“I have to watch and listen to you with my brothers all the time! I hear you having sex with them! I see you kissing and touching them. I saw you naked on a couch, trapped between Mad Dog and Coop, and it was obvious what’d happened. How the fuck do you think that makes me feel?” He kicks at the mud, swaying on his feet as he fights to maintain his balance.
“You could have that, Dane, but you choose not to.”
“You think I have a choice?!” he roars, putting his face right up into mine. His face contorts with pain and frustration, and, at any other time, I’d be offering him comfort. But my heart’s been put through the wringer and I can’t let him hurt me anymore.
“Of course, you have a choice.”
He laughs bitterly. “You don’t get it.”
My hands ball into fists at my side. “No, I don’t get it because you won’t fucking tell me.”
“I can’t tell you.”
I shake my head. “Why am I not surprised? One of these days, your head is going to fucking explode, Dane, from all the shit you keep locked up inside. I’ve tried to help you. I’ve tried so hard. But you refuse to open up and tell me what the fuck is going on.” I plant my hands on my hips, imploring him with my eyes.
“I can’t. It will hurt you.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. “All you do is hurt me, Dane! What’s one more instance going to do?”
He scrubs a hand over his jaw. “I can’t.”
My heart hardens and my tears dry up. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard with him. And now I’ve nothing left to give. “Then we are done.” I push up off my feet, needing to get away from him so I can break down in private.
“Alinthia!” he shouts after me, desperation evident in his urgent tone. “She used you to hurt me!” he cries, and his emotions slam into me, knocking the air from my lungs and testing my resolve. Dane is in agony. On a scale equal to or worse than my suffering. Despite my protestations, I can’t leave him like this. I spin around in the air, lowering back down to the ground in front of him.
Torment paints his face as he beseeches me with his eyes. “I’m sorry, Alinthia. I’m so fucking sorry.” He sinks to his knees in front of me and he’s hiding nothing from me now.
“How, Dane? How did she use me?” I drop to my knees too.
He bites down on his lip. “Whenever she made me do really twisted shit,” he croaks, visibly gulping, “she always transformed into you.”
“What?” I whisper as true horror engulfs me.
His voice cracks as unfettered emotion underscores his words. “I resisted her as much as I could. She knew I was just going through the motions. That I detested every second, but when she became you, I … I...” He looks away, and blood rushes to my head as the true magnitude of the damage done to him, to me, to us, becomes clear.
“You enjoyed it,” I whisper. “Because your mind imagined it was me.”
He nods, hanging his head, unable to look at me. “And that was the worst mistake I could’ve made because then she did it all the time.” He finally lifts his face to mine, piercing me with a tortured expression. “I tried not to give into it. I told myself over and over that it wasn’t really you, but it didn’t seem to matter. I wanted it to be you,” he adds, his voice a whisper too.
I thought I was in pain before, but it pales in comparison to the agony twisting my insides into knots.
“And in a fucked-up way, that helped get me through it, but now—”
“Now, she’s all you see when you look at me,” I surmise.
He nods slowly. “Yes, but it’s more than that. I see how weak I am every time I look at you. I betrayed you, and I can barely tolerate looking at myself, let alone you. When I look at you, I see my every mistake. My every failing.”
Tears pump out of my eyes. “She’s really won, hasn’t she? She’s not even here to see how brilliantly her plan worked.” A hand wraps around my heart, squeezing it until I can hardly breathe.
“She broke me, Alinthia, and I can’t erase what’s happened or the associated feelings. And I didn’t want you to know, but now, you do.” He wraps his arms around his body, shivering uncontrollably.
“You’re right,” I whisper, feeling weirdly numb even though I’m in a heightened emotional state. “There is no fixing you. Fixing us. We can never recover from this.” I honestly don’t see how we can. He fucked her and enjoyed it because he imagined it was me. My brain can’t wrap around how fucked up that is. I know she manipulated and tortured him, and he was forced to endure unimaginable shit. I know he didn’t want to enjoy it. But my feelings about Dane and Alandra are a mess. I’ve been forced to watch him pretending with her—when I didn’t realize it was pretending—and I hadn’t even come to terms with that.
And now this.
How can I ever forgive him even if a part of me knows it wasn’t really his fault?
How can I let him touch me—if he even wants to—knowing all the ways he’s been with her?
I want to resurrect that fucking bitch from the dead and murder her all over again. This time, I want to stab her a million times over for taking something so precious from me. Something I wasn’t even aware she’d taken when I killed her in the chamber.
“Alinthia.” His voice breaks as he stands, taking a step toward me.
“Don’t, Dane. Don’t touch me.” I clamber to my feet, and the pain in my chest is almost unbearable. “I need to be alone.” I can’t look at him a second longer, so I shoot up into the sky with his shouts and pleas ringing in my ears. I wrap an invisible bubble around myself so they can’t hear me or see me. I know if they do they’ll want to make this go away, but there is nothing any of them can say that will rectify this.
It’s a miracle I make it to Kylie’s house in one piece because my heart is rupturing in my chest, and my eyes are blurry from so many tears. I didn’t know it was possible to cry this much, and I’ve a feeling I’m not even halfway done yet. I didn’t consciously come here. My body gravitated to Kylie without thinking; knowing she’s the only one who can comfort me with this. I fly to her bedroom window and tap on it, just like old times.
Kylie opens it up with wide eyes, gasping as she takes one look at me. “Tori? What the hell?”
“I have nowhere else to go,” I sob, climbing through the window.
“What’s happened? Are you hurt?”
I nod. “I hurt so badly, Kylie.” I slam a hand over my heart. “In here.” Wracking sobs rip through me like a tornado, and I stand in her bedroom, covered in mud, soaked to my skin, as I break down in the arms of my former best friend.
CHAPTER 25
Dane
“Where is she?” I teleport into the living room, dripping water all over the floor as my body trembles and shakes. I can’t tell if it’s from the cold or the effects of the alcohol leaving my system. I’ve spent hours combing the streets looking for Alinthia to no avail. I reached out to the guys, but they couldn’t locate her either, because she shielded herself from us. Maddox just contacted me to say she was home, and I came straight here.
“She’s in her room, sobbing her heart out, thanks to you, you fucking asshole.” Coop pushes me, and I let him. I deserve everything he plans to send my way.
“Where did you find her?”
Coop glares at me, and he’s like a helium balloon begging to be pricked.
“Kylie called us,” Maddox explains. “Alinthia turned up at her house, crying hysterically, and she couldn’t get much sense out of her.”
“She was soaking wet and caked in mud.” Coop shoves me hard. “How could you let her leave after telling her that?” I guessed Coop had been listening because I dropped my shields at some point, leaving myself fully exposed.
“She flew away from me before I could stop her.”
“Why would you tell her that?” he says, pushing me again. I stumble back, falling down on the couch.
“Because she deserved to know.” I’ve tried to shield it from her because I knew how much the truth wou
ld hurt, but I couldn’t let her walk away the first time without coming clean. Fact is, I’m hurting her just as badly by concealing the truth. This is one of those catch-22 situations, and I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, but I’m not sorry that I told her even though the last thing I wanted to do is hurt her again.
But now she knows, and I feel a little lighter, and maybe, just maybe, I can start to find a way to process all the noise in my head. But I don’t know if Alinthia can ever forgive me. And if she can’t, I won’t blame her for that.
“Because I’m hurting her more by not telling her what’s driving my behavior.” I rub the back of my neck, as guilt bites me on the ass. I zoned out the other morning and almost choked her to death because I was lost in some drunken haze, catapulted back in time when she ran her finger down my chest, just like that bitch used to do, and I snapped. When I was on Xzanthar, I used to visualize throttling Alandra with my bare hands, but I never intended to enact it on Alinthia. It was unforgivable, and I’ll add it to the list of other unforgivable things I’ve done to her. “Because I … I need help to fix it.”
“Dane,” Beck says, sitting down on the edge of the coffee table in front of me. “Why didn’t you tell us this when we first came home?”
Opening up is so hard for me, but I’m tired of trying to do this by myself. I’m tired of hurting everyone. Especially Alinthia. And, most of all, myself. “Because I’m ashamed, Beck.” I can’t look at him as I say it. “I’m ashamed of the things I did and all the ways in which I betrayed the girl I swore to love and protect.” I knot my hands. “I didn’t want any of you to know how low I’d fallen.”
Silence descends on the room, and I get it. We don’t do the heavy shit. Maybe that’s my fault for closing myself off because my brothers don’t struggle as much with expressing their feelings even if we don’t discuss it.
“That’s partly because Alinthia has made it easier to acknowledge our feelings,” Maddox says, answering my thought. “She could be that for you.”
“He’s not going anywhere near her,” Coop hisses, and I know he’s going to be the hardest to win over. He adores Alinthia, and he also bears grudges the longest. “I do, on both counts, which is why you’re not going to upset her again.”
“I’ve never wanted to upset her.”
“Well, you have.”
I rub a tense spot between my brows. “Thanks for that, Captain Obvious.” I’m on edge again, and this emotional seesawing is driving me insane. I veer from one extreme to the other, and sometimes, it feels as if I’m ready to implode. “But you don’t tell me what to do.”
Coop shakes his head. “If you think any of us are taking direction from you now, after this, you’re sorely mistaken. That girl in there is everything!” He points in the direction of the bedrooms. “And you’re doing your best to ruin her and fuck up every chance we have of coming out of this with a future. I will never forgive you if you do that.”
He storms off, and I scrub my hands down my face, exhausted and on the verge of collapse. “Do you both feel the same?” I ask my other two brothers.
“Things can’t continue like this,” Maddox cryptically says.
“I just want everyone to get along again. This constant stress isn’t good for anyone,” Beck supplies.
“I’m going to fix it.” I say it. And I mean it. But I have no clue where to even start.
“I hope you mean that,” Maddox says.
“I do.”
He slaps me on the back. “Then we’re here for you, and it’s not like we aren’t understanding.” Please don’t go there. Please don’t bring it up. “But you can’t take it out on Alinthia.”
“I know.” I scrub a hand over my prickly jawline. “And it might be too late to salvage things with her, but I’ll try.” Because I fucking love her. I’ve loved her for a long time, and I’m done denying the truth. Done hurting both of us. I will go all out to prove I can be the man she needs. To show her how truly sorry I am for all the pain I’ve caused her. I will do everything in my power to make it up to her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. To show her I am loyal to her and she’s the only one who’s ever owned my heart.
If she’ll just give me one more chance.
And I know that’s a big if.
“It’s late, and you need to shower,” Beck pointedly says. “Let’s all sleep on it and discuss what to do in the morning.”
That’s easy for him to say. He doesn’t have nightmares that keep him up half the night.
After I shower and change into sweats and a loose shirt, I pad quietly to Alinthia’s bedroom, listening for sounds of anyone in there with her. But all I hear is her muffled sobs, and I only sense her through the bond. I slip into her room with my heart hammering behind my rib cage. Her head is buried in the pillow, her hair tangled over her face, and her body convulsing as she struggles to cry quietly. Acute pain stabs me in the heart, and a wave of guilt slaps me in the face. I’ve done this to her. I’ve taken this beautiful girl and destroyed her heart and her hope, and I feel like the biggest shithead on the planet.
My heart is mincemeat as every tormented sob sucker punches me. All my brave talk outside disappears, and I hover by the side of her bed, conflicted on whether I should stay or go. My natural response would be to run a million miles, so I ignore it and do the opposite, sliding into the bed beside her. Blood thrums in my ears as I move close to her, pulling her back against my body.
She stills, and her sobs stop, but she doesn’t turn around. I wrap my arms around her waist, and a deep sense of contentment settles soul deep. The usual pang of guilt accosts me, but I’m determined to push through it for the girl I love. “Alinthia. I know you’re awake, and you don’t need to say anything. Just listen.” I close my eyes, burying my nose in her hair. “I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. Every shitty thing I’ve done haunts me every time I close my eyes at night. I know I’ve a funny way of showing it, but I love you,” I whisper. “I love you so fucking much, and I hate I’ve hurt you. I hate I’ve continuously pushed you away, and I want to fix us. To mend the broken parts inside me, so I can love you the right way.”
Slowly, she turns in my arms, brushing hair back out of her face, and the sight of her blotchy skin and swollen bloodshot eyes kills me. I did this to her, and I couldn’t hate myself any more if I tried. “I know it’s a big ask. That you might never forgive me.” My voice wobbles, and I pause for a beat. “And I’ll never hold that against you, but, please, please can you try to let me make it up to you?” Emotion wedges in my throat, and I shake as I attempt to stave off tears. “Because I need to make it right. I need you and I think you need me too. You’re the only girl I love. The only girl I’ve ever wanted. I swear it. It’s only ever been you.” The magnitude of my words hits me full force, and I realize how much I stand to lose if she can’t forgive me. If she can’t open up and let me love her the way I want to love her. The way I know I can love her. Pressure builds in my chest, growing and growing, until I feel like I might explode.
“Let it go, Dane,” she whispers. “Let it all go.”
An errant sob is the first to break free, and then the whole dam breaks. I crack wide-open in her arms, and we hug each other, both of us crying, both of us feeling the same torment and heartache, the same helplessness. I cling to her and the vanilla-strawberry scent that lingers on her skin, forming a different association. In this moment, it’s only me and her. The demons and ghosts are banished, and I fall into a deep sleep for the first time in weeks.
When I wake, the bed is empty, the space beside me where Alinthia was sleeping stone cold. Guilt is still there. The torment in my head is still there. But there’s no denying the sense of relief I feel at having the secret out there. I don’t know how things will stand today, but I need to start facing up to things. I can’t control what’s in the past, but I can control how I deal with it. That’s always been my mantra, but I lost sight of that these past few weeks.
I owe it to myself, my brothers, and the girl we love to try harder.
I get dressed and head out into the kitchen where my three brothers are quietly talking over breakfast. “Where’s Alinthia?” I ask, shoving my hands in my pockets.
“What did you say to her last night?” Coop asks, his eyes narrowing warily.
“That I was sorry and I loved her,” I truthfully admit. “And that I was going to fix everything.” I don’t tell them I broke down and sobbed in her arms although I’m sure they heard me.
“Well, whatever you did, she was in much better spirits today,” Beck says, and I wonder if it was as cathartic for her as it was for me.
“I’m happy to hear that, but we’ve a long road to travel.”
“And you want to travel that road with her? With us?” Coop inquires.
I nod. “I want what you all have with her. I want us to be a proper team.”
Maddox smiles, slapping me on the back and handing me a plate of eggs and bacon. “It’s about fucking time. You can start by eating properly again.”
“You can start by telling me where she is.” My brows climb to my hairline, and Maddox guffaws.
“Relax. She’s with Kylie.”
“When did they reunite?” I ask, shoveling the eggs into my mouth as I search for Alinthia using my ability.
“When you sent her running there after breaking her heart,” Coop deadpans, and I push my breakfast away, losing my appetite. He’s not going to let this go easily, but I don’t blame him.
The image enters my mind, and my eyes widen. “Fuck.” I don’t bother explaining to my brothers. I just race to the hallway and teleport right there.
Kylie screams when I suddenly appear in her en suite bathroom. “Oh my fucking God, Dane. You just gave me a coronary.” She rubs a hand across her chest.
The Chosen One Page 19
