by T. S. Joyce
Beaston nodded once.
Sheeeeyit. Jathan took a seat then, rested his elbows on his knees, and leaned forward. “What visions?”
“In the first, Lynn gets her way. You’re standing over her. You’re angry. Crying. Body shaking. Claw marks all over you. Bleeding out, but you don’t care because the monster is lying on the ground staring at you. She has an ‘I’m sorry’ look right at the end. It’s raining. Muddy. She tried and failed. You tried and failed.”
Chills blasted against Jathan’s skin, and he shook his head in denial. “I’ll be damned if I let it happen.”
“Good. You need that fight. So does she.”
“Tell him the second vision, Beaston,” Damon murmured.
“Second vision. The crew of two wars. Red Havoc won the first with dragon’s fire and the son of Kong. It was close. The second war has two parts. War within Lynn, and war from the outside. Red Havoc is being hunted. New alpha, new ranks, and the panthers are scrambling to get their feet on the ground before they’re hit.”
“When?”
“Soon. Jathan, everyone is born with a destiny. Lynn’s was big before she got broken. I’ve always been proud of her. She started out small and unwanted, and she got big. On-her-insides big. She has the biggest destiny maybe I’ve seen in a long time. She was born to be the storm, but something changed, and she went to her knees.” Beaston licked his lips, and his green eyes churned like fire as he murmured, “Red Havoc’s survival depends on Lynn’s strength. Make her strong again. Make her the storm. Make her save them. Second vision. You’re standing over her. You’re proud. Body shaking. Claw marks all over you, bleeding. But you don’t care because Monster is lying on the ground with her teeth on the neck of another monster. Lynn looks fierce, how I saw her before she quit fighting. It’s raining. Blood is running in rivers, but she tried and succeeded.” Beaston inhaled, his shoulders lifting with the breath. “In the second vision…you tried and succeeded.” Beaston arched his dark eyebrow and canted his head like an animal. “Be her spine. Keep her upright. Take her home.”
Chapter Eight
A part of her wanted to go home.
Lynn clenched the pocket knife she’d found on her doorstep the day she moved into the treehouse. It was old and worn, and someone had engraved JB + LM. She had wondered at the owner, but didn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Swallowing the bile that crept up her throat, she opened the blade and etched a new mark into the wall. Five days left.
Before, she’d been ready, but now she wasn’t so certain.
Carefully, she folded the blade into the scuffed handle and shoved it in her back pocket. Her body hurt so bad she couldn’t see straight. Hell, she hadn’t wanted to fight earlier, but Monster took over her body and made her. Harrison hadn’t wanted to answer her challenge, and then when it was through, Monster had laid there for an hour, waiting for Jathan to come and clutch her to his chest and carry her to the tree house. She’d become accustomed to that daily touch. Lynn just hadn’t realized it until now. Today’s fight had been one hundred percent about Monster wanting to be held by Jathan.
But he hadn’t come, and then something awful had happened. Alone in the woods, she’d Changed back and forth uncontrollably for half an hour before she settled into her human skin and held. It hurt. It still hurt. She hated this. Human Lynn thought about what ifs. What if she could get control of Monster, what if she could try harder, what if she could be less tired, what if she could make it through the bad and eventually be okay? What if she could keep Jathan? What if she could keep Red Havoc? What if she could keep…she could keep…could keep…keep…Amberlynn?
The pain in her stomach at thinking her baby’s name doubled her over. She’d tried so hard to let Amberlynn go because her life was better without Monster. Her baby could grow up and be a normal, beautiful, perfect panther-girl, raised by people who loved her, in the shadow and safety of Damon’s Mountains. Mom and Dad could give her a better life than Lynn could. Lynn had known it was the right decision to give Amberlynn to her parents when she started going vacant. One time, she had woken up to Amberlynn crying, screaming, hungry, and Lynn hadn’t known where she’d disappeared to while her baby needed her. One time, and she knew she loved her daughter too much to put her at risk like that. She loved her more than anything, much more than herself. Amberlynn was the greatest thing she’d ever done. She was proud of her. But giving her to her parents did something irreparable to her. She’d done the right thing by her daughter, kept her safe, but it had broken her the rest of the way.
Pocket knife heavy in her jeans, she grabbed a thin sweater and made her way out the door and down the stairs of the treehouse. She was restless, needed to move so her twitching muscles would get more blood flow to them and heal faster. It wasn’t until she was standing in front of the Grayland Mobile Park sign that she realized she’d been walking through the woods with a purpose, and that purpose was a cute boy who had shown her more kindness and patience than anyone she’d ever met.
She made her way through the quiet trailer park, up the road to a long singlewide with giant weeds in the landscaping. She smiled at Henry—smiled! Jathan’s truck wasn’t parked in the yard, and the lights were off inside, so he still must’ve been working up at the Gray Backs’ landing. Admittedly, she found it really sexy that he was a logger. It was hard, sweaty, muscle-rippling work. The fact that Jathan was a hard worker was extremely attractive because once upon a nightmare, she’d been with a man who hadn’t been. Brody…fuck. She hunched over the pain in her middle, the pain of Monster asking for a Change. Lynn closed her eyes tightly and gritted out, “No.” And then she forced herself to think of Brody. Her first mate had been lazy. He hadn’t wanted to work. Even when she got pregnant, he’d refused to get a job, made her work extra hours on her feet all day, waiting tables so she could cover their bills. She’d ignored way too many red flags with him. Jathan, though, worked steadily and even admitted he hated the days he didn’t get to work. Sure, that was because his bear was hard to manage, but still, he would never be a man who asked her to pay his bills.
The pain lessened, and she tried the name out in her mind again. Brody. The ache returned, but she didn’t need to bend over to cope this time. Brody, Brody, Brody, fuck-face-rat-bastard-dingleberry-lovin’-fart-footed-slimy-clam-turd Brody. Well okay, that had actually made her feel better.
Henry looked a little wilted and thirsty, so Lynn tramped through the fancy landscaping behind him to reach the water hose. After turning it on, she watered Henry and then the other giant weeds, and last of all, the perfectly manicured shrubs. She used to like gardening. She would make a vegetable garden behind her cabin every year, but somewhere along the way, she’d stopped doing that. Why had she stopped? All those hours working in the dirt had always been good for her.
For lack of anything to do, Lynn knelt down and plucked a tiny weed from under the branch of a shrub. And then another, and before she knew it, she was beautifying the landscaping further, careful to avoid the big weeds Jathan apparently kept as pets.
“You look really pretty right now,” Jathan said from behind her.
Lynn startled hard because she hadn’t heard him approach. She spun and stood as fast as she could, feeling like she’d been caught doing something bad. Dirt sprinkled the grass as she dusted off her knees. “Sorry, I was just…”
Jathan stood strong and tall in the yard, his truck behind him, the sun setting behind the mountains. He was the pretty one, if a giant of a man covered in tattoos and reeking of dominance could be called pretty. He hadn’t shaved this morning either, and his beard was thicker, but it didn’t hide his slight smile. “Finish that thought. What are you doing? You aren’t going to get in trouble with me.”
“I went walking and ended up here,” she rushed out. Lynn shrugged, and heat flooded her cheeks. “I watered Henry.”
His smile stretched bigger and reached his dark eyes as he looked behind her at Henry. “You want to take care of him every day? He’s at the end of h
is life and gets dried out during the day when I’m working. You could make him live longer if you give him water before I get home.”
“Really? Ummm. Yeah, I can do that.” For the next five days.
“Date number two.”
“A yummy dinner and a movie?”
“You wish. Nope,” he murmured approaching. “Tonight I’m going to seduce you with inedible tacos and forty-seven dick jokes told by my mother.”
Lynn giggled. “Aren’t I the lucky one?”
“Yes, because unbeknownst to my Ma, I’m going to text you filthy things all night, rev you up, touch your leg under the table, and when we get back tonight, I’m gonna wreck you.”
His words had just made her go dumb, and now her mouth was hanging open. “Wreck…me?”
Jathan slid his hands to her waist and nodded, and now his smile had turned wicked. “I’m gonna wreck you so good you’ll quit putting those fucking marks on your wall just to stay here and warm my bed, waiting for me to take care of you.” Jathan arched his eyebrows and dragged her waist against his. “And I will take care of you, Lynn.”
“I like when you call me that,” she whispered drunkenly.
The smile slipped from his face. “You don’t like the pet names?”
“Everyone calls me pet names. They call me Crazy Lynn. I like that you are the only one who calls me just Lynn.”
While he dragged a fingertip down her cheek, he watched his touch with a troubled look in his eyes. “You aren’t crazy. You’re just tired.”
“And weak.”
“Not true. Brody left you a year ago, and where are you?”
“Here, at the end of my life like Henry. All dried up. You’re watering me to prolong it.”
“Stop. A year buckled under Monster, and you’re still alive. You’re exhausted, Lynn. You tried to do this on your own, and it didn’t work. You got tired, not weak. You needed someone under your arm, dragging you when your legs went numb.” He tipped his head to the side. “That’s me now.”
“You gonna drag me through life? Sounds pretty unfair to you.”
“Doesn’t feel unfair. Feels like the most important thing I’ve ever done. You know you’re worth the effort, right? You know you’re valuable? You are to me.”
She felt unsettled with his easy declarations. “I don’t understand you.”
“What don’t you understand? I say what I mean, say how I feel. You can hear the honest notes in my voice. I’m upfront, no games.”
“You’re different than I remember.”
“What do you remember?”
Lynn scrunched up her face and concentrated. “My thoughts get muddy. I don’t think about when I used to live here much anymore. I remember you were a lady’s man and a bad boy. You drove a motorcycle to school and gave the pretty girls rides after the last bell. You were funny with your brother, but with everyone else, you were quieter. Jax was always mouthy, but you watched more. I caught you watching me at lunch a lot, but you would always look away. I remember I built up the courage to talk to you twice. You left fast the first time, and you turned and talked to someone else the second. But one night, right before I left, I went to this party. And you were there.”
God, she hadn’t thought about this in so long it was like seeing the memory through murky pond water. “I came out of the bathroom upstairs, and you were there, leaning against the wall, on your phone, looking bored. I tripped on the edge of a rug in the hallway, and you caught me. You touched me, and I felt this…electricity. It hurt so I flinched away, and so did you. We stood there looking at each other. You looked upset, your eyes were turning green, and people were walking all around us. Humans.” She closed her eyes so she could see the memory better. “You smelled like fur, you were shaking, and I wanted to fix it. I wanted to make you feel better, so I rested my hands on your chest and told you, ‘I’m here.’ And you leaned down and kissed me. I’d already liked you for a while, so my body reacted. I pressed against you and kissed you back. It was perfect, touching you like I wanted to. Like the pretty girls got to touch you. I was happy. I felt like I wasn’t on the outside for once. I belonged for this incredible moment in time. Everything was perfect. And then you pushed me back gently and told me… Do you remember?”
When she opened her eyes, Jathan no longer faced her. He was staring off in the woods and looked like he wanted to retch. “Yeah. I told you the same thing I told everyone who got too close to me. I said, ‘I don’t want you.’ It’s a huge regret. I didn’t know about you being given up for adoption, or that you were trying to get your foster parents to adopt you. I didn’t know you always felt unwanted until later when I told Jax about it, and he beat the shit out of me for being a dick. It was one of the biggest fights we ever got into, and I deserved the bleeding he gave me. You never talked to me again. You disappeared. When my crew had that party the day you got adopted? I went behind Creed’s trailer with a bottle of Jameson and drank myself to oblivion. You carry big guilt, Lynn.” Jathan pulled her against him and rested his chin on top of her head. “So do I.”
“Wait…” She eased back and looked up at him, discomfort swirling her heart. “You don’t blame yourself for me leaving to find a crew…do you?”
“A little. I was a jerk to you, made you feel like I didn’t want you, but it was bullshit. I thought you were so pretty, but you scared me. I don’t believe in all that love crap.” His brows lowered. “Or I didn’t want to maybe. You were making me feel things that scared me. They were changing who I was, what I believed in, and what I didn’t believe in. And that kiss? It fucked with my head. It settled my bear instantly. I was on fire, ready for a Change, and you controlled my animal like you were a damn beast whisperer. I didn’t want anyone to have that control over me but me. You felt dangerous—”
“Me? I felt dangerous?” She shoved out of his arms and took three steps back to put some distance between them. “I’m a panther, no match for a bear shifter!”
“That’s not what I mean,” he said, approaching slow, his palms up like he was trying to calm a rabid animal.
The panther was snarling in her throat, but fuck it. She had a thought, and it was a terrifying thought, and the clearer it became, the more it hurt. “Is your guilt why you’re being my friend now?”
Jathan halted and reared his head back like he’d been slapped. “What?”
“Is that why you’re trying to save me? Because of what happened at some dumb party when we were kids? I left because I wanted to leave, Jathan. No one had anything to do with me ending up in Red Havoc, and I don’t regret it. I loved my crew! I love them still! I’ll always… Fuck.” She sobbed and dragged in a deep breath. “Sin number two, you ready?”
“It won’t scare me off,” Jathan growled out. “I know that’s what you’re doing. I can see the running in your eyes, and you’ll tell me something awful to try and make me run because you really think I’m here out of some sense of guilt, not because I care about you. The real you. The one you hide from the world, but not from me. Shock me, Lynn. Watch me stand here. I won’t give you my back, that’s a promise, so fucking do it. Cut yourself with your guilt in front of me. Make me watch. I’m ready. You’re ready. Do it. Do it now.”
“When Brody got me pregnant, I had never been happier. I was with Red Havoc, and I adored them. I belonged. Brody made me feel like he was mine and that we were bonded, and then I was going to have a cub. I was going to be the best mom, the best parent for this little cub. And then I found text messages in Brody’s phone to Winter, who had moved to a different crew. She never responded, but his texts to her were desperate to get her back. There were tons of them. I was so angry and felt so betrayed that I pushed him out. I kicked him out of our cabin. I went on tirades. I hated him. I was so mad because I’d lost Winter for him. I’d betrayed my friend for him, and we weren’t just mated, Jathan. We got married too, after we found out we were pregnant, and he tried to go back to her the week of our wedding. I was never enough. So okay, I was going
to raise this little cub by myself. I fell apart for a little while, but I was still working, still earning money, still trying… I was going to be the best single parent for my cub. But the bond I’d formed with Brody was hurting me. When he left the crew, there was this huge hole in my chest, like I’d been hit straight through with a cannonball and was walking around trying to pretend I was still alive and everything was fine. And then when he was out there in the world, he was going crazy right along with me. I could tell from the messages he left. I wouldn’t pick up the phone, because I was so determined to be strong and have some pride in myself. He was spiraling, and his messages made less and less sense, and eventually, he would just growl into the phone, like his panther was in control. He was my poison, because I was falling apart without him, and I was his poison because he went crazy and did awful things. He hurt people. Changed people against their will. Ben says that innocent blood is on his hands, but it never was. It’s on mine. Those people got hurt because I wasn’t enough. When I found out he was killed, the hole took over my entire body. The only thing that kept me going was the swell of my stomach. It was every tiny kick, every movement. I was clinging to Amberlynn for survival before she was even born.” The cannonball was back just talking about this. “I can’t do this.” The edge of her vision was going dark. Panicked, Lynn went to her knees in the dirt and gripped her hair, screamed in agony.
“Finish it.” Jathan was standing right in front of her. “Do it fast.”
She stared at the crisscrossed scuffs on his work boots as she choked out, “And then I had her, and she was perfect, but I was going to ruin her because I couldn’t stay present anymore. I didn’t trust my panther around her. She was tiny and needed me, and I was in the tree house because I couldn’t be around the crew anymore. I was scared for her. I was scared of Monster. So I quit.”
“That’s bullshit. You didn’t quit. You kept her safe.”
“I gave her to my parents. It was supposed to be temporary. A week. Maybe two so I could get ahold of myself and get better— be better for her. So I could be the mom I wanted to be. But I just got worse and worse, and weeks turned to months. I would call my mom, and Amberlynn would be gurgling in the background. She was never crying when I called. She was safe and happy, but I am selfish, Jathan. I’m so fucking selfish because I still considered taking her back even when I was falling apart. I wanted to be the one feeding her, holding her, singing her lullabies, giving her baths, and watching her firsts. I was missing everything. This is the person you are trying to save. Someone who would give up their child.”
