“Awww,” Trixie said, “see, I told you he’s not a bad guy.”
“Yeah, well I had to excuse myself to pee and when I came back from the bathroom, I could hear him talking to his brother.”
“Was he talking about some other girl having a nice ass? Because they all check out other women,” Trixie remarked, “just cause they’re taken don’t mean they’re dead.” She laughed.
“No. I overheard him tell Greg that marriage and kids were never in the cards for him,” I confessed. Then I swallowed hard to keep from crying. “He doesn’t want us. Not me, and not my baby. He couldn’t have made it clearer if he wore a t-shirt that had it printed on it.”
“That’s a very specific t-shirt. I doubt it would sell much,” Nicole said. “And you don’t know the context of what he was talking about. Remember when I saw Noah leave the bar after that girl, and then I assumed they went home together? I made myself sick over it and I was convinced he was just using me for sex. And I was wrong.”
“I was there. I remember,” Trixie said thoughtfully, “and it did look bad.”
“The point is I was completely wrecked over it, but you can’t be sure that what you think you heard was the whole story. Ask him. You need to talk to him.”
“I can’t. I have too much at stake, and I’m scared to hear the answer. Because he’s going to try to explain it away when I know what I heard. He’d just be sugar coating it to make it sound better when the truth is, he told his brother he doesn’t want to have kids or get married. I never want to trap him into a relationship or raising a kid together or anything. I’d know in my heart that he didn’t this and I forced it on him. It would be just like when he decided we should break up and dumped me. I’d be deciding we should be a family and making him be a father when he doesn’t want it.”
“Or, it’s possible what you’re doing now is just like what he did to you. Deciding you know what’s best for him and what he really wants. Without asking him,” Trixie suggested.
I shook my head. “I know what I heard. I know what I felt. It sickens me to think of it, of how ready I was to tell him and see how he reacted, face his disappointment or even his anger, but once I heard that, I knew I had my answer.”
“You don’t have an answer till you ask a question, sweetie,” Trixie insisted.
“I’m done. I can’t tell him. It was probably lucky for me I overheard. It saves me having to watch him lie to my face to try and spare my feelings. He would swear up and down that he wants me and the baby. Even though he’d feel trapped and miserable. I won’t ruin his life. I’m having this baby because I want to. That doesn’t have to tie him to us. I’m going to cut my losses and raise the baby on my own. At least I’m not in limbo anymore, wondering how he’ll react,” I said. I felt so weary, and that half a bagel I ate was churning in my stomach.
“I don’t feel good,” I said, sniffing and heading for the bathroom. “I’m not going to the market today. I’m sorry. Go ahead without me.”
26
Drew
I gave her space. Three whole damn days of space. I’d crossed over from being smug about what a mature and understanding boyfriend I was to the verge of panic. Was Michelle ghosting me? Was this some kind of karma? I broke her heart in high school, and maybe this is what I got. I got the love of my life back and then lost her again. It felt horrible. My throat went tight when I thought about it.
After texting her a couple times and trying to call her, I’d left a voicemail but she didn’t call back. And I knew her. She always had her phone with her. She worked in a library, not an emergency room. I was hurt and confused. I was bordering on pissed off.
I never wanted to be that guy who went to her work to track her down. It was intrusive and a little creepy. Under normal circumstances I never would’ve considered it. But she was stonewalling me. No communication at all. I went to Trixie’s flower shop to pick up a bouquet for Michelle and maybe see if I could get any idea from her best friend about what the hell was going on in my relationship. It was a last ditch attempt to get any idea of the problem so I went in knowing what I was facing. Michelle was mad or hurt or both. I had to find out why. Maybe being armed with flowers would help.
At the flower shop, some girl I didn’t know checked me out when I got a bouquet of orange lilies. Trixie was on the phone, gave me a wave but didn’t meet my eyes. That wasn’t very enlightening, but it solidified that something was up. In my desperation, I went and picked up her favorite pizza and a six pack of beer and went to her house. I had to know what was going on. Things had been going so well and I had no idea what changed. I knocked on her door, feeling nervous.
When she finally opened the door after taking forever, she didn’t look at my face. She looked somewhere in the vicinity of my right shoulder to avoid my eyes. That was bad and I knew it.
“Hey,” I said when she didn’t speak. “I brought a peace offering. I don’t know what’s up, but I want to talk it out. I miss you.”
I held out the pizza and indicated the lilies. She shook her head. Her face looked pale and her eyes were red like she’d been crying. It wrenched something in my chest to see her so sad.
“It’s not a good time,” she said.
“Please,” I said, clearing my throat. “Michelle. We have to talk. Whatever it is, we can fix it. What’s going on? Why are you shutting me out all of a sudden?”
“It isn’t any one thing. I just realize it isn’t going to work.”
“What the hell does that mean? ‘It’s not going to work?’ Not if you don’t let me in and talk to me, it isn’t. This is worth fighting for, Chel.”
“It means too much time has passed. We need to move on. I need to move on.”
“No way. That’s—"
“Just go, Drew. Please,” she said, her voice cold as ice.
I looked at her for a solid minute, reeling and silent, “You’re really going to do this? Just end it?”
“Goodbye,” she said. She shut the door before I could say anything else.
I felt like the biggest dumbass in the world with my flowers and pizza and beer. I turned around and walked off her porch. I thought about leaving the flowers so she’d find them on the doormat when she left in the morning but that felt—too much like I was a doormat. Too submissive. She’d just shut me out for good. I walked to the neighbor’s big black trash can out by the curb and dumped the pizza and lilies in. I wasn’t going to waste good beer. I took that home with me to drink while I stared at the wall and wondered what the fuck had gone wrong.
I was beyond confused. I was heartbroken. I felt physically sick and cold, like I’d just lost the only thing I couldn’t do without. Desolate, that was the word. Funny how you can remember some middle school vocabulary word out of nowhere because you finally understand exactly what it means.
27
Michelle
A whole week after I shut the door in his face and I still couldn’t sleep more than a couple hours at a time. I cried all the damn time when I was home. At work I could at least be distracted. Once I was at home I just sat on my bed and sniffed and went over every wonderful moment we’d shared in the last month and a half since we got back together. Even the really tough conversations had been beautiful in a way because I got to see how we had both matured and grown and how serious he was about being honest with me and working things out. I felt so ashamed for shutting him out, but I reminded myself that I chose this. I chose to raise my baby alone and the sadness I felt over giving him up was nothing to the shame and misery I’d feel if I’d trapped him into a life he never wanted.
If I missed him like crazy, maybe that part would go away eventually. I couldn’t tell him the truth knowing he didn’t want a family, didn’t want one now or ever. So I sat at Trixie’s during Ashton’s nap and we sipped iced tea on her porch swing and I told her how miserable I was.
“You know it’s going to be impossible,” Trixie said, not unkindly.
“Raising a baby in this town right und
er his nose and him not figuring out it’s his? Yeah. I don’t know how to do it. I guess I could—look for a different place to live, move away.”
“You don’t want to. Plus, you couldn’t raise your kid with mine and Nicole’s that way. Don’t think about chickening out and leaving your job and your friends to hide out. That’s no way to live. You’ve got to tell him you’re pregnant.”
“I don’t want him to feel obligated to be involved, Trixie. He would. He’d feel like he should marry me and give the baby his name and everything. His parents liked me, and he said his mom wants me to come to dinner, I mean before I dumped him he had said that at the diner when we were with Greg.”
“Do you really think a guy who doesn’t want to be with you long term would be inviting you hang out with his family?”
“I think he’s friendly, we’ve known each other a long time, and we weren’t sneaking around or anything. I think he invited me to dinner at his parents’ because he thought it was the right thing to do. That’s the thing with Drew. He wants to do the right thing all the time. It’s why he broke up with me before I went to college. He was looking out for what he thought was best for me even if it hurt him. And if he knew I was pregnant with his child, he’d do the ultimate right thing and marry me. Even though it was a huge sacrifice and not what made him happy. I couldn’t look him in the eye knowing I trapped him into this. I don’t want that.”
“I’m pretty sure he won’t just feel obligated, sweetie. He has loved you all his life. I bet he’d be happy. Either way he needs to know the truth.”
“You’re not gonna be able to keep this secret long-term, and even if you could, you wouldn’t be comfortable about it. I know you,” Nic said. “I know it’s really hard. I speak from experience. But I wish I had told Noah up front on my own terms instead of letting him hear it from a doctor.”
“In your defense you were kind of disoriented at the time from the accident,” I said, “it’s not like you planned it that way.”
“We love you and we’re here for you no matter what,” Trixie said, “you know that. So whatever happens, you’re not alone.”
“Thank you. For everything.” I said. “I’ll think about telling him.”
28
Drew
The Fourth of July dawned hot and sunny. The Rockford Falls annual picnic and parade was usually one of my favorite days of the year. This time my heart just wasn’t in it. The day carried a lot of baggage for me, really. That was where Michelle and I had our first kiss. In recent years, the parade had been a source of pride for me and for my family because Casey’s Garage was one of the gold level sponsors. We always did a float, passed out those cardboard fans printed with our ad on them, and threw candy to the kids as we rolled by with the tow truck decked out in streamers and signs. My mom and dad always come and they love it when I make a good show for the business. Being part of this community and celebrating the nation’s independence together has always been important to my family, and even more so now that they can cheer for the float and be proud sponsors of the day.
Today I showered and shaved and made myself get ready despite the fact that it didn’t promise to be a fun day for me. It was about representing my business and my family in our town. It was the kind of responsibility I normally loved, but I found myself dreading it. Michelle was finished with me. So this could go one of two ways. I’d spend the whole day looking for her in the crowd and she wouldn’t show up, or she did show up and didn’t want anything to do with me. I didn’t want the cold nod in greeting, the sight of her again, moving through the world laughing and talking, out of my reach.
I’d managed to enjoy plenty of annual Fourth of July festivities without her over the years, I reminded myself. This one would be sadder for me, our separation more final somehow, but I’d get through it. I’d gotten through it once when I was younger, not as strong. I could do this. I literally gave myself a pep talk while I was shaving because the dread was that bad. I was not going to worry my mom or be a wet blanket on anyone else’s fun by moping around all day.
After the parade, I was in a slightly better mood because tossing candy to excited kids pretty much puts a smile on anyone’s face. I looked around at the crowd and hoped that this time next year maybe I’d be an uncle. Maybe Greg and Katie would bring a baby to the parade. I knew my parents would be thrilled, and Greg and his wife deserved every happiness in the world. They’d be great parents. And if the thought gave me a little pang somewhere in my chest, well, that was just regret flaring up. I wasn’t going to raise a family of my own. I swallowed hard and told myself I’d work around that feeling, be a fun uncle and a good son and brother. I could imagine myself in thirty years still driving in this parade, my hairline retreating like my dad’s and more lines on my face. Proud of the business I’d built and the ways I could give back to my community, proud of my brother and his family, and probably lonely as hell.
Clearly it was time to eat something and cheer up. I had depressed myself pretty thoroughly then and wrecked my own mood. I joined my parents, told them all the people who had complimented our float and said they loved the parade and thanked us for being sponsors. The mayor had done his thank you speech at the beginning, naming the groups and businesses that made this year’s event possible I had taken the stage with my parents and thanked everyone for coming today. I’d said when I bought the garage off my dad years ago it was because I wanted to carry on the family business and make it a strong presence in Rockford Falls to help out in the community. If I had scanned the crowd looking for Michelle’s face, I stopped myself pretty quickly, not finding her there.
During the picnic, I joined my mom and dad and ate the fried chicken and potato salad and corn on the cob, all the good, messy traditional foods. Later there would be fresh fruit and homemade ice cream, along with popsicles for the kids. After we ate, I decided to look around at the vendors from the farmer’s market and the games set up for the kids, just check out the entire set up. I spotted Michelle and caught her eye. She was sitting with Damon and Trixie and Ashton. I stopped over to say hi, give Ashton a high five. My eyes met hers.
“Hey,” I said, “want to walk around with me for a minute?”
“It’s not a good time.”
“When will it be a good time?”
She stood up, drew me a little away from the others, “There won’t be a good time,” she said. “I don’t want to do this.”
“I just want to know what happened. Why, all of a sudden, did you decide things weren’t going to work out with us?”
Michelle looked back over her shoulder at Trixie who was shooing us away and giving us an encouraging look. Michelle glanced back at me, her face pale as paper. Her legs buckled. Stunned, I caught her in my arms as she passed out.
29
Michelle
Cool air was blowing on my overheated face. I struggled to open my eyes, to get a deep breath and figure out where I was. Slowly and with effort, my eyes took in my surroundings. The clean gray interior of Drew’s truck, the leather seat reclined so I could rest my head. I rolled my head to the left to look at him. He was driving, and he was holding my left hand in his.
“I’m gonna get you there real quick. Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ve got you,” he was murmuring as if to himself. His brow was furrowed, his mouth a stern line. I tried to speak but my voice was a weak rasp.
“What happened?” I managed to croak out.
“Chel! Thank God!” he said, lifting my hand and kissing it, relief surging through his voice. “It’s okay. You passed out. I’m taking you to the ER to get checked out. I know you weren’t feeling good a while back and maybe it’s the same thing or maybe you got overheated or something, but I’m gonna take care of you. We’re almost there.”
I hadn’t been feeling good that morning, but I figured it was a combination of the July heat and the intermittent nausea. I hadn’t been able to keep much food down, but I’d been following Nic’s advice and making sure I drank pl
enty of water. Still, passing out wasn’t normal for me, and it made me worry about the baby. I knew getting checked out by a doctor was a good idea.
When we got to the hospital, Drew pulled up under the overhang marked ER and jumped out and got a wheelchair. He helped me out of the truck and eased me into the chair. He fixed the footrests and made sure I was secure before he wheeled me carefully inside. At the registration desk, he gave them my full name and birth date, my address and phone number. I didn’t have my purse—it was in my car parked back downtown, so I didn’t have my insurance information. He told them to take me back and he’d make sure the insurance card got here. He knelt down to my level, kissed my forehead.
“It’s gonna be okay, Chel.”
“Are you leaving?” I asked, my voice shakier than I want to admit. I knew I should want him gone, should urge him to go get my insurance card so he would be far away when I talked to a doctor about my fears for the baby. But I wanted him with me. I wanted his strong hand holding mine, his reassuring, steady voice. Letting go of his hand seemed impossible.
“No, baby, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll text somebody to bring your card. Is your car unlocked?”
“Should be. I just stuck my purse in the console. Trixie can get it.”
“I’ll have her bring it over when she can. I’ll wait right out here.”
“Okay, thanks,” I said, biting my lip.
A nurse took me back to an exam room and asked me about a hundred questions about if I had chest pains or a history of stroke or if I took illegal drugs.
Falling in Love: A Secret Baby Romance (Rockford Falls Romance) Page 15
