by Devin Madson
If she is alive. Yes. I ought not to have neglected her, but… grief is… a powerful force, Miss Marius, more powerful than love, I think. More maddening and destructive, and it does not go away. Not ever. Not really. There is always a memory preparing to ambush you when you least expect it, and just when you think the pain has lessened it is back as harsh and bright as ever. And when you’re married to the man who destroyed the man you love, when you’re married to a man who would do anything to see your son fail, it is impossible to move on. To let go. To change. I have made many mistakes, but they did not come from a place of malice, I hope you can see that. I hope at least you can see, you who has access to all of this in my head, can see I never meant things to go like this, never meant to weaken the empire or see it fail. I never meant to harm my daughter in uplifting my son.
Her words were desperate, seeking atonement, and I felt a raw, hot sense of pride that this woman, of all women, gave a shit what I thought of her.
Captain Aeneas went on with his droning prayer amid the gathering twilight, and I nodded, our hair catching on the grass. “I know,” I murmured. “There is still time, you know.”
Time? That’s one thing we’re fast running out of. Don’t give me false hopes. Even if we found your body tomorrow, I don’t think mine has long left.
“Has it ever felt this bad?”
Never.
Captain Aeneas bent his head to the grass and held the position for a few moments, before rising slowly to his feet. He threw a hand out to grip a nearby branch, steadying himself.
“The horse needed a rest,” he said, indicating the animal munching on grass nearby. “I stole it,” he added, answering a question I hadn’t asked. “I have begged forgiveness, but there really wasn’t another way we were getting out of there.”
“How did we?”
“The element of surprise, I think. Having held on to Septum so long, I think they were shocked I’d let him go. Or maybe they only wanted him and don’t give a damn about us. Either way…” He shrugged. “There has been no sign of them yet. And we have no Septum to give our position away, so I’m mildly hopeful.”
“You shouldn’t have done it.”
He didn’t insult both our intelligence by asking what I meant. “It was the only way.”
“I am not important.”
“It isn’t about what is most important but about what is right.”
I laughed, but it hurt. “Admit you had no choice and I’ll at least admire your honesty.”
His severe expression wavered on a weak smile, but he said nothing.
“Where are we going?”
Captain Aeneas rubbed the back of his head, looking away into the distance to where a dirt track vanished into the trees. “I thought about it while I was trying to find a way out with Septum. Where could I go? To whom? I no longer know which members of the church I can trust. Which Chiltaens I can trust. Dom Villius is sure to have followers even in Kisia, while I have no allies, am nothing but a soldier. Then I thought, who has the strongest interest in Leo not fulfilling his purpose? And who is strong enough, powerful enough, to make a difference?”
“We’re going to Mei’lian.” It was the empress who spoke, a jagged edge to her voice I doubted the captain would catch.
“Yes, whoever is emperor, or empress, of Kisia is the only person we can beg aid from now. And with you, Your Majesty, well…”
“Depending on who is sitting on the throne at this moment, my presence could be quite detrimental.”
The captain grimaced. “Surely not after they hear what we have to say.”
“Perhaps. But this is… quite a danger to bring to anyone, even an emperor.”
Despite her worry, a bubble of excitement was building in my stomach. Mei’lian meant information. We could find out what had happened to Miko. Perhaps see her again. Help her. Keep our promise to Katashi. A child of our blood safely on the throne.
“It is an emperor’s lot to deal with troubles.” Captain Aeneas brushed the dirt from his knees. “Someone has to, if they want Kisia to survive.”
“Why don’t you support Leo? You’re faithful to the church; don’t you want what he is trying to achieve? Or is it… just because he’s…” I left those words hanging rather than attempt to describe all Leo was. I had never thought myself monstrous despite my strange affinity for the dead, but him… It wasn’t what he was that made him monstrous, but what he had chosen to do with it. All I had done with my ability was attempt to survive.
Captain Aeneas squatted beside me, his scarred face lined with fatigue. “You know how I said I believed he was trying to… remake Veld’s empire?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I have another reason for thinking it’s important we reach whoever is sitting on the throne right now. Do you know any scripture, Your Majesty?”
“Very little,” she replied through our lips.
“Then I will explain.”
“I see you don’t bother asking how much scripture I know, Captain,” I said.
He had the grace to look sheepish, but he shrugged. “If I have to explain to Her Majesty anyway, it didn’t seem important. Like I said before, I believe Leo is attempting to recreate the six deaths of Veld. He has already been struck down by the head of his family, and in a throne room while standing up for his people. I mentioned the cave, but while I don’t know if he has done that yet—”
“He has.”
The words came out of my mouth, but were not mine.
“Did you…?”
The captain left the question unfinished, his meaning clear. Empress Hana looked away. “I saw… memories. There was a lot of pain. It seems to have been one of the Levanti who did it. I think he was surprised, truthfully. I think he was expecting to have to orchestrate that one himself, and was thankful he had not already done so when it happened. It has him wondering whether… wondering whether he isn’t orchestrating at all, but whether he really is Veld reborn, destined to live that cycle over again.”
Captain Aeneas gave a little shiver despite the warmth of the day and the sheen of sweat on his brow. “That answers many questions, and only makes me more determined to reach Mei’lian as soon as possible. Because the next death, the one after the cave, is most commonly translated from the old language as being stabbed in the back by an empress.”
Silence fell over our little patch of wilderness. Stabbed in the back by an empress. Literal or figurative? It didn’t really matter in the end. “You think if we can get to Mei’lian and tell the empress not to do it…”
“He has a way of… manipulating people to do things they don’t want to, but if he isn’t allowed near her he can’t make it happen.”
“So if he is relying on hitting each of these deaths, we need to get to Mei’lian, or wherever the court is currently situated. We need to find my daughter and make sure she cannot be manipulated into anything that could lead to this outcome.”
Captain Aeneas smiled. “So, do you think you can go on a bit farther tonight?”
“Yes. Let’s get to Mei’lian as soon as we can.”
We rode until there was no light left to see by. A fishing village on a tributary of the Tzitzi River offered a small inn, and we took it gratefully. Hot food. A sleeping mat. And the glorious anonymity of being no one in a chattering crowd. With a scarf around the empress’s golden hair and shabby and tattered robes, I felt completely invisible.
I sank onto the floor before the table and leaned on it gratefully, chatter washing over me as completely as the scent of fish and wine and sour mushroom stew. It had been nearly twenty years since I’d left the Valley, since I’d last smelled that particular combination of scents, and the warmth of nostalgia filled me, tinged with grief for times passed.
Except you never lived in the Valley. We really need to get you back in your body soon.
It took me a confused moment to realise what she meant and to shake loose the belief I had lived her life. Panic sheared through me. I was losing myself
. Was this how Kaysa had felt? But she had always been so determinedly herself, and in a way, we had shared every experience of our lives.
“Are you feeling more like me, or is it just…?”
No, I think it’s just you. Perhaps souls meld to their host bodies.
“That makes sense.” I didn’t want to think about it, but it was hard not to wonder what it would be like when I no longer remembered who I was, who I had been. Would we even know there had been two souls here? Or would the empress forget me? Left with nothing but a tendency to swear more often.
I’m not sure I like the sound of that.
“Ha, well, I’m not sure I like the sound of being you forever. You’re not exactly fun.”
And you are?
“I’m lots of fun.”
I doubt all the people you’ve killed would agree.
“No, but…”
But there was no one else. I had not seen my family since they sent me away. Had not had a friend since the Blessed Guards who’d taken pity on me at the hospice and taught me how to hurt people. Hadn’t had anyone at all except for Mama Hera, and calling her either family or friend was laughable.
Empress Hana didn’t laugh. Friends are hard to make and harder to keep. It takes a degree of trust neither of us possesses.
I was getting too tired to sit straight and lay my head upon my arm. Captain Aeneas hadn’t yet returned with our food.
“I think perhaps you are my friend,” I said, closing our tired eyes. “I’ve tried so hard to hate you because hating is easier.”
Hating is so much easier, she agreed. And you are easy to hate, Miss Marius, but… yes. I think I would be lying if I did not admit I feel the same. I would not have trusted you by choice, but we got stuck together, and you aren’t half as bad as you think you are.
I had no idea what to say, had no experience in… being myself in such a situation, but the Cassandra Marius I had put on every day like a protective skin seemed to have been left behind somewhere along the way.
“Thank you?”
She laughed. You are terrible at this. Thankfully it looks like the good captain has procured wine because we both need it.
Captain Aeneas was winding his way across the floor between other tables, the small tray in his hands bearing two bowls of broth and a flagon of wine. No meal made in a palace kitchen could have looked more appetising.
“Sorry for the wait,” he said, setting the tray down. “I got to talking to the man who runs this place. Very full of news he was when I said we’d come from the Valley and wanted the local gossip.”
He settled himself opposite, kneeling easily on the sticky wooden floor. He poured out a bowl of wine and offered it to us, before pouring another for himself. We took the bowl, desperate to burn away the taste of those strange words of friendship.
Having taken a gulp of his own, the captain continued. “He says the Levanti hold the north still, and not too much information is coming from that way. But he says Empress Miko Ts’ai was at Achoi, just south of the capital, not so long since.”
“Achoi? But why there?” the empress asked, masking an excited shiver at the sound of her daughter’s name. She was alive. She was the empress. There was still time.
“To take back Mei’lian, I think. The story gets a little involved, and none of the locals could agree on the details of who did what, but it seems that boy who was calling himself Emperor Kin’s son is dead, and the city—”
He stopped abruptly, the smile that had dawned at the good news fading away.
“The city?” Hana prompted with something like her old iciness.
“It’s gone. Burned to the ground.”
“Gone? The whole thing? The whole city? What of the palace and the houses and the market squares and—”
“I only have gossip to go on, Majesty,” he said, lowering his voice. “But it was one of the few points these men were in agreement about. The whole city. Every last house. Gone.”
The empress reeled, and though I was sure Captain Aeneas went on speaking, we heard nothing, saw nothing but a parade of places and people and events, everything from the gardens in the palace to the silk market, to the shrine at Imperial Square. Gone. How could it all be gone? How could it all have burned? Even the palace? The Crimson Throne? The imperial graveyard. I had farewelled Katashi there.
“I’m sorry,” she said eventually, putting a hand to our thumping temple. “I… What were you saying, I… did not hear.”
She was still listening to the memory of chattering crowds and music coming from the teahouse across from a particularly fine maker of northern sweetbreads. A crier had stood on the nearby corner, coins clinking into his purse as people stopped to tip him for his work.
“I said I was sorry for the bad news,” the captain said. “It is extremely unfortunate, and I know—”
“Unfortunate? That would be accidentally tipping out a basket of eggs. This is a city, Captain, a—”
She stopped as tears pricked our eyes and choked our throat. There were no words strong enough to give voice to the depth of this new grief.
“Where is the empress? Where is my daughter?”
“They weren’t sure.” He grimaced. “Only that she was at Achoi with her army. I feel sure if we head that way, we may be able to find out.”
I nodded, conflicting emotions both oceans deep making my heart ache. The whole city gone. But Miko was safe. Not just safe but… thriving, it seemed, getting on with the business of ruling despite how little Kisia now looked like the Kisia she had known, the Kisia I ought to have left her.
More grief sat inside that raw wound, but I would not examine it, could not. Too many emotions already filled me, each weighing more than I could carry. Enough she was well, for now. Enough there was hope I would see her again.
We ate our soup in silence and drank our wine in deeper silence still, Captain Aeneas seeming to be flagging at last. He had so often appeared an unstoppable force, a man who did not know when to give up, did not even acknowledge the need to lie down and rest. I had watched it ravage his face, bit by bit, but now, perhaps feeling safe for the first time since I had found him sheltering in that little shed with Septum, his eyes were drooping.
“Thank you, Captain,” the empress said when the meal was eaten and the evening had worn on around us. “Thank you for… not leaving us behind.”
His brows rose, but he covered his surprise with a little bow over the table. “You’re welcome, Majesty. Septum was important, I’m sure of it, but together you and I can make sure Dom Villius doesn’t achieve his ends regardless. Will you sleep now? I find myself quite done in.”
“What a lovely understatement. I may have to request the support of your arm up the stairs. One last service before you retire to your well-earned rest.”
“Of course.”
We rose before the sun and were gone from the town by the time it was waking, fishermen heading to the river in the half-light as we rode out along the narrow road. East. East to Miko. East to the future.
I look forward to hearing how you explain my presence to your daughter, I said as Captain Aeneas sped the horse to a canter. He had pushed it hard the previous day, and likely we would not get as much out of it today, but an early burst of speed would brighten the mood.
No doubt you will think of the crassest thing possible to say, she replied. Just to punish me.
We were once more sitting before Captain Aeneas on the horse, his arms reaching around us to the reins, forming a protective cocoon. Against our back his warmth radiated, and the steady thump of his heart and the gust of his breath in our hair was comforting. All the tiny signs he was alive and present.
Crassest thing? Did you know, if you kill a man when he’s hard it stays that way for a while, I said.
That is certainly… enlightening.
It can leak too.
I think you have made your point now.
If you were brought up on a farm, surely you haven’t always been this stuc
k-up.
Well, fuck you very much indeed, Miss Marius. If only Mama Orde could hear you say so; she was my foster mother, you know, and a very proper woman. The tutors Lord Laroth hired for me all bemoaned my lack of grace and sensibility. I was a vulgar girl who spent too much time climbing trees and kissing the field boys.
A boy with a face made amorphous by time leaned to kiss me as though afraid of getting too close with his body. Almost immediately he was gone, replaced by Katashi Otako. Strong, handsome, gentle Katashi. The weight of his body. The lines he traced across our skin with his tongue. I had pleasured many a man in my time, but even a glimpse of what she’d had with him made me yearn in ways I hadn’t known I could. I remembered pressing myself up against him, remembered asking him to touch me, to kiss me, to take me. It took the sharp pierce of grief to remind me I’d never met him, that it hadn’t been me at all.
Perhaps you’ll agree stuck-up is hardly the right word.
Were you really fucking everyone at court?
And I thought you had already reached the heights of crassness with your previous utterances. What a question.
Call me curious, I said. And we’re running out of time, I thought to myself, or maybe to her, I couldn’t tell anymore. Could only tell the lassitude consuming us had nothing to do with the gentle sway of the horse, or the sun that had barely started to rise on a chilly morning.
No, she said. I was not. I considered it numerous times, as a way to build alliances, but… I had made that choice once and slowly broken that man’s heart. I didn’t want to risk doing so again.
Before I could ask who she meant, Captain Aeneas turned the horse off the road. A stand of drooping willows stood in the damp ground this side of the track, and he wound our mount through the hanging fronds toward a small clearing.
“Where are we going?”
“Just here. The sun’s almost up and I must pray.”
It had been years since I had given up anything but the occasional pretence at prayer. I had gone through the motions for any clients who had expected it of me, but of my own volition I hadn’t knelt to make faith with the rising and setting sun since leaving the hospice. Even so, I felt a strange tug to join the captain as he slid from the saddle.
