Nick jumped and yanked his arm away. “What are you doing?” he asked.
“What am I doing?” she demanded, clasping her hands together. “I’m not the one who just picked the other one off their feet and jumped into the pool, almost kissing them, then sat down close by and rubbed my arm and leg against theirs.” She lifted her eyebrows, challenging him, praying he’d admit that he simply couldn’t resist her.
Instead he pushed a hand through his hair and stared out across the pool, watching the toddlers playing with their moms. “I’m sorry,” he finally said.
“Sorry?”
He glanced at her. “I’m giving you mixed signals and that’s not fair.” He pushed out a heavy breath. “It’s better if we’re just friends.”
“Better for whom?” She kept her voice level when she wanted to scream that she was done with the ‘friends’ line.
“You,” he said quietly.
“What?” she exploded. “I don’t want to be ‘just friends’. That’s stupidity. I want you.” Her eyes widened as she realized what she’d just said and how it had exploded out of her in a public swimming pool of all places.
Nick didn’t seem to care about the location. His eyes were steady on her face, and he looked so full of conflict, even though she was upset about his stupid ’just friends‘ line, her heart went out to him.
He shook his head, and her heart threatened to break. “I can’t, Mare,” he said in a deep, remorseful voice.
Mary could feel, once again, the man she’d always wanted slipping through her fingertips. She wanted to beg, but she wasn’t going to. If he didn’t want her, she’d just have to deal with that. The disappointment and pain that seemed to slice through her were absolutely horrific.
Ignoring Nick, she swam away from him. It was a long pool yet he caught her easily. They swam side by side without saying anything. Mary ducked under the rope separating the diving area from the rest of the pool.
She pulled herself out of the water, walked in the chilly air to the diving board, and launched herself off the spring board. She tucked and dove smoothly into the pool. Surfacing, she blinked water out of her eyes and focused right on Nick. He was watching her steadily, his expression torn. She wanted to swim to him, hold him, comfort him, and reassure him they could work.
No. He was the one that said they couldn’t. This was on him and for some reason he thought he was protecting her by not being more than friends. She went off the diving board a few more times then floated on her back for a while soaking up the hot water and the sunshine, and all the while fighting to ignore Nick. He stared openly at her the entire time, simply treading water in the deeper part and watching her. With anyone else, it would be annoying or creepy, with Nick it gave her hope that he’d forget whatever made him not able to be with her and focus on how they could have a chance.
He finally swam up to her and said quietly, “Are you ready to go?”
She nodded, swam to the edge of the pool, hurried to the locker room, rinsed off, and put her clothes back on. Her skin felt tight and sticky. She’d have to shower again when they got back to the cabin. Exiting the locker room she saw Nick waiting for her. They walked silently to the car and loaded up. She pulled out her phone to check any emails and texts quickly before they were out of service again. It was a nice excuse to not have to stress about Nick and how hot and cold he was being with her.
She dealt with emails first, but everything was looking pretty good with work stuff. Pulling up her texts as they drove out of town, she saw one from her mom saying that Blake had stopped by to ask for her this morning but everything had been quiet since, and he’d been very cordial with her. That was good. Maybe he would figure out Mary was gone and bug out.
She pulled up Chelsea’s text and read it quickly, That makes no sense. The way Nick was professing his love to your closed door last night had me thinking you two would be all kinds of in love before you came back home.
Mary jolted.
“You okay?” Nick asked quietly.
Mary stared at him. Professing his love to my closed door? What on earth. His love? Really? Was Chelsea exaggerating or were Nick’s feelings as strong as hers, but for some reason he could tell her closed door but not tell her? She was so confused.
“Fine,” Mary said shortly to Nick. She started typing fast and furious, asking Chelsea to clarify and telling her sister how oddly Nick had been acting: flirtatious and almost like he wanted to kiss her one minute, cold the next, fake happy the next.
Staring at her phone she waited for her sister’s response, and hopefully insight, but no little dots indicating she was typing appeared. They were climbing higher into the mountains, and she only had one bar of service. She bit at her lip, clinging to the phone and praying for a response. Then it came: No service.
“No!” Mary cried out before she could help herself.
“Mare?” Nick asked.
Her gaze swung to him. She wanted to yell at him, demand he tell her what he was thinking, if he cared for her, if they had any chance of getting together. Yet who knew how deep the damage from those scars went and if she had any hope of being part of his healing process. So far he didn’t act like he would let her in.
She slid her phone into her bag and stared moodily out the window. The trees were thick and green and beautiful. She hardly saw the picturesque setting as she gritted her teeth and wished she knew how to approach Nick.
Chapter Ten
They reached the cabin, unloaded the groceries and supplies, and then Mary excused herself to shower again. Nick hurried to exit the cabin before that shower started. Once a day was more than enough torture. He took the supplies outside and started setting up perimeter sensors, and then installed some cameras. Normally the camera feed would go to his phone but without service it wasn’t very effective. He had a monitor that he put in the kitchen where it would be easily accessible.
The entire time he worked in the crisp spring air he cussed himself. He’d wanted so badly to quiz Mary down about what had upset her in the car when she’d been looking at her phone, but he recognized he had no right to be asking her questions when he wasn’t willing to answer hers.
This was becoming an uncomfortable mess fast. He thought he could bluff through today with smiles and jokes, but then he quickly fell prey to how much he cared for Mary, how drawn he was to her, and he’d almost kissed her in the pool. He was a disaster, and it wasn’t fair to her.
He finished everything he could do with security and didn’t know what to do with himself. He cleared dead branches away from the cabin’s yard area then cleaned out the fire pit then chopped some more wood trying to push the nightmare away but even more to keep himself from running to Mary. The sun was dipping toward the mountains when he finally went in. Mary was in her bedroom with the door closed. Nick’s shoulders sagged. He had to admit to himself how much he wanted to see her bright smile, tease and laugh with her. She was such a beacon of light to him.
He took a long shower and when he exited saw that her bedroom door was open and delicious scents were floating from downstairs. Nick’s stomach grumbled. He rushed to pull on a t-shirt and joggers before heading down the stairs.
Mary was in the kitchen, looking beautiful in a fitted t-shirt and pants, sautéing veggies in a pan. She glanced up when he walked in but didn’t give him her radiant smile. “Hungry?”
“Starved. What can I do to help?”
She shrugged. “You could cut up some of the fruit if you want. The chicken has another twenty minutes to bake.”
“Okay.” He forced a smile and started pulling fresh fruit out of the fridge. They worked side by side without saying much then sat down and ate the delicious barbecue chicken, rice, veggies, and fruit without saying anything at all. Nick hated this. He and Mary had always been great friends, chatting about everything and nothing. There had never been this stiffness between them. Yet what did he expect? He knew he wasn’t capable of a normal relationship, not with the demons he fough
t after he had the nightmare, the guilt he couldn’t rid himself of. Joe claimed he was doing well, and he hadn’t been as irritable or easily angered lately. Maybe if he had more time to heal he could be worthy of Mary?
They cleaned up the dinner, and Nick had no clue what to do with this miserable night. The selfish part of him wanted to brush his teeth, talk Mary into snuggling through a movie then finally get brave enough to kiss her. The sane part of him knew that wasn’t fair to her, or really to him. He thought back to how intensely he’d reacted when she’d barely kissed him on the cheek. If he kissed her he’d be so invested, walking away might be impossible. It was really hard with her so close to remember his reasons for staying away. The nightmare last night and how rudely he’d treated her should be all the motivation he needed, but Mary had more power over him than even the nightmare did. That was enlightening and terrifying at the same time. Could Mary help him conquer his pain? Was it fair to ask that of her?
Mary finished wiping the counter and hung the rag over the sink. She turned to him. “So this is misery.”
Nick smiled. He couldn’t help it. “Yeah,” he agreed.
“Are we going to talk about it?”
Nick didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t reveal how much he simply wanted to forget about his issues and be with her. He leaned against the counter and shrugged. “What is there to say?”
Mary’s eyebrows rose and sparks lit her dark eyes. “I would think you have a whole lot to say.”
Nick splayed his hands. “Mare, I don’t think rehashing all the reasons I’m not worthy of you is going to help anything right now.”
She strode toward him, looking glorious in her anger. Nick stood his ground, only because his mama hadn’t raised any wimps. She poked him in the chest. “The Nick Strong I knew was so confident he wouldn’t have been able to think of one reason he wasn’t worthy of any woman in the world.”
Nick caught her hand, holding its softness against his chest. “The Nick Strong you knew was an idiot …” He lowered his voice and admitted, “There’s only one woman in the world I want, and I’m not worthy of her.”
“Why?” she demanded, her brow squiggling. She edged in closer to him, and her delicious vanilla scent infused his senses. This was not going the way it should. He should just apologize, because he was still an idiot, and walk away.
Instead he said, “I’m damaged goods, Mare. My body, my mind, I’m trying to work through it, but …”
Mary’s eyes lost their fire and compassion filled them. “I can’t imagine what you went through, Nick. I’m sorry you were hurt so badly.”
“Thank you.” Some insane part of him wanted to share about the friends he’d lost, confide in her like he hadn’t confided in anyone but his therapist. If he took in her light would it shine through him, or would he dim her light and joy, ruining her happiness? He couldn’t do that to Mary.
Her voice dropped, and she looked up at him from beneath her thick eyelashes. “Is there any hope that we could work through it … together?”
Nick drew in a sharp breath. If only dreams like that could come true. He shook his head and dropped her hand. “It means a lot to me that you would want to help, but I think it’s better for you if we just stay friends and don’t get into the deep stuff.” He was scared, plain and simple. What would Mary think of him if she knew that he cried at night when he had the nightmare? He didn’t want her to see how weak and broken he was. Yet the weak part was begging him to let her in, let her help. Mary had power no one but the good Lord had and Nick had turned his back on Him after the explosion.
Mary’s eyes lit up again, and she moved in even closer. “Then why did you profess your love to my bedroom door last night?”
Nick’s heart missed a beat, and then raced out of control as if desperate to catch up. “Pardon me?” he asked, trying to show good manners as he played dumb.
“No.” She shook her head, so cute and impertinent. “I won’t ‘pardon you’. I think you’re interested in me, but you’re being a wimp about it for some reason.”
His neck tightened and jaw clenched. “Of course I’m interested in you,” he exploded. “What man in his right mind wouldn’t be interested in you?”
“You’re not just some man to me, Nick. You’re the man I want.” As soon as she said the words she caught her breath and bit at her lip, as if nervous how he would react.
“Oh, Mare …” Every instinct was telling him to pull her close, kiss away all the pain and worry, promise that he’d be there for her until the end of time. His pride and worries about his mental state held him back. How could he be so selfish as to want to saddle Mary with his issues? “I can’t. You don’t understand.” He couldn’t explain. His pain and darkness would just tarnish and hurt her. He cared far too deeply for Mary, loved her in fact, he wouldn’t do this to her.
Mary simply stared at him. She pursed her lips, and then she backed away and strode toward the front entryway and the stairs. “I’m going hot tubbing,” she said all saucy and cute. “You coming?”
She disappeared up the stairs. Nick passed a hand over his face. What had just happened? Mary had backed down from dragging the truth out of him. Had he dodged a bullet or was he in more trouble than he even understood?
Hot tubbing? He shouldn’t. He should go barricade himself in his room and pray he could sleep without the nightmare tonight and with how guilty he felt about selfishly wanting Mary and not knowing how to make things work between them.
He closed his eyes and said a brief, desperate prayer for help. His eyes flew open and shock overwhelmed him. What was he doing? What was happening to him? He was uncertain that the Lord would even listen, even care anymore, but instead of forcing it all away he paused, waiting, listening.
Long, agonizing seconds passed and his mind remained dark, the heavens closed. No glorious answers came, but what did he expect? Immediate rays from above because Nick Strong had said his first prayer in months?
He turned toward the stairs. His shoulders slumped and his heart ached for Mary. He had no clue which path he should take, and as had become his norm of late, nobody from above seemed to care.
Chapter Eleven
Mary slid into the damp swimsuit, surveying herself in the mirror as she piled her hair on top of her head, so she wouldn’t have to wash it again.
She wished she would’ve just forced answers from Nick downstairs, but he’d looked so apprehensive and uncertain. She wanted him to tell her about his experiences, to trust her. Somehow help alleviate his pain. She didn’t want to drag it out and beg him to love her. At the same time she’d had an idea, possibly inspired from heaven. Possibly. Here was praying it worked to show him how deeply she cared, without him feeling threatened.
She walked out of her bedroom and noticed the bathroom door was closed. Tempted to just camp out here until he had to face her, she forced herself to walk down the stairs and wait in the kitchen by the laundry room entrance that led to the back patio and the hot tub.
Long, uncertain seconds ticked by. Would he come or would he ditch her? Her feet were cold on the tile floor and the damp suit was chilling her, but she’d wait all night if it meant a chance with Nick. Footsteps came on the stairs; she could see his bare legs through the slats in the stairs. Hope made her heart flutter with excitement.
Nick rounded the corner from the staircase and walked slowly toward her. He was wearing the floral shorts and swim shirt as she’d thought he would. His dark eyes were still conflicted: he wanted to be with her but he was scared. What was he scared of? Commitment? Rejection? She wished she knew what he’d been through so she could know how to help him. Because of him pushing her away last night, she knew he was hiding a lot of pain and agony. She said a silent prayer for help and understanding. She’d give anything to be there for him.
When he reached her, he gave her a big grin, a fake smile she recognized was covering his true feelings. He inclined his head toward the back patio and said, “You just didn’t ge
t enough of being in hot water today?”
“Ha. I’m always in hot water.” She winked and stepped closer.
Nick’s eyes widened slightly, he shifted his weight, as if she was making him uncomfortable, but thankfully he didn’t back away.
She grabbed the bottom of his swim shirt and his grin disappeared. She didn’t move to pull it off, but she eased even closer and whispered, “You don’t need this. It’s me, your friend. The scars don’t bother me.” She wanted him to know she accepted everything about him.
Nick’s pulse was thrumming quickly in his neck, and he simply stared at her. She didn’t know if he was mad at her or affected by her closeness. She wrapped her palms around his waist, relishing the strength of his muscular abdomen. Nick pulled in a quick breath.
“Mare,” he said in a warning sort of voice.
Mary bit at her lip and stared up into his handsome face. She lifted her left hand and traced her fingers along the scar from his temple, across his cheek, and then down his neck. He let her, not flinching from her touch, but not relaxing either. Was this going to work or was he going to tell her to back off and become more guarded than ever?
She tiptoed her fingers along his neck and under the swim shirt. Nick closed his eyes, as if steeling himself from her touch.
“I accept you, I want you, all of you,” she said carefully, slowly.
His eyes flew opened and he stared at her, not giving her much indication if she was getting through.
“The scars and the smooth, perfect parts, it doesn’t matter to me, Nick, only you.” She lifted her right hand and put it over his heart. “What’s inside of you is what matters to me. Not your tough body.” She smiled slightly. “Though, I thoroughly appreciate your toughness.”
Nick lifted his hand and wrapped it around hers where it rested on his chest. “There’s so much you don’t know about me anymore, Mare. Are you sure …” His voice got low and gravelly. “Are you sure you want to know?”
The Strong Family Romance Collection Page 85
