I relaxed. He was talking to me, at least. “Johnny told me yesterday that she’s back at home now, with a cast, and a cone around her neck so she won’t chew the cast off. She hates the cone, and refuses to try and move herself. She hangs her head and lolls over to the side.” I chuckled. “He goes over several times a day to carry her outside to a patch of grass.”
Keaton turned away and got a glass from the cabinet. “Good for him.”
His voice was bitter. Cold. I was not used to this from Keaton at all. Ruby and I exchanged glances. She shrugged and made a face like she didn’t know what to do either. “Anyway,” I said, “The dog will be fine.”
Keaton poured himself some orange juice and turned and leaned on the counter. He watched me while he took a drink, but it was like he was looking right through me. His eyes were blank. “Was it Bright all along?”
I stared at him, stunned. “What?”
“I’m going to, uh, leave,” Ruby said, and slid out of the kitchen.
I watched her go, wishing I could follow her out of the room. When I turned back to Keaton, he was still looking at me. “No,” I said. “It wasn’t Johnny all along. Johnny has nothing to do with you and me.”
He laughed humorlessly. “Right.”
“I mean it, Keaton,” I said, anger igniting in me. “I thought you understood.” My voice broke and tears gathered in the corners of my eyes, which made me angrier. I hated crying when I was mad.
“Eli saw you get on the back of Bright’s bike the other night. You broke things off with me, and now you’re suddenly with him.”
This time, his voice broke. I put a hand to my mouth. This was a mess. “I’m not lying to you, Keaton. Breaking things off with you had nothing to do with him.”
“Maybe you don’t want to admit the truth to yourself.”
I glared at him. “No. What happened is, I finally did admit the truth. To you and to myself. I tried to have feelings for you. But I just don’t. I should have told you sooner, yes, I can admit that, but I still wouldn’t be with you even if he didn’t exist.”
His jaw clenched, and I gasped, shocked by the harshness of my words. I shot down the hall to Ruby’s room, shutting her door behind me. I leaned against the door, my hands shaking. Keaton and I had never argued. Never. I couldn’t believe the things we’d said to each other.
“What happened?” she asked.
“He thinks I turned him down to be with Johnny.”
She sighed. “He’s looking for someone to blame.”
I crossed my arms tightly around myself. “It’s not my fault I don’t love him the way he wants. Right?”
Ruby came over and hugged me, but she didn’t say anything. Suddenly I felt even worse. Here I was, seeking comfort from Keaton’s sister, putting her squarely in the middle. I wiped my eyes and offered her a tremulous smile. “I’m going home. Thanks for hanging out with me today.”
“You don’t have to go,” she said, her eyes sad.
But I kind of did. So I said goodbye to her, and stopped in the bathroom on my way out, to grab a handful of tissues. As I blotted my eyes, I heard Keaton and his mom talking in the living room. How could I get out of here without them seeing me? Going through the living room was the only way to reach both the front door and the kitchen door.
I stood in the hallway, debating, when Dianne said, “Listen, Keaton. She’s chasing a thrill, that’s all it is. You said she mentioned wanting adventure? Skydiving and all that? Johnny’s just another thrill to her, I’m sure of it. She just needs to get this out of her system.”
Get this out of my system? Heart pounding, I inched down the hall.
“Give her a few weeks, and I bet she’ll have regrets. She’ll come right back to you.”
I peeked around the corner. Keaton ran a hand over his face and through his hair, sighing. I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to hear his response. I stormed through the living room, not looking at either of them as I walked past them and right out the front door.
I walked down the sidewalk fiercely, my purse slamming against my side. I pinned it down and silently raged, squeezing the fistful of tissues. How dare Dianne say those things? How dare Keaton accuse me of ditching him for Johnny? I replayed each thing we’d said, regretting half my words and thinking up newer, better ones. I hoped he was regretting what he said, too. Did he agree with his mother? Was she the one feeding him these ideas?
I tried to slow my breathing and think rationally. Keaton was hurt. I knew that. He said those things because he felt displaced. He felt like I was leaving him behind, like I was changing. Maybe I was. I was deciding what I wanted. I was allowing myself to think of things I’d tried to push to the side. That didn’t seem so much like changing to me, but more like growing. Maybe that was his fear. Maybe he was afraid I was outgrowing him.
Get it out of my system. My anger returned full force. I couldn’t believe she’d actually said that. It was dismissive, patronizing, and a completely awful thing to say.
My dreams weren’t something I needed to get out of my system. Johnny wasn’t.
Certain of this, I went directly to Helton’s Auto Repair and walked right into the bay where customers weren’t allowed. “Miss? Can I help you?”
“No, thank you,” I said, walking past the man and peering under a car. “Johnny.” His name came out on a breath, filled with relief and hope and comfort.
He slid out from under the car and stood. Before he even set down the tool he was holding, I stepped close to him. I was going to kiss him, because he was not something I needed to get out of my system. He was a real person who made me feel real things. I closed my eyes and tilted my head to the side and aimed for his mouth.
“Whoa, hold on,” Johnny said, dropping the tool with a clang and grabbing my upper arms. He moved back a step. “What are you doing?”
I huffed. “I’m trying to kiss you.”
He squinted, as if that would help him see me more clearly. “You’ve been crying.” I stepped back and crossed my arms, but he didn’t let me run away from him, didn’t let me close myself off. He put his arm around my shoulders and led me around the side of the building, telling his coworker he’d be back in a minute. The guy grumbled, but didn’t object.
There was shade here, and we walked through the tall weeds. I leaned against the painted cinder block wall and Johnny stood in front of me. He was tall and broad, and he created a barrier between me and the world that I wanted right then. But I couldn’t look at him. My anger had cooled in his presence, and now I was embarrassed.
He placed his fingers under my chin and lifted my face to his. He searched my eyes, and the tenderness in his took me by surprise. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m fine.” I said it without thinking, and it made me feel like the person I’d always been with Keaton, not the person I was trying to become. I blinked back tears.
“Audrey, you’re not fine.”
I couldn’t make my thoughts into words. My emotions were still in control at the moment. I took in a shaky breath and shook my head.
His hand moved to cup the back of my neck. “Why did you want to kiss me?”
I didn’t meet his eyes. “All the usual reasons, I suppose, but apparently you think you know what’s best for me, too,” I snapped. I put a hand over my mouth, shocked at my words, at my tone. What was wrong with me today? I wouldn’t be surprised if he walked away from me and never looked back. “I’m sorry.”
He leaned in, caging me with his arms, and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Don’t be sorry. I’m trying to understand. Give me more.”
“More?”
“Tell me what happened. Let out your anger. I’ve got you.” A tear rolled down my cheek and he caught it with his thumb and wiped it away.
The anger I’d tried to shove down clawed its way to the surface, and I wanted to scream. I wanted it out of me. “I’m so mad.”
He nodded, and the hand at my neck caressed the skin by my ear. “Why are yo
u mad, baby?”
The endearment, something I never thought I’d like, made my stomach flip. I looked directly in his eyes. “I don’t like it when people tell me what I’m feeling. Or when they think they know what I need.”
“Yeah. Me neither. Who did that?”
The words tumbled out of me, fast and fierce. “Keaton. He thinks I’m lying to myself. He thinks I only turned him down to be with you. It’s like he never listened to a word I said to him. And his mom. She said I’m just chasing a thrill and I need to get you out of my system and that I’ll have regrets.”
The hand on the wall formed a fist. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. But the hand on my neck stayed gentle, barely touching me.
“He’s wrong,” I hurried to add. “He’s so wrong. It feels like he doesn’t even know me. Like maybe he never did. He didn’t see me, he saw what he wanted to see, and I let him. I tried to be what he wanted. I was mean to him today. I said awful things. And he was mean to me, too. He’s still waiting for me to go back to acting the way I always have and realize he’s what I want.”
Johnny, breathing hard, shoving down his own anger, leaned forward and rested his forehead against mine. I was spilling my anger into him. It was draining out of me with every word I spoke, and going right into him where it grew and grew. I put my hands on his waist, tugging on his shirt. “Thank you for not kissing me.”
That broke the tension, and he barked out a laugh. “Now I wish I had.”
He met my eyes and we watched each other. Our breath came quicker, and I pulled on his shirt, curling my fingers into the skin of his waist. “Can I take you on a date tonight?” he whispered, his voice rough. “After I get off work?”
“I work tonight. I have to be there in two hours. Tomorrow?”
He ran a finger down my cheek. “I’ll pick you up at six.”
Chapter 18
Johnny
I yanked my belt out for the second time, having missed a loop again. “Nervous?” Mom asked. I glanced at her, but she didn’t look up from ironing my shirt.
“Yes, I’m plenty nervous.”
She chuckled.
“What’s funny?”
“I like seeing you sweat, Johnny. You’re too cool for my liking.”
I rolled my eyes, but laughed a little.
“This girl must challenge you. She has a little power over you. That’s a good thing.”
Audrey had power over me, alright. I’d do anything she wanted, give her whatever I could. She made my heart thump in my chest and brought my emotions right to the surface. “You don’t have to iron my shirt. I can do it,” I said, changing the subject.
She continued to press the creases from my brand new white shirt. She’d come into my room a few minutes ago and insisted on it. “Let me do it. I don’t get to take care of you much anymore. And you’re always doing little things for me.”
I kissed her on the cheek. “We take care of each other.”
She whipped the shirt off the ironing board and held it out to inspect it. She handed it over. “It’ll do.”
I put it on and buttoned it, rolling the sleeves a few times.
“So, you have new clothes and you’re nervous. Tell me about her.”
I didn’t look up from lacing my boots. They were stiff, and so were my new jeans. “You know Audrey, Mom.”
She sat next to me on the edge of my bed. “I don’t know her well. I want to hear about her from your perspective.”
“She’s not who people think she is.” It was the first thing that came to my mind, and I wished I could take it back. It was true, but it wasn’t something about her. It was something about me, because it was a trait we shared. It was what had drawn me to her years ago, but it wasn’t what held me under her spell.
Mom looked at me knowingly, and I braced for her to repeat the lessons she’d been trying to instill in me for years, about how it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and about being secure in your own personhood. Instead, she patted my knee. “Feeling understood can be quite potent.”
“It’s more than the way she makes me feel, Mom. She’s got these big dreams. She has an adventurous spirit. Listening to her talk about those things is like watching a bird fight to get out of a cage. She’s strong and she isn’t intimidated by me. She’s close with her family. She makes me laugh. She surprises me. She’s kind.”
“And she’s beautiful.”
I looked away, my cheeks warming. “Yes. She is.”
“What are your plans for tonight? Dinner and a movie?”
“No, I’m taking her dancing.”
Mom’s eyes brightened and she stood, holding out her hand. I took it and we danced in the small floor space of my room, repeating the same steps she’d taught me before my first middle school dance. I smiled at her, this woman who had given so much of herself to me. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too.” She stopped our dance to fix my hair.
“You know I’m going to be putting a helmet over it,” I said, brushing her hands away. I grabbed my wallet and keys from the cookie tin on my dresser, and we headed out of my room.
“Where are you taking her after dancing?”
“You don’t think dancing is enough?”
“It’s enough, but I know you better than you think.”
I grinned. “I called Clay’s grandpa. We’re going to ride Timber.”
She laughed loudly. “Johnny, that horse is at least twenty years old. You’ll be lucky if he walks ten feet.”
“Nah, he’s still got some spirit in him.”
“I’ll cross my fingers for you.”
My phone rang, and I stifled my groan as I answered. It was Clay, and he knew I had a date so it must be something important.
“Have you seen Adam?” he asked.
“No.”
He muttered a curse.
I checked the time. “I have a few minutes. What can I do?”
“Nah, man. Don’t worry about it. You’re busy tonight. I was just wondering if you knew where he was.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ll handle it.”
After we hung up, I caught Mom’s eye. “Was that about Adam?”
I nodded and checked the time again. I wanted to time it exactly right, so I’d get to Audrey’s house five minutes before six.
Mom’s hand landed on my arm. “You aren’t too involved in this, are you?”
I frowned. I thought she knew I’d never again hang out with Rick and his crew. “I’m not involved in any of it.”
She shook her head. “I’m not asking if you’re involved in the trouble with Rick. I’m asking if you’re too involved in trying to save Adam.”
I furrowed my brow. “No. I’m not trying to save anybody. I’m just doing what I can to help.”
“Okay. But don’t get in too deep. Don’t put the entire weight of fixing this on your own shoulders. And Clay shouldn’t do that, either.”
“I know, Mom.” I checked the cash in my wallet one more time before tucking it in my back pocket.
“You’re distracted. Can you focus for one minute?”
I turned my full attention to her, wishing we could have this conversation later.
“I’m speaking from experience,” she said. “Don’t get in too deep.”
I let my impatience go, and hugged her to me. She used to blame herself for not being able to save my father. She thought that if she loved him enough, if she helped him enough, he would turn his life around. She told me this constantly, wanting to make sure I never found myself in the same position. “I won’t, Mom.” I pulled back and kissed her cheek again. “I have to go.”
It was a struggle to maintain a steady speed on the way to Audrey’s house. I was okay with meeting her dad, but her mom scared me. It hadn’t escaped me that her mom was good friends with Keaton’s mom. It was one thing for her to accept that she’d let Keaton go, and another thing entirely for her to be okay with Audrey dating me.
Audrey. I
couldn’t wait to see her again. She invaded my mind constantly. I was distracted at work, and jobs were taking twice as long as they should. Jittery energy thrummed through me at all times, and I thought seeing her would settle it, but seeing her only increased it.
I pulled up in front of Audrey’s house and took an extra minute taking off my helmet. This had to go well. That Audrey was spending any time with me at all was still a shock to me. It was a tender thing, and I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know what she wanted, ultimately. Did she want us to be exclusive? Did she want it to last? I thought so. I hoped so. I just had to get through meeting her parents.
I walked to the front door, took a deep breath, and knocked. The thumping of footsteps could be heard through the door. It swung open and Audrey’s twin sister Valerie stood there. “Hi, Valerie.” She looked me up and down, and then grinned at me, waving me inside. “Come in.”
I stepped into the foyer, looking around with my shoulders up near my ears, wondering where her parents were.
As if reading my mind, Valerie said, “Don’t worry, Mama and Dad aren’t here. Aunt Glory called and invited them over to play cards and have dinner.”
For a second, I relaxed. Then, as her words sank in, adrenalin roared through me. Did Mr. and Mrs. Sparrow know Audrey’s plans for the night? Did they know she’d be with me? Before I could ask, Audrey walked down the stairs, wearing a short blue dress that swirled around her thighs.
Valerie turned to her sister and squeaked when she saw her appearance. “You look beautiful, but you can’t wear a dress on a motorcycle.”
Audrey, looking right into her sister’s eyes, lifted her skirt. Valerie burst out laughing. Audrey wore jean shorts under her dress. “I also have a swimsuit under all this, because Johnny didn’t tell me where we were going. A girl has to be prepared.”
Valerie shook her head. “You about gave me a heart attack.”
Audrey beamed, hugged her sister, and led me to the door.
“Have a nice time, you two,” Valerie said.
“Good night. I’ll be back by curfew this time.”
Broken Rebel (Sparrow Sisters Book 2) Page 12
