.”
“Oh, very nice,” Eli said, trying to sound interested. “He lives on an apple orchard, but his mother lives in Berlin?”
“Yes, his wife’s family owns the orchard. When her father passed away, he moved there to help take care of the farming.”
“So, you must know these people very well?”
“I suppose. Yes. I do. I’ve gotten to know them over the past year.”
“There’s so much I don’t know about you,” he said sighing. Then he added, “Well, let me know when dinner is ready. I have some work to do.” Eli walked into his study and closed the door. Once he was alone, he sat down at his desk, dropped his head in his hands, and wept. Then, even though he was ashamed before God because he had sinned, he begged God for forgiveness.
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