by Amie Knight
Slow. I was doing slow and it fucking sucked. It had only been a few days and I was already fucking fed up with the word. I wanted to hold Mae. Spend every waking moment with her. I wanted to give her the world, and I couldn’t do that when we were taking it slow. And God, I wanted to lie with her at night, our bodies wrapped together, but according to Mae that wasn’t taking it slow.
So we walked, sometimes went out to dinner in the evenings, or watched a movie. It was torture her sitting so close to me in the dark, so I’d kiss her lightly, convinced that I’d be happy with just a small taste, but eventually my kisses turned savage. I’d slip my tongue deep into her mouth and she’d moan, only to push me away moments later and go back to watching the movie.
She was trying to fucking kill me with slow.
Like right now. Right now was definitely killing me.
“It’s your turn, Holden.” Will rolled his eyes and passed me the old Nintendo controller. Mae was making us dinner, and I was currently entertaining the kid. I looked at my phone. Only three more hours until his mom got home. I could do this. I could play nice until then. Will was making it hard, though. Every time Mae slipped out of the room, he made a smart remark. Like right now.
“Dude, you suck at video games. Miranda is better than you and she’s a girl.”
I was currently trying to defeat Bowser and save Princess Peach, but he was right. I did suck, but I’d spent the last fifteen years fighting for my country, not honing my video game skills, so I ignored him and kept playing.
He leaned closer to me and whispered, “Watch your back.”
I paused the game and looked over at him. “Why do I need to watch my back?” Oh, I had to hear this.
He looked back toward the kitchen, making sure Mae was still out of earshot. “Because I’m not giving up. I meant what I said. She’s mine.”
I huffed out a laugh. It was almost cute how fixated he was on Mae. My Mae. That’s why it was almost cute.
I slouched back on the couch, the video game long forgotten. I loved getting the little guy riled up. It entertained me in a way I couldn’t explain. It made me laugh when he got his hackles raised and talked about Mae like she was actually his and not mine. Because she was. Mae was mine.
She’d been mine since she practically chased me down in the street to tell me off. I hadn’t thought of anyone else since that day.
I smirked over at Will. “You know that’s funny since I’m pretty sure last night she was cuddled on this very couch watching a movie with me. Not you,” I deadpanned, picking a bit of lint off my shirt for show. I knew that would piss him off.
But when I looked up at him he was only smiling.
“You think you’re so smart, Holden. You can have her for now, but one day when I’m bigger than you”—he looked at me, lip curled before continuing— “and way cooler than you, she will be all mine. Because I have something you don’t.”
Oh, do tell. I rolled my eyes. “Well, give it to me, little guy. What do you have that I don’t?”
He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back, smirking. “The list.”
My forehead furrowed in confusion. “What list?”
He rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Jesus, you’re a freaking idiot.”
I just stared at him.
“The list, Holden. Her ‘The One’ List,” he said slowly like I was too dumb to comprehend and maybe I was because it took me a moment to catch on.
The list. It hit me. He had the list of everything she wanted in a man. Her guy. Her hero. I stared at him confounded. How did he even know this list existed and where the hell did he find it?
I looked around the room at all the papers everywhere and wondered how in the hell I would ever find it if I looked.
I could use that list. I could maybe move Mae along a little faster if I had it. I maybe wouldn’t have to do slow for such a long time if that list were in my possession.
I sat up on the couch ready to do business with a goddamn eight-year-old little boy who wanted to steal my girl. My life was fucking crazy.
He smiled at me like he had me and he did. I was fucked.
I grinned back at him like we were old friends instead of mortal enemies. “Where did you find the list, Will?”
He scoffed. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“I would. That’s why I’m asking so nicely,” I said through gritted teeth.
He pushed his lips out. “You don’t look very nice to me. You look pissed.” He laughed. “Besides, I found the list months ago. I couldn’t even tell you where it is now. She moves shit around too much.”
“So you don’t have it?” I asked, confused as hell.
“Oh, no, I have it. I took a picture of it.” He beamed at me, obviously proud of how smart he was. “I’m going to use that list when I’m big one day, Holden, and you know what that means? You’ll be out and I’ll be in.”
The little shit.
I shook my head at his nonsense. “What did you take the picture with?”
His eyes rolled toward the ceiling. “What do you take me for? I may be a kid, but I’m not stupid.”
No, he wasn’t stupid, but he also wasn’t that smart because as he talked a whole bunch of mess about how he was never going to tell me where the list was, I watched his eyes dart over to the coffee table between us and the TV. There sat his iPad.
He saw my eyes register the device and immediately dove for it just as I did. We knocked the table on its side as we rolled on the floor. Will shoved the iPad under his body and laid on top of it. I crawled over on top of him, trying to pry it from his small hands.
“Boys! What in the ever loving son of a monkey is going on in here?”
And we both froze at the sound of Mae’s angry voice.
I peeked up at her standing over us. I wondered how long she’d been standing there. I’d say probably a while by the hands on her hips, by the look on her face.
“You do realize you’re an adult, right?” she asked me blankly.
I nodded and got to my feet slowly, grimacing, my leg paining me a bit. It served me right wrestling with a little boy.
She gave me the eye. You know? The eye women give to men who’ve pissed them off.
“Serves you right,” she muttered, helping up Will.
“You okay, baby?” She fussed over him, pulling him up off the floor and dusting him off, and I had to bite my tongue so I didn’t say anything else to get me in more trouble.
She sat Will on the couch and then looked between the two of us.
Her head shook from side to side as she regarded us. “I cooked for you two, and I hate cooking. And this is how you act? Can I trust y’all for ten minutes while I finish dinner or will we have another episode of WWF in here if I leave?”
Will smiled sweetly as Mae. “We were just playing around, Miranda. We’ll be on our best behavior. I promise.”
She huffed and left the room and Will stroked the iPad in his lap, looking like the evil mastermind he was.
I did the only thing I could do.
“I’ll give you a hundred dollars for the list.”
He thought about it for all of two seconds. “Three hundred.”
He drove a steep bargain, but what choice did I have? I needed the list.
“Done.”
He laid the iPad in my lap and went back to playing the game.
I opened and started scrolling through the photos until I found the list in Mae’s hardly legible writing.
I snapped a pic with my phone and asked, “Aren’t you worried now that I have the list?”
He looked over at me a second before turning his eyes back to the screen. “Not even a little. I still have the list, too.” He let go of the controller to push his hair off his forehead and smile at me. “Besides, I’m way better looking.”
I laughed and he did, too, and I thought in some kind of weird way we were becoming friends. Or something close to it.
I looked at the picture of the list on
my phone.
Some of the list was me to a T. I was dark-haired with dark eyes. I’d taken her dancing. It was against my will and hadn’t really turned out that well, but I was definitely some of the list. She wanted to be called sweetheart. I called her Mae. That was kinda the same thing. I’d make an effort to try sweetheart sometime, though. I admit, I was a little cocky, but I could work on that. I always held the door for her. Didn’t I? My momma trained me right. If she let me, I’d lock down the house for her every night before putting her to bed. In fact, I really wanted to put her to bed. She wanted to go fishing? I’d take her fishing. The list was long and overwhelming, but I’d try to make it happen for her. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to change her life like she was always trying to change mine. For the better. Although I didn’t know how Mae could get any better than she already was. Me? I needed a lot of work still, but my Mae, she was perfect.
Things That Gross Me Out
Fish
Worms
Dirty Lake Water
Holden was weird. Not on a regular day. But lately, he’d been suspiciously odd. Like never ever letting me open a door for myself. Not that I minded, but him running around the truck to pull a door open when I was already out of the truck was kind of ridiculous. Or giving me extra cuddles. I didn’t need a hug before I left the room to go pee. I liked to cuddle like the next girl, but the cuddling situation was getting out of control. He kept asking me if I wanted him to lock up the house for me, but I didn’t need for him to do that. I could lock my own door, thanks, crazytown. So, yeah, he was being weird and it was really starting to freak me out. He was being too nice, too cordial. Behaving less like the caveman I loved and more like a gentleman. It was boring. It wasn’t at all us. Yeah, something was definitely off. And I didn’t really like it. I liked my quietly brooding, moody Holden. Where was his fiery temper? Why weren’t him and Will arguing and fighting and bickering about who was going to marry me when I wasn’t looking?
“What are you thinking about over there?”
I looked across the cab of the truck to Holden, who was driving us to God knows where. He told me it was a surprise. I did surprises, not Holden. See? Weird.
“Thinking about how off you’ve been lately. Is it because I said I wanted us to go slow?” It made me sad to think I’d somehow changed Holden by wanting us to take things slow. What made it worse was that I didn’t necessarily want to do slow; I just thought Holden needed it. He was just getting his footing in this civilian life. I now knew without a shadow of a doubt that he’d had a PTSD episode at the bar a couple of weeks ago. I’d read up on it. I’d endured article after article that made my heart ache and my eyes burn for our veterans. For my Holden. He needed slow right now, even if I didn’t. I’d always give him what he needed.
He glanced at me from the driver’s seat before looking back at the road. That look said it all. Guilty as sin.
I peered out the passenger window, trying not to get upset. I didn’t want him to change. I wanted Holden to figure out what was going on with himself. To make sure he was taking care of himself. I wanted him to get used to this new life he was leading without using me as a distraction. He needed to get his footing without me interfering.
“When I said I wanted slow it didn’t mean I wanted you to be different. I like you just the way you are. Scowl and all,” I said to the window, embarrassed at how plainly I was telling him I liked him. I wanted to tell him more. That I loved him, but I didn’t think he was ready for that.
“Mae,” Holden said quietly and I looked over at him, biting my thumbnail.
“I’m not off because you said you wanted to go slow. I just want to be better for you. I want to be the man you deserve.”
Oh, this good man. I unhooked my seat belt and scooted across the bench seat and grabbed his hand. “Then just be you. Only you. Always.” I laid my head on his shoulder.
He squeezed my hand back and let out a big breath. Moments later we pulled up to a public access pier for Lake Murray, a local lake right outside of Columbia. I looked around, wondering what in ever loving heck we were doing there. I hadn’t been to that lake since my grammy had taken me as a child. I had such fond memories of her and me sitting on the dock that was laid out in front of Holden and me, her arm around me, helping me hold my fishing pole the right way, a bag of gummies and two cans of soda next to us.
I took my eyes off the dock long enough to give Holden a questioning look. “What are we doing here?”
His dimple came out to play. “I thought maybe I’d take you fishing today.”
I stared at him, shocked. “You did? But why?”
He looked taken aback, and I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t grateful, but I hadn’t thought of going fishing in years.
I squeezed his hand. “I mean, it sounds fun. I’m just shocked. I didn’t know you liked to fish.”
“I haven’t been in a long time, but I think it’ll be fun.”
See? Weird as hell.
He got out of his side of the truck and went around the back to pull out some poles and a cooler. I watched, wondering exactly what in the heck was going on.
Eventually I got out of the truck and helped Holden with the poles. We walked to the edge of the dock, and I looked around. It was evening and the sun was going to set any moment. It was going to be a gorgeous fall night at the lake. Maybe Holden wasn’t so crazy after all.
I sat on the edge of the dock and Holden placed the cooler between us and sat, too. He opened the lid and handed me a little container. I pried the lid off, thinking it was something good like gummy bears or some kind of candy. All my hopes were dashed the second I opened it. Worms. Real, wiggly worms.
I grimaced as I took one from the container and put it on my hook. Poor little worm. I remembered fishing fondly, but I’d forgotten about this part or maybe it was just that I’d changed and didn’t quite enjoy the gross aspects of it anymore.
Holden watched me with a barely there smile and I leaned back, bringing my pole back, too, before swinging it forward and letting it fly.
It plopped into the water and I watched Holden cast his line not too far from mine. We sat there silently for what felt like forever. I watched him, thinking he didn’t look like he was having all that much fun. Why the heck were we here?
I decided to strike up some conversation because I couldn’t help but fill the silence. I kicked my foot out and tapped it against his, getting his attention.
“How’s physical therapy been going?”
“It’s going the same. It sucks. My leg hurts more than it doesn’t, but I think that’s pretty normal.” He shrugged.
“Hmm.” I nodded my head. “What do you think you’ll do now that you’re not in the military?”
He took his gaze off the lake long enough to ask, “Do?”
“You know? For a career?”
He shrugged, looking a little forlorn. “I don’t know. I always thought I’d be career military. I didn’t think I’d retire this young. Luckily, I have enough money saved up to live off it for a good long while, and I get disability from the military.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell Holden that he could do anything he wanted now. That life was his oyster for the taking, only I finally felt a small tug on my pole that sent me to my feet in excitement.
“It’s happening, big guy! I got a fish,” I squeaked out, excited and terrified at the prospect of pulling a slimy, smelly fish from the water.
Holden stood up, too, and came to stand beside me. “Reel her in slowly.” He pulled a little on my pole, helping me and smiling. “Feels like a big one.”
Oh, God, I hoped it wasn’t a big one. I didn’t even want a small one, now that I had one.
The more I reeled, the more terrified I became. I couldn’t handle a worm, much less a fish. Oh, God, let it be a boot. Or a branch. Anything but a fish. I was so screwed.
The fish slowly revealed itself and while it wasn’t the biggest fish I’d ever seen, it most def
initely wasn’t the smallest, and I shrieked at the sight of it, backing away from the edge of the pier.
It was big and ugly with huge googly eyes. Had I ever liked fishing? I thought I did, but right now I couldn’t remember. I moved farther back on the pier, but the fish just kept following me because it was attached to my pole.
“Keep reeling and stand still,” Holden said, trying to rein in my crazy, but I couldn’t reel anymore. I didn’t want this fish. I wanted it to go live in the lake with its googly-eyed family and I wanted to forget about it.
Holden approached me carefully, hand out, ready to take my pole, but I was too immersed in my insanity to notice. I backed away from him, shrieking and wildly swinging my gross fish enemy.
“Get it, get it!” I yelled at Holden, whom I’d run around a few times at this point.
“Whoa there, Mae, stand still. I’m tangled up in your line!”
But it was too late. I didn’t realize. I wasn’t paying attention to how close we were to the side of the dock. In my panic to get away from the fish, I didn’t realize how close to Holden I was. I jerked back, accidentally nudging Holden just a bit and all of a sudden he was over the side and into the water with a big splash, my pole snatched from my hand, so it and my fish followed behind him.
“Holden,” I shouted, running to the edge of the dock and looking into the water below, terrified. It was too dark. I’d never find him!
Would he be able to swim well in his prosthesis? I was about to jump in after him when his head bobbed to the surface of the water and his hand grabbed the wood of the dock. He shook some water from his head and glared up at me and I couldn’t help it. It was on the tip of my tongue to apologize but instead, a small giggle broke free.
What in the heck had just happened? How did everything go wrong so quickly? I’d freaked out over a fish and sent Holden into the water in a matter of seconds.
“Oh my God,” I breathed out, covering my mouth and giggling again.
He glowered up at me. “You are not laughing right now.”
I shook my head. “No. I promise I’m not laughing,” I lied in between fits of laughter, trying to cover my smile unsuccessfully.
