She drew back, somewhat stunned by his words of sympathy. “You are mistaken, my lord. I wasn’t dishonest when I told you about my upbringing, but I may have smoothed out the rougher bits. I do not miss my mother. I’d have to remember her to miss her, I think. She left me on my father’s doorstep and then walked into the Thames with enough stones in her pockets that there was no hope of rescue,” she said matter of factly. “And I only know this because my father took great pleasure in telling me the tale and informing me that they’d have all been better off if she’d carried me with her.”
“Christ above,” he whispered. “And I thought dealing with Elsworth and my grandmother was bad! Your father needs a good—well, suffice to say, something a bit more bloodthirsty than just a talking to!”
Lilly smiled tightly at that. “I don’t like talking about him. I prefer to forget that he exists, in all honesty. Back to my mother. Alas, she did not see fit to end my existence with hers. Instead, she abandoned me at my father’s family residence here in London. His mother discovered my existence and despite the circumstances of my birth and her desire to have naught to do with me, she did insist that he at least provide for me. So I was sent to a farming family on one of his estates and eventually to the school where I met my half-sister and Effie Darrow discovered us both.”
They’d made the turn down Park Lane and were heading toward the park’s entrance. His mind was reeling with what she had revealed, not just about her upbringing, but also about herself. She was pretty enough, and might have looked delicate and fragile. But inside, Lilly Burkhart was forged of steel. He admired her greatly for it, and also felt somewhat ill at ease in her presence because of it. Knowing her character in that way made his own failings even more apparent to him. So he focused on something else. “You speak very dispassionately about what must surely have been a painful past.”
“Oh, it was quite painful… when I was younger. I do not deny that at all. But I see no point crying about it all now. I shed my tears and moved on. I refuse to be a victim either of circumstances or people, my lord… Val,” she said. “And I say all this to let you know, that I will not be some quiet, meek society wife. And if that is what you expect of me, perhaps we should revisit our agreement.”
The deeper they went into the park, the more slowly they had to travel. After all, a drive in the park wasn’t actually about getting anywhere. It was about letting people see you. Val cast a sidelong glance at her. “And I presume you tell me all of this in order to set the stage for the conditions you wish to place on our arrangement?”
“Am I so very obvious?”
He laughed. “Like I’ve been beaten over the head with a club by it. Subterfuge is not your strong suit, Lilly.”
“But it is yours, isn’t it? I mean, essentially you did confess to me last night that you’re a… well, for lack of a better word, a spy.”
Val cleared his throat. “I wouldn’t call it that.”
“What would you call it then?”
“I would say that if in my daily endeavors, information that poses a risk to our nation is discovered, I alert the people who can deal with that information appropriately.”
Her eyebrows shot upward and her lips curved in amusement. “You do know that is precisely what a spy does, don’t you?”
Wanting desperately to change the subject to anything else, Val demanded, “Name your conditions, my lovely betrothed. But when you are done, I will be levying conditions of my own.”
She relented. “Very well. Then the bequest from my great-aunt is mine and mine alone. Regardless of what occurs between us and even if you decided you cannot bear the sight of me after a suitable amount of time, that small sum is mine to live on for the rest of my days.”
“Done,” he said. Whatever became of their relationship, should they even manage to develop something akin to one, she would not be subsisting in penury. He’d certainly be able to afford to support her in the style of her choosing. “Is that all or is there more?”
She looked away for a moment. “I’m not very good with rules. You’ve seen the evidence of it yourself. You will undoubtedly, over time, grow quite frustrated with me for that reason. When that occurs, we will simply lead our separate lives. You may do as you please and so shall I.”
A dozen emotions flitted through him. Outrage, jealousy, indignation. Those were the ones closest to the surface, however. There might have been a bit of hurt pride and wounded vanity, as well. He hadn’t even taken her to bed yet and she was already mapping out a future where other men would. “I should say you are not very good at rules at all, Miss Burkhart. It’s quite brazen of you sit here in this phaeton, the morning after we are betrothed, and inform me that you intend to have lovers.”
“I never!” she gasped in obvious outrage. “Doing as we please does not include that!”
“Then what the bloody hell does it include?” he demanded. “When husbands and wives lead separate lives, Lilly, they don’t tend to involve celibacy!”
*
To say that her future husband’s reaction and interpretation were shocking was to put it mildly. Even if such a thing were to enter her mind, she would not broach the subject so callously. “It means that if you wish to take… to do… to have… that is to say that if and when we part ways and you elect to have relationships outside of marriage, I certainly understand and would not expect you to… not do that.” She paused then, attempting to regain her composure. To even utter such things left her terribly embarrassed and created a dull ache in the vicinity of her heart that she would not even deign to acknowledge. After all, they didn’t know one another well enough for her heart to be engaged in any way that could result in significant damage. It was just that the idea of him taking a mistress, or heaven help her, for him to take mistresses, was humiliating. The very idea of it had her terribly flustered and strangely disappointed.
Drawing in a deep breath, she continued, “For myself, should we part ways, I intend to live a quiet life, away from society, with my books and possibly a cat or a dog to keep me company. I want to read and write and paint if I take a notion. But I just don’t want to be told what to do all the time. Even when it’s something I know I ought to do and normally would want to do, the moment someone tells me I must do it, I immediately want to do anything and everything else! Do you not understand what it’s like to have your every thought and action dictated by others?”
He sighed heavily and eased the phaeton off the path. A boy, dressed in stained and rumpled clothing ran forward to take the reins. Lilly watched as he gave the boy a coin and promised another if the horses were still there when they returned.
“Let me help you down. We need to discuss this and I’d prefer not to do so in front of the very interested gossips,” he said and reached up to help her down. “Given that you have a rather animated way of expressing yourself, it is not in our best interest to be observed.”
Lilly braced herself for the familiar rush that always seemed to accompany his touch. When his hands closed about her waist, deftly lifting her from the coach and settling her in front of him, she had to fight the urge to lean against him. Even then, when he leaned past her to retrieve her walking stick, she felt the firmness of his chest and shoulders beneath his coat. Contrary to so many men of the day, his impressive physique had nothing to do with the artfully placed padding courtesy of a skilled tailor.
With her walking stick in hand and him far enough from her that she could actually breathe, Lilly felt marginally more herself as they set off down one of many graveled paths.
“Your ankle isn’t paining you too terribly?”
“No,” she answered. “A bit of exercise will be good for it, I think. Mary, the maid, helped me to wrap it in a bandage before we left this morning for a bit of extra comfort.”
“Good,” he said, and led the way down a small path that was heavily canopied by the twisting branches of trees that lined it. “I jumped to a rather disheartening conclusion back there and I mu
st apologize for that. Society marriages and my acquaintance with them have left me somewhat jaded, I suppose. I should never have assumed you meant anything of the sort.”
“Oh,” she said. “Well, perhaps I could have worded things differently. I didn’t realize that particular turn of phrase would have such significance. I truly only meant that if we tire of one another’s company or grow to dislike one another’s habits so very much that we can live apart. But I can’t imagine that I would want do anything so improper as to… well, have relations outside of marriage.”
He smiled at that. “That is a testament only to your lack of experience. Passion, Lilly, is a bit of Pandora’s box. Once you’ve experienced it, it becomes a very difficult thing to live without. I’m hoping that is something that neither of us will have to think about.”
Recalling the kiss they’d shared the night before, it was easy to see that he was correct on that score. Even now, just being in his presence, she’d lost count of the number of times she’d wondered idly if he would steal another kiss during their outing. Though stealing was a bit of a misnomer, since she’d go quite willingly into his arms. But kisses aside, he was speaking of something far more permanent and her trust of any man only went so far. She eyed him cautiously. “Do you really think that we, standing here as virtual strangers, can make any long-range plans for what our future together will hold?”
They strolled amicably along the path, weaving in and out of sight of others who were enjoying the fine weather and the beauty of the park. “I think we can, so long as we agree to be forthcoming with one another about our expectations.”
“Very well. What is it that you expect?” Lilly asked.
“I want to address your concerns, Lilly. I don’t perceive my role as a husband to be that of dictator. The blame can be laid squarely at my grandmother’s door, I suppose, but I’ve never been permitted the conceit that so many men have of thinking women were inferior to me… not in intelligence, not in ability and not in will and determination. If such a thought had even entered my mind, my grandmother would likely have beaten it out of me. I don’t expect to tell you what to do and how to do it every day of your life, henceforth. I had assumed we would have a certain degree of respect for one another that would preclude such behaviors.”
“And you think my earlier assumption was disrespectful to you?” she asked. That had not at all been her intent. She didn’t wish to insult him or to make him question the decision they’d made, even if it had been rash and foolish on both their parts.
“I think it’s an indication that we know very little about one another. And if it were possible, perhaps we could have a long engagement and rectify that. But my grandmother has issued an ultimatum and I have no option but to meet it. So we will marry and then we will get to know one another after the fact and hope that we have both not made a terrible error in judgment,” he replied. “I don’t foresee that I will ever develop such a dislike of you or such a level of exasperation with you that leading separate lives would seem like the best course of action to me.”
“I see,” Lilly said, and tried not to smile at that. It wasn’t the most flowery of compliments to be sure, but it rang with sincerity because of that. “I can be very tiresome, my lord.”
“As can I. No doubt we will argue and sometimes disagree on things, but that’s rather the point of being married, isn’t it? To have someone in your life who challenges you, who forces you to be better than you are because the thought of disappointing them is completely abhorrent to you. There are other matters that must be addressed, but due to their delicate nature, we’ll leave that for last. Why don’t you tell me what your expectations are?” he prompted.
The path they’d followed went deeper into the dense growth of trees. The limbs twisted and tangled overhead, forming a sort of tunnel that shielded them from everything else. In that space, surrounded by dense foliage bedecked in flame-colored leaves that had not yet given over to the bare limbs of winter, it was as if they were all alone in a city of people numbering into the hundreds of thousands, if not more.
“They are fairly minimal,” Lilly answered. “To be perfectly truthful, other than the couple I worked for prior to taking the position with your grandmother, I’ve never known a married couple well enough to judge their state of accord. Do not ever strike me. If our relationship sours and you do wish to take lovers, do so discreetly enough that I will not be humiliated by it, and grant me enough independence that I might not feel inclined to rebellion.”
He frowned. “That is a very short list.”
“It is. But to me, those are the only things I would ever deem unforgivable,” she said. “Anything else, I imagine we can work out if we’ve a mind to try.”
“So we can,” he agreed.
“Well, I’ve presented my conditions and my expectations. But we’ve only covered your expectations,” Lilly said. “I would think you would have conditions of your own on our arrangement, Val?”
He cast a sidelong glance in her direction, one that was rather speculative and perhaps a bit wicked. It left her tingling in its wake, as he said, “You said you wouldn’t be a meek society wife. Well, I don’t intend to be a boorish society husband. I also have no intention of being the polite sort who will spare you the duties of the marriage bed. And I hope very much not to be the sort of husband that would make such duties seem onerous. I need an heir, Lilly, and that requires the consummation of our union… likely more than once.”
That was a much more forthright and direct answer than she’d expected on what should have been a terribly delicate matter. It left her feeling flustered but also very curious. “Oh, well… that is to say, I really have no notion how to respond to that.”
He smiled. “No, I don’t suppose you do. But I imagine we have a few days before we stand before whatever parson is unlucky enough to be given the duty of seeing us wed. I think perhaps we should use that time wisely and you may acquaint yourself with some of the lesser intimacies of marriage.”
That sounded quite shocking and also impossibly tempting. “What did you have in mind?”
“Only that you let me kiss you again… every day. Just as I did last night,” he said.
Her heart began to beat faster. “That’s all? Just a kiss?” As if that were such a small and inconsequential thing! It had been one kiss from him that had robbed her of the rejection and set down she’d intended to blast him with on the previous evening. If not for that kiss, she’d still be just a companion and he’d still be hunting for a bride.
“Until you want more than a kiss.” There was a wealth of promise in that statement. He looked at her as if he could see straight through to the heart of her and knew, even in that moment, just as she did, that a kiss would never be enough.
Her breath caught and she felt the heat building inside her. “You are very certain of yourself.”
“I know what I felt when I kissed you, Lilly,” he said, and stepped forward.
Almost against her will, Lillian backed away, but not out of fear of him. She feared herself and the response she had to him much more. He was the embodiment of temptation, of every wicked and half-formed fantasy she’d ever had. When the girls at her school had whispered in the night about kisses and passionate embraces as they poured over the more lurid passages of contraband gothic novels, the man who’d lingered in her mind then had been faceless and unknown. No more. Valentine Somers had conquered those dreams, stamping that faceless memory out and putting himself in place there forever more.
He continued, “And I know what you felt, as well. My belief is a simple one… passion can exist without love, but love cannot exist without passion. If we deny that aspect of our relationship, we deny ourselves the opportunity to have so much more than simply an arrangement.”
She only stopped because her back was against a tree and there was nowhere left to go. Still, he advanced, not stopping until they stood so close that her breasts were crushed against the hard wall of his chest and she
could feel his thighs against hers even through the layers of their clothing. “This is quite improper.”
“You don’t like rules,” he reminded her.
“I don’t have a problem with every rule,” she hedged.
Those were the last words that escaped her before his lips descended on hers once more. Where the kiss the night before had been a thing of gentleness, even as it had overwhelmed her with sensation, this was a different thing altogether. It was hard, his lips moving over hers forcefully, demanding entrance which she granted. She was helpless to do anything else. Her own need to know where it could lead drove her. He didn’t hurt her, but he gave no quarter. There was no concession to her innocence or inexperience. He kissed her as if she knew precisely where it would take them. It felt hungry, as if he would devour her right there on the spot. And heaven help her, she wanted him to.
Her arms closed about him without conscious thought, holding him close and clinging to him for purchase all at once. Surely, weak as her knees had become, she could not support her own weight. And he drew closer still, pressing her fully against the tree, mindless of the rough bark as he nipped at her lips with his teeth. Unable to do anything else, she returned every stroke of his tongue, every scrape of his teeth upon her lips. And then he was pulling himself away from her, his lips coasting along her jaw and down the column of her neck. It was as if every part of her had come roaring to life. Her heart pounded and her breath quickened, as if there simply wasn’t enough air to be had. She could feel the blood rushing in her veins and she could feel him. Everywhere. The weight and press of him, the rough texture of his whiskers on her skin, the heat of his mouth, all of it simply consumed her.
A sound escaped her, half-sob and half-plea. She knew not which, nor did she care. But as abruptly as their kiss had begun, he tore himself away from her. He strode several paces away, his breathing heavy and ragged as was her own. Then she heard it. The slight snap of twigs. Someone was near. Someone had seen them.
Barefoot in Hyde Park (The Hellion Club Book 2) Page 6
