Being Billy

by Phil Earle

  ‘Well, if I’d known that I would have aimed harder, wouldn’t I?’

  Daisy stumbled forward and picked up the crumpled photograph from the bottom of the stairs, her hands shaking as she tried to smooth out the edges.

  ‘I would have understood,’ I yelled at her. ‘If you’d just told me, I would’ve understood.’

  But she wouldn’t even look me in the eye. All she could do was stare at the photo and rub it.

  ‘Don’t ignore me. I’m talking to you. Why didn’t you tell me? I thought we were mates. You told me I could trust you. I told you everything!’

  But I’d lost her. She had slipped away inside herself again, before turning and padding through to the kitchen, with Grant following after.

  ‘Billy?’ It was Jan again. ‘Billy. Come downstairs and talk to us.’ Her hand was outstretched and her face pleading, like she was the one in pain, not me.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ I said, my voice as hard as stone. ‘You made your choice. What else is there to say?’

  ‘We can see you’ve had a shock, though. We all have. So let’s talk about it, eh? Daisy’s been through a lot lately. It’s only just a year since her dad passed and she’s been struggling with it all. Me and Grant, well, we were pleased she’d found a friend, because she’s been so much happier lately.’

  I tried to scoff at her, pushing all my contempt out through my nose in a giant huff, but it sounded pathetic.

  ‘It’s true. But we couldn’t have known it was you, could we? Just as she couldn’t have known that you’d lived here. Come on, Bill, come down and let’s talk it out. Please?’

  Without thinking, I took the first step down the stairs, and as I did I saw the first tear fall down her cheek.

  As her arms closed around me, I let my head rest on her shoulder, the tears stinging again as old wounds reopened. My head hurt with a fury that I didn’t know existed. Everything was so fucked up. How had everything got so fucked up?

  As my breathing softened I could see Grant pacing the kitchen floor, a phone clamped to his ear. Jan was still whispering to me, telling me everything was going to be fine, but I’d tuned her out by the time his voice reached me.

  ‘That’s right, 56 Walton Street. What? Yes, that’s right … No, we’ve got him … We caught him at it … We’ll explain when you get here.’

  Jan fell on her back as I pushed her away. Her head clattered against the radiator and she looked stunned for a second, until she saw the phone in her husband’s hand.

  ‘Oh, Grant,’ she wailed. ‘What have you done?’

  I didn’t wait around to find out. I knew the rozzers would be here in minutes.

  I turned and ran for the door, grabbing the car keys from the table as I went.

  CHAPTER 30

  Believe it or not, I felt lucky as I gunned the car down the dual carriageway. Lucky that Grant had backed the car into the driveway, leaving me no worries about reversing out and away.

  Lucky as well that Jan was such a terrible driver. Grant had always taken the mick out of her, reckoned the car wanted to turn back home after a couple of miles when she was behind the wheel. As a result, he’d bought an automatic, which suited me no end. Without gears, it was just like driving a dodgem. All I had to do was point and press.

  I had no idea where I was going, but knew I had to get there quickly. The filth would have been at their house within minutes, especially if Grant had noticed the car was gone. I knew there was no chance I was going to outrun them, not in this car and not with the best part of five beers still sloshing around inside me.

  Keeping my eyes on the rear-view mirror as well as the road ahead, I looked for the next turn-off and was pleased to see that it led to the retail park by the river.

  Braking hard, I felt the car lurch beneath me but managed to keep it on two wheels as the tyres wailed. Thank God it had been a dry weekend, otherwise who knows where the car would have spun to?

  As I reached a mini-roundabout, I scoured the area for a decent spot to dump the motor.

  All the car parks were practically empty, which was no surprise given the late hour, but I needed a pitch that was hidden. If the rozzers couldn’t find the car, they’d have less chance of finding me.

  I spotted it after only a couple of minutes, a sign that read ‘Delivery Bay’. Perfect. There was no way anyone would be unloading now, and as the bay was tucked behind the warehouse, it was unlikely anyone would find the car until the next day. I killed my speed as I rounded the building, before cutting the lights as well.

  I stopped about thirty metres from the loading-bay doors but left the engine running as it dawned on me just what I had done. I might not have written off the motor, but I’d certainly written off any decent future. With the police on the way and Grant only too happy to grass me up, I could kiss goodbye to any more time at Oldfield, or any therapeutic unit for that matter. On this sort of form, I’d be looking at secure. I chewed it over in my head. What was the difference between home and secure? Apart from the fact that they’d actually turn a key at the end of the day, there’d be no difference. Both of them were prisons.

  Resting my head on the steering wheel, I tried to think what to do next, but it was hopeless. There wasn’t a single option I could choose that didn’t involve the police. Whether I went home, whether I ran, or even if I went back to Grant’s to fess up, I knew they’d catch me.

  My head buzzed with the events of the past hour, and the shame that Daisy had played me all along. What I couldn’t work out was why. What she possibly had to gain from lying to me. I thought about the things I’d told her. The secrets I’d shared. The scummers had spent thousands over the years trying to get me to open up to someone about Shaun and home, and I’d sat there and blabbed it all to someone just as screwed up as me.

  Whichever way I looked at it, it was the final straw. I’d been played by everyone. The social workers, Annie, even Ronnie. They’d all conspired to leave me like this, on my own and on the way to the nick.

  What was the point, then? What was the point of handing myself in? I’d seen it time and time again with other lifers. As soon as they’d had one brush with the law, it was only a matter of time before it was another, then another, and by the time they knew it, they were on the best part of a three-stretch.

  The thought of it terrified me. I knew there’d be no other option but to follow the same way, and I knew, despite all the headbutts and insults that I threw about, that there was no way I could stomach it.

  I felt the accelerator growl beneath my foot and my eyes drifted upwards to the cargo doors that stood metres away. I tried to work out how quickly I’d have to be driving, what impact I’d have to make to avoid ending up in prison. Pretty damned hard, I reckoned, but in my broken head it was worth a go.

  I reached my right arm across me and released the seat belt from the clasp, feeling the strap slide back to the door, leaving me exposed.

  I pressed the pedal again, heard the engine roar its approval and reached for the handbrake.

  At first I thought my leg was shaking and I tried to ignore it, dismissing it as a moment of weakness, but then I realized it was coming from my pocket.

  It was my phone vibrating. My first instinct was to ignore it, that it was just Daisy or Jan begging me to forgive them, or, worse still, the police telling me to hand myself in.

  But when it stopped, only to start again within seconds, I grabbed it and stared at the screen. It wasn’t a number I knew and it certainly wasn’t Daisy.

  I shouted in irritation at it – ‘What? What do you want?’ – as a tiny voice fought to be heard above the car’s engine.

  ‘Billy? Billy?’

  My foot fell off the pedal as I recognized the voice.

  ‘Louie? Is that you, mate?’

  ‘Billy. Come quick, will you?’

  ‘What is it, Lou? What’s wrong?’

  ‘It’s my dad,’ h
e cried. ‘It’s Shaun. He’s back.’

  CHAPTER 31

  The chances of running into the rozzers didn’t bother me as I sprinted down the bypass.

  I reckoned they’d be looking for me in a stolen car, not on foot. There had been the option of driving to Annie’s of course, but the risk was too great. If they caught me they were hardly going to agree to a detour, were they? My best chance was to leg it there, using as many shortcuts away from the main roads as possible.

  I had it all mapped out in my head and reckoned I could be there in fifteen minutes, although by the time I reached the allotments, I was starting to run out of steam – hardly surprising given the drinking that had gone on. Pushing my legs onwards, I refused to stop, Louie’s terrified voice ringing in my ears: Hurry, Billy, hurry.

  All kinds of craziness were going on in my head. What was Shaun doing there? Had Annie been planning it all along? And what had he already done to make Lou so scared? With every step I focused on his name, and the snarling face that had haunted me throughout my boxing sessions with the Colonel.

  I’d carried what he’d done to me every day for the last ten years. It had eaten away at me, fuelled my anger, left me unable to trust anyone or anything, but now he was back, I wasn’t going to let him repeat history with the twins.

  The tower blocks that lined the edge of the ghost estate veered into view and for once the area lived up to its name. The streets were empty, silent except for the slapping of my trainers against the pavement. The sound echoed off the tower-block walls, pushing back a beat that drove me on quicker still, and it wasn’t until I reached the corner of Forbes Ave that I allowed myself to stop.

  My hands fell to my knees as I bent double, gasping for air. I knew I had to take a second or two to steady myself, think about what I was going to do when I reached the door.

  As I walked up the path my heart was going mental. I couldn’t believe I was here, or help remembering my promise to Annie that I would never set foot in the house again. At least I had been right about one thing. Only bad stuff went on in there. Crouching, I edged my way along, past the front door to the lounge window. Wrapping my fingers round the ledge, I eased myself upright, daring to peek through the window. Instantly I saw him, or rather the back of him, as he stood just metres from me, waving his arms wildly, bottle of whisky in hand.

  I tried to scan the room, see where the twins were, check that they were all right, but I couldn’t see them, so, lowering myself, I scuttled down the path at the side of the house, towards the back door.

  As I approached the door, my heart leapt as I saw it ajar. Knowing he wouldn’t be able to see me from the kitchen, I teased the door open, to be confronted by his voice, the same rasping noise as all those years ago. It was thick with booze and smoke, a croak rather than a voice. But in a way that seemed right – he was an animal, not a human being.

  Peeking through the gap, I could see him towering over Annie and Lizzie, who were huddled together on the carpet, pushed into the corner by the TV. I don’t know who looked more scared, mother or daughter. Annie had a bruise over her left eye, and her arms wrapped tightly around Lizzie, who flinched with every word that came out of Shaun’s mouth.

  ‘What I don’t understand, Annie,’ he slurred, waving his arms excitedly, ‘is how you thought you could keep it from me. I mean, this is big news. Our babies back home again, where they belong.’

  Believe me, there was no joy in his voice. Every word was loaded with hate, each word a bullet aimed straight at Annie.

  ‘But that’s you all over, isn’t it, eh? You always were a spiteful cow. Never wanted me to be involved, did you?’

  With that he kicked her. A full-blooded boot that crumpled Annie into a ball and sent Lizzie scrabbling behind her.

  ‘Tell you what,’ he added. ‘How’s this for a plan? I don’t have to stay here, you know? I’ve got my own place now on the other side of town. It isn’t fancy or nothing, but it’s got two bedrooms. Enough space for me and my boy. What d’you reckon, son?’ He swung his arm around Louie, who must have been stood in front of him, out of my sight. ‘A boy needs his dad, not these bloody airy-fairy social workers. They don’t know shit!’

  I saw Louie flinch as Shaun’s arm clung to his shoulder, but alongside the fear in his face I could see something else that looked liked repulsion, like anger.

  ‘I’m not going anywhere with you,’ he spat, before pulling his arm away. ‘You aren’t my dad and never will be neither.’

  Louie didn’t see the blow coming. It arced round from wide and caught him below the eye, sending him crashing into a coffee table, which spilt its lamp to the floor.

  Before I knew it I was through the door and at him, but not before Annie cried out my name in shock.

  Shaun spun around before I could land a blow on him, his face twisting from anger to surprise as his brain worked out who he was looking at.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ he said, and laughed, his grin twisted and demonic. ‘Billy? Is that you? Well, look at this, will you? The whole family’s back together.’

  When my hands made contact with his chest, I could feel how drunk he was, as he lost his balance and wobbled backwards on to the settee.

  ‘Steady on, Bill!’ he complained. ‘That’s no way to treat your old man, is it?’

  ‘Louie had it right,’ I spat, my finger pointed at his chest. ‘You’re no father, not to him and certainly not to me.’

  ‘I took you and your mother in, though, didn’t I? Gave you a roof over your head, which is more than any other bugger ever did.’

  ‘Didn’t give you the right to crack me, though, did it, Shaun? Didn’t give you the right to beat me whenever you fancied it?’

  ‘It wasn’t every night,’ he wailed as he pulled himself to his feet. ‘There were times that you needed pulling into line, that’s all.’

  ‘Pulling into line? You beat me so hard Annie couldn’t take me outside the house for weeks at a time. She had to hide me away like she was ashamed of me.’

  I chanced a glance over at Annie as the tears poured down her face.

  ‘That’s because she was ashamed of you. You were always a sour little shit. Never smiling, always with a long face on you.’

  ‘Is there any wonder,’ I yelled, ‘with you constantly off your face?’

  He burped as he took a long swig of his whisky, his breath as evil as he was.

  ‘I was only doing what my dad taught me. All right, I haven’t exactly set the world on fire, but at least I know what discipline is.’

  I’d heard enough of his crap. The booze had screwed his body and his mind, so I turned and went to pick up Louie, who was cowering by the settee.

  As soon as I lifted him to his feet, I felt Shaun’s hands on my shoulders.

  ‘Oi!’ he shouted. ‘Did I say you could touch him? Take your hands off. If you want anything to do with him, you ask me, you hear?’

  He grabbed at Louie and swung him towards Annie, before turning his attention to me.

  He must have seen the anger flare in my eyes, as a sneer licked up his face.

  ‘Oh, I see. Now you’ve grown up, you think you can take your old man, do you? Fancy your chances, do you? Well, come on, then, Billy. What are you waiting for?’

  I don’t know if he saw the punch coming or not, but his reactions certainly weren’t quick enough to stop it. My right hand smashed against his cheek, but I felt no pain as he sprawled across the settee, a small cut opening beneath his left eye.

  Without hesitating, I was on top of him.

  This was it.

  This was the moment I’d visualized all those times with Ronnie.

  The moment I could get him back.

  Hurt him the way he’d hurt me.

  But as I sized up another punch, he let one of his own go, which caught me on the chin and knocked me backwards.

  The years of drink may have diluted his physic
al size, but it had done nothing but breed anger in him, and he roared as he reared above me, sending another punch flush into my nose.

  The punch lacked power, but my eyes watered as I raised my hands to my face, trying to stop any more shots from reaching me. I had to get him off me, so I pulled my legs up to my chest and catapulted them against his body, sending him sprawling to the floor. Ignoring the blood dripping from my nose, I jumped on top of him and pinned his arms under my knees, leaving him at my mercy.

  ‘Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this?’ I yelled.

  My eyes were on fire and as they flicked around the room they saw the lamp that Louie had knocked to the ground. Carefully, I leaned to my left and grabbed the flex of the lamp, before pulling the base into my hand like a club.

  ‘Do you know how often I’ve dreamed of being able to do this to you?’

  ‘Do you honestly think I give a shit, Billy? You really think I care what you think of me? I never have cared and I never will. So do what you want, mate. Another beating isn’t going to make one shred of difference.’

  His eyes rolled in his head and I felt the alcohol force his body into submission. He was broken, a shrivelled version of the violent, drunken man he’d been, and as I lifted the lamp above my head he simply closed his eyes in defeat.

  The adrenalin pumped in my ears as I gripped the lamp harder and harder. I looked for the perfect spot to make contact with, knowing I was only centimetres away from what I’d been dreaming about.

  I don’t know why I hesitated then. Maybe I could feel the twins looking, or maybe it was just sheer exhaustion catching up with me. But I did pause, and I let my head turn to where they were bundled. And as soon as I saw them, saw their eyes, I knew I wasn’t going to hit him again.

  There was such fear on their faces, and it was a fear that I knew. It was the fear I had felt every time Shaun had come anywhere near me. And now it was their fear too, as they watched me, lamp in hand, about to bring it down on his head.