by Glen Cook
Very creative. Try it and I will hang you by your bootlaces from the rooftree. That bird is far too valuable even to joke about.
“Valuable? You can’t even eat those damned things unless you’re so hungry you already ate up all the snakes and buzzards and crows.”
I mean valuable as a communications tool.
“Not to me.”
Silence!
“I was only going to —”
We are about to have company. Strangers. Receive them in your office. They do not need to be made aware of my existence.
Dean beat me to the front door but got a silent warning from the Dead Man. He peeped through the peephole, backed off frowning.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t like the looks of those two.” He retreated to the Dead Man’s room. The Goddamn Parrot flapped into the hall when he opened the door. It landed on my shoulder. “Argh!” I started to swat him. Dean came out of the Dead Man’s room, lugging the chairs back to my office.
Easy on the bird, Garrett. Dean, when you finish, shut the door to this room. Do not open it again while those people are in this house.
“Put a kettle on, too. For hospitality’s sake.”
Dean gave me the look that asked what I thought he should do in his spare time.
The pounding resumed. It had started polite. Now it seemed impatient. I used the peephole myself. “Do I really need to talk to these guys?” The two men on the stoop looked just like the guy Dean wanted me to be when I grew up.
It might be of value. Or instructive.
“To who?”
That would be whom, Garrett.
“I’m beginning to get it already,” I grumbled, starting in on Dean’s battery of latches. He was done moving furniture.
The Dead Man would stir the sludge inside their pretty gourds, ever so discreetly, while I sat through some kind of sales pitch.
Those two were selling something. They were so squeaky-clean and well groomed that I feared their scam would be religion. I’d have trouble staying polite if they were godshouters. I’ve suffered an overdose of religion lately.
I changed my mind as soon as the door opened, before anybody cracked a word. The erect postures and humorless mouths said they were selling a true belief that had nothing to do with pie in the sky by and by.
Both were five feet six and unreasonably handsome. One had blond hair and blue eyes. I wish I could report that the other had blue hair and blond eyes but he didn’t. He was a pretty hunk of brown hair and blue eyes. Neither had visible scars or tattoos.
Clerks, instinct told me.
“Mr. Garrett?” the blond asked. He had perfect teeth. How often do you see good teeth? Never. Even Tinnie has an incisor that laps its neighbor.
“Guilty. Maybe. Depends on what you want.”
Nobody smiled. The brunette said, “A friend gave us your name. Said you would be a good man to see. Said as you were a bona fide war hero.”
“I could throw bricks with my eyes closed and hit a bona fide war hero eight tries out of ten. Anybody who made it home is a hero. Which Free Company are you guys with?” They wore clothing as though they were headed for the parade ground. Like appearance wasn’t just part of being a soldier, it was the whole thing.
Clerks.
Do not antagonize them simply for the sake of deflating their pomposity, Garrett.
I need a new partner. This one knows me too well.
They seemed surprised. “How did you?...”
“I’m a trained detective.” Self-educated. From a very short syllabus.
“It’s obvious?” The brunette almost whined. These would be guys whose self-image included no whinery but who would whine a lot and call it something else. In their own minds they were big hairy-assed he-men.
Clerks.
“When you’re headed wherever you go when you leave, compare yourselves to everybody else. To human male people, anyway.” That might have the unfortunate side effect of encouraging their feelings of superiority, but they might see what I meant. “You can’t be a secret agent if you’re wearing a sign.”
They exchanged baffled looks. They were lost. Pretty but not bright. The blond asked, “May we come in?”
“By all means.” I stepped aside. “We can talk in my office. Second door to your left.”
Be hospitable, Garrett.
“Either one of you guys want a parrot?”
Garrett!
Both men had wrinkled their noses when first they saw me and my bird. Everybody was a clothes critic nowadays. Why? I was decent. I was even clean. These guys looked around like they expected the place to be a dump. They seemed pleasantly disappointed that it wasn’t.
Dean does good work.
We trooped into the closet I call an office. I told them, “My man Dean will bring tea in a minute.”
They eyed me uncertainly. How could I know?
My office is less ordered than the hallway. I don’t let Dean loose in there. And behind my desk hangs a painting that Dean hates.
At first you just see a pretty woman running from a brooding darkness. But as you stare at the painting more and more of that darkness reaches out to you. The artist who created it had been possessed by a talent so fierce that it amounted to sorcery. It drove him mad. He put everything into this painting, including his insanity. It was personal. At one time it told a whole story and indicted a villain. It doesn’t have a tenth its original charge now but still retains an immense impact. It exudes terror.
“That’s Eleanor,” I said. “She died before I was born but she helped me crack a case.” She did a lot more.
The portrait once belonged to the man who murdered Eleanor. He’s dead now, too. He doesn’t need the painting anymore. I do. Eleanor makes a better sounding board than Dean, the Dead Man, or the Goddamn Parrot. She’s seldom judgmental and she never gives me any lip.
Blondie said, “We understand you’re often involved in unusual affairs.”
“I’m a lightning rod for weird stuff. Thanks, Dean.” The big tray carried the right number of cups, cookies and muffins, and a steaming pot of tea. The boys exchanged glances, nervous under Eleanor’s piercing gaze and Dean’s stern disapproval.
Dean left. I poured and asked, “What can I do for you guys? Really.”
They exchanged glances again.
“Look, boys, I’m working hard here.” The Goddamn Parrot squawked in my ear. “If you just need a place to get in out of the rain I recommend Mrs. Cardonlos’ rooming house up the street. On the other...”
“Awk! Queen bitch! Queen bitch!”
“It’s not raining.” Literal-minded clerks.
“Stow it, bird,” I growled at the Goddamn Parrot.
My visitors exchanged looks again.
This could go on all day.
7
The blond said, “I apologize, Mr. Garrett. We were cautioned that we might find you unconventional and should try to become comfortable with that before proceeding.”
“Puny penis!” the parrot squawked.
I snarled, “You’re going into the sack again, you animated feather duster.”
The brunette smiled insincerely. “Is that ventriloquism? When I was little I had an uncle who could —”
“Why does everybody ask that? No. This devil-spawn of a seven-color jungle pigeon does it all on his own. He’s got a vocabulary bigger than yours or mine and every word is foul. Fowl. Maybe there was sorcery done him sometime. I don’t know. He was a gift. I can’t seem to get rid of him.”
“Pencil dick.”
Now nobody was smiling. Again I thought about choking the Dead Man, only what good would that do? Strengthen my grip?
The blond said, “My name is Carter Stockwell.”
So we were going to do business after all. “I’m not surprised. And you?”
“Trace Wendover.”
“Of course. Hello, Carter and Trace. Sure you don’t want a talking parrot? Cheap? Make a great holiday gift for the kids.”
/>
Garrett, once again I must caution you against antagonizing these men.
“No? All right. I made my sales pitch. Your loss. You guys make yours. Or go away.”
“We were told you might be ill-mannered.” That was the darker one. Trace.
Carter said, “Our mission is to interest you in contributing to our cause.”
“Right now I’ve got about six copper sceats to clink together. The only cause I’m going to contribute to is the Garrett household supper fund.”
“We don’t want money. Please. Give us a chance to talk.”
“You’ve been here ten minutes. You haven’t said anything yet.”
“You’re right. We are Free Company men. Black Dragon Valsung.” Carter watched for my reaction.
“What’s that?” I asked.
Trace countered, “You don’t know the Dragons?”
“Sorry.” Heeding the Dead Man’s advice I forebore remarks that might betray my feelings about those quasi-military gangs called Free Companies. There are so many of them that not having heard of a particular one was no big deal.
“Our leader is Colonel Valsung. Norton Valsung.” I got intent looks from both pretty boys.
I shrugged. “Doesn’t ring a bell, guys. He must have been army.”
Carter began to puff up. He’d caught the slight. Trace, though, was made of sterner stuff. “Yes, Mr. Garrett. Colonel Valsung was army. He commanded the Black Dragon Brigade.” Trace tossed him a warning look but he continued, “You would be impressed if you were to review his record.”
No doubt. War does tend to expose men for what they really are. “Wouldn’t be a relative, would he?”
“My uncle.”
“The ventriloquist? I recall several colonels who were masters at putting words into other people’s mouths.”
“No, Mr. Garrett. Not that uncle.”
“We’re getting somewhere now. We have a colonel who isn’t a ventriloquist. What does your uncle the nonventriloquist want with me?”
“Your peculiar combination of talents and expertise, both from your service and your career since.”
I didn’t get it. “You need a Force Recon guy with experience ducking vampires and sorcerers and tracking wayward wives to help you beat up old dwarves and crippled ratmen?”
Garrett!
Both of my visitors turned red. But Carter was out in front because he’d gotten a head start. Trace said, “Mr. Garrett, we do not roam the streets assaulting people. We are a veterans’ mutual assistance brotherhood, not a street gang.”
“The other day a veteran, who’d done five five-year hitches, three in the Cantard, was almost beaten to death right outside. He’d won eight decorations, including the Imperial Star with Swords and Oak Leaves. In one battle he lost half of his left arm and most of that side of his face in a blast from a witch ward. He’s in the Bledsoe now. He probably won’t get out alive. Those butchers won’t pay any attention to him. He doesn’t have any money. Go down there and mutually assist him. His name is Brate Trueblood.”
“But the Bledsoe is a charity hospital, isn’t it?”
“You didn’t grow up in TunFaire, did you? In this town charity is available only to those who can pay for it.”
“No. That’s ugly.” Trace seemed genuinely touched. Carter obviously didn’t care but was cooling down. “That’s exactly why we have to band together.”
“But there’s a problem, Trace. Brate was a real hero and as good a soldier as ever soldiered. Unfortunately, he made one really huge, stupid mistake.”
My visitors looked at me expectantly.
Garrett, please! Stop now. The Dead Man seemed almost to despair.
“He was so stupid he picked an ogre for one of his grandparents.”
It took them a while to catch on. I watched their eyes narrow and go shifty as they figured it out. Carter was slowest but he was the first to stand up. He told me, “You have the wrong idea.” And, “Trace, we’re wasting our time here.”
“You’re not wasting your time, Carter,” I said. “I just want you to understand that nothing is black-and-white.” I tried to hold Trace’s eye. He seemed to be mulling my parable. “What did you guys do down there? You were clerks, right? Your uncle got you some safe assignment, right? Trace? Carter? You had an angel, too? So who do you suppose did more to defend and preserve the Karentine Crown? You guys or my ugly quadroon?”
Carter said, “You really don’t know what’s happening, do you?” And that actually seemed to please him.
I left my chair, moved to the office doorway. “You aren’t wasting your time, guys. I’m right behind you. I just need to know how to reconcile the Brate Truebloods.”
Trace started to say something. Carter squeezed his arm.
In moments those earnest young men were back in the street. Carter, I was convinced, would ignore my story, which was true only in a moral sense anyway. There really is a Brate Trueblood but he was just a small hero and the thugs who jumped him didn’t put him in the hospital. Ogre blood made him hard to hurt. But these two creeps did want Brate in the Bledsoe. Or worse.
I might have done the devil’s work with Trace, though. He looked like a young man who might, on occasion, actually have a thought.
I whistled as I bolted the door, blissful in my ignorance.
8
That was not one of your more salubrious performances, Garrett. That flake of moral hubris may come back to haunt you.
“Come on! They’re jerks. Especially the blond one.”
Their minds did not reflect the prejudice you expect. But such jerks are quite common today. They are aggrieved. They need targets for their frustration. Those two seemed to be fundamentally good men... Yet —
“Yet? What?”
They had no depth. Even a mind as dim as Saucerhead Thorpe’s has its deeps.
“No kidding? They’re a couple of pretty boys who never worked a day —”
Not shallow, Garrett. Not that way. Just all surface. Inside. Humans are filled with turmoil. Continuous dark currents collide and roil down deep where you do not see them and do not know them. Always. Even in Mr. Thorpe or Miss Winger. But those two had nothing beneath the fanatic surface. And that fanaticism was not as narrow and blind as is common. They grasped your Trueblood parable. They seemed unable to deal with it only because doing so would not have been in character.
Well, he’d lost me. Except for the part about being all surface. “That don’t surprise me. I know those guys. I’ve seen a lot of them. They just give up everything and let somebody else do their thinking. Life is easier that way.”
Perhaps. But I have a strong intuition that we would have been better served had you held them here whilst I milked them rather than driving them away.
“Milked them? I didn’t hear a moo from either one.”
Intentional obtuseness seldom finds a complimentary acute observation. You should have probed them for information. You should have held them while I wormed in under their surfaces. He refused to let me exasperate him more than I had already. Their particular Free Company may finance itself by extorting funds in the name of The Call. But we are in no position to winkle that out now. Are we?
I hate it when he’s right. And he was right. I let my emotions take over. I hadn’t thought of those two in relation to the Weider problem. Yet they could have had that in mind. One of their cronies might have noticed the girls coming to my place.
Your problem far too often, Garrett.
“Huh?”
You do not think. You emote. You act on that emotion in preference to reason. However, there was nothing in their minds to tie them in to the Weider matter. Which, of course, is no guarantee that those who sent them are equally innocent.
“Aha! They knew about you.”
Those two did not. They knew nothing about you, either, except what they had been told. I believe you muffed this one, Garrett.
I don’t know about that. They probably wanted me to work. But I sighed. He real
ly was right. And I definitely hate that. I hear about it forever. “I think I’ll just go over to the brewery and —”
Yes. You should do that. But not right away. Go later. After the night crew comes in. They will be the younger men who have the Cantard more freshly in mind. If there are human rights activists there, they are most likely to be found among the younger workers.
What could I say? When he’s right he’s right. And he has been right a little too often lately. “All right. What’re you going to suggest instead?” There would be something.
See Captain Block. Ask him about The Call. Let fall some gentle intimation of the threat to Mr. Weider.
Captain Westman Block runs the Guard, TunFaire’s half-ass police force. The Guard is lame but more effective than the predecessor from which it evolved, the Watch, which existed primarily to absorb bribes to stay out of the way. The Watch still exists but only as a fire brigade.
The reason the Guard works is a little guy who is part dwarf, a touch of several other things, and maybe an eighth human. His name is Relway. He’s the ugliest man I’ve ever met. He’s obsessed with law and order. His conversations all revolve around his New Order, by which he means the absolute rule of law. When I met him, on a rainy night not that long ago, he was a volunteer “auxiliary” helping Block’s tiny serious-crimes section of the Watch. I said something unpleasant to Relway that night. He assured me that I ought to be less unpleasant because he was going to be an important fellow before long.
His powers of prophecy were excellent.
Prince Rupert created the Guard and installed Westman Block as its chief. Then Block sanctioned Relway. And Relway immediately put together a powerful and nasty secret police force consisting of people who thought his way. Offenders have been known to just vanish once they attract the notice of Relway’s section.
Probably no more than a thousand people know the section exists. He doesn’t blow his own horn. And I’d bet there aren’t more than a dozen people who can identify Relway by sight.
I’m one of them. Sometimes that makes me nervous.
