by Anna Pulley
not do the dishes.
Sex in your fifties
Let’s do that role-play
scene where I get to lie on
my back the whole time.
You menopausal?
’Cause, girl, you put the hot back
into hot flashes.
Sex in your sixties
You find that you are
suddenly concerned about
STIs again.
Sex in your seventies
I should tell you that
I’m bi … onic. And this hip
is titanium.
Sex in your eighties
Fuck me until I
can’t remember my name! Wait,
what is it again?
DOS AND DON’TS
Trimmed nails are a MUST.
Trimmed everything else is
always a surprise.
A surefire way to drive the ladies wild
Well-manicured hands
have the effect muscled abs
have on straight women.
Approved lesbian dirty talk
I don’t care if it
takes hours, tell me about your
doctoral thesis.
Part those lips for a
slice of gluten-free, cheese-free,
conflict-free “pizza.”
This drum circle is
so primal. Don’t you feel at
one with Mother Earth?
Shall we deconstruct
dominant signifiers
over wine tonight?
I got you a Green
Party bumper sticker to
match your Subaru.
Guess what? I received
a National Endowment
for the Arts stipend!
Want to deconstruct
hegemonic power structures?
That’s what SHE said.
Things you should never say after sex
Next let’s try reverse-
cowgirl scissor from Blue Is
the Warmest Color.
That was fantastic!
Nice use of scuba gear. Did
it sound like I came?
I cannot wait to
edit this footage and put
it on Instagram!
If I were reading
this wet spot like tea leaves, I’d
say: Call your mother.
Well, that was as
uninspiring as my tarot
cards predicted.
Now I get why your
ex said it was just like a
hospital sponge bath!
“Is this Tegan and
Sara? That was our song.” (Sobs.)
“Which one?” “All of them!”
What to say to all women after sex
You must be famished!
Let’s wear loose pants and raid the
fridge like we are bears.
IF LESBIAN PORN WERE ACCURATE
Note that many of these premises are based on actual scenes in real porn films.
A precocious young lass has something to share with her Catholic schoolgirl classmates
A zine with Ani
lyrics, Glee fan fiction, and
the merits of plaid.
Two blondes engage in some much-sought-after pussy play
Susan and Chris knew
how understaffed the local
no-kill shelter was.
Horny amateur babe wearing pajamas her mother bought her at Lands’ End loves dirty-talking her lover (a Ph.D. candidate in musicology)
“I want to make sweet
consensual love to this
nondairy ice cream.”
Cohabitating co-eds in lust swap many secrets
“Take off your shirt,” she
commands. “This soap I made has
no skin irritants.”
A busty babe’s first time kissing her flatmate
Ten hot seconds, and
then ten months of “What did it
mean?” conversations.
Naughty lesbian babysitter has a surprise for Dad when he returns home
She let the kids stay
up until eleven to
watch Harry Potter.
Hot MILFs engage in a steamy clam photo sesh
One arranges bread
while the other gets the best
Instagram angle.
Bicurious girls want to experiment
May expects Beck to
make a move. Beck thinks May will.
They die celibate.
Big-boobed sorority sisters satisfy each other’s every desire
Tofutti Cuties,
Hulu, and analyzing
Liz Phair videos.
Petite redhead and caliente Latina roommates surprise the pizza delivery man …
With a lecture on
how his boss should compost all
used pizza boxes.
IF LESBIANS WERE IN CHARGE OF DEFINING COMMON SEX POSITIONS
Reverse cowgirl
Reverse gender
outlaw in a typically male-
dominated field
Missionary
“Proselytizing
of global, indigenous
people” position
Doggy-style
“A four-legged soul
mate whose nurturance and depth
exceeds humans’” style
Blow job
Blow “We demand pay
equity, plus some decent
maternity leave”
The spoon
The “Why don’t you look
me in the eye while making
love anymore, Anne?”
Tea-bagging
Organic, bio-
available, sustainable
balls in your face
The wheelbarrow
Migrant farmworkers
have deplorable working
conditions—sign this!
The rocket
The “We resent this
phallocentric metaphor.
Please change to ‘love cave.’”
Woman on top
No changes required.
—Fondly, every lesbian
in the entire world
The spin cycle (a.k.a. sex on a washing machine)
This is not what we
meant by more equal household
chore distribution.
LOOK BOTH WAYS: DEMYSTIFYING BISEXUALITY
You’ve probably heard a lot of stereotypes and jokes about bisexuality, a.k.a. the redheaded goth stepchild of sexual orientations. Most people can’t even agree on a definition of bisexuality, which has led to a lot of confusion, angst, and reality shows starring Tila Tequila.
Ironically, part of the reason bisexuality gets a bad rap—and why so few people openly identify as such—is because it’s associated with so many negative cultural connotations. For our purposes, I’ll define a bisexual as someone who is drawn to emotional and/or sexual relationships with different genders, although terms relating to bisexuality run the gamut and can include descriptors such as “pansexual,” “queer,” “ambisexual,” “omnisexual,” “fluid,” and “Larry King.” Below are the truest and most definitive haiku that document the sexual identity that is often shrugged off as a “phase,” a “gateway,” “homosexuality lite,” or “Fifty Shades of Gay.”
WHAT’S A BISEXUAL?
According to douche canoes
Only the bread to
my favorite sandwich, bro!
Amirite? Up top!
According to scientists who study bisexuality
It’s the only way
I know to get paid to watch
gay porn all day long.
According to your conservative mom
Why must you punish
me? Was it because I wore
so many pantsuits?
According to your liberal hippie mom
Love is love! I had
spir
itual intercourse
with a redwood once.
According to National Geographic
As documented
by ten thousand species of
animals: Thursday.
According to Tom Cruise
Thursday. Or as it’s
permitted by Xenu, the
Galactic Mogul.
According to beersexuals, a.k.a. girls who make out with girls solely to turn guys on
Three parts vodka and
two parts “It seemed so fun in
Katy Perry’s song!”
According to the guys who benefit from beersexuals’ exhibitionism
WHOO-OO-OOO-OO-OOOO
OO-OO-OO-OO-WHOO-OO-OO
OO-OOO-O-OO-OO!
According to unicorns
IT’S THOSE BITCHES WHO
STOLE OUR NAME. NOW WE ARE FORCED
TO GO BY STEVE. STEVE!
According to “family values” Republicans
A HORROR SHAME PLAGUE.
(Unless the act takes place in
an airport bathroom.)
HOW DOES BISEXUAL SEX WORK?
It’s like straight sex, but
you still get to imagine
Portia de Rossi.
It’s like straight sex, but
there are more people to high-
five when you’re finished.
It’s like the “Mindful
Raccoon” in acro yoga,
but less crotch grabbing.
It’s like gay sex but
with infinitely more puns
involved. Come again?
Pro: There are a lot
of choices! And con: There are
a lot of choices!
Fine. It’s like straight sex.
Get off our backs already,
and get on our backs!
It’s like straight sex, but
your sheets will be covered in
glitter eye makeup.
It’s like straight sex, but
less ambient techno and
more David Bowie.
It’s like gay sex but
with more trivia about
the bonobo ape.
It’s like gay sex, but
brunch counts as foreplay. IF IT
DOESN’T, THEN IT SHOULD.
COMMON BISEXUAL QUESTIONS POSED TO NONBISEXUAL PEOPLE
Straight people exist?
I read otherwise in a
New York Times think piece.
So, you’re gay, huh? Do
you make out with boys just to
turn men on, or what?
You like brunettes AND
redheads? You straights can never
make up your damn minds.
Hetero? Is that
why you have so much trouble
with monogamy?
Are you sure? I think
you probably just haven’t
met the right man yet?
Threesome? Sandwich? Three-
way? Ménage à trois? Group sex?
3P? Screwnicorn?
Monosexual?
I guess I respect your choice
to limit yourself.
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
Breaking up is hard to do for anyone, but for gaydies, it’s nearly impossible. Somewhere, at this very moment, a lesbian couple has been trying to break up for the last several decades. By the time you finish this intro, they’ll have made up yet again, having moved on to the cry-cuddle phase of lesbian reconciliation (more on that below). No one is really sure why lesbians need to end relationships multiple times before it sticks, and a few more times after that before they can cook lentils together without it ending in sloppy, soupy rebound sex and a lot of unnecessary laundry. To lesbians, a breakup is like a sub club card—except when you get to ten, you’re rewarded not with a delicious sandwich but with six months of postbreakup couples therapy. The following haiku will deal with the right and wrong way to handle a breakup (excuse me, “relationship transition”), school you in the fine art of “letting girls down,” and explain the dual nature of rebounds (a.k.a. “meeting your next monogamous partner”).
A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF EVERY LESBIAN BREAKUP THROUGHOUT HISTORY IN TWELVE WORDS
I can’t date you, but
here’s an ambiguous poem
about my feelings.
HOW TO BREAK UP WITH A LESBIAN
It can’t be done. You’re
welcome to try again next
year, if you insist.
Tell her that you loved
the Star Wars prequels more than
the originals.
Set aside tissue
boxes, and the next thirty-
four years of your life.
Wars are fought over
who gets to keep the tribal
pantsuit in the split.
It’s been six months. You
finally feel close to defining
your “boundaries.”
Been single four months
now. Ate croutons for dinner.
There’s no connection.
I can’t date you, but
here’s a Spotify playlist
about how I feel.
She has a new girl,
a house, stability. I
have Facebook comments.
A LINE OF LESBIAN-THEMED GREETING CARDS FOR EXES
To the ex who defriended you on Facebook because you disagreed about the dimensionality of the female characters in The Great Gatsby
I forgive you for
being wrong about everything
(and dumping me).
To your ex whom you’re still sleeping with
“Processing” with you
is my favorite kind of
aerobic workout.
To the ex you haven’t seen in a long time but still entertain thoughts of sleeping with
I’d love to get back
in touch. Specifically
with your genitals.
To the ex you’ll soon date again
This time I mean it!
It’s over. We’re through. What are
you doing Thursday?
HOW TO LET A QUEER GIRL DOWN GENTLY
I would invite you
up, but I still share a bed
with my ex-girlfriend.
I must tend to my
succulents, flying squirrel,
and hemp marinade.
I can’t date you, but
here’s how you can degrease your
hair with raw cacao.
Past-life regression
coach says that I’m not ready
to date in this life.
I said I’d perform
long-distance Reiki on my
ex-girlfriend’s sick cat.
HOW TO PISS OFF AN EX INDEFINITELY
It pains me to say
it, but your mother was right
about you, sorry.
THE WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE A BREAKUP
Clutching this forty
like it was you in my arms …
was going too far.
Seriously might
consider adding Facebook
“pokes” to my number.
I love you, I love
you, I love you. Seriously,
though, don’t call me.
HOW TO BREAK UP WITH FICTIONAL CHARACTERS WHO WERE IMPLICITLY OR EXPLICITLY LESBIANS
Beaker the Muppet
“You’re a little too
selfish. It’s always about
meee-meee-meee-meee-meee.”
Shane from The L Word
On the surface, be
a “cool mom.” Then, light her skate
shop on fire. Burn!
Peppermint Patty from Peanuts
Repeatedly ask
“Why are there so many balls?”
while watching softball.
How Sherlock Holmes refuses to let Watson break up with him
&nbs
p; “Give it up, old chap!
You have been trying since
1887.”
Fluttershy from My Little Pony
“Darling Fluttershy,
while our friendship is magic,
our sex life is not.”
THE TWELVE STAGES OF LESBIAN BREAKUP GRIEF
Denial
Mid-breakup-process,
engage in “breakup sex” while
you are both crying.
Cat adoption
You’ve always wanted
pets named after prominent
artistic dykons!
Anger
Throw out your shared sex
toys. Don’t even recycle
them! She’s not worth it.
Revenge
Compost her beloved
organic herb garden. Thyme’s
on whose side now, bitch?
Sadness
Imagine which cat
will probably eat you first
when you die alone.
Guilt about not recycling sex toys
Remove the sex toys
from the trash. Mother Earth thanks
you—if not that tramp!
Return adopted cats
Vow to come back for
Gertrude and Alice once you’re
“in a better place.”
Requisite posting of Craigslist hookup ad
“Looking for no-strings-
attached fun! Let’s bone and then
never speak again!”
Meet Craigslist hookup from ad
Once attraction is
established, talk for hours,
plan Glee marathon.
Date Craigslist hookup exclusively for the next one to two years
She’s not someone you
really see dating “long term,”
but she has great hair.
Break up with Craigslist hookup turned monogamous girlfriend
Make up seventeen
minutes later. Wonder, “Does
anyone get me?”
Break up with Craigslist hookup turned monogamous girlfriend again
If it sticks, congrats!
Return to the first stage of
Lesbian Breakups.
REBOUNDS
Rebounded with my
ex while watching Bound. Now we’re
bound for therapy.
Does it count as a
rebound if it is with the
woman who dumped you?
The moment when you
realize your rebound has
