“Did she freak out because you spat on the house and cursed the old man?” he laughed.
“I didn’t actually do that,” I protested. “You’re a lot of help here,” I shook my head.
“Did you explain things to her yet? Tell her why you broke up with her all those years ago? I know it still bugs you. You still bring it up. I think you need to tell her.”
I shook my head.
“You gotta tell her what really happened, man. It’s the only way you’re ever going to move past this,” Greg said.
“She isn’t ever going to forgive me. Especially not if I tell her what happened. Because I was manipulating her. That’s how she’ll see it. I took the decision out of her hands to set her free and to spare my own feelings.”
“Did you spare your feelings though? Because you puked, remember?”
“Yeah, I love when you mention that.”
“It’s obvious you’ve never moved on. No offense, but you need to get closure or whatever. That means you have to face her. Whether you like it or not.”
“Obviously I don’t like it. But I’ll consider it. Now tell me more about the city life in Chicago. Do you hang out at the Stock Exchange and eat deep dish pizza every night?”
“Of course. That’s what we all do in Chicago. Every single day. And we ride those tour boats on the river.”
“Perfect. Just like I imagined.”
“We’re trying to get pregnant,” Greg said.
“Oh. Okay. How’s that—going?”
“So far, nothing but practice,” he said.
“When did you decide you wanted kids?”
“I always wanted kids. Then in January or February, Katie started talking like she might want to have one or two after all. I never pressured her or anything, but, you know, I was pretty excited. We both got physicals done, made sure we’re in good shape. So now we count days and she pees on ovulation sticks and we time everything.”
“Like how fast you can get it up?” I laughed.
“No. What days we’re allowed to have sex.”
“So its—the opposite of fun,” I said. “I thought trying meant you had a bunch of sex and hope for the best.”
“That’s not actually how science works, man.”
“You’re the one that went to college, not me, bro,” I said.
I thought about it, my brother and sister-in-law with a kid. A little niece or nephew to spoil. I’d pretty much love that, and I’d be going to Chicago a lot more often once they had a baby. It felt exciting, but a little bittersweet.
“You know Mom will be thrilled to have a grandbaby. She may move in with you.”
“Don’t you think Dad would have something to say about that?”
“I don’t know if anyone could stop her,” I chuckled.
9
Michelle
Monday afternoon, I was racking returns for my volunteer to shelve when Drew showed up at the reference desk. I felt that same thrill run through me when I inhaled that spicy cologne and the hint of motor oil that he always smelled like.
“What’re you doing here?” I asked. “I mean—can I help you with something?”
“I did learn how to read,” he teased. “I wanted to know if you have any books on repairing electric and hybrid cars.”
“I’ll check the computer, but I’m not sure we do. We’re a little behind the curve on tech here, and the budget’s stretched thin.”
“I’m looking to expand into working on hybrids and full electric vehicles. It seems like it’s the trend, and before I take classes on how to fix them, I want to build a knowledge base. Teach myself how to fix certain things first. And I don’t just trust YouTube to teach me everything.”
“I see. It looks like there are a couple of newer books in our library system that I can put on hold for you and they’ll be here Wednesday or Thursday.”
“I’ll be glad to pay for them.”
“No, you won’t have to. They’re interlibrary loans. We borrow them for free. You get them for two weeks, and you can renew twice before I have to send them back.”
“What if I want to keep one of them?” he teased.
“Then order it off Amazon,” I said. “Or the independent bookstores online. I like to order from indies, support the mom and pop bookstores instead of lining the billionaire’s pockets,” I said. “There, I put in the order for them. Somebody will give you a call when they come in.”
“Don’t you need my number?” he said.
I felt a heavy blush steal across my face. He was not offering to give me his number, he was leaving his number at the library’s circulation desk to be notified of the arrival of his interlibrary loan. I wanted to kick myself again.
“Do you have a library card? If so, the number’s in the system.”
“I should have one on file. I came in one time last year and signed up.”
“Okay. I don’t remember.”
“You weren’t here,” he said. “I remember that.”
I wondered if he waited to come in at a time I wasn’t working so he didn’t have to deal with me. I felt a pang at the thought. I remembered the heavy slant of his handwriting, the way he gripped a pen, and my mouth went dry. He was always intense in his concentration and I had benefited from that more than once. Being under his hands, under his gaze had been the most perfect thing in my life.
“Thanks,” he said, and turned to go. I was digging my nails into my palm. I wanted to call to him, make him come back. I guess so I could sit awkwardly on my wheelie chair and not know what to say for a little while longer and smell his cologne and eat my damn heart out.
Then he turned around, “Hey, would you want to go grab a beer with me sometime after work?”
I stared at him.
“I’d really like to talk,” Drew said. “Tomorrow at seven?”
“Sure,” I said, blurting it out before I could think about it. “I get off work at seven. So 7:15.”
“Looking forward to it.”
Then he walked out of the library and left me wondering what the hell I just agreed to. Were we going out to catch up like old friends? Going on a date? I didn’t want to reminisce about old times with him—reminiscing would lead to two possible outcomes: homicide or orgasms and I didn’t have the time or bandwidth to deal with either one.
10
Drew
I came in at six-thirty and staked out the corner booth, the one that was the most private. I sipped my beer and waited.
At 7:15 on the dot I saw Michelle, looking nervous and walking toward me. She was wearing a sleeveless dress, bright blue like her eyes, and her blonde hair was twisted up in some kind of clip. A few wisps had escaped and clung to her neck and her temple in the evening heat. She was beautiful, and the fact that I saw her bite her lip showed me she was as anxious as I was. She slid into the booth across from me and held her purse in her lap like she’d held the tote bag in my truck the other day.
“Hey,” I said. “I’m not gonna bite you.”
“It’s just a little awkward,” she said. She didn’t meet my eyes.
“Chel,” I said, using my old nickname for me that made her blush, my body heating with the memory of when I had groaned my name, shouted it, whispered it while I moved inside of her. Even now, I said it in a way that affected her, something tender on the edges of the sound. Her eyes were bright.
A waitress came by and I ordered a drink, grateful for the interruption.
“I heard from Damon how great your kids’ reading program is. Tell me about that, just start off easy. There’s no pressure here,” I said.
“I started a few years ago with a preschool storytime every week and I did a little craft with them afterward that went with the story. Just cute Pinterest kind of stuff. It got to where I had to start doing it two times a week because there was a demand for it and there were more people bringing kids than I really had room for in one session. This last week we did Clifford the big dog, and then I did Biscuit, which is the lit
tle yellow dog in the early reader books.”
“Sounds fun. What are you doing next week?”
“Mittens the Cat and Cookie’s Week.”
“Cookie’s Week? I remember reading that as a kid. He falls in the toilet, right?” I chuckled.
“Yeah,” she said with half a smile, “that gets the kids every time. You say toilet and they go off like a powder keg.”
“A real crowd pleaser then. And democratic of you to do a week of cats after a week of dogs,” I said.
“I like to give them equal time,” I joked. “I was always a dog person, but I’ve gotten used to my cats.”
“Why? Because they’re quieter?”
“Maybe. Or maybe because I like to have a pet to cuddle with. That’s what we do, you know. Single women of a certain age. Spinsters,” she said, and her voice was rueful. That’s what she thought? That she was ready to give it up and be single forever? I shook my head. Then she went on, “I hear the garage is doing great. How’s your brother?”
“Greg’s good. He was just in town last weekend for my dad’s birthday.”
“Where’s Greg at now? I knew he got married.”
“Yeah, he and Katie got married about eight or nine years ago and then they moved to Chicago a few years ago for her job, and she has family there.”
“That’s great. I went there to a library convention a couple of times. It’s a neat city. There’s a terrific art museum,” she said.
“So I hear. I’ve been there to visit them a few times. Never went to the museum though. I guess I’m not the cultured type. I tried the pizza and the hot dogs, though, and liked them,” I said. I felt a little down, admitting it never occurred to me to visit a museum while I was there. That was the kind of thing she liked, the kind of thing that well-educated people with rich upbringings like her would go do. I went to a ball game with my brother, won fifty bucks playing darts in an Irish pub afterward.
“I’m glad he’s doing well. How’re your parents?”
“They’re good. They went on a cruise last year, and they loved it. Came home all sunburned and talking about the big buffets on the ship,” I said with a grin. “You know, my mom never got over you.”
We both stopped and looked at each other. She picked up her purse, visibly uncomfortable, “I think I should go.”
I reached across the table and put my hand on her arm. “Please stay,” I said.
11
Michelle
Drew’s hand was on my arm. My brain went completely offline, and electricity was zigzagging all around my body. I wanted to think it was because I hadn’t been touched in a while, but I knew that was a lie. It was because Drew’s hand, callouses and all, was on my arm. His hand felt big and rough and hot, and I squirmed a little, knowing how I was reacting to him.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll watch myself.”
“It’s okay,” I said, when he took his hand away.
“No, it’s not okay at all. That’s part of the reason I asked you to come here. To talk about what happened between us.”
“What’s the rest of the reason you asked me?” I inquired, wanting very much to know if he had wanted to see me or if this was him doing some kind of twelve-step program where he had to make amends.
“I missed you. I wanted to see you and talk to you. But we do need to talk about what happened between us, how we ended things. It’s way past time to address it.”
I held up a hand. “No, it’s been a long time. This isn’t necessary,” I said. I felt defensive, like the last thing I wanted to do was what Nicole had told me I needed to. I didn’t think I could stand to hear him list all the reasons he hadn’t wanted to be with me so I would be perfectly clear on how undesirable I was to him.
“It’s necessary. Please, Chel. Hear me out,” he said.
I nodded and took a drink.
“I screwed up,” he said. “You were about to graduate. You were going off to school soon. You were so smart, and you were always destined for great things, you know? And I knew you were going to college and you were going to meet better people than me, somebody who wasn’t a grease monkey with dirty fingernails and no future. So instead of waiting around for you to find someone else and have to let me down easy—and especially instead of you deciding to stick around and go to community college to be near me when you deserved better—I lied to you. I stopped the car and we got out because if we stayed in the car another second I would’ve started kissing you. I would’ve begged you to let me make love to you again. I was shaking all over. It made me sick to lie to you, but I had to let you go. Let you have a chance at a better life and be free.”
I felt my face get hot, and tears stung my eyes. I was so furious I could feel the edges of my vision going dark. I wanted to slap him as hard as I could.
“If you think that is supposed to make me feel better about what happened, you’re wrong. You should’ve let this go, Drew,” I said. I grabbed my purse and left.
Anger flowed through me. I stomped out of the bar and onto the sidewalk. He had ruined everything and I was supposed to feel sorry for him because he thought he was protecting me? That was bullshit of the first order.
12
Drew
I threw money on the table and followed her out. I knew the truth wouldn’t make her happy, but she deserved to know, and I wanted to make sure she was all right. It was a shitty thing to do, and I wanted a chance to apologize to her also. I felt hot all over, gripped by the urge to chase her down, grab her, demand that she listen to me and hear me out. I tried to restrain that impulse. I caught up to her on the sidewalk.
“Please stop. Stop,” I said.
Michelle whirled on me, fury in her eyes.
“I’m sorry I lied to you. And that I waited so long to tell you the truth. I’m sure it’s frustrating—"
“Frustrating? Really?” she demanded, eyes flashing with fire. “Try enraging instead.”
“I don’t understand why you’re enraged,” I said to her.
“Oh really? Well, for one thing, you obviously didn’t think too highly of me if you thought I’d dump you for someone ‘better’,” she said, whipping out the air quotes to show her disgust. “But the main reason is that you didn’t have any right to make that decision for me!”
Michelle spun on her heel to walk away from me. I dodged around her, took her arm. I needed her to hear me, to hear how much it tore me up at the time and how I know it was the wrong choice, “I’m sorry. You’re right. I was stupid and scared, and I shouldn’t have lied to you and taken away your choices. I thought I was making this grand sacrifice, letting you go. But you’re wrong about me not thinking highly of you. I thought the world of you, Chel. I always have.”
Her blue eyes lifted to meet mine, and I felt like I was falling into them, into some galaxy I couldn’t explain. I slid my hand down her arm and took her hand in mine. She laced her fingers through mine and held on, her gaze never wavering.
“I loved you. And you threw that away. You threw me away. When you were the only person who ever saw me for who I was and loved me for it—or at least I thought you did. But you took that from me, and made me question that trust, and if I could even trust myself and my own judgment. Like, maybe you never really cared about me at all.”
“Christ, Chel. You can’t believe that!” I felt all the anguish coming off of her, and I wanted to scream or punch something or channel this huge, horrible despair I felt into something more manageable like anger instead of a chasm of sadness. “Please. You have to know I loved you. I’ve never loved anyone in my whole life the way I loved you. It kills me that I ruined it. It was never that I didn’t want to be with you. But I swear to God, it was real,” I ground out.
I leaned in and kissed her, pressing my lips against hers the way I used to do, teasing and sweet. She stayed stiff, didn’t give me the slightest response. I caught her upper lip between mine, locked lips with her. “Do you remember this?” I whispered aga
inst her mouth, “do you?”
Michelle pulled her hand out of mine and wrapped her arms around my neck, stretched to reach me better as our lips met. I folded her in my arms, lifting her a little off the ground and parting her lips. I worked my tongue into her mouth, fire whipping through me, merciless and lush at the same time. I was shaking with how it felt—like coming home. Like I’d walk through hell to get back her, like old times, if old times were a place where everything made sense.
I nipped at her lips and teased her with my tongue, then let her slide her tongue in my mouth and kiss me back. She went all in, shaking me to the core with a sensual, passionate kiss that went on and on. Our bodies remembered each other—and it all came flooding back. I couldn’t believe I’d gone so long without this, without her and the way she made me feel. Holding her closer, kissing her, I felt her trembling. Molding her body to mine, remembering how tiny she was, barely five foot one, and the way her curves had fleshed out, the fullness of her body in my arms was ecstasy all on its own. I loved having an armful of her, to know that the sweet, barely-there curves of the girl I had loved were now overflowing and I’d give anything to taste them, to have her in my lap now the way we used to do.
Madness had taken hold of me with that kiss. I couldn’t stop. I set her on her feet just so I could cup her face in my hands and kiss her more deeply. Her fingers combed through my hair, shorter now but, God, the feeling was the same, the tingle in my scalp, the tension snapping in my body. I stroked her cheek, ate at her lips, kissing back and forth, nipping and tasting each other with such intensity, like it had been forever that we had been apart.
13
Michelle
The sharp slam of a car door startle me. I broke away from him, hot and lightheaded. Backing up, I put a hand to my mouth. I couldn’t believe we’d just kissed. I couldn’t believe that it felt like no time had passed, like he’d had his tongue in my mouth every damn day for the last almost-twenty years instead of the lifetime we’d been apart. It had been thrilling, blissful, heady as a drug. I was shaking all over. If I thought it had been sexy and alarming when our fingers brushed over a check, this was off the charts. I backed away another step.
Falling in Love: A Secret Baby Romance (Rockford Falls Romance) Page 5
