by Anna Pulley
assimilation!
The sporty lesbian
“Is that Old Spice that
you’re wearing, or … is that Old
Spice that you’re wearing?”
The practical, cheap-cardigan-owning lesbian
“You unravel me
like H&M shirts after
two months’ worth of wear.”
The DIY lesbian
“My life has vastly
improved since I started to
roll my own tampons.”
The lesbro
Wear Livestrong bracelet
and converse solely using
well-known Fight Club quotes.
The straight-looking lesbian
Say literally
anything—she’s thrilled someone
is talking to her.
The LHB (long-haired butch)
Chat her up about
Willie Nelson and/or John
Stamos in Full House.
The too-cool-for-this-bar lesbian
Engage her in a
contest to see who can roll
her eyes the hardest.
The deluded yet hopeful lesbian pursuing only straight girls
“Sexuality
is a spectrum! Let’s defy
taboos with our tongues.”
Your ex-girlfriend
“Snuffles and Meow-Meow
sure do miss you. Why don’t you
come say hi to them?”
Your ex-girlfriend (post second breakup)
Ask her what “closure”
means to her. Then clear schedule
for at least one month.
The grad student who maybe friend-zoned you but you’re not sure
“I love all the bell
hooks you’ve been posting on your
LiveJournal account.”
The Starbucks barista whom you can’t bring yourself to make eye contact with, let alone talk to
“I really like you
despite the fact that you serve
liquid oppression.”
The lesbian who’s trying to pretend she doesn’t enjoy pop music but is dancing ecstatically
“I’ve never seen a
girl dance to Taylor Swift so
ironically!”
The baby dyke
Thrust whole library
of feminist theory on
table. Walk away.
The bookish lesbian
“I wish you were the
woman sharing my bed, not
Alison Bechdel.”
The SHF (short-haired femme)
“Nice [blank]!” Fill blank with
“feather,” “earring,” “undercut,”
or “nerdy glasses.”
The hard-core bookish lesbian
Pronounce Annie Proulx’s
name correctly—watch lady’s
cargo pants fall off.
The obviously high lesbian
“We go together
just like peanut butter cups
and prescription drugs!”
The cat- or dog-obsessed lesbian
“You know I minored
in pet portraiture at my
women’s college, right?”
The radical Marxist-feminist lesbian
“Can you believe the
phallocentric slavery
of this Bud Light Lime?”
IMAGINED AWKWARD PROPOSITIONS FOR THE CHARACTERS YOU’RE READING ABOUT IN YOUR BOOK CLUB
The lesbian whom you’ve time-traveled back to the Victorian Era to ask out
Are you causing these
“uterine fits” or do I
have hysteria?
I’d be delighted
if you joined me for a ride—
you sure are hansom.
Awkward lesbian vampire proposition
You suck! I mean that
literally of course. HA-
HA. Oh, you’re vegan?
Awkward lesbian werewolf proposition
I would never be
so insensitive as to
ask for doggy-style.
Awkward lesbian velociraptor from Jurassic Park proposition
Hey, clever girl! What’s
eating you? Me? HA-HA. Nice
claws. I dig high femme.
Awkward lesbian zombie proposition
Well, aren’t you drop-
dead gorgeous? Emphasis on
Dea—[Zombie eats her.]
Awkward lesbian unicorn proposition
Has anyone told
you that you make them HORNy?
They have? Okay, great.
Awkward lesbian Bigfoot proposition
I also think that
shaving is oppressive! Do
you use rock crystals?
IMAGINED AWKWARD PROPOSITIONS FROM FAMOUS QUEER WOMEN THROUGHOUT HISTORY
Gertrude Stein
A lesbian is
a lesbian is a lez
who’s BI-AN me drinks.
Gertrude Stein tries again
A rose is a rose
is a Rose who rose from the
bar to buy me drinks.
Gertrude Stein gets to second base
Where? There? You want me
to touch you there? But my dear,
there is no there there.
Billie Jean King
Love love!… Wait, come back!
It’s a tennis term meaning
no one has scored. Oh.
Sappho
My muse! My favorite …
Aphrodite?… Airlea?
Ai … think I love you?
Georgia O’Keeffe
Here, I made you this
flower painting. It’s symbolic!
Of your … beauty.
Audre Lorde
Eating bananas
is nice, but how about we
put them in your vag?
Susan Sontag
Sex is a pillow—
an extension of the self.
Yet suffocating.
Susan Sontag tries again
Would you like to talk
obscure French theory with
me? I hate myself.
Willa Cather
There is nothing but
the land. We are all dirt, so
shall we lie in it?
Willa Cather keeps going
I would plough you like
the godly red heaven that
is Nebraska soil.
Virginia Woolf
When I said I want
“a room of my own,” I meant
“when my husband’s here.”
Frida Kahlo
Te adoro! Here’s
a painting of me being
cruelly tortured.
DATING: IT’S NOT OK, OKCUPID
I bet many of you are wondering why this chapter exists because common knowledge has it that lesbians don’t actually “date.” Instead the timeline follows as such: girl meets girl, their genitals fuse together in a state of ecstatic union, and then they go raise chickens together somewhere. But that’s not (always) the case! Dating and courtship are still very much a part of the lez experience. This chapter, hence, navigates the perilous waters of dating and popular websites such as OkCupid and Craigslist.
What’s a “date”?
We met; we had sex;
then the next thing I knew, we
were buying wind chimes!
A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF ALL CRAIGSLIST WOMEN 4 WOMEN MISSED CONNECTIONS
To the tall, dark-haired witch from the Moon-Worshipping Ritual
I think you swiped my
sage stick accidentally.
I’d like it back please.
RE: To the tall, dark-haired witch from the Moon-Worshipping Ritual
I bought that sage at
Womb of One’s Own, Sunray. We
need to dialogue?
RE: RE: To the tall, dark-haired witch from the Moon-Worshipping Ritual
sure hope you purify your
soul with it, Ember.
Ahead of me at Whole Foods today
You have great taste in
nutritional yeast! I will
ignore the Craisins.
The girl in line for the Port-o-Potty with the infinity tattoo at the Canadian folk festival
I wrote a poem
about your shoulder blades. Can
I tweet it to you?
It’s fated!
The way you held your
beer said Virgo. If your moon’s
in Leo, call me.
Girl in the beige multipocketed vest working at the Berkeley REI
I smiled at you in
my mind and never made eye
contact. You’re the one.
The woman in glasses reading Audre Lorde at the feminist bookstore
Let’s dismantle the
master’s house! Me: Plaid. Never
looked up from my book.
Met you at the in-depth sensitivity training for a postgender world
By the bi … nary,
your views on phallocentric
highlighters moved me.
7 a.m. yoga flow class with Charity
As you were leaving,
your mat hit me in the face.
Namaste next time?
POSSIBLE FIRST MESSAGES TO WOMEN ON ONLINE DATING SITES
I’d love it if we
could message each other for
months and never meet.
Shall we discuss our
attraction for hours and
then go home alone?
“Like being pissed on?”
an OkCupid girl asks.
“If so, urine luck.”
I knew your cat’s name,
diet, and hobbies before
I got to know yours.
This crush, relentless.
I am like a cat and you’re
a laser pointer.
Subject: “Wanna fuck?”
Followed by “Just kidding!” Your
meaning eludes me.
Let’s “Live life to the
fullest” by watching actors
on TV do it.
Her message: “I like
your socks.” Tremendous! Let’s build
a life together.
To the hot girls on
OkCupid: You have to
write more than “Hello…:)”
What the “looking for” choices really mean on OkCupid
Friends: Casual sex.
Short-term dating: Just sex. Long-
term: Face-to-face sex.
HOW TO FILL OUT YOUR DATING PROFILE LIKE A TRUE LESBIAN
Pro tip
Mastering basic
English will get you so much
ass on dating sites.
Why try online dating?
’Cause it’s easier
to lie on the Internet
than to someone’s face.
The first things people usually notice about me are …
My witchy vibe and
carefully messed-up hair or
literary tat.
That I am guiding
people in the direction
of Ultimate Truth!
I’m INTJ,
BTDUBBS! NP if U
TMI, YOLO!
That I’m riding a
star on this journey called life!
Or my undercut.
That I may still be
recovering from Saturn’s
Return LOL!
HOW TO PROPOSITION A GIRL ON FACEBOOK
How about we take
this Facebook “poking” to the
next level: book club!
Which Titanic scene
made you cry the hardest? “I’LL
NEVER LET GO, JACK.”
I’m so attracted
to you that I’d call you on
the actual phone!
That witty Facebook
comment took me six hours. So
can we bone now please?
A SUMMARY OF ALL CRAIGSLIST WOMEN 4 WOMEN ADS
Why is a good friend so hard to find??
The orgasm will
never be free! We must rid
it of tyranny!
No drauma!!!
Im a nice,healthy.
active,mentally girl! Please
be educated!!!!!!!!
You: Into piercings, rectal exams, immobilizing bondage, colonic irrigations, enemas, nipple torture …
Must also love hugs,
spooning, and Dance Moms. Long-term
romance possible!!!!!
Butch tenors and altos sought
Masculine women
needed to perform songs of
“classical” nature.
Where are all the real people?????
Open-minded, non-
judgmental girls only please!!!
No bisexuals.
Not looking for ms. wrong Beth Miller!!!!
No men, no couples,
no flakes, no games, no one named
Beth Miller, that whore!
RE: Not looking for ms. wrong Beth Miller!!!!
DON’T LISTEN TO MY
BITCH EX CINDY! SHE CAN’T PAY
RENT OR ATTENTION!!!!!
Don’t feel blue, feel indigo!!!!
Want a “love that’s true”?
Shall we “multiply life by
the Power of Two”?!?!!
Protest the inaccurate portrayal of snakes as villains and cruel beings in the media!!!
Snakes are creatures that
deserve our ssssympathy!! Join
the causssssse Augussst 3!
RE: Butch tenors and altos sought!! (REVISED)
Ad was not for sex!!!
Stop sending me pics of your
“classically trained” “flute”!!
I can’t assemble this fucking IKEA bedframe
Me: Have Allen wrench,
won’t travel. You: Can decode
wordless instructions.
HOW TO PROPOSITION SOMEONE WHILE PLAYING ONLINE SCRABBLE
Play “qiviut,” the
word for musk ox undercoat.
Ladies love musk ox!
’Tis better to have
loved and lost to you at Scrab—
WAIT, NO, IT ISN’T.
F U—the game I
wanna play is called Words With
Friends With Benefits.
PERFECTLY VALID EXCUSES A LESBIAN MIGHT USE TO TURN YOU DOWN FOR A DATE
Cosmic omens
I would date you, but
Mercury’s in retrograde
until Saturday.
Harried Potter
I must finish this
paper on ontology
of Muggles’ struggles.
Serious concerns
I am attending
a lecture on the social
privilege of leisure.
Ex factor
I promised my ex
that I would join her at her
birthing ritual class.
OkStupid
You thought this was a
date? “Activity partners”
are what I’m after.
Multitasking
I’m going to an
insemination ritual/
poetry reading.
Pain check!
I’d love to, but I’ll
be Facebook stalking my ex
for the next nine hours.
Ex-ceptions
I promised I would
never date my ex’s friends’
ex-spin instructor.
Noteworthy
I would love to but
your music collection is
not diverse enough.
The Hell Word
You identified
the most with Jenny?! I have
to leave this bar now.
> A LINE OF LESBIAN-THEMED GREETING CARDS FOR YOUR DATES
To a person whom you have been out with several times, though you don’t know whether they were “dates”
Thinking of you. But
mostly how you look naked.
Let’s get “coffee” soon?
How about we stop
beating ’round the bush and start …
beating ’round the bush.
To the person who broke your really long dry spell
You please me in ways
only things with batteries
have done in the past.
To a new lover
I’ll never cheat on
you with your friends ’cause I’ve slept
with them already.
Flirtation
I want you more than
I wanted this master’s in
social work degree.
To a girl with whom you are falling in love
I look forward to
pretending to care about
your ex’s chalk art.
To a first date with whom you’re not remotely compatible but still desperately want to make out with
Career blogging? Well,
I’ve heard that field is really
blowing up right now!
To the lackluster first date whom you made out with anyway because you couldn’t face the loneliness of existence that Thursday
I liked you better
than I liked facing my own
crippling malaise.
To the girl who didn’t get your incredibly obvious flirtations that 110 percent signaled that you were into her
Inside the card are
emojis of a peach and
dancing bunny girls.
U-HAULING
If you’ve been trapped under a very large boulder for the last fifty years or so, you may be unaware of the most-told lesbian joke in existence, and probably really grateful to have escaped from under that boulder! In order to help acclimate yourself back into society, you’ll need to know that a lesbian brings a U-Haul to a second date because she enjoys displaying her prowess at parallel parking large trucks. And also because she’s moving in with you. Lesbians love to cohabitate—Double your supply of oolong teas! Quadruple your supply of fancy mustard!—yet with this great responsibility comes an even greater cable bill. Here’s how to cope with the urge to merge, the breakneck speed of a relationship’s progression, and the challenge of keeping the love alive even after you’ve witnessed her break down over rosemary-infused crackers at Trader Joe’s.
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN A COHABITATING LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP
